please keep in touch.

Some time around March-April this year, I went through a really dark stretch in my life. And since most of my problems centred around the subject matter of work (what else!), talking it out with people in the organisation didn't seem to help.

After a while, talking about it at all caused me heartache and that's when I decided to Press 9.

And so, I reached out to Ayu, hoping she'd share a bit of her wisdom with me.

Which she gladfully did.

After that, the ball started rolling.

It began with an email attaching a picture from 2009 during Ryan's birthday celebration (in which we all looked so young and fresh and alive), and a few Whatsapp messages later, we convened at Da's house for "lunch".

Well, "lunch" being inverted obviously because it was really late when we finally got to eat.

Ehem to the latecomers. He he he.

***

So, what's changed?

Nothing. Like, really. N O T H I N G.

Well, unless you start to count the wrinkles and the small patch of maturity that's grown on us... (and of course the little boy in the picture he he he)

Otherwise, we're still the goofy bunch of people who like to poke fun at each other, who still haven't learnt to cook just enough for 8, but decidedly thought that we're all hungry enough to eat a feast for 20... (but still, nothing can beat the amount of leftovers during our PD getaway years ago!).

Clearly, all my fears all this while has been baseless, so to speak...

Basically, I'm happy to report that we picked up from where we left off and slid right back into the friendship like the years apart didn't ever happen.

As you would have guessed, I was over the moon because of the gathering and I'm glad that I can still call them my friends. Probably the only few real ones that I still have.

I shall forever treasure these people - the first few friends I made upon entering Service.

Optimistic as I may be, and of course hopeful that we'd meet more often, my only hope right now is for us to be able to meet at least once a year after this.

Keep in touch, please do keep in touch.

Much ♥

"efficient"

It's been relatively quiet on my blog because life has mostly been about work lately. And to be honest, it's okay. My principle is that you go to work to work, so when there's work, work! It really is that simple.

But if there's anything I don't like about work are those free riders. In fact, that's one of the major things that pisses the living daylights out of me. A lot.

I'd like to think that I'm a team player although I actually enjoy dealing with my own files on my own. But realistically speaking, there are times when you just have to work with others, which I do. And most of the time, I tolerate idiosyncrocies because let's face it; I ain't perfect. 

What I cant' tolerate though, is when those idiosyncracies are at the expense of others. Like when one person is so "efficient", almost bordering on incompetent, that the other people on the team have no other choice but to take on his/her burden. Best of all is that the "efficient" person is maintained on the team and takes on just as much credit at the rest of the more "burdened" ones.

Now that's just not cool. Not cool at all.

People may say that that's one of the hazards of working in a team and I agree. But what I don't agree with is the part where we tolerate so much that we are deemed as condoning such bad, bad, bad behaviour resulting with unnecessary heartache and dissatisfaction.

At the end of the day, the more "burderned" ones will wonder whether it's really worth being too competent when it is, in actual fact, alot easier to just be the "efficient" one.

It's such a vicious, demotivating cycle. YES. IT. IS. Even for the best team players.

And because of this vicious cycle, I've concluded that one of the two compulsory meetings I'll have to attend every week, throughout the year will probably be some of the most stressful moments of my life.

I simply hate "efficient" people.

I just like them when they're eff. And no, that's not a bad word, thank you very much.

Please God spare me the heartache.

same amount (of hours), different impact.

I was just about to write tomorrow (today?) about how some people can get the same amount of sleep in a day, yet feel different impacts, depending on what time they actually sleep.

Yesterday, I was so bummed out that I actually fell into a really deep sleep while nursing Luqman (which is really early) and that resulted with me waking up really early too. Even though I had to remain awake for the whole day at work, I didn’t feel tired. Well, at least not as tired as if I slept later and woke up later also.

Do you get what I’m trying to say? Say if I sleep at 10.30 and wake up at 5 a.m., I’d feel fine but if I slept at 12.00 but woke up at 6.30 a.m., I’d feel like crap the whole day. Get it, get it? Don’t know why I’m being over descriptive, but yeah, I’ll be really happy if you understood this well.

Well, anyways. When my husband was away, the whole “sleep early-wake up early” routine was actually a routine born out of necessity. Since he came back, I’ve been sleeping a whole lot later, obviously, (ahem) and also waking up a lot later but this recent incident where I felt really happy throughout the day though I had been up since 5 a.m. incident really just proves how much of a morning person I am.

Or am I?

I think I’ve always been a morning person, even during my high school days. When I was a third former, which is 13 years ago (ohmygod!), I remember being the only one at the study room in the wee hours of the morning, revising, studying, doing homework, etc.. Not that the rest of the girls were any less hardworking, of course, but what I’m trying to say is that while they all burned the midnight oil, staying up late really didn’t work for me so I woke up earlier instead.

So, yes, I guess I always have been a morning person.

Which is why the very fact that I am still up at this hour is a mystery, even to me though I’ve tried all kinds of things to no avail. For one, I could be hungry but I’ve already made myself a huge “mug” (more like tall glass, actually) of hot cocoa hoping that it’ll appease my hunger pangs. But the hot cocoa seems to make me more awake than asleep at the moment I'm afraid. I’m definitely not stressed out. I don’t have any more chores to do (well, unless I decide to mop the floor this very night and spring clean our kitchen). At the end of it all, I really don’t know what all this "I can’t sleep" is all about.

I just really hope I won’t wake up grumpy.

Grrr. I seriously, seriously really want to sleep. Sigh.

Lelaki luar biasa?

To me there is a mile of difference between lelaki luar biasa and a suami luar biasa.

My husband wasn’t a lelaki luar biasa. I dare say that because he wasn’t the romantic type. Generous, maybe. Compassionate, most definitely. Likeable to everyone. But never quite romantic.

But as far as being a husband is concerned, I do honestly think that he is a suami luar biasa. And I’m not saying this just because he’s an avid reader of my blog (probably my only real fan!) but because it’s the truth and nothing but the truth (over sangat I know!).

My husband is the type who helps around. Alot. Which is the reason why I don’t feel the pressing need to hire a maid, save for a temp who could help around with major cleaning once in a while. But for the most part of our married life so far, he plays his role as a husband really well, and doesn’t expect me to play the role of the doting traditional wife with me also working and everything.

As the cherry on top, he’s very supportive of my breastfeeding efforts and he’s really great with children and even better with our own kid.

Not only that, he is still the kind, compassionate man I married and still as generous as ever. If he had to spend every last penny on his back to make me the happiest woman on earth, he would.

So, last weekend, he woke us all up really early on Saturday morning, insisting that we had to get out of the house by 8.30. I mean, come on please. So early on Saturday morning? And he wouldn't tell where we were going! Much as I loved spontaneous outings, I know I wouldn’t enjoy it enough if I wasn’t at least a tad bit prepared (i.e. if spontaneous meant we were going to the beach or something).

I was about to make a thousand excuses but decided not to when I saw how serious he was.

After packing Luqman’s food and EBM (because my husband INSISTED that I take a break from direct feeding and should just enjoy the day without having to worry about being a “tap” and that it was inappropriate for me to breastfeed where were going) and asking a thousand times whether I was dressed appropriately enough for wherever it was we were heading to (sekali pergi kenduri takkan nak pakai jeans, right?), he drove us out of the house.

He headed for LDP. And then, he turned into a junction which I know would lead to Jaja’s house. But it isn’t my birthday, nor is it my baby shower, nor am I in the know of any celebration of any kind, so I was kind of confused.

Then, after some wrong turnings, we finally came to Jalan Tiga – at Rosena SPA!

Yes, my husband drove us all out so early in the morning so that I could spend the day at the spa.

Alone. No interruptions. Just me, red roses to kick off the mood, some soothing music, a long and much needed pampering session and time to not think about anything. AT ALL.

As you would have guessed, I had the TIME OF MY LIFE!

Those 4-5 hours just lying down on the bed, getting my treatments done was just absolute bliss!

After the facial and also the whole lulur, urut, sauna and mandi bunga (yes, told you my husband is generous!), and of course the naps in between I unabashedly took while I was being pampered, I came out rejuvenated and feeling better about myself than I’ve ever felt in a long, long time.

So, yes.

My husband may not have been the knight in shining armour I was hoping for while we were dating. But he sure is my suami luar biasa. And mine and mine alone (hopefully forever).

I couldn’t ask for a better partner, a better friend, a better protector or a better husband.

And I count my blessings for that.

Bak kata Mama, “Lucky Daughter, Five Star Menantu”.

Alhamdulillah.

those 10 days in May.

There were some 10 days in May where I rediscovered the joys of motherhood under the most tragic circumstances. Why tragic? Because my boy was diagnosed with the much dreaded Hand Foot Mouth Disease (HFMD).

Plus, it was a bit crazy that we were quarantined and weren't allowed to leave the house under strict orders of the Doctor. It was tiring because my boy was clingy because he wasn't feeling well, but be that as it may, being able to stay home and watch him grow and heal right before my eyes was just priceless. Priceless, priceless, priceless.

I'll admit that I thought about quitting my job more than once in the span of those 10 days. And that coming from me, is huge.

Now, it's been three weeks since I went back to work and every now and then, I still think about leaving my job to care for my family.

But, the way I see it, what I'm doing now is also tantamount to caring for my family; just in a different way. If I don't work, I won't be able to earn. And if I don't earn, I can no longer walk into Mothercare or Toys R Us and come out bearing clothes and toys for my son. And that will kill me. Even if my husband had the money, it really wouldn't give me the same satisfaction, I am sure. So, it really is not that easy after all.

Still... there are days when I wished I could relive those 10 days, record every single moment of it. And keep it in a bottle. So that I could always revisit whenever I feel like I'm missing out too much on my motherhood.

mixed feelings.

I have so many other things that I actually want to write about at the moment but I can't seem to. And to be honest, I don't think I ever will be able to until and unless I get this "bit" off of my chest.

Recently (like right after I wrote this post last 2 weeks), my life all of a sudden became... for want of better word... "happening". I was presented with one news after another with not much of a breather (or good news) if I might add and that has somewhat rendered me speechless and overwhelmed me on so many levels.

Out of all the "happenings", one of them was actually, actual good news. The news came about at just the nick of time and I should have gone over the moon over such news, but to be honest, that one piece of good news was the one thing that left me with mixed feelings. 

For the whole week after I came to know of such news, I prayed for some kind of enlightenment or revelation of some sort. Normally at times like these, I would talk things out with my husband but seeing how hard he's worked to achieve such good news, I didn't want to burden him with my silly insecurities and uncertainties. 

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, he asked me a question I've been silently asking myself. He sort of took the words right out of my mouth and echoed my thoughts precisely. To be honest, I've never really seen that side of him so I was (pleasantly?) surprised. I really never knew.

So, after talking things out and feeling a tad more confused than when we initially began trashing things out, he asked me out of the blue,

"You wanna take a drive?"

For someone who's been quarantined for 10 days (more on that later), I unhesitatingly obliged, very much happy with his temporary solution.

***

From where I'm sitting, I have a clear unobliterated view of the Putrajaya skyline at night. In the mornings, I see the most beautiful sunrises.

Where we may be moving, my view will be someone else's house. Every single day and night. 

From where I'm now living, I can hear the Azan clearly and get free tazkirah while I'm cooking dinner because the surau is directly below our block.

Where we may be moving... it's not as close. 

Yes, my dilemma is about us moving to another place (unfortunately still not our own), which commensurates with our actual entitlement.

Ironically, although this change is (or could be) for the better and something we've both looked forward to, we're both of 2 minds about whether or not we should move. I've started packing our stuff bit by bit by bit but yeah, that's more because I don't want to do things at the very last minute and not because I am excited.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way and I suspect it's because I've grown really attached to this place and for many good reasons too.

I spent the last 2 years plus living in this house and making it home.

I started a family here.

I spent a week of my confinement and the final month of my maternity leave here.

I spent 6 months alone with my son in this house; crying, laughing, fighting and playing with each other.

Oh man, moving is expensive alright!

I don't see the need to have more furniture but the new place requires loads of new furniture to fill in spaces. 

There's so many other silly reasons that I can think of and of course I'm aware that new memories can be made at the new home too, but as for now, my silly thinking says that I don't think I'll love it there as much as I do HERE.

Gah.

After taking that drive with my husband last night, we both concluded that we're both probably a tad too fussy about things. So, last night we resolved to just move first and see how things go.

Today though, we both started asking each other more questions and the "best" thing is... I've put my packing on hiatus. He he he.

We've got 3 weeks to decide and I hope that by then, we'll both come to a decision.

Whatever that decision may be.

home.

crispy skin.

So far, this year has been a very mundane year for me.

Yes, if I were to pick an adjective to describe 2013 thus far, it would be mundane.

I realise that like many of us in the same age group, I have become a slave to my job more than I thought I would be. No doubt I was one of the workaholics during the Honours program, but I (honestly) thought that things would change when I entered the workforce. Apparently not.

Day in, day out, different day, different drama and still, there's nothing in the difference that makes me feel like my days are anything close to eventful. Don't know if you get what I'm trying to say, but it is what it is.

So today, after a very productive day at work, I decided that I deserved a treat. Well, if it were up to me I'd treat myself everyday, but hey, we've got bills to pay! Anyway... after much deliberation, we headed to Sushi King and had a feast. Sort of. The spread on the kaiten seemed so much better during that hour (6.30 p.m. - 8.00 p.m.) and it was kind of therapeutic to see all kinds of sushi pass by me.

We took turns to eat and after my turn, I let my boy chase a cat all around the Alamanda compound. I found his obsession with his new found furry friend really just amusing. Then, as I was settling the bill, my husband told me to meet him at the expensive coffee shop (Starbucks je pun eheh). Score! That could only mean that I was also going to get my much needed coffee fix on top of my most favourite food, sushi. 2 of my favourites in one evening is a huge bonus for me.

And for some reason, though coffee's never really had an effect on my bio clock (especially where bedtime is concerned), tonight proves to be an exception and a huge one at that. I've already done all my chores, ironed all our clothes, swept and mopped the floor and now here I am staring at your perfection... eh tibe-tibe lagu Daylight.

