a life fulfilled, and well-lived.

Too many deaths this year -- of people distant and close, and from all of them, we learned lessons--

-- that the biggest regrets come, not from the fights or misunderstandings, but rather from the robbed opportunity of saying a proper goodbye for one last time; and

-- that "life is fragile" and "life is short" gets even more real now as we grow older -- as we come to understand the fact that death really waits for no one. It really is just a matter of time.

Having seen so many different deaths -- the tragic ones, the sudden ones, the ones they knew were coming -- has cemented my belief all this while that each of us is currently running a race on our own tracks, in our own pace and against our own selves. From the many different final send-offs that I've attended thus far, all I can say is that -- a life fulfilled and well-lived, may mean a million different things for different people. 

There were times when the hospital morgue was flooded with visitors on a Friday morning. 

There were times when the mosque had to hold 3 prayer sessions on a Monday night because there were just too many people wanting to pay their last respects.

There were also times when the Thursday send-off was quiet, simple, uneventful, met with wind and a slight breeze -- yet attended by those who mattered, who cried meaningful tears, who knew the one who passed on a level that only they knew-- 

and really, after all of that, there can be no way to tell if their final send-off says anything about the life that they lived or be indicative of their final resting place in the afterlife. And it really is okay. It really isn't our place to judge. 

Alot of people I know (myself included) often wonder what the end of our lives would be like. 

And with an end goal of wanting to live a life fulfilled and well-lived, I try my best to tailor my days to achieve the end result that I hope and pray for. 

And hope that whenever it is that I shall pass, I would not be alone; or unloved. But rather, be remembered for all the good that I am, and for all the good that I've done. 

mid-year check in

Well, well, well.

One moment I'm dwelling about why social media has played such a central role in our lives, and the next thing I know, is that I blinked, and we're in May! May of 2026! 

We're just about a month short from the middle of the "New Year", and yet everything that happened in January now feels like a distant past.

I had put in place some aims for the first quarter of this year, achieved most of them, and now that we're entering, wait scratch that, now that we're nearing the end of the second quarter, I'm only <---this---> close to carrying out some of the other plans on my plate. Seems like the only thing I need more of is patience. And faith. Lots of faith that all of this will pan out exactly as it was meant to.

If anything, I would say that this year has been... paradoxical. It has pushed me to such great heights -- some distances I never knew I would ever reach, and ironically those heights have given me an insight about "what could also be mine" if only I took just one more step.

I'm left wondering whether I am, in some ways shortchanging myself, or whether deep down I'm feeding a certain greed that shouldn't be entertained. On the one hand I know that I've come to a certain juncture in life, where not many have reached, yet something in me makes me feel like there's a higher mountain I can scale. I don't want to fix something that's clearly not broken, yet the non-action on some days makes me unhappy. 

So, yeah. In a nutshell, paradoxical is the word. 

And on random note, I'll just write the words from a random song that's in my head right now--

"can you take me higher, to a place where blind men see?"

Pretty much sums up everything I've been thinking, don't you think? 

grateful for this little safe space.

We went for Hajj for a total of 28 days, including the days we self-quarantined before reuniting with the kids. During those 28 days, Hajihaji requested only one thing from me -- that I had to refrain from updating my socials over that period of time. This meant no FB, no IG, and no anything else, apart from contact with family and the kids through Whatsapp. 

And all this happened just as I was about to update my IG with the caption "please make prayer for us" with a photo of us when we were in transit in Bangkok. 

The rebel in me wanted to ignore Hajihaji's request. But a huge part of me knew how important it was for him that I focused. Just for that wee bit of time. 

So, I obliged. 

Turns out that that was one of the best things he did for me.

I was laser focused on my ibadah and made so many meaningful connections with some of the loveliest people during that short period of time. And this, for the ambivert of a being that I am -- is huge. 

Upon returning home, I realised that I felt a whole lot more comfortable with people not constantly knowing what I was up to - and though I did occasionally update my IG account, especially during the year that I was away in the UK, I really preferred not to. 

Here's the thing -- after having spent a lot of time away from IG (where I'm most active), I came to the realisation that IG and every other social media platform for the matter, had created an unnatural need for engagement between humans. 

I mean, just think of it -- in the past, we would never expect people to respond immediately, or be in constant contact with each other or be so preoccupied with the assumption that people must know everything about us -- but in this time and age, not only are we presumptuous, we have also turned social media engagement as a measure of one's friendship, popularity and even mistaken lack of engagement as a sign of envy. 

Like, when did it all start to matter this much? 

Since when did the amount of likes and comments signaled one's validity and "right of passage" into the real world? 

The air sometimes feels way too heavy where the engagement is superficial and heightened. 

So, I guess it's no wonder I keep coming back to this safe space of mine. 

ichigo iche

 ... is a Japanese idiom, which roughly translates to "one time, one meeting - an encounter that only happens once in a lifetime", 

which is perhaps the single most important idiom that kept me from taking things for granted, especially in that one year we were in the UK. 

Somehow, having an end date, or rather knowing that your days are numbered really helps in making sure you soak in every single day like it's your last. You tend to celebrate each day that comes and become more attentive and observant - afraid that you would somehow miss something that may never repeat itself. You also hype your achievements, no matter how little, because there is no guarantee for those successes -- no matter how little, to repeat themselves.

