Let it Burn

Phew.

It has been a long, long time. I have wanted to write about so many things but they always stop short at the title.

But right now, I just feel like letting things off my chest.

I feel tired. Really tired. And what else about if not about work. I’ve come to that point again. That point where I am burnt to my core, where motivation is close to none and my sense of urgency is pretty much down the drain. Because everything has become so urgent, urgent seems like such a funny word to me. Really, it is. Sometimes, when people tell me something is urgent, it sends me into shackles of laughter because I don’t think anyone around here knows what urgent is anymore.

Sigh.

People tell me I should be thankful. What with this beautiful building I come to work at everyday. What with my own room and furniture and everything. And I am thankful. But that doesn’t make me any less burnt out you see. This “burnt-out-ness” is really making me count days to my weekends because that is all I look forward to.

I most definitely am not looking for another job, at least not for now.

All I need is a break. No. Actually, all I need is a week without anything other than my existing work to come in so that I can settle my existing work and then, people can start piling new things on my table because I love to work so much.

I am scared looking at my “In” tray and sometimes, I wish that I could just bury them all away and jetset somewhere beautiful.

Until that daydream comes to life, I shall continue to follow my own pace because if I go at the pace that everyone else is going, I may not be able to catch my breath. As it is, I already am short of it.

So, I’ll just let it burn. Even if it may be to my detriment. Just this time.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Alah bisa, tegal biasa.

If there is one word which could precisely depict this phase in my life, it would be erratic. Seriously, seriously erratic. One moment I am absolutely okay, the next, I’m not. And when I’m not, I really am not.

I’ve sought advice from my mommy friends and they told me to not think too much about it. It’s just a phase and it will pass and the next thing I know, I would already be delivering and that I would want to be pregnant all over again. So far, a lot of people tell me it’s an experience they would like to repeat.

And so, I tried. I tried to go about my life as per normal. As per before I actually found out that I was expecting.

But I’ve got to say that nausea is no laughing matter. And vomiting takes at least 2 days to recover from. So, though I try to keep my head up, think all positive thoughts and images of my unborn child, whom, despite everything, I have fallen deeply in love with, it eventually gets to my head.

I suddenly realise how tiring this early phase really is. Not so much because of the experience but more of because how out of control I am over everything.

I can’t help falling asleep at random times (and places). You don’t want to know how many times I have hid under my table at work and fell asleep because I just couldn’t stand looking at the computer, even, let alone staring at it to get my work done.

I don't even know why I'm so exhausted to begin with. Am I not the Energizer Bunny? *sigh*

I also can’t help that I’m expanding (though finally at places I was once challenged) and feeling absolutely ugly with my new hairdo and figure and all.

There are many things I would like to eat, but there is very little that I can stand cooking without throwing up. And so, we’re really bingeing on take-outs these days. My favourites are pizza and fries.

Oh, and you know what? I can’t even smell my husband’s perfume and I’m the one who bought that perfume for him! How bizarre is that?

The thing that I can’t stand most about myself is that I am currently a 24/7 Burp Machine and also Champion of Fart Fest. Those things don’t exist, but let’s hold a competition amongst pregnant women now, shall we? It’s possible that I’ll pass as Top 3.

When all these things are meshed into this little head of mine and my body feels like it’s alien to me, that’s when I break down. Like how I did this week. Like how I cried and moaned and asked every single day of the week when this will end or if it does actually get better like people say it will.

Despite my cravings to buy new clothes and wanting to blowdry my hair in the morning so that I look nice, I really don’t think I look nice at all, causing me all this unnecessary heartache and paranoia. And when people tell me I look lovely, I think they’re only being kind because I look huge? Psycho much? Uhuh, very, right?

I know things insyaAllah will eventually get better. And I believe it when they say that you’ll miss being pregnant and that you’d want more that one kid because it is an experience so good, it’s got to be repeated. My Mama is living proof. She had it worst than me but she still had 3 kids. So, yeah, I know that this phase will pass.

And for fear of sounding ungrateful and bratty, I did not update on these everyday “nuisances” every single day because I know that they are part of parcel of this process which many would kill to experience. Vomit or no vomit.

I’m approaching the end of my first trimester in about 2 weeks. I hope that I will be blessed with a “textbook” pregnancy where it will all “go away” at the end of 14 weeks. If not, I know that at least my next scan would be able to lighten my spirits up because they tell me that the baby will REALLY GROW from the 10th-14th week.

If it all won’t “go away”, I’ll just have to eventually tell myself that “alah bisa, tegal biasa”.

Maka, bersyukurlah that someone chose me to be his/her parent :)

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

it's a small world after all.

If there is one thing that I can say with conviction, it would be that I had an awesome, awesome upbringing. Really. Despite hating the house rules once upon a time ago and wondering why everything had to be the way they are, I really am glad that I turned out the way I did because of those “so-called ridiculous” rules.

I think we were always taught to be kind. To not be prejudiced. To be friends with everyone. But of course, with certain limits. Since we all grew up in boarding schools, we also learnt that if someone “stepped on your foot” on purpose, you’re allowed to “step back” on theirs. Just so they know who they are messing with. But if there is anything “cruel” we were ever taught, that was just about it. In my eyes, I like to see it as “survival of the fetus” instead.

And so, we all grew up being friends with most people. I think I can also say with conviction that I have the kindest siblings anyone can ever ask for. And some of the most unprejudiced ones too. Always, always think of where people are coming from. No right or wrong, just different.

Which is why I am sometimes baffled at how snobbish and prejudiced and picky some people can get sometimes. Really. As if smiling will flex their face muscles until they’re ruined. Or saying “Hi” first at a random place will burst their ego or reputation. You know, things like that.

I’ve learnt more often than I care to remember that life is a cycle. When I say it is, I know it is. It’s not just a saying. And I also know that when people tell you to be nice to one another, it’s because you don’t know where you’ll be in say... 5 years time from now. It really doesn’t take that long. And you don’t know when you might need another person’s favour and so, you better not be mean because that person could be the person whose life you made miserable.

To prove my point, I have seniors in school who are now my juniors in Service. Thank God I don’t hold grudges. I grew up with them and there are so many stories I could tell if I wanted, but I won’t.

You really wouldn’t know what’s going to happen. So, say “Hi”. If that’s so difficult to do, just smile. It really is that simple. And it really is a small world after all.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Trust no one.

Recently, a scandal took storm in my office. And no, it’s not the “conservative” kind of scandal where boy meets girl, I just chose to use the term “scandal” loosely, for lack of better word.

I am not a fan of scandals. Really. To that end, I don’t contribute to creating one, nor do I “add salt to the open wound” where one takes place.

Because to me, a scandal is a scandal; it has taken place and there’s nothing that anyone can say or do to undo it. Plus, we’re all grown people, capable of making our own decisions. And to me, the decision made in that particular scandal was personal. It is a matter of choice and preference, which has nothing to do with me.

Only, I have to say that I’m not particularly impressed with the way the decision was made. Because from something which had nothing to do with me, it ended up having everything to do with me due to the circumstances.

If there is one thing I cannot tolerate, it would be irresponsibility and whatever took place recently spells irresponsibility all over. And such irresponsibility resulted in hardship onto others which others most definitely do not need.

Besides that, there’s a myriad of theories being passed around, some involving people around me and it affects me somehow because people talk.

What’s worst, some very irresponsible people have managed to “keep the fire ablaze” somehow, by not letting this thing pass. And when some quarters refuse to let things pass, this matter will never hear its end and we all live in fear that everything we say and do will somehow or rather, in some way, at some point in time, be used against us, by people we least expect. Even when we don’t deserve that kind of publicity.

In the end, the best bet is to trust no one. Which most definitely does not guarantee a thing. But the best thing. At least for now.

May this scandal pass. And quickly. I'm tired and I can't wait to move on.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Altered.

I have become an altered person. Increasingly, I find that there are many things I love which I don’t anymore and there are many undiscovered wonders, which I have found joy in. Like a pack of Ligo Raisins for example.

Besides being totally and completely altered, I have also become preoccupied. Totally and completely. Preoccupied and in fact committed with making myself feel better for the benefit of all.

You see, life normally takes you through this “course of nature”, where one thing takes place after the other. And naturally, with marriage, people next expect “comes the baby carriage”.

And 8 months, 3 HPTs and 2 doctor visits later, I was confirmed pregnant.

It’s been a while since I knew. In fact, it’s been a while since everyone around me sort of... “knew”. It got to a point where they wanted to get me tested because I have never been that sick ever. It got to a point where everyone just let me sleep on a working day, sometimes past 3 p.m. on a Friday because I looked so weak. Everyone “knew”. Especially those who are mothers.

I was the only one who was too cowardly to test. For fear that the line does not turn blue like I want it to.

But after so many queries, even from friends who simply guessed by reading my blog posts and tweets, I thought, “It could be my turn. This could be my time.”

It’s funny how instincts work sometimes. Some time end of July just before Ramadan, I told my husband about the non-existent HPTs in our house. I told him that it seems like every married couple kept at least ONE in their medicine cabinet and all we had in ours was pills and vicks vaporub and the likes. So, he obliged and bought me the twin packed Clearblue.

When my worst reached its peak, I decided to pee on the stick. Because mind you, I really have never been that weak. Or that sick. In fact, I have never been that sleepy. So, if it wasn’t pregnancy, I knew that I had to get some medical attention. And fast.

And in about 3 seconds, the line turned blue. A clear, clear blue, just as the name suggests. Of course, I had doubts. Fears, even, that the HPT was faulty. So, I read up on the Clearblue website and it confirmed that without the existence of HCG in my urine, the test would have turned out negative. So, a week later, I tested some more. And on the day I went to see the doctor, I tested with Clearblue Digital. Just to be sure.

You may wonder why I was so doubtful.

I mean, for most women, them missing a period is indication enough, right? Thing is, just before Ramadan, my “period” did come. Only when I scanned my tummy at the clinic did I know that my baby already has a heartbeat! So, turns out that my “period” was mere spotting (which I kind of guessed but didn’t want to get my hopes too high at that point). Thus, this previous post.

And so, there goes. We are both ecstatic about this! You can’t even start to imagine how ecstatic my parents and siblings and in-laws are too. Of course, I’m a bit scared, but having this little friend growing inside me, whom I can talk to everyday whenever I want because s/he is always there overrides whatever fears that I have. In fact, I can’t wait for the next scan because I can’t wait to see how much s/he has grown!

I already know how much I love you, even before I met you. And I so can’t wait to plant sloppy kisses on your cheeks come April.

Alhamdulillah for the heartbeat. And for my growing belly, with my little growing friend inside of it.

:')

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Snot

The only place in this whole office which is not cold is the toilet. And the only place in this office with reliable-enough tissue papers is the toilet. So, I’ve been in the toilet most of the time. Kalau bukan bulan puasa, mungkin terpaksa rapat-rapat dengan syaitan. Orang kata toilet tu lubuk syaitan, kan?

Berapa minggu tak update, bila update terus merungut, ye? Tak senonoh betul.

Hello dan assalamualaikum semua. I have been away for a long, long time (by my standards) and there is nothing that warrants my absence. And I have no intention to make up any reasons just because.

I have been so under the weather lately. The photo you see above is a only a fraction of my limited “collection” of tissue papers I have been using up like nobody’s business. Sneezing non-stop. Coughing also. It’s no way to end Ramadan and begin Raya, but that’s the way life goes I guess.

These past few weeks have been pretty eventful, actually. We went back to my husband’s hometown and went back to his kampung, where I had the bestest kampung food in a long, long time. His nenek is such a great cook, even her simple dishes like sup sayur is the bomb!

Though Raya is approaching, we still don’t have any kuih raya and we plan to make them this weekend. Harap-harap sempatlah. Kalau dapat 3 jenis pun dah cukup gembira hati ini. Yes, when you’re so used to baking your own cookies, you no longer know which ones are good to buy, membuatkan you have to “terpaksa” buat juga every year. Sebenarnya best gila, but if only without this flu. I may have to wear my mask nanti and jadi mandur saja kepada Mama and Adik. Jadi mandur Mama tu. Keji punya anak. Hehe.

Actually, no one is in the mood for work, tapi work keeps piling. The other day, we were asked to list the works under our purview and wow, I didn’t know I had THAT much until I listed them all. I have a few discussions lining up, but for fear that I infect everyone with my very not-Raya-friendly disease, I only communicate via emails. And then, because I am so tired from my non-stop snot snotting, I sleep on their emails. Habislah, I’ll have a “ball” catching up on my work after Raya.

Haih.

Sebenarnya, I have nothing much to update on. Ada sebenarnya, tapi tak pasti cerita basi ada orang nak dengar ke lagi.

When I start writing like this (like I am berborak with you), you know that I can’t put even 5 minutes into drafting a good post kan? So, I’ll leave this blog for now and look forward for tomorrow to end. Lepas tu boleh buka puasa dan balik rumah Mama yes!

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

when you have to beat brownies

Say what?

Yeap, you heard me right, alright. What do you have to do when you have to beat brownies?

Thanks to a certain someone (read: Mama yang baik hati), all our recipes have been revealed to anyone who asks her. Be it her cookies, cakes or other dishes, her cookbook is always open for everyone to copy.

Which, is all well and dandy if everyone isn’t family. But all those who have copied are family. And now, we have the same cookies and cakes. And brownies not excluded.

Pffffffftttt.

In fact, Na has gotten so good at baking brownies, she even makes money out of it! That’s not even my point, actually. My point is that since we have the same recipes, it becomes increasingly difficult to bring anything to potlucks these days, without the risk of having dishes/desserts that are the same.

So, last weekend, when my mom said I should bring some fruits, I came bearing “fruits”.

I searched high and low on the internet for a good recipe and found one, which I thought was worth trying. Plus of course, it had to be one which uses ingredients I already have.

In all my attempts to beat brownies, I made this –

peach custard

And went to the potluck, only to find that no one had bothered to bake brownies to begin with "=.="

Since I’m not a fan of fruits out of a can (apart from lychee), I didn’t taste even a bit of it. Don’t know if it was too sweet or too bland but I know that by the time the night was over, only ¼ of the casserole was left.

Sure sign that it was really good, perhaps?

But what confirms that it was really good is that my little cousin Hannah, the most honest of them all, had subsequent helpings at home because she loved it!

So, at least I know that in someone’s eyes, brownies have been beaten, if only for one night.

I've got to say, that for my first attempt in making anything "custardy" this wasn't so bad. But after this, I’ll stick to making everything chocolate. Unless of course, there’s some special request ;)

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

while i was away.

For some inexplicable reason, the way I am handling this year’s Ramadan is as if I have never fasted my whole life. Constantly, I find myself tired, sleepy and most alarmingly, hungry. And no, it’s no longer the “my-tummy-grumbles-so-loud-I-am-embarrassed” kind of hungry, it’s actually excruciatingly painful, I’m now forced to review my diet.

I always thought I knew my body well enough. But apparently not.

As I’ve established the fact that I cannot consume rice during sahur, I resigned to having bread as my staple. For sahur at least.

And for some reason, these past few days, even bread has failed me. But I know I’ve got to eat something if I don’t plan to lose so much weight until my clothes hang loosely all over. So, today, I resorted to nestum. I feel relatively better than yesterday, but those gastric juices are so threatening, they’re pretty hard to ignore.

In all honesty, this eating “disorder” is bugging the living daylights out of me. Not just because I am not able to properly eat my sahur, but also because it does, to a certain extent, affect my ability to consume everything else after breaking of fast.

