January 08, 2014

reality check.

Day 8/365. 

This year began with a great big bang - of course because we turned 3! 

But other than that reason, that great big bang was because of the our surrounding circumstances. 

You see, in life, planning is an important aspect. How many times have we heard people saying that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" phrase?

But equally important (which people tend to forget) is the execution of those plans. You can plan things in your head and dream your dreams, but if you don't execute them well, then what good are those plans?

My husband's been away for a week now and frankly, since I survived those 6 months alone, I think I would most probably survive anything. 

Thing is, this whole week on my own, I've been given some sort of a reality check. While I've gotten used to being left alone to man my fort, to manage my household, to take care of my kid, to prepare meals for my leg-hugging baby, to steal time to do things that need to be done and to do everything else alone - this time round is different

Different because this is how it's going to be from now on. This is the permanence we signed up for when we made the decision to jump ship (I say we because we decided together). This is the whole difference we planned for in our heads.

And nothing prepares you for it. No matter how many times you've run through the motions and played simulations of scenarios in your head, nothing prepares you for the silence, the void, the cold, empty other side of the bed, that feeling that you are in this alone. 

I thought I was mentally prepared and frankly, I was. I really was. I knew that I wouldn't let myself break down like how I did previously.

But still, like I said, nothing quite prepared me for the utter emptiness I felt, especially on the first day my husband left. It was drab, total drab! I even decided not to sleep in the master bedroom because it just felt so different. Turns out that I love having him home, even when we don't talk about much anymore about other than our family and our future or don't do much of the activities we used to do as a couple. 

But, we signed up for this, hoping for a better future for us. And I'm pretty sure that after this initial shock, this "trial period", this "orientation week", we'll be just fine.

And because I entered this year with a resolute mind, which is to be responsible for my own happiness, happy is what I shall be.


Oh yes, this self-doubting phase will surely pass.

No comments: