office politics

I can’t even start to describe how terrible I feel about this entire thing. I’ve never felt so lowly, not to mention cheap. I’ve never known myself to be the type of person who would buy herself out of something because I know I am the type who accepts her wrong, even if the mistake I made was due to sheer stupidity. And I have never known myself to be the type of person who would succumb to the kind of pressure I am now succumbing to; the type that gives the satisfaction to a particular type of “people” of knowing how freaking affected I am by them.

I hate Honours. I hate it because of the office politics. I hate it because my brain capacity is not put to good use. I hate it that my type of soft-skills will not get me through this extremely tough time. I hate it that this is the most crucial time of my life and that I need to surrender and compromise in areas in which I do not wish to do so. I simply hate the way things operate.

I know that probably a lot of people are clueless as to what I am babbling about. So, let me enlighten you. Have you ever been forced to go to an annual dinner? Have you ever been coerced to cooperate with a bunch of stuck up snobs who don’t give a damn who you are and think that the universe revolves around them, who expect everyone to pay to them an exorbitant amount? Have you ever been told in the rudest way possible that your attendance to a particular annual dinner would determine whether or not you would graduate?

Probably you all think that I’m exaggerating about the part where my non-attendance will affect the way in which I graduate. You probably think I’m making things up when I say that I most probably will fail a particular paper if I don’t go to this stupid annual dinner. But you probably don’t know what’s going on in the Faculty. You have no idea the extent to which some people would strive to get what they want because they are so used to getting what they want. And to top that, you have no idea what the people “upstairs” are capable of doing… things like failing students due to non-academic-related things, perhaps.

It sucks. It really does. These things give me unnecessary stress that I definitely do not need. Though I might not be in much of a financial problem as compared to some people whose problems are real, I know for a fact that the RM 85.00 that I have forked out to get myself out of failing a paper for non-academic reasons could be put to better use… like filling in my petrol, or buying myself a new cartridge, perhaps?

And the fact that I am so adamant about not going tells me something. I may not be the most superstitious person on planet earth and I normally don’t spot signs before something happens. But this particular event, I have doubts about a lot of things. Kalau ikut kata orang Melayu, “tak sedap hati”, macam tulah. I hate the fact that our money would be channeled into calling some Zouk DJ to host the “after-party” which I would not be staying for because that definitely is NOT my kind of thing. I think that if these people are so in need of entertainment as such, they should have a private party at a club where they would enjoy themselves without having to do so at the expense of other people.

Tak pernah fikir ke ha? If the police suddenly comes and raids the after-party? Have they never thought of the fact that people might abuse that particular time to use drugs and booze and stuff like that? Did it ever cross their minds the inappropriateness of such parties since the date of the dinner itself is just 3 days prior to Ramadhan?

I may not be the most pious person and I am definitely not one of those extreme conservatives. But hey, even I know my limits. Did it ever cross their minds, all of the things I mentioned above? Did it ever cross their minds to at least ask if we agreed to the things they had planned? I know that it’s virtually impossible to make everyone happy, but some courtesy of asking some other people’s opinion and consent would have been nice. So much for wanting to teach soft-skills. The organizers should look in the mirror and see what rude people they are before trying to preach to the rest of us about soft-skills.

It tires me just thinking about all of this. I hate all of this. I hate all of the politics. I hate it that the only way around the world is by using the root of all evil; MONEY. I hate it that I have surrendered though I very much wanted to hold on to the very last thread. I hate the fact that I made some petty, silly, technical mistakes, which actually does not amount to failing, but would result me in failing due to circumstances totally out of my control. I hate all of the things that are going on around me. Get me out of here.

ideal

It’s half past ten and I’m still lazing around in my PJs. Merdeka truly means a whole load of new things to me this year. I am a little bit disappointed that I did not see even a hint of fireworks since I slept like a baby that night; recuperating and getting all the much needed sleep I lost due to the hectic schedule the week before. It’s been a while since I last had the chance to laze around doing nothing like this. Note: I have tonnes of articles to read, but I decided to take a break for a while. It’s been a while since I last stayed put at home on a Sunday morning, not worrying about going to the office to complete this file or that file because I managed to do that yesterday.

I’d have to say that I would really like to propose to someone who would listen that every week be changed to a 4-day working week because it gives us all ample time to rest. I think I got as much sleep as I lost, in fact I got more. And I think that this 4-day a week working day gives me so much time to do all other chores other than studying or completing files. Even Mami is relaxing outside because we’ve got almost everything done and covered during the long weekend we got.