But now that we're back home, life repeats itself on the daily and it's difficult to view the world with that same wondrous and positive outlook as I had last year - like I keep wondering, is this something really worth celebrating? 

Like I said in my earlier post, it's been a little over a year since our return. And likewise, it's been a little over a year since I reported back to the office to resume my duties as a Public Officer, which simply means I survived the first year of serving my 3-year bond! And that really is some cause for celebration, but still... deep down, I've long abandoned that celebratory trait in me, which I so cherished in the previous year, because I know for a fact that the life we came back to, came without it.

Be that as it may, I do hope that I would some day find the excitement in ichigo iche again. Or that I come to the realisation that even my every day mundane deserves the same kind of celebration.

one year on

Can you believe it, it's been a little over a year since we hopped on a plane back home?

I can hardly believe how fast time has flown by, and all of the seasons we've had to go through since we returned.

I sometimes wonder where that wondrous, adventure-seeking, mountain-scaling girl went to, and often think about the "demise" of that wonderful season in my life. 

It's not often that we get to experience a season in life where we are blessed with time, money and health all at once, and for that I am eternally grateful that we were given that opportunity. 

But our recent trip back "home" in July, as great as it was, finally brought me some closure. 

I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I said everything that I needed and wanted to say. 

And I finally had the courage to let go of the "could have beens" which plagued my mind just the year before. I came to an absolute realisation that the grass really is greener where we water it. And that we would be happy wherever we were, as long as we were together. 

No doubt we do think about that one year of bliss with fondness, and no doubt we miss that life sometimes because there was nothing not to love - weather and all included. But I am glad that we came home and really settled back in (albeit a year too late). I'm just grateful that we decided very early on during that season, that at least for the foreseeable future, that this life we are now going through was the season who are chosing for now. 

Although, I have to say... 

That one year of bliss has totally ignited an itch in me, which I can't seem to scratch away.

And I find myself manifesting a life beyond this life, because I now know how to find joy in things other than what brought me there in the first place. 

"it is what it is"...

 ... is what my friend recently wrote on IG.

And while at first blush it seems as if my friend had given up on life, she had actually not. 

On the contrary, while she was resigned to the fact that her life is what it is, and that she had made peace with it, she had, in the same breath validated the fact that what she is facing at the moment is hard.

In life, some things are what they are, that's a given. But that doesn't make our challenges any less harder or that we have to simply brush them aside and ignore how they make us feel. This life is not meant to be perfect so it's really okay if it isn't.

But that said, if the imperfection makes us feel down or upset, we need to face that feeling and validate it. 

And to validate it, we need to recognise that we are allowed to have a reaction to how it makes us feel. 

And we need to always remember that, where reactions are concerned, we are in complete control. 

We may not always be able to respond to it rationally, or unemotionally, or in a way that is acceptable (to God knows who) but on the days we can, we should really give ourselves credit and pat ourselves on the back.

This past two weeks, I have been ebbing in and out of accepting that life is what it is. At the same time, I have also allowed myself to be upset about how some parts are making me feel less than great.

And while I am completely aware of how in control I am of my reactions, there are some days when I question if I should (control my reactions). 

On those days, I simply give in to how low the situation has brought me to and go with the flow; I let the dishes sit in the sink overnight, I sleep in for an extra hour, I don't rush anyone or anything although we are running late on school mornings and some days, I even explain to my children about the situation I am going through so that they are aware and somehow understand why I am the way I am, and I assure them that this phase shall pass.

Doing this has allowed me to have a little bit of "mope moment". Doing this has allowed me to somehow feel stronger, and have the energy get out of that warm duvet and be where I need to be and do things that I'm supposed to get done. Doing this has allowed me to validate the fact that life gets hard sometimes (and sometimes beyond my control) but it also allows me to know that after I give myself a breather, I am in total control of the things that follow, if that makes any sense to you at all.

(written on 12th July 2023 - found in my drafts)

(posting it anyway, because it still seems so valid)

context

Assessment period is here! 

And that means it's time for us to write, write and write some more!

Transitioning from a career woman to a student again has been okay for me so far and I guess it's partly due to the "soft landing" I've had in the past 2 years (more on that later in a much longer post, I suppose).

I have always looked forward to becoming a student again. After all, I was (back in my undergraduate days) one of those annoying girls who would sit at the front of the class, vigourously taking notes and asking questions when the rest of the class was ready to leave for lunch. Hehe.

And though in this round of being a student, I am also a wife... and mother and those roles come with challenges of their own, I have come to terms with the fact that there can never really be perfection in any of these roles. Most days, I'm just winging it. 

I'm currently sitting in the library, with a huge window before me, basking in the sun (well, whatever is left there for the day, that is). And in this past week, I have thought alot about how sometimes, people need to be given context -- about me and my life now. 

While it's true that I've become really good at ignoring what other people think of me, and my focus after I turned 35 was basically to keep on going in a direction that my future self would thank me for, there are times when I tell things to people about myself, just to give them a little bit of context. 

My life as it is hasn't always been like this and I wasn't always like this. 

