am i fat?

I can’t wait! I’m currently downloading Grey’s Anatomy Season 3, episodes 20-25. I really, really can’t wait though I already know a little bit of the ending. But still, I can’t wait!

Speaking of which, I had the nerve to write that down? Because I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about piracy. My mama called me a pirate because I was downloading stuff from the internet. And I told her that I would only be a pirate if I distributed the materials and actually made profit out of it. Plus, I don’t think I’m a pirate where Grey’s Anatomy is concerned, at least, because it’s already aired in the US so by right, if I were in the US, I would have viewed it already. So, what I’m doing now is to view it earlier than everyone else in Malaysia. So, am I still a pirate?

But whatever it is, I really can’t wait. My holidays are coming to the second week, and I guess it’s not that bad, really. I just moved back into my own room in the attic and boy, there is a lot of cleaning up to be done because I was hardly ever home last semester. But anyways, it’s good to be back where I belong again.

I’m halfway through Jemima Jones, and I found it to be quite interesting after all. Only probably because there are some parts which I can really relate to for e.g. Jemima is not anorexic, she’s just obsessed, which is equally unhealthy and equally dangerous.

Can I tell you a secret?

I think I have an eating disorder. Okay, no. I don’t. I just finished a plateful of Swedish meatballs yesterday and I finished absolutely everything on the plate. (Don’t blame me; I was famished to begin with!). Okay, what I have is more of an obsession; something I’ve been obsessed about ever since I was a little kid.

I’ve been watching my weight ever since I was 10. I had to because my mom was just about the most petite person I knew, and the last thing I wanted to look like was to look like her sister, when I’m actually her daughter, or her little fat, wobbly daughter. So I watched my food intake and made mental notes every single day of what I ate.

No, don’t think of the unthinkable. I’ve never ever put a finger in my throat to puke after a meal, nor did I starve myself. I just made sure that my tummy was small, so to speak.

I remember one time, my main meal consisted of biskut marie and milo every single night, resulting in my cheeks bloating, which apparently, is the side effect of eating too many biscuits. I hated it then because I looked fat in pictures due to my cheeks, although I only weighed 43 kg then.

Then, at one point in time, I stopped watching what I ate because, hey, how many times in a lifetime do you get to enter a school which serves 6 meals per day? I took all 6 meals almost every day especially when my days in college were lessening by the minute and I weighed close to 60 at that time. Fat huh?

Then, there was one point in time where I lived on chocolates and plain water alone for an entire week, due to emotional breakdown (I am a pathological eater), and that was the beginning of my weight loss. That was when it started to yoyo from large to medium to small to super small to small again. People still say I’m small, though I don’t really think I am. I mean, I don’t know why I don’t think I am because I do fit into some of the smaller sizes in stores. But still.

The problem with reaching the super small stage is that I’ve become accustomed to being in that size. Even though at that point in time, I was told to put on some flesh because I was beginning to look like a scarecrow, I was so used to being super small that even scarecrow looking was attractive to me. So, the smaller my pants size got, the smaller I became, because I was trying to make sure that those pants only fit loosely on me.

Now who would have thought I had this kind of obsession with my body, huh? I mean, I’m sure many would agree that I look absolutely healthy, thanks to my habit of drinking mineral water and Rx-water everywhere I go and also due to my taking good care of my skin.

But still, my obsession is an unhealthy one, which I must admit. And I am proud I can admit that I have this problem. But how big of a problem is this, really to receive any medical attention at all?

Now, how did I go from piracy to eating disorders?

But still. Do you think I'm fat?

BUGGER

I can’t get my mind around it. I think I shouldn’t have started thinking about it because now I am acting all weird and also silly. I don’t mind. I’ve never minded before. Or did I not bother to mind? But still. Don’t I deserve to know some things before some people ask me things I have no answers to? Please don’t start telling me that I care too much about what other people think. I don’t, seriously. Suddenly, I feel weird that I mind so much. I just want to know so that I know I deserve to know. Like, hello? A little respect for me would be absolutely fine with me. It would do me wonders, even. Is it okay for me to be so bloody pissed off? And is it my fault now that I am acting all weird and silly?

And just a thought; but do they really change their stripes?