But tomorrow will come soon and I must admit how tempted I am to flee. It’s not that I’ve got problems with anyone in the Firm or Class or Batch. It’s just that sometimes I wish for things not to be routine all the time because it can get pretty sickening doing the same things over and over again. A break from the normal chain of events would be a treat indeed. Like a weekend off to PD at Nadd’s place would have been a great treat indeed. In fact the girls are there now probably jumping into the pool and soaking themselves until their skins shrivel, laughing like mad people. I could not join them due to obvious reasons. And I would have loved a weekend off at PD especially. That would have been a great Merdeka treat.

But I guess I’m wishing in vain. I guess I have to be content with a relaxing weekend such as this. I mean, this really is more than I could ever wish for, right? But I still wish every week were a 4-day working week. That would be extremely ideal…

deception

Every single week, we all come back home for the weekend with the impression that the worst is over. Every. Single. Week. Every other weekend, we make plans of where to go; we make plans to hang out with friends, we make plans to meet up, we make plans to go home to our families, we make plans to eat at nice places because truly, we are all deprived of the best things in life. But every single weekend, we go back home deceived. We are so busy that we all don’t realize what a deceitful programme Honours really is. Or probably we are all in denial, thinking that things will eventually get better.

Whatever it is, I’m starting to think real hard about things. If I haven’t mentioned this anywhere earlier, I’m saying this now; I wouldn’t have thought that this is humanly possible to endure if no batch has ever passed this programme. If I’ve said it somewhere before, then, I must be repeating myself for the thousandth time.

I don’t know. I haven’t been home for at least 4 weeks now, and not because I don’t want to. It’s just that, I’ll get homesick once I’m there, making it harder and harder to leave. And making it harder and harder for me to endure each week. I can’t even talk to my mom now because I miss her so much.

I think they intentionally designed it to be this way so that we would persevere in the real world. (and just in case you're smirking, I knew this a long time ago. I'm just thinking aloud). At this point, I think no one can afford to break down and crack. The last thing we all should do to is to succumb under this pressing pressure. I guess I’m pep-talking myself.

I really should get back to work, as there are tonnes and tonnes of things undone.

“and I can’t explain why it’s not enough, coz I’d give it all to you… do you see how much I need you right now?”

instability strikes hard

There are a lot of things that I have never done during my BLS years that I have now learnt and picked up during my Honours. For example, reading for a test at the very last minute. My test is in approximately 12 hours and to be very honest, I’m almost coming to that point where I don’t really want to give a damn anymore. It’s just too taxing to think about, and I think that if I think any longer, I might just go crazy.

But being me, I know that I would at the very least flip thorough all the pages if not read through them thoroughly. I’m just learning the art of compromising. I don’t want to do each and every single thing too perfectly for fear that I might break down of stress. And at this point in time, stress really is the last thing I need.

I had quite a day today, actually. I actually wore something other than my pyjamas and black and white outfit due to certain occasions. Today was Batts brother’s wedding ceremony, and so it was fun to do something different and go someplace else other than the office. I also had the opportunity of brushing shoulders with YAA Richard Malajum, which was a superb experience. He really seems like a cool person, honest.

But today is coming to an end, and I don’t know how to boost my own morale to face the office tomorrow. I absolutely have no enthusiasm whatsoever. I think all of this is killing me softly.

Other than that, I’m feeling fine I guess. Everything’s good bar a few. I’ve nothing much to complain about other than the endless supply of workload. I think I need a long, hot bath and just to cry my eyeballs out for no reason. Probably then, I’d feel better. I also need a long hug, badly.

somebody hug me...

An outing with jantung hatiku; that’s what I needed to make me feel alive.

It’s been 7 long weeks and that means that I’ve won half the battle already. I know that counting the days will probably make time pass by slower, but really, I can’t wait for all of this to be over so that I can finally get a good, proper rest.

Actually, last weekend, I got my well-deserved rest. I really needed those long naps and unlimited consumption of food. And of course I was blessed with great company and endless laughter. So, l’m glad I took last weekend off.

But now that I’m back, I feel like I have second thoughts of what I’m currently doing. I don’t want to deny the fact that I have basically no other life, other than what I have at the office. I can never promise anyone for a date because I will never know what is around the corner. OU, which used to be my playground; I haven’t been to for a long, long time. I have cravings that have yet to be fulfilled. I have friends that I dearly miss and would really like to have a chat with. I have so many none work-related things that I would like to do but my weekends are robbed off me. My weekdays are stolen. My nights are occupied with piles of work and books. And the weekend off last week made me think of how much I really would like a normal life like I used to have.