"You're so lucky" is the impression that most people have about me and I admit that to a large extent, I have been blessed in so many ways. But, like I said before, my (our) life wasn't always like this. Our "luckiness" didn't appear overnight and it's existence has a direct correlation with how hard we worked -- on our jobs, our marriage, our children and also our personal development. 

Were there blood and tears? Well, of course there were, there was plenty.

Hence, sometimes, when speaking to people who have not seen me go through it all, I give them a little bit of context -- of the many long years we were in a long-distance marriage, of the 7-year itch which apparently isn't a myth (please don't ever think that you won't ever get bitten by it no matter how strong your marriage is) and of generally how tough some times were (I initially wrote a really long paragraph about this and then deleted it because I can't, to this day, write about it).

I need to give them context because they need to know that sometimes, when it all adds up, it makes sense that we are who we are today and that our lives are the way it is today. If that explains anything at all. 

Of course, it's always easy to think that someone has it easy because they are lucky...

 ...but even if have been blessed in so many ways MasyaAllah, in so many ways, we have also learned to count everything we've been granted with as a blessing. 

So, yes, read that last sentence again.

And we hope that you could now put it all into perspective.

these thoughts won't won't fit on my IG post

This is going to take more than 140 words. 

Because frankly I can't really find the words to describe how I feel.

Because really, it's all feeling so very surreal, even though it's been almost 2 months now since we arrived and settled in.

x

Hello there from the UK. Yes, I am in the UK. In fact, we are all in the UK. We, being the #clingyclan. 

We've had this planned for about 2 years now and some of the days and months leading to today did at some point feel impossible, so much so that we lost hope over so many things, so many times over. Hence, making being here today feel even more surreal. 

Embarking on this journey, we kept many things under covers. We wanted to stay in our lane and didn't want to list help unnecessarily or get advice that were unsolicited. We wanted to try and do things our way, in our own pace, and to only get help from those who we knew wanted to help, genuinely. 

So here's a big shout out to those who helped get us here today! We could never have done it without your unwavering support.

Here for almost 2 months now, and I have come to the realisation that all we need is time. 

We need time to settle in, to adjust and time to get used to even the most basic of things. Moving to a foreign country (albeit at your own volition) is major, and giving yourself time and forgiving yourself for your shortcomings really, really helps. 

From past experience, I have learned not to push myself unnecessarily, and know better to make peace with myself for not figuring things out immediately (or ever, really!) and I have come to terms with the fact that as a normal human being with flaws of my own, some days I am upbeat and fine, but other days... well, other days like today, I am just feeling a tad bit bluer than I normally do. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's okay.

At the beginning of November, I saw a random IG post, which told me to begin November by reflecting on how far I've come this year.

And... wow. What a year it has been! 

To think that it was filled with all the important things; like sitting for IELTS, family members falling gravely sick, us moving homes, kids starting a new year at school and doing really well just before we left, visa applications, us scrambling to find a new home here in the UK, us worrying about how we were going to cope being students while raising our school-going children in a foreign place without family support, us packing 11 bags in anticipation of our move, me traveling on a separate plane than Hajihaji with the kids (and 7 bags!), us unpacking our lives here in our new place and now learning to call this place home, kids going to new schools and now enjoying themselves, and somehow in all of these experiences, despite our differences and inevitable arguments, Hajihaji and I have found renewed strength in each other as partners.

I guess it's no surprise that upon reflection of what 2023 has been (so far), I am feeling a little nostalgic. My playlist is most definitely not helping, and the fact that assessments have been uploaded for our action and my purple brain not allowing me to fall into an abyss of mediocrity (at least where preparation is concerned) is just adding up to my melancholy.

 I know that amongst my aims coming here is to come out from this experience more intellectually enlightened, and frankly, since I'm on scholarship and fully aware that I'm being funded by the hard-earned money of tax-paying Malaysians, I know that it'd be in everyone's interest that I do (really) well.

But... having said that, I know too, that this opportunity only comes once in a blue moon, and perhaps only far and few in between, and so I must learn to let my hair down... and plan for some of the fun things too.

But of course, only after I complete my assessment outline (I know right, boooooo!) But I'm really only doing this because I need to plan my life ahead so that I can really enjoy my holidays, instead of working on my assessments then! 

And with that, I shall get back to my assessments.

Despite the melancholy mood in which the post was written, I really, am truly grateful that we are here, experiencing all that we are experiencing, as a unit-- together. 

I need to always look back to this year... and think about those times when I had once wished for all that I now have. MasyaAllah, we must be thankful, always, for all the blessings we've been granted with.

With that, here's to 2023, and to all our future adventures ahead!

We're totally feeling September

"But I can see us lost in a memory

August slipped away into a moment of time..."

-Taylor Swift

Today is the first day of September and after all that we've been through, and despite all the uncertainties ahead, I am totally feeling September.

So many things have happened this year, and so many times, I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on this journey, but didn't. And although no one really knows where this road will lead, I am glad that I didn't give up on this dream. 

September is really, really here!

We're down to tying up the loose ends, and getting mentally ready for what lies ahead. 

I've got to be honest that switching from one mode to another totally different one is quite a tall order, but having something totally different (and totally outside my comfort zone) to look forward in the near future to is making my counting days alot more exciting than I thought it would be. 

So, I'm nervous, I'm excited and at times scared, even. 

