September 23, 2011

Alah bisa, tegal biasa.

If there is one word which could precisely depict this phase in my life, it would be erratic. Seriously, seriously erratic. One moment I am absolutely okay, the next, I’m not. And when I’m not, I really am not.

I’ve sought advice from my mommy friends and they told me to not think too much about it. It’s just a phase and it will pass and the next thing I know, I would already be delivering and that I would want to be pregnant all over again. So far, a lot of people tell me it’s an experience they would like to repeat.

And so, I tried. I tried to go about my life as per normal. As per before I actually found out that I was expecting.

But I’ve got to say that nausea is no laughing matter. And vomiting takes at least 2 days to recover from. So, though I try to keep my head up, think all positive thoughts and images of my unborn child, whom, despite everything, I have fallen deeply in love with, it eventually gets to my head.

I suddenly realise how tiring this early phase really is. Not so much because of the experience but more of because how out of control I am over everything.

I can’t help falling asleep at random times (and places). You don’t want to know how many times I have hid under my table at work and fell asleep because I just couldn’t stand looking at the computer, even, let alone staring at it to get my work done.

I don't even know why I'm so exhausted to begin with. Am I not the Energizer Bunny? *sigh*

I also can’t help that I’m expanding (though finally at places I was once challenged) and feeling absolutely ugly with my new hairdo and figure and all.

There are many things I would like to eat, but there is very little that I can stand cooking without throwing up. And so, we’re really bingeing on take-outs these days. My favourites are pizza and fries.

Oh, and you know what? I can’t even smell my husband’s perfume and I’m the one who bought that perfume for him! How bizarre is that?

The thing that I can’t stand most about myself is that I am currently a 24/7 Burp Machine and also Champion of Fart Fest. Those things don’t exist, but let’s hold a competition amongst pregnant women now, shall we? It’s possible that I’ll pass as Top 3.

When all these things are meshed into this little head of mine and my body feels like it’s alien to me, that’s when I break down. Like how I did this week. Like how I cried and moaned and asked every single day of the week when this will end or if it does actually get better like people say it will.

Despite my cravings to buy new clothes and wanting to blowdry my hair in the morning so that I look nice, I really don’t think I look nice at all, causing me all this unnecessary heartache and paranoia. And when people tell me I look lovely, I think they’re only being kind because I look huge? Psycho much? Uhuh, very, right?

I know things insyaAllah will eventually get better. And I believe it when they say that you’ll miss being pregnant and that you’d want more that one kid because it is an experience so good, it’s got to be repeated. My Mama is living proof. She had it worst than me but she still had 3 kids. So, yeah, I know that this phase will pass.

And for fear of sounding ungrateful and bratty, I did not update on these everyday “nuisances” every single day because I know that they are part of parcel of this process which many would kill to experience. Vomit or no vomit.

I’m approaching the end of my first trimester in about 2 weeks. I hope that I will be blessed with a “textbook” pregnancy where it will all “go away” at the end of 14 weeks. If not, I know that at least my next scan would be able to lighten my spirits up because they tell me that the baby will REALLY GROW from the 10th-14th week.

If it all won’t “go away”, I’ll just have to eventually tell myself that “alah bisa, tegal biasa”.

Maka, bersyukurlah that someone chose me to be his/her parent :)

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


Anonymous said...

I felt exactly like you till i was in my 15 16th week and i thought i WILL NEVER gt better.. I didnt puke but i couldnt eat most things cos i had no appetite at all. Within 4 mths, i lost close to 5kg even without puking. I didnt even gt close to losing 3kg for my wedding... Hee.. I was soooo sad cos i was so tired n i only wanted to lie down on my bed. I didnt even wanna shop! Bt im in my 19th week nw n things are finally looking up! So yes, insyaallah its just a phase! You wil go thru this. :)

Haneesa said...

dear anonymous,

yes, i do sure hope that this is just a phase :)

thanks for dropping by!


livingblossoms said...

Belated congrats to u Kakak! Hope everything goes well with the pregnancy and take care of yourself n the lil one!

Haneesa said...

Jinan: thanks dear! :)