But like my brother said just now, if I had any other option, he’d probably tell me to quit. But since I really have no other choice, I have to either toughen out through it, or quit and die and do nothing. So, really, I think I just have to toughen it out right now, right? I don’t know. I guess I really have won half the battle already since I have yet broken down due to anything work-related. But still.

Know what, I think I’ll just stop. There’s something on my mind which I’m not entitled to share. So I’ll leave this at this.

energizer bunny

For some reason, which still is very much unfathomable to me, the moot court gives me a sense peace. It could be because it is such a familiar place, that it gives me comfort in knowing that good things have happened in here and that great memories and everlasting friendships have been forged during the long hours we spent together in here earlier this year.

It’s going to be the 6th week into this programme next week and I’m not even sure I want to describe what it feels like. I don’t think I have much to complain about because everyone is getting the same amount of workload and the workload really is shite. It’s definitely more than anyone can handle, but we’re handling it anyways.

It’s not tough being a person people depend on. It’s not difficult being the person in charge when the rest of the group is cooperative and is the least of my problems. It’s just me. I’m afraid of not being able to do a good job out of all this. I keep on thinking on how to keep their morale boosted so that we won’t ever be too tired to do work together. I keep on thinking if there is any other way I can give them the freedom of thought; of how to think, but I can think of no other way because I just can’t think anymore.

I am known to at least a handful of people as the energizer bunny. I’ll be running up the long flight of stairs in the morning and still be doing the same at 6 o’clock and also at 10 o’clock when my classes have all finally come to an end. I try my best to keep and conserve all the good energy as much as possible.

But then again, even energizer bunnies run out of batteries sometimes, right? Sometimes, I feel like I just need a long, hot shower and a long nap during the weekend so that I can recharge and rejuvenate. Only that way will I be able to make the best of this brain that Allah has gracefully and unselfishly lent to me.

So, after 6 weeks of going through so many classes and files and book, and a whole load of stairs, tell me how else am I a supposed to keep up with my own pace, which I have set, and determined to maintain, and how am I supposed to boost the morale of my ever-helpful firm mates, when I, myself am losing it?

But I read somewhere, “…Allah will not give us something that we cannot handle…”
I plan to hold on to that.

the climb up

The first week has gone…
I don’t know how to describe what I feel because I honestly am I a daze. Classes have begun and I guess they’re all okay, but I feel a little bit lost because I don’t know how I’ll cope when the workload piles on and the tensions rise.
So far, everything has been going on just fine. I have very cooperative firm mates, which I am of course, extremely thankful for, and for now, I am content that I don’t have to deal with petty squabbles or internal problems.
I guess I’m just more worried of myself and the expectations I have of my own performance.
I intend to do well, no matter how tough it will be.
And I intend to do my best.
For now, it’s safe to say that the climb up to Level 7 is feeling shorter by the day. For now, that suffices to make me feel like I will survive.

it ends tonight

I just got back from a burger outing with my brother and dad. We always have these little outings when one of us is going off to campus. It’s been a superbly great holiday. Probably one of the best ones next to NZ. And it ends tonight. But today has been a great ending to a super long break and a great start to a super hellish semester.

I had been thinking about it for quite some time and I don’t know why. I mean, it came to a point, to this point of cannot tahan anymore. I don’t know why. It was never promoted or recommended to me, I just wanted to have it.

So, when I crave for something, I naturally called up my bingeing partner and she naturally agreed. Thank you, Nadd laling for accompanying me. Great company and great food make a good team indeed.

We talked and talked like we always do and Nadd looked lovely! I mean, really gorgeous! It’s been quite some time since I last saw her so excuse my enthusiasm. And the food was absolutely delicious. I mean, I could have had plain pancakes with maple syrup and I would have been happy enough. But you’ll never guess what I ordered so I’ll post pictures for you to see.

Our before and afters. Paddington’s House of Pancakes = Bliss.

Being the pig that I am, I gobbled everything up because I hadn’t eaten anything solid or substantial yet (unless of course you want to count Twiggies as solid, substantial food(?)). And I enjoyed every.single.bite. Every.Single.Bit. Am I repeating? Did I repeat that? Yes, I am and did because the food is just too good. I mean, no one can make me finish my food like Nadd can, that’s for sure, but the food was seriously good. And they’ve got like this really lengthy menu with pancakes from all over the world; it was hard to choose from to begin with. I wonder why they didn’t insert Malaysia’s lempeng, though… that would have been fun! Huhu. But anyways, I really had fun with Nadd today.