But I'm totally feeling September, especially now that September is here! 

Wish us luck, we're going to need all that we can get!

Taking #traveloghajikarimahanisa Here

Zulkaedah is here! And Hajj season is back again. It really warms my heart to see the first of our jemaah safely landed and happy in Madinah because it totally brings me back to our experience there, which was just exceptionally amazing! 

Since my last post, I haven't really updated on anything with regards to our Hajj, not even on IG, where I started #traveloghajikarimhanisa. Because somehow, each time I finished a story on our travelog, both of us would get really emotional and we would inevitably land ourselves into a silly nonsensical argument! I guess we just miss Hajj alot and any recount of our memories just hits our core in ways we cannot really explain. That, plus, it took me 6 whole months to not cry each time I recount my memories of Hajj.

But then, like I said, Zulkaedah is here again! And Masha Allah, more than a dozen people, who we know personally, will be performing their Hajj this year Alhamdulillah! 

And ironically, instead of us visiting them, most of them have been visiting us, asking us of our experience, although we are far from being experts on Hajj.   

Well, anyway, due to my excitement, I digress. 

I began this post with the intention of sharing as much as I possibly can to finish off the details of our #traveloghajikarimhanisa because there have been so many requests on IG to do so, which I feel the need to oblige. 

So, here goes. 

***

When I called my mom on that Friday morning on the 1st July 2022, I heard a grim silence on her end as I broke the news to her that we were going for our Hajj the following Monday (4th of July 2022). Knowing how worried she was, I told her to trust me because I would always make informed decisions, even more so for something as huge as Hajj. My mom didn't try to stop me because she knew that when I had decided something for myself, there really would be no point in trying to change my mind.

That grim silence was then broken by a very important question, 

"SO, WHEN DO I GET THE KIDS?"

Hahahahahaha. 

Thing is, although my parents really had no idea what we were up to, I think my mom had ALWAYS KNOWN that we would be going for our Hajj in 1443H.  

Around this time last year, as Syawal came to a close, she was the one who kept tabs on Tabung Haji quota and updated me on all things Hajj-related. 

In fact, when KT01 took off last year, she said, 

"Ma betul-betul ingat you pergi Haji tahun ni.".

Once, we left the kids with my parents one afternoon and snuck out to meet Wafi to pay our deposit, and at the time, I knew she could sniff that we were up to something. She wouldn't stop asking us about what we were up to, but at the same time, it seemed like she could feel it was about Hajj. 

It's not that we kept our intentions and desire to perform Hajj a secret from both our parents. In fact, we were always asking them to pray for us. 

It's just that, we all know that any mention of a Hajj visa coming from other than Tabung Haji will always be met with opposition, suspicion and a lot of questions, which we weren't sure we were ready to fend off at the time without us offending or hurting or worrying anyone unnecessarily. 

 Of course, we knew that their worries were not unfounded -- what with news and first-hand encounters by their friends who went for Hajj using Visa Haji Furada. We knew and understood that very well, but at the same time, all we knew is that we wanted to go for our Hajj. And it didn't really matter to us whether it was with Tabung Haji, or not, as long as we got to go. 

***

Among the reasons why we decided to go down this road (perform Hajj with Visa Haji Mujalamah (which is different from Furada but later on that matter)), is because our turn for Hajj with Tabung Haji is just too far away. Even if I lived long enough, I would be 87 then. Like I mentioned previously on IG at the beginning of #traveloghajikarimhanisa, we had been filing appeals ever since 2017, even before the existence of THijari. We basically just wanted to go. And last year, we knew we were ready to go. 

If any of you are riding down the same path as us, where you feel like and know with all your heart that it's time, and have done everything within your control to get a Hajj visa through less risky means such as through appeals to Tabung Haji to no avail, know that there are other options such as Visa Haji Mujamalah/Furada which you can consider. If you go with the right travel agency, Visa Haji Mujamalah is a legitimate piece of travel document, which will allow you to perform Hajj during that particular year legally.

Just make sure you make informed decisions about your choices so as to avoid disappointment and of course, to avoid being tricked or scammed due to your desperation. 

This year, we can assume that all the Malaysian Tabung Haji quota has been spent. 

But Visa Haji from other sources (Mujamalah/Furada) are most probably still available.

  

3 January 2023

3/365.

Has it really been that long since I last updated this space? 

Yes, it has. 

Truth is, there are so many unpublished posts in my tray, but I somehow never found the motivation or need to post them. And it's not that I'm silent just in this space here, I can't be found updating much anywhere else either. 

Over the years, I've  discovered that keeping most of my life under covers has helped me stay in my lane. That, plus the fact that people generally ruin beautiful things-- which I definitely could do without. 

But here I am today, simply because it is a nice date. And simply because I wanted to note what a wonderfully fulfilling year 2022 was. 

The biggest highlight of 2022 was that on 4th of July 2022, my husband and I both left for Hajj, Alhamdulillah. 

So technically, this is the 6th month anniversary since. 

Even if it has been 6 months since, I don't think I ever got over missing the whole Hajj experience. I once read a friend's description about seeing the Kaabah for the first time-- and she said that the feeling is not something that can be explained, only experienced. 

And I thought, that that was the most apt description of what I've been feeling about my whole Hajj experience. 

