seek and you shall find.

Last night, throughout the whole way from Melaka back home, I was reciting the syahadah.

You see, I may not seem like the most pious person physically, but I think about death all the time. Not that it makes much difference to my level of piety I know, but like any other believer, I'm scared that my sins will outweigh my deeds at Judgement Day. I am scared of having to live my "afterlife" (which is forever) burning in hell.

Worst thing is that I have always imagined that I would die in a car accident. 

So, last night was probably one of the scariest nights of my life because I was the one driving. With sleeping baby beside me and my sick husband lying at the back, it really was nerve-wrecking.

When we finally reached home, I was ever so thankful that we made it in one piece, that we were safe and spared any hardship.

Be that as it may, although the whole experience exhausted me, I couldn't sleep. It was past 12.00 a.m.

I did a round of laundry, boiled some water, packed Luqman's school bag, ironed my clothes, laid my weary head on the sofa bed, shut my eyes together real tight and still, I just couldn't sleep. 

Husband suddenly woke up, searched for me and told me he needed something to eat. I fixed him a hot drink and some biscuits and made sure he ate them. Then, my baby called for me and held out his hand for me to scratch, which of course I did, until the itch subsided.

Finally, my baby wedged himself beneath my armpits and fell asleep and my husband then joined us on the bed. Sandwiched between my boys, that was when I finally fell into a slumber, in peace. 

Woke up this morning slightly later than usual, but didn't feel tired. Fixed my husband a simple breakfast, sent Luqman to school, and here I am at work. 

Sometimes I wonder where I get the energy from but of course, it's silly to wonder because I know where it came from. Of course, it came from the prayers answered, from the blessings granted and from the one who lends His help to those who ask for it. 

 I asked that I be granted health, strength, calmness, sincerity and the will to just keep going. All you need to do is ask-

"Is He [not best] who responds to the desperate one when he calls upon Him..." 

Quran, 27:62

And because I knew I couldn't do it alone, I asked. Seek and you shall find.

***

I admit that there are times when wonder why I am tested in certain ways in which I don't understand especially at times when I have already preplanned the way I'd like to feel. Like for example, 3 years ago, I had planned what I'd like my December to be like, how happy I was going to be, how wonderful I was going to look and how much I'd love for my loved ones to be just as happy as me.

But, like I previously said, we can only plan. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel so happy to the point of being delirious because I tend to forget to say my thanks and to count my blessings in such state of euphoria. Perhaps it has been preordained by the "higher forces" for me to "suffer" before I am "relieved". 

Because it is in times of helplessness such as this that I always seek for spiritual guidance, more than usual, in whatever form possible. I guess therein lies the answer; that I am tested so that I will not run astray from the right path, so that I will always remember to be grateful.

This time, instead of feeling sorry for my state of being, for the calamities that have befallen me, for the plans I have planned in my head that will probably go un-executed, I feel thankful for the realisation that I am tested because He loves me and that I have started to come to terms with the purpose of living -

"When someone begins to understand his purpose in life, he will know that he is being tested either to gain reward from Allah or to gain atonement for his sins."
- La Tahzan

So here's to hoping that my sins will be expiated and my good deeds will be rewarded and that my New Year will begin on the right foot towards Jannah.

Amin.