And later on in the evening, I went to OU to meet with my housemates. Then, we headed to The Curve too after OU. I can’t believe how much I miss them. We really are a silly, fun batch of people, really. They had dinner at my place tonight and we were talking and gossiping some more, like always. It was all in good fun.

my bro and I high on sugar

And now, I’m like high on sugar because I took some Milo with my burger. I can’t sleep though I need to get up really early tomorrow. I know I should get used to this (getting up early and everything), but I really don’t want to yet. I haven’t had enough rest! I’m still in holiday mode! But whatever my excuse is, I know it ends tonight and starts tomorrow. So be it. Let’s get this year over and done with, “Honourable” people! Let’s get this done and over with.

Growing Up, Honey...

I’m 22 years old this year and as much as I hate to admit it, I am getting older. I hate the entire package which comes along with being older; the eye bags, the crow’s feet around the eyes, the responsibilities. But like I said, I hate to admit but I am getting older. Not old, just older.

I know being older does not necessarily mean its all work, no play and all responsibilities and no fun at all. After all, even an old girl deserves a break sometimes, right? But then again, the whole thing about growing up is just about all that; a whole load of responsibilities and a whole load of shite.

Probably, I don’t yet have that many responsibilities. I’m not married, I haven’t started a family and I don’t have taxes to pay, but only not yet and I’m bound to some time in my life, right? So, I think we should all start thinking about the future now instead of waiting for it to land at our doorsteps and then only figuring out what to do.

I mean, let’s face it. It’s been years since OU, MidValley and The Curve opened and it’s also been years since I first went roaming aimlessly around the malls looking for everything and nothing in it. The excitement is kind of gone, really, and I don’t really see that much fun in any of them anymore. Please, I’m not even excited about fast food anymore. Not as much as I used to be anyways.

My idea of a good outing is now a plate of meatballs with a good friend while chatting over life, future and pirated CDs and a drive to nowhere with Mr. Abdul while we discuss on how to become better people. Believe it or not, I even enjoy babysitting and visiting places of interest in Malaysia. Boring, huh? Not really if you’re at the same brainwave and have entered into that particular realm or phase in life.

I’ve had loads of fun being an adolescent and also a young adult. Probably, I haven’t seen enough to be able to say, “been there, done that” yet, but I’ve come close to it. And it might just suffice at this point in time. Probably I will continue when the opportunity comes, but enough or not is not really the point in question.

I’m just past that period where I checked out guys in malls because to begin with, I never really was that kind of girl who did that kind of thing. I’ve gone past that period where I went to malls to hang out because I’ve nothing better to do. I’ve just gone past that period, really and I’m not telling you that this is all normal because it’s kind of weird, really, feeling all this.

The mall is now a place where I look for food, birthday presents, a place where I accompany my mom and her fetishes over handbags and of course, a place where I babysit my sister when she’s out with her friends.

With all this growing up, my preferences have just shifted. I can’t help it that it’s no longer what it used to be, but malls don’t give me the same kind of high it used to.

I haven’t gone haywire and grown up entirely. I still go gugu gaga over Wentworth Miller and Jude Law. I still throw tantrums when I feel like my sister is getting preferential treatment. I sulk and whine when my mom goes out and doesn’t bring me along. I still watch Disney Channel. I still love plush toys. I have cravings like waffles and meatballs and I have some crazy impulses which some of them you don’t really need to know.

After all, the child in me is still very much alive.

But I make firmer decisions now. I am sure of what I like and what I don’t like. I have a more stable relationship and I handle it better. I advise my mom on her parenting and give her ideas on her work. I have a little space of my own, which I pay for myself (of course with a little help of allowance given by Dad), but I manage my own finances and never ask for more than that which is given. I’ve been given a car and I fill the tank myself. I work to get extra cash and I’ve also learnt to prioritise.

I don’t know if I’m cut and built for the workplace yet, but I’ll have to be by next year. I’m graduating once end of this year, insya Allah and again end of next year with my Honours and I’m proud that I have grown up well. As much as growing up scares me and is changing my life, really, I am glad that I have grown to become this person that I now am.

I am not really a girl anymore, I must say, though I am not much of a woman yet either. I’m just at that transitional stage where only people whom have been there will ever understand. In fact, even I don't quite get it yet...

NANA = POTTY PROBLEMS

That stands for, Nescafe Addict Non-Anonymous.

For a week during this blissful holiday, I was sick. I am very seldom sick, which makes every sick moment of my life very, very sickening. I guess it accumulates to once a year or two years that when I’m sick, it’s really, really bad.