It truly was an exceptionally life-changing time like no other. 

I plan to pen down my experiences in this blog (if time permits) because it was through others' blogs that I learned so many things leading to my Hajj. That, plus I'd like to be able to look back and think of all the wonderful times we had while hoping that others would be able to benefit from them too.

But for now, I think this photo would suffice for now. Rindu. Always.

Mabit in Mudzalifah. 
 

blessings for the introverted soul and a little about loving yourself.

I see alot of people doing their own version of #lockdownchallenge and it's rather entertaining to see how people are trying their best to cope and make things interesting in these trying times. And though I haven't joined in any of these challenges myself, I too cope with being cooped up in my own way. 

By nature, I am (mostly) an introvert, so spending too much time with others (even family) drains my energy. I used to be ashamed to admit this, but now that I've really come to terms with this fact, I'm happy that I've identified one of the main reasons why I always need to retract and recharge and take a breather from things. 

 Be that as it may, my introverted nature has caused me to be extremely reluctant to join in talks or events or greet and meets because I simply don't know what to say and do on such occasions. Small talk really isn't my ball game HAHA, I'm really awkward around people I don't know and even if I go with someone I know, being in these events physically causes me a fair bit of discomfort. Plus, my main aim in joining events or classes is predominantly because I want to learn something new and so mingling and making connections is just... well... an ancillary consequence that I anticipate but don't really care for. Hence, with all of this in mind... I never joined any of the talks I was interested in...

until recently... my other half asked me if I'd like to attend an online talk and the speaker was none other than Mizi Wahid! 

I have all 3 of his books, finished reading 2/3 (stopped mid-way You Are Loved because I started on Secrets of Divine Love and I got hooked hehe), and I have re-read The Art of Letting God again and again. So, anyway, I was just trying to prove my point that I am an avid fan of his works --

OF COURSE I SAID YES WHEN MY HUSBAND ASKED!

And so, we sat there, listening to his one hour talk (+Q&A) and I'm happy to report that I'm such a happy clam! Not only was I able to attend my first talk ever, I was able to achieve the exact thing that I want, which is... more knowledge! Aaaa, days like this are such blessings for an introverted soul such as myself!

...

One of the questions, which was asked during that session is one that I myself have been really interested about, which is --

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-LOVE AND SELFISHNESS.

Where do we draw the line?

Some time in 2018, when I was going through a period of intense personal growth, I actually asked one of colleagues (whom I truly love and respect) -- of whether I should "simply be myself because God made me this way" OR if I needed to change myself so that others are pleased with me.

And her answer then was so simple -- 

"Allah made us all with our own set of characteristics, quirks, weaknesses. But those are only tests for us because no way Allah did Allah mean for us to be of  harm to others. So, if our characteristics, quirks and weaknesses cause harm to others, then, that is the indication that we need to change our ways -- not so they are pleased with us, but so that we stop being a harm to them.".

And that answer has stuck with me since then... and it has made me change some of my ways -- those which I felt were harming others and also those which I felt were self-destructive.

Turns out, Mizi Wahid in his book "You Are Loved" also said --

"Loving yourself does not mean that it gives you the license to push for the right to be accepted even when you display rude, selfish, and obnoxious behaviour.

I had to write about his briefly, as I am seeing more and more such behaviour being displayed, most apparently on social media. I have noticed that in the quest of trying to encourage more voices to be open and heard, and for individuals to be unapologetic for who they are, some have misunderstood the whole point and believe that they no longer have to be nice and courteous to people anymore. And that is just not right."

With that, let us all remember that we were placed on this earth for a purpose and that purpose is never to harm others, or ourselves.

Here's to hoping that today has been a good one, and that it will continue to be great :)

you're simply the best

I had quite a productive morning today and now that my batteries are running a little bit low, I decided that I deserve a break.

I'm thinking of whether or not I should get some coffee, but considering that it might only arrive in 30 minutes at least, I'm contemplating against it. But then again, you know how sometimes you can just taste that something something that you've been craving for as if it's already there in your mouth? Yeah... that's what I'm experiencing right now, so I might as well just get it?

I don't know.

I've lost count of how many weeks it has been -- both the MCO and the number of weeks since my transfer to this new Division (if you hadn't already figured out what I was yapping about in my crazy cryptic 8 Weeks In Post). But due to my productive morning, I have been able to console and convince myself that I am not as much of as a loser as I initially thought I was and that for now, I'm doing my best. 

And sometimes, that's all there is to it.

But what is considered "doing my best?"

Of late, I've had to come face to face with the fact that "my best" may not be up to mark with another person's definition of "the best". Likewise, I may not appreciate someone else's "best efforts" as "the best". And trying to accept the difference in standard requires so much effort. In fact, it sometimes requires too much effort.

I've also noticed that sometimes, when I give "my best", people take me for a ride because they somehow know that I will get things done, even when I didn't have to, even when I say that I don't want to -- simply because I always do. And while I know that somehow or rather, in one way or another, this will work in my favour, I can't help but wonder if that is the reason why I always burn out so fast at work. Like I said in my previous post, I once weathered the challenges at another department in Menara Usahawan despite loathing the subject matter then and look at the great places that that took me! 

