Apart from the first day, hari ini memang hari paling mencabar nak hantar Luqman ke Taska.
Yesterday, it looked like he was adapting pretty well. In fact, I was about to point out 2 things that are now different about my baby. 2 very good things.
And then, this morning happened.
Pagi tadi, dia bangun sekejap, golek-golek, tengok Mama tak ada, nangis. Tapi mata masih tutup. I came, kissed him puas-puas, gave him his Nena (codename for BMilk) and after he was done, he was wide awake. Luckily semua benda yang perlu diselesaikan dah selesai.
Since he woke up early and the Taska has this policy where they will not bathe the baby if you send the baby after 8 a.m., we decided to bathe Luqman ourselves, put on some nice, warm clothes on him and make sure he wears his socks.
Then, time to go to work.
He picked out his shoes (instead of slippers) to wear. Oookay, I thought. He thinks we're going on a field trip, when we're really going to work.
We got into the car. And stopped in front of the Taska (yes, it's really that close). OHMYGOD belum keluar kereta pun dia dah menangis. Like really menangis. Refused to get out of the car, until I got out of the car. He knew exactly where we were and what was happening. I'm proud he's so aware tapi kalau beginilah gayanya selama sebulan, I think I might be in for an emotional breakdown.
Tak sampai hati bila tengok anak macam itu. Hari-hari.
Like I said before, I don't know whether I'm selfish for putting my convenience into the whole equation, but I trust my instincts and believe that this is (so far at least) the best decision for now, and for all.
Actually, I think there's only one problem with Luqman going to the Taska, which is the fact that he misses his Mak (his previous babysitter). Otherwise, his teachers tell me that normally, a few minutes after I leave, he forgets me, eats his breakfast, joins in all the activities they have for the kids, sleeps well and eats his lunch like all the kids. Having said that, while this seems (in my opinion) like the ideal arrangement, because I have been contemplating the need for more structured learning sessions for him, I think he thinks he's being punished.
Every time I am quiet, he gets scared. Every time I am out of his sight, he cries his eyes out. I think he thinks I'm leaving him there at the Taska because he did something wrong.
I sometimes think I cannot take it anymore, especially when his eyes tercari-cari kawan-kawan di tempat lama. Sudahlah kawan tak jumpa, Mak pun tak ada. Normally, even if I get him to walk from the Taska entrance all the way to his playgroup punya room, depan room tetap ada drama.
This has been going on for 4 days and I already feel like it's been so, so long. And I feel so emotionally drained. In fact, my colleague commented that I look so stressed out.
Talked to my mom this morning and she said she thinks he's actually having fun sebab there hasn't been any S.O.S. calls about him crying non-stop, not wanting to eat or misbehaving. He just misses his Mak and I guess he needs some time to get used to having teachers instead of having a substitute mommy while I'm away at work.
I really hope I made the right decision and that he is actually having fun, not otherwise.
I sometimes wish I knew exactly what he's thinking and feeling, but sadly, I only have my guts to rely on.
Whatever it is, if he's angry at me, I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me.
This was necessary, Baby. I hope one day you'll understand.