When I was sick, I couldn’t take solids, naturally and I also couldn’t stand any dairies because if I consumed them, I would be waiting at my toilet bowl for something to come out of either end of my body. And yes, I am aware of how disgusting that sounds, but I really don’t have any other better or subtle way of putting it into words.

Because I couldn’t stand dairies, the only source of caffeine that I got was from thick, no-sugar tea. And trust me, teas should not be classified as caffeine because it does not give me the jolt that I need to start my day, and with no sugar, I might as well eat bitter gourd. But I lived on it for a week or so, so that I would get well.

While I was sick, I realized my dependency on the caffeine we all know by the name of Nescafe. Yes, Nescafe, not Indocafe or Aik Cheong or anything else because the latter make me sicker since it makes me constipate.

So, anyhow, when I didn’t take Nescafe, I felt weak, my joints were aching, my back was especially weak, I couldn’t sit straight, I could barely stand up and at some point, I was sweating like a pig, only my sweat was damn cold (okay so maybe I was the one who was cold, but what the hell). And every time I ate something or more specifically attempted to drink Nescafe, I wasn’t able to hold it down.

Realizing what a terrible effect it had on me, I stopped taking Nescafe altogether even after I was well, and resorted to teas of all kinds and Milo and sometimes Horlicks. Though it did help, it still didn’t give me the desired effect, which is the very necessary jolt to start my day.

So, I sometimes still took my Nescafe, and I think today is the 2nd time in 4 weeks since I was sick that I am drinking it. So, why is it that instead of giving me this JOLT, it is giving me a freaking tummyache?

Am I allergic to it now, or what? The moment I consume it, I purge it. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I can’t quit coffee now. I mean, I’m like THE addict, how the hell am I supposed to quit when the semester’s starting and I need more than just a jolt to start my day. I might probably even need painkillers.

Okay, so now, I’m embarrassed to be telling you of my bowel and potty problems, but since I’ve typed this out anyways and my blog is in dire need of some update, I’ll post this. Sorry if I’ve disgusted anything or anyone. Long live, coffee! Stop giving me problems.

JIKI, i love

It’s not like me to abandon my blog, especially when on a holiday. But don’t blame me, I’ve had such a blast these past few days even an entry seemed unnecessary. It was basically an act on a very, very crazy impulse. But sometimes, even impulsive acts can turn out to be great in the end.

I would love to elaborate, but I honestly don’t know where to start. I had days of bingeing like nobody’s business. I ate everything listed in my "visit list", thank you to my Mr. Saya Sangat Sayang for fulfilling my cravings. You name it; Jiki Kuewteow (damn! I’m salivating as I’m typing.). For those whom have tasted Tasik’s Kuewteow in Shah Alam, or Kafe 13’s Kuewteow, Jiki is far, far better, better! I’m starting to wonder what they put inside because it is kind of addictive, to be very honest. Imagine me, who very seldom finishes her meal, finishing a plateful of kuewteow with egg. Do I still have to further elaborate how scrumptious it is? I had my Baba Laksa, I ate ice cream goreng, I ate grilled burger, I got my chicken cheese naan (menyesal tak habis), I drank air pisang, and we shared a waffle… now, what else have I missed? And I also ate ayam bakar at MFA. Haih.. Why do they have so much good food there?

And now, I am back and I am stuck with the kilos. But guess what? I really don’t care because it was worth it. I basically ate a lot, laughed a lot, went around a lot, drove a lot, slept a lot and also gossiped a lot. I did a lot of things, basically. And now, I’m feeling kind of lost because it’s in the past tense and I wish it didn’t have to end.

I also had the chance of meeting a lot of new people and honestly I really can’t remember most of their names, except for those with the SRC shirts because they had their names embossed on their shirts. And I felt like I belonged. This, I think is the most important of all because I took such a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin. Probably, I’ve found a common ground we can all build a friendship on, and I am absolutely happy for this.

And this Saturday, all my fun ends because everything starts. I’ll be off for a briefing on Saturday morning and after that, WELCOME HELL. Meanwhile, I’m just having fun sleeping and waking up late and of course, putting on weight while trying to lose them at the same time..

Thank you Yumni for letting me stay at your place, and Tracy too, though I didn’t get to chit chat with you much because I was too bummed out that night. Thank you Abdul for the car and the jalan-jalan. Thank you Manto for driving us around. Thank you Andrea for the burger. And thank you to Andrea’s burger-selling team for trusting me with the burgers. I had a blast!

I will be back with more updates. But for now, I’m just going to savour my joy. And I so want to watch Transformers again. Teman saya sesiapa, please?