But still, I wish I knew how to slow down while at the same time, I wish that I had more tolerance towards the difference in standard of what "the best" should be. Until then, let's just end today on that note because I really didn't mean for this post to be so serious anyway.

things I need to be okay with.

On all the social media platforms in which I have an account, I see too much of everything -- too much negativity, too much positivity, too much hatred, too much love. Just way too much of everything that I don't really want to know --

-- which makes me (unnecessarily) annoyed, especially knowing that the authors of the negative, positive, hate and love posts didn't direct any of their posts towards me.

I know for a fact that it's just me, that I am the problem... that I was the one who had had enough of negativity, positivity,  hatred and love and I need to get away from it all. I was becoming the "evil eye".

Which is why I am here. This is my safe space. 

The relevance of this space may be questionable to the rest of the universe, but for me this space is bliss. I am allowed to show my true colours and upload totally un-Instagrammable content because who's looking this way anyway? Hahaha. 

Well, anyway, now that that is out of my system, I feel so much better. 

Because truth to be told, like I already mentioned earlier last year when the MCO was first implemented, this pandemic will come with its own set of losses. There is absolutely no winning against it -- because whichever way you go, something or someone is bound to lose. What's worse is that this particular cycle/strain/variant brings about with it loss of money and loss of lives. In fact, I personally know of a few people who have lost their loved ones due to the pandemic and I can only start to imagine what that might feel like. 

And while I have (Alhamdulillah) not lost anything too precious that I may never recover from, there are things which I too struggle daily with.

After all, I am only human. And there are time when I feel like way too much positivity kills. Like just because I struggle differently, I don't deserve to struggle? What kind of judgmental world do we live in, really? Yet in the same breath, I simply cannot stand too much of the negativity or self-loathe by others that I see on the daily, which is totally and completely judgmental of me.

To put it simply, I am for want of better word, conflicted. So, so conflicted. 

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

I feel like I'm losing my centre from having to juggle working from home with the kids' online classes and having to plan daily meals on a never-ending basis because on top of living with a super clingy clan, I happen to live with a really hungry one too *insert monologue telling myself to be grateful for family, food and all things good*. 

And while in actuality, for the most part, I am undoubtedly grateful for all that I have, there are just some days when I am... off.

Do you feel me?

Do you understand that this in no way means that I am ungrateful... or that I have all this while been unempathetic towards those who have less than what I have or that I a whiny little **toot**, but it just means that I have my days?

***

And to be honest, I have had the draft above for days now, but somehow, despite feeling like this platform is the safest, I still didn't find the courage to post it -- out of fear that I may seem ungrateful despite seeming to have it all. 

Until I came across this today, and I know that it's okay. That I am okay and I need to first and foremost, be okay with the things which can be equally true.

Eight Weeks In

I constantly remind myself that it is okay, that I will be okay , that it has ONLY been 8 weeks. I have ONLY been here, for 8 weeks -- hence, I need to give myself a break.

I need to learn to forgive my own shortcomings -- for not having the "right" sources and resources (for now at least) because my 8 weeks here can never match my 13 years of sources and resources in my previous work place because it has after all, only been ... you guessed it -- 8 WEEKS.

I also need to remind myself that these feelings that I have aren't peculiar to this situation alone -- that I have, some 8 years ago felt the same way after my transfer to some other new department at Menara Usahawan after having spent 5 years at the Headquarters back then. At the time, I was so "homesick" I even detested the automated flushing system in the restrooms and hated the fact that they didn't provide us with plastic label tags -- like seriously, the littlest things got to me, you have no idea. And this annoyance was so unwarranted because it's not that I was in love with Headquarters or anything of the sort.  

Nonetheless, I didn't give up on myself then -- even when I knew that certain people (the boss back then, no less!) had preconceived ideas about the kind of person that I was -- and had doubts of my ability to work under the circumstances that Menara Usahawan was in at the time. I didn't care and soldiered on. I didn't know anything other than giving my best -- and that's exactly what I did. I gave it my best shot. And believe you me, it totally worked in my favour.  

It not only worked in my favour  in my quest of gaining my Department's trust, I eventually came to love the subject matter I HATED the most prior to me moving to Menara Usahawan. It was a subject matter I had been avoiding for all of my short career back then and my goodness it was so hard to learn but now that I know it, I think it's really hard not to love.  

Which is probably why leaving it all behind is hitting me hard... because when my transfer order came out 8 weeks ago, exhausted and jaded as I was with everything going on, I already had the year planned. Sure, I welcomed the change because it was due... it has, after all been 5 (really long) years! But having left that life behind for 8 weeks now... I can't help but miss it.  

What makes things worst is that MCO is now implemented and we have limited face to face interactions... and so, creating connections over texts and Google Meets just isn't the same, which makes the challenge of acquiring trust become just so much more harder than it should be! 

I'm working so hard to kill the demons inside my head. I tell myself that it is okay. That Allah is giving me a chance to work on myself -- because it is ONLY through an empty vessel that I will start learning new things again. And right now, that's exactly what I am right now -- an empty vessel. An empty vessel that can unlearn all that she had learned before, so that she can relearn all the new things there is to learn.

living with YOU

My thoughts as I drove to work today - is on how I am to adapt to living with this pandemic. Because clearly, it looks like it's here to stay.