I do realise that this is to my detriment, and it's not so much because I'll wake up with panda eyes (because that is what I wake up with everyday anyway), but because I know I'm going to be dead tired at work come tomorrow (or today actually since it's already past midnight) and because I know that I'd have to wake up really early to beat my son who's probably going to wake up earlier than normal since he went to bed so early tonight.

Sigh. All because of those 'spensive coffee beans. Eh, tapi Encik Suami, janganlah segan nak belanja lagi. Eheh

Anyway, the point of this post was just to say that I may have misjudged 2013 too fast too soon. There's actually loads to be thankful for, like days like today for instance. Oh man, I am a little too easy to please I know for what are those colourful sushi plates, the yummy crispy salmon skin, my 2 boys, and some 'spensive coffee beans?

Well, for someone who's seen alot of mundane, they really are everything.

So, Alhamdulillah for that.

Some love...

... emanate from a place way deeper then where love comes from.



And of course, this love is one of it.

He's growing a personality and a strong one at that. He's got a little bit of an attitude worthy of a hashtag #likeaboss. I've come to a point in my life where I can no longer imagine what it'd be like without him. Of course I've been a mother for a year plus now and my earlier statement makes it look like it's only now that I appreciate his presence, but hey, come on, I'm only human. While it was life changing to have a child, it was also overbearing on so many levels, I can't even begin to explain.

So, don't judge. I probably love my child more than the rest of you all put together.

Well anyway.

Now that he's older, he's alot more capable of expressing his wants and needs.

Sometimes, he's glued to me like bubble gum and I wished it wasn't so.

But on some mornings (like this morning for instance), when he utterly refused me because he obviously thought Daddy was the cooler parent, I remind myself not to take heart for he is only a child. This wouldn't be the first time he would reject me or break my heart (so innocently and unintentionally too if I might add).

I sometimes think I need to brace myself before the time actually comes when he becomes old enough to be embarrased by my affection. And it's because I sometimes think I can never ever think of him as a big boy. But then again, no matter how fast he's now walking unsupported, no matter how big of an attitude he's got and no matter how much he loves grown-up food, he still finds comfort in the nook of my arm come night time when it's time to sleep. That's when I realise that he will always be my baby (in my eyes).

At the end of the day, I just hope that he takes after his Dad and wears his heart right smack on his sleeve, so that he wouldnt' be like the rest of the boys I know who are afraid to show their love.

Well anyway.

There's really nothing more to say.

That was just a random thought passing through my head on a crazy lazy Tuesday.

time flies.

Type. Erase. Retype. ... is really all I've been doing for the past few days.

Suddenly, it's 6 days into May, which means in about 9 days, it'll be half a month of May, which means there's only about half a month more to mid year, which means, in about 6 1/2 months, we'll be in 2014.

These days, time flies.

Whether you're having fun or not.

Though I haven't been keeping score, I do hope that I've (actually) been having more fun than the latter.

Let's just hope that the rest of us will be doing the same (having fun) even in the light of the recent happenings in Malaysia.

my biggest issue.

My biggest issue in life is trust.

It's either I trust you. Or I don't.

And normally, I trust you. Until you give me a reason not to.

And from then on, you can expect this. Yes, this thing I'm doing.

This whole silent treatment. This whole avoidance.

You broke me. Or I'm broken? Doesn't matter.

Point is, don't rile me. Don't make me angry.

Because once I'm broken, you can consider me gone.

it was written in the stars.

For a few months now, I've been telling my mom that I wanted to treat myself to something. I've been working for 5 years now and the only expensive thing I've bought so far is a normal leather bag, which has served me well and is in fact, still serving me fine.

While others have treated themselves with lovely designer bags, I decidedly felt that a designer bag wouldn't make me happy enough.

I wanted to treat myself to a charm bracelet from Pandora, but kept hesitating, for the same reason I decided not to treat myself to a designer handbag.

In the end, I knew that only one thing could make me happy enough.

Told my husband about it and he, being the enthusiast, didn't hesitate to accompany me to my "try-outs". At the end of it all, we decided against any purchase because the price of all of those that I liked were just too steep. I either had to settle with something less or wait until things looked up for me.

I decided on the latter.

As fate had it, yesterday was the day.

My husband called me up excitedly, telling me of the good news. The moment I was able to leave office, we went to the shop, hand in hand, just hoping that The One was still there. As I had so fervently hoped, there it was, in the glass showcase, just like when I first saw it.

There was no more room for hesitation. I knew that I had to have it then. Best thing of all is that it seemed to (perfectly) go with everything I had on for work yesterday (read: yellow|cream|brown). If I had let it go yesterday, I don't think I would have forgiven myself.

Now that it's draped around my wrist, I feel a sense of accomplishment for having worked so hard for the past 5 years.

This is the best present one could ever treat herself with and I'm glad I did.

Alhamdulillah :)