And though I don’t normally eat that much, even the normal amount I consume can make me barf.

Alarming, isn’t it?

It’s not my first time fasting and it’s not even the first few days. We’re half way through and I feel like this, whereas I’ve never had it THIS bad. Yes, I’ve had it before, but this time round is really quite terrible.

I’m just hoping that this phase passes by quickly so that I can properly enjoy my Ramadan. Wind is no fun. Gastric juices are no fun. Upset tummies, much less. And all I want to be is strong.

Like I’ve always been before.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Cek Mek Kelate.

My mom’s been bugging me the past week. She tells me that the Pasar Ramadan in TTDI is no fun and that the choices are so limited and all the favourite stalls are no more. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been back to TTDI for their Pasar Ramadan. And believe it or not, we’ve only been to the Pasar Ramadan in Putrajaya once.

I take that as proof that my cooking’s improving. Someone seems to love home cooked meals a tad too much these days! Haha.

Well, anyways, it’s not really a secret that my parents own a house in Seri Putra. After all, we did have our engagement ceremony there and I think we all reached a consensus that that place, to a certain extent, is magical.

And since my parents went back there last weekend, we decided to follow suit.

You should have seen my mom’s face! OHMYGOD, so gleeful, I swear she looked like a little kid. Of course, it “helped” A LOT that we were around. That meant she had an excuse to buy more food, though I’ve got to say that “more” seemed like... way too much. Those who know my mom would attest to this fact. She’ll cook for 30 people if I told her that we’ll be having a party of 10.

But I let her be. After all, she doesn’t get to do that in TTDI anymore.

Well, I’ve got to admit that I was in awe at the variety the Pasar Malam at Seri Putra offered too. I mean, it was really, really, REALLY meriah, okay? It always looks like a party and it’s interesting to see so many kinds of people there. I bet the one in TTDI only has pensioners these days, seeing that so many elder people live there. Ehehehe, peace!

Eh, where was I? Anyways, I recently developed an obsession for nasi kerabu. Surprise, surprise. I’m becoming a Cek Mek Kelate? Owh, wow! I do not know what sparked this obsession, but I do know when it began. It began at the Pasar Tani on Tuesdays and Fridays in Putrajaya, where I bought my first packet of nasi kerabu (in a long time) at Nasi Kerabu Miela (if I am not mistaken).

Generally, I am not that fussy about food. But not where nasi kerabu is concerned. To me, for a nasi kerabu to be a good nasi kerabu, all the elements must align. Yes. The amount of tartness, spiciness, saltiness and all the –ness you can think of must be well-balanced. And of course, the solok lada, the star of the show, must, must, MUST be delicious and perfect. No compromise. And I found that in Nasi Kerabu Miela.

So, naturally, since this obsession is pretty new, I scouted for the best looking nasi kerabu I could find at Seri Putra.

I got lucky!

Where better to buy nasi kerabu than to buy it at “Ori Kelate” where the vendors’ speech was thickly “Kelantan-accented” and the nasi didn’t look like it’s been soaking in colouring and chicken looked like it was made with love and the solok lada! Ahhh, the solok lada looked like the kind I could munch on without getting bored, ever!

I had nasi kerabu ayam percik from Ori Kelate 2 days in a row and I promise you that you will drive all the way there just to taste it again.

Ori Kelate vs. Nasi Kerabu Miela = 1 – 0

Sigh. So sedap, you have no idea.

This, you can only get in Seri Putra (apart from Kelantan, of course). It surely has just proved itself to be especially magical during Ramadan. *usap perut kegirangan*

And that just makes me feel so annoyingly GEE DOUBLE OW DEE GOOD.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

works best when opened.

New Zealand, 2006

“The mind is like a parachute, it works best when opened” Robert Dewar

I’m thankful for all the travels I have been blessed with. I appreciate the fact that I’ve had the opportunity to explore this world and its many wonders. Because it is true when people say that travelling opens our minds. It opens our minds to a myriad of wonderful things.