I'll be honest that at this point, I have given up on all my 2020 plans. 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that my 2020 did not turn out the way I thought it would be. And that it never will.

Although I didn't exactly have any grand plans for my kids and our family, I now have to settle with the fact that we can't even spend our day-to-day as we knew it. Up until January til the end of February (when the gravity of this pandemic hadn't yet set in), we had gotten into a comfortable rhythm -- we were able to balance between work, kids' after school classes, weekend activities, family visits and everything else in between. 

Then, March came, and totally turned our lives upside down. Though I must say that there are many upsides to being in total lockdown (at least for our family), there have also been moments when our patience and sanity were tested -- especially work-wise, for me --

and those moments have made me realise (even more so) that the challenges I am facing is akin to a huge (HUGE) boulder, which is impossible to push. 

And with that, I (no, wait, actually WE as partners and parents) have learned to manage our expectations better.

...

The above is something that I wrote on 20th October 2020, when PKPB was implemented AGAIN after so many months of some sort of normalcy, and then today 30 days into 2021, I can't believe that not much has changed since.

To be honest, when PKP 2.0 was announced, I was flabbergasted. I simply could not bear the thought of having to go through the entire process of total lockdown again -- ONCE was enough for me... and that is HUGE coming from ME, considering how much of a homebody I am.

I guess the thought of having to manage wayyy too much on my plate really just got to me. I had gone through it before in 2020, where I needed to juggle between work, and kids online classes and keeping my sanity intact... and it really just took a toll on me in a way I never imagined it could. This is me we're talking about -- I've always prided in the fact that I have high pain  thresholds, high patience levels and I could take anything life threw my way, but the many types of movement control orders implemented (and the effects of it that followed) simply just changed me and I am not proud of what I am becoming. 

I used to tell people that we should not let life harden us -- and yet, as life with COVID-19 turned out that way it did, I found out that it was becoming increasingly difficult to follow my own advice -- I had let life harden me, as I hardened my resolve to just keep swimming. 

I may be one of the luckier ones (at least where my pay and livelihood are not so much affected), but I've got to say, that "life with COVID-19" as I know it, has somewhat turned my life upside down and tested me in ways I never thought it would. As I constantly find the best ways to battle with the demons inside my head, I do hope that me and all of you, however you are affected, will come out of this challenge unscathed. 

Until then, may we find the strength in our hearts to take each difficult step in our path, and to place our utmost trust in the Most Loving, Most Merciful -- that He will not put us a situation too difficult for us to bear. 

tell me, will you stay. or will you run away?

This MCO has brought out the best, and worst in all of us.

It has shown us true colours - that of others', and of our own.

It has seen some being frustrated by unmet expectations; some of which were unrealistic to begin with.

It has also seen those unable to meet those (unrealistic) expectations beat themselves up for their failure to live up.

This is a hard time for alot of us, even for some of us (like me) who have found a rhythm they can live with.

Because this MCO has seen some of us being asked to fend for ourselves - for us to think of the best way forward - for us to choose, between important things in our lives, some of which were never on the same pedestal of importance to begin with.

How does one prioritise? How does one choose? How does one drop one thing, and hold on to another, when business is expected to be run as usual, although the circumstances are a far cry from the usual.

Everything seems unusual. And I don't think we'll come out of this the same.

welcome, Ramadan

I make a point to not lose count of how many days we've been at home under the MCO... so, yes, hello there #day38.

What makes #day38 so special is that it also happens to be #day1 of Ramadan, my most favourite time of the year! 

Now that the kids are a little older, and #no1 has started fasting (since 2 years back), I find that Ramadan carries with it a whole new vibe, and it has of course, become alot more meaningful. Days are spent thinking of how to inculcate #no1's understanding of this Holy month, and hopefully as much love for it, as I have. And of course, with my #no1 being ever so helpful with coming up with the daily menu, I now find more reason and joy to cook, to prepare his requests, just to see that beaming million dollar smile on his face.

Alhamdulillah, we are again given the opportunity to meet Ramadan, albeit differently (than what we're used to). While some are used to congregating in mosques, having communal breaking of fasts and shopping at Ramadan Bazaars, making this Ramadan unlike any Ramadan they imagined of -

some... like us, are more than happy to be spending it at home, with our own nucleus family. 

I have nothing against communal events, but I don't really enjoy them mainly because that's just who I am by nature. So, I actually welcome this whole "spending time at home with your loved ones" idea that our PM has been trying to promote, especially during this time of year.

Though I haven't really been grieving about the implementation of the MCO, I think I really have reached that 5th stage of grief, i.e. "acceptance" just like the rest of the Malaysians. My naivete has been taken over by my acceptance that this "catastrophe" is unlike any other -- that it is impossible to eradicate and the numbers alone aren't the only indication of how safe it is out there, and hence, it would be impossible for us to go back to our old ways.

That being said, I have come to the realisation that it would be a while before this MCO will be lifted because the main goal of our country is to save lives... unlike some other countries who have weighed the risks and benefits and have ultimately come to the conclusion that... it is pointless to save lives when the economy is bleeding. Hence, the need to let all economic sectors run as per pre Covid-19 days. 

 But since we're in Malaysia, we have to come to accept that The New Normal is very much real.

