what's wrong, my love?

Since I started sending Luqman to school, there isn't a day that I'm not wondering whether or not I'm doing the right thing. 

I know you're probably tired of hearing these stories, but unless and until I get this off my chest, I don't really think I can move on. 

It's almost a month now since I first sent him. Oh wait, it is exactly a month today.

And in this month alone, I have seen my baby grow and bloom wonderfully (but as you are aware, I may be biased), which is great because I'm constantly looking for that positive development. 

Having said that though... I have also noticed some things which I am not used to. 

Like how he stopped calling me Ma for about 3 weeks. It's not that he started calling me something else, he just decided not to address me at all. My guess is that this is just his way of telling me how pissed off he is at me. But then again, I could just be over reacting. 

My son also became a little less affectionate. He used to slobber me with his sloppy kisses. A kiss to him meant that he should put my entire cheek into his mouth and that he should suck it and complete it with his signature "aum" sound.

And those are just some of the major things that I really miss about him. 

I'm not saying that sending my son to school was a bad idea (or was it?) and I'm not at all trying to indicate that his teachers are treating him poorly or that he isn't getting enough attention or that he isn't having fun. In fact, I am ever so grateful to his teachers for being so patient with him crying and resisting them in the mornings and for making exceptions where he is concerned simply because they want him to be comfortable. 

But yes, the love and affection that they are showing is just a different kind of love. 

Everyday, my husband and I would wonder what our son is thinking. Some days, when we're watching him play, we would notice how thin he's gotten and how light he is when we carry him and how he's generally changed, like something in him is lost.

And it really isn't rocket science. Of course he misses his babysitter. 

Due to some circumstances though, we've been meeting his babysitter more in this past week. We haven't been sending him during office hours, no, but we met with her after hours. 

The first time we went, he came back the jovial little Luqman that I know. I remember how relieved I was when he hugged my leg when I was doing the dishes that night and started calling me, "Ma" again. Phewww. His love for hugging also resumed after the first visit and he just generally became reanimated. Of course, that was until he realised that he wasn't going to be sent there for good. 

After the latest visit, I took my baby home, knowing that he was going to have sweet dreams. And believe you me, I caught him smiling in his sleep more than once as he had so much fun! 

I really don't know how to settle this lil' "problem" of ours and I am pretty sure taking him out of school and sending him to another babysitter, who's not his former babysitter wouldn't make a difference to his current condition. Plus, now that he's volunteering to get out of his carseat when we reach school, I'm sure it'll be just a matter of time before I'll have trouble taking him home from school. 

At this point, I'm really just clueless. I really hope I'm doing the right thing. Thank you for reading. 

*sigh*