Like great weather and great sceneries. Like well-established systems and efficient public transportation. Like friendly smiles from strangers and well-mannered and well-cultured societies. Like wonderful shops that sell wonderful things and excellent customer service. And of course, great food, what else.

I hate to admit this, but I will. Every time I come back from my travels, I am more often than not... disappointed with my own country. I am disappointed with the public transportation, or shall I say... the lack of good buses, in particular. I am disappointed at how our officials don’t take their jobs seriously at our borders. I am disappointed at how lackadaisical we are about providing good infrastructure to the people. Like how we lack in proper walkways by the roadside or how we fail to provide proper public toilets and how we don’t have enough seats at waiting areas.

And mostly (believe it or not), I am disappointed at the Malay culture on so many different levels, I don’t think you even want to know. Because believe you me, even in countries where the main religion is Christianity, you’d be surprised to see how “Islamic” their culture is.

Yes, when you travel, you learn to demarcate between what is religion and what is culture. And you learn that most of the time, you could be the most pious person but be a disgrace to your religion because of your unsavoury culture.

But of course, there are times when I come back from my travels feeling absolutely lucky to be part of Malaysia. To have such a peaceful country where people can co-exist peacefully. Where people of different cultures and religions can blend and be friends. Where food is abundant and relatively cheaper than anywhere else in the world. And of course, for having one of the most envied climates as it is a mild summer all year long.

It’s just that sometimes, I just wished we could assimilate others’ good culture. Like saying hello to strangers without being looked at as strange and queer. Like not being too “curious” (or in a more familiar term “busy body”) when something is happening in your vicinity. Like not minding when a stranger shares your bench in the mall. Like not being so ignorant about our own country, say for example, when being asked about directions to a particular landmark or being asked about facts like who is the Football Team Captain or where you could get souvenirs at a cheaper price.

These are things/knowledge that we should all be equipped with as Malaysians. Because, most of the people I’ve met during my travels, even if they wear a Mohawk or pink or green hair or super short, short skirts, know these things. They are so acutely aware of their country and their jobs, that I sometimes cringe thinking about the girl at Customer Service/Information Counters I’ve encountered in Malaysia who don’t even know the mall or shop she’s in charge of at the back of her hand.

So you see. There is a lot to improve on. Each time people say budaya Barat adalah budaya “kuning”, I just smirk. Because all they have seen are the things shown on TV. Though to a certain extent I admit that there are cultures which leaves little to be desired, there are very good cultures which are commendable and deserve the right to be considered.

We should compare our country to those countries, which are less fortunate, yes. But only so that we don’t become ungrateful. But to me, the only way forward is to compare ourselves with those developed nations and think about how we could be like them.

If they have succeeded in becoming what they are, I don’t see why we can’t be better.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Macarooni Bandwagon.

image googled.

Pray, tell me...

Apart from the fact that macaroons are vividly-coloured and extremely “photogenic”, what is it about them that’s making everyone go so crazy?

Please, tell me.

I’ll come clean before I go on with this entry – I’ve only tasted it twice, in 3 different flavours and none of them came from the shop named Whisk or the likes. So, I may change my mind on this subject matter. Just maybe.

Thing is this. My experience with macaroons hasn’t really been bad. But I didn’t think they’re that great either to deserve all the rage that they’re receiving. So, seriously, what’s so good about it, really?

Apart from being the “highly sugar and colouring-laden confectionaries” that they are?

Is there any particular reason why people love macaroons so much?

Or this is just another case of “lets-jump-on-the-macaroon-bandwagon-already” since everyone is so fond of doing the whole bandwagon exercise these days?

Because I’m starting to think that only a really, really, really sweet tooth can stomach them macaroons without giving them a toothache.

Seriously.

You sure won’t see me on the Macarooni Bandwagon anytime soon. Unless of course, some macaroon can change my mind. We'll see. 

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)