And while I know that this phase may not be easy for alot of people, and even a homebody like me would like the option to eat out and shop at a physical store and all of the other simple pleasures in life that we've gotten used to (and probably have more than once in our lives taken for granted), I think that it's best we ride this phase out in compliance with the MCO laws. 

We've got to win this war with the unseen enemy.

And the only weapon we've got right now, is our patience, and faith that these measures that are being taken are really in our best interests. 

Salam Ramadan, everyone.

Please stay safe. 

#day23

It's #day23 of the MCO.

How's everyone doing?

We're doing okay. With erratic bursts of emotions from the kids, and I. And occasionally the dad, I guess that's to be expected. 

The number of #covid19 infections continue to be rather erratic, and judging by how erratic they are, I think that maybe we'll be stuck at home a little while longer than the 14th of April. 

We're actually getting the hang staying at home, to be honest. Plus, I've always been a homebody who'll find an excuse to not go out. So, I can't really say I don't enjoy being home.

But I can't help but wonder about the bigger picture - of the oil prices falling, of the people with day jobs and day wages who were never able make ends meet before; how are they fairing now? Is anyone thinking of taking out to the streets out of desperation? Is someone taking the easy way out by scamming others?

I'm beginning to think that no matter which way we try to fight this, there is bound to be "bloodshed" somewhere. We may win on the one hand, but lose on the other. 

Not very positive-minded, I know. But like I said, I can't really help myself. 

xxx

Well, anyways. Mommies out there feeling like Master Chefs already?

Prior to this period, I've already been cooking/preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner almost daily so... I can't really say that all of this cooking, cleaning, repeat is new for me. I sometimes think that Allah had prepped me for his situation, by continously throwing  curveballs at me, which I've had to overcome, so that this situation would not take me by surprise. Even so, there are some days when I feel totally jaded, and of course, I could (should) work on my patience (with the kids especially) and not raise my voice, especially when it's unnecessary.

Especially during this time when they can't turn to their "safety nets" (i.e. their grandparental units) for extra TLC when Mama turns into Hulk and things gets real ugly. 

Must remind myself that they most definitely aren't the reasons why we're stuck in a lockdown and that no matter how annoyed I get by the sheer amount of times they call my name in a day, it is most definitely better than you not hearing their voices at all (because you know, they may be up to some mischief heheh).

xxx

Speaking of Mommying, I'm missing my mom a tad bit more than usual today.

As I sat outside our home in the wee hours of this morning, watching the beautiful sunrise Allah painted out in the sky for me to see, I wondered of the many times my life has been saved by my mother's prayers.

In fact, just this morning, after I got back in the house after sunrise, I got a phone call telling me that I no longer needed to be present at the meeting that I was supposed to attend later today --

and this came just as I was wondering the wisdom of me having to deal with / attend a meeting which is more than 40 km away from home at a time like this. I mean, I knew from the very beginning that these kinds of sacrifices and risks come with the job and to be very honest, I would really take it up in a heartbeat.

But just this morning - 

I wondered if I would be able to come back safely. 

And I was just about to ask my mom to pray for my safety, especially so that I won't be affected by anyone infected and further (unknowingly) bring back the sickness with me, and infect my loved ones.

And then came the said phone call.

I guess she knew how I felt even without me having to tell her?

Or maybe, this is one of those times that her prayers has saved me from an unknown harm.

Whichever the case may be, let us cherish our parents for all the times their prayers have kept us in the safety of Allah's protection. And may we make du'a for them for all the good that this life and the hereafter may bring.

With that, may today be a better MCO day for all of us.

Day 14 of MCO

Malaysia is currently under partial lockdown, and it's Day 14.

While others are complaining about not going out, and mind you, I'm beginning to feel antsy about this whole thing too, I am first and foremost grateful - grateful that I am home with those who matter most to me. 

Of course, I'd very much like if both our families were nearer, so that we could look out for each other, pass food over the pagar and things like that, but even in this situation, I feel grateful that they are all safe and sound in their own homes, rather than being out there, being exposed to the virus.

The virus is vicious. It is unlike anything that mankind has ever known. It has lead us to lead our lives so differently, which ultimately begs the question of - whether this "changed lifestyle" is the way we should be living our lives, actually?

I don't know, but a huge part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, that's one of the lesson we should learn from this ordeal. 

Though we all know that when this ordeal is over and the world gets back on it's feet - by relearning how to crawl, walk and run again... the world would eventually forget what this ordeal has brought us through and we and the generations to come would get back to our old ways.

After all, old habits die hard.

All seriousness aside, we've had plenty of fun in our home, barring the occasional shouting matches against each other. 

And contrary to popular believe, Public Servants do continue to serve as best as we could during these tough times and I've already been to the office twice during in these 14 days, maintaining a safe distance from everyone and keeping my hands sanitised, always. And other days, I work from home, maybe not as productively as I'd like to  (or rather as I'm used to), but as best as I could do, which I think will have to do for the time being. 

Other than that, we are adjusting well, and we try to keep a positive mindset as much as we possibly can. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's the best that we could do for now.

Alhamdulillah for a smooth 14 days of MCO. Hoping that the next 14 would be without incident, and be the last of it in sha Allah.