Don’t bother understanding the girl who dislikes her holidays. I seriously need to get out of the house. And I seriously need to stop checking Friendster. Home wrecker.

I have the urge to splurge.

My new wish list; here goes:

1) Something similar to the 3-tier necklace I saw at Diva. I heard they have loads in Sg. Wang.
2) Some big, chunky bangles in bright, vibrant colours.
3) New jeans because I keep on wearing the same ones.
4) Clothes for Honours, but not until the results are out. I might just jinx it. I don’t plan on it. Not yet.
5) A handbag. I mean, lots of handbags, in lots of different colours. Big ones.
6) … I’ll find something else to add to the list…

my own tuft

I don’t know why I like to do this. I type something out after giving it much thought and then I decide not to post it. I think many people can make a living out of my unpublished blogs if they were to find my laptop lying around somewhere. I guess the next time I have something in mind; I shouldn’t talk about it in the midst of writing. Because after all that talking, I don’t feel like the matter is an issue anymore. So, you who always seem to catch me when I’m feeling a certain something and who always manages to siphon it out of me, stop siphoning things out of me. Thank you.

I had lunch with the girls yesterday. And we all had room for brownies so we headed for Ms. Read Delicious café. And the brownies are superb, obviously. We were stuffing our faces with all that food until we really couldn’t get up. Hehe. Just a little outing for Bats’ birthday and also before Nadira goes off.

I was alone at home last night with only Mama. I ended up sleeping with her. Currently reading Jemima J. by Jane Green. It’s an okay story I guess. There aren’t really too many good books around lately. Not any that I can find or think of though. And I’m not really in the mood to read after all. I guess the exams have made me hate having to read. Which is a bad thing by the way. Very bad thing indeed.

Alright, a little hint of my not posted entry; my network of friends are just about everywhere. I have friends from school, from Uni and also from work. I see a lot of people still very much in contact with their school friends, my mother included, and that is only the most natural thing to do I guess, because after all, we all did grow up together.

We had a song, and we still do have a song. It’s a matter of singing it or not that makes the difference. I don’t sing to it that much anymore truthfully. I hum to it sometimes, but I don’t really sing it. I have had some bad experiences with these people. But to call those years the worst years of my life would be an overstatement since my sweetest memories also come from those years we spent together.

So why do I still feel somewhat awkward and jittery around some of them sometimes? As if I had to act in a certain way which is expected out of me when I’m around them? Or am I just putting this on myself? Because I certainly don’t think I am any longer that rigid uncompromising person who knows nothing other than black and white and never the in between. Do I look like that person who does not know how to have fun? Or am I unnecessarily boggled down with these insecurities when I certainly don’t need to be?

I don’t know. Probably it’s because I’ve just lost trust in some people. To me, trust is the underlying element for every relationship be it a gf-bf relationship or just between friends. Because once I lose trust in someone or something, that would be the end of me being myself around them. After all, why should I act so much like myself when there is always a probability that they might use it against me, correct?

Probably, just probably, I’ve found my own tuft. Probably those yesteryears were just a stepping stone; a start to this beginning that I’ve just found. And the present could also be a mere second stepping stone. But I’m glad it’s better than the past.

I just hope that I don’t lose the only handful that I am actually in contact with. I don’t know. Holidays make me melancholy. They make me write. Thank you very much.

Check out this new link on the top of the left bar just above my profile picture. Pictures, pictures and more pictures.

seriously?

This inactivity in my brain is making me numb, and it’s making me dumb as well, no doubt. I cannot deny how happy I am being able to wake up late, and how grateful I am that I am able to laze around on my bed without having to feel guilty or scared that I have exams, tests or datelines around the corner. But that doesn’t change the fact that I do not like this passive lifestyle that I am currently leading.

I did go to work for 2 days, though, and I had a lot of fun though it was a little bit tiring and not to mention scary at first. But that has been all that I have been doing for the last few days, which is not at all great.

I finished watching the remainder of Grey’s Anatomy which I had to leave temporarily while I did my exams, and I am currently downloading more from the internet. Other than that, I am doing nothing at all.

I want to work. But I don’t know if I should because I do actually want a holiday, but I don’t want it all the same. Because I know that once I get into holiday mode, I’ll find it really tough to get myself tuned in with the hectic life once again.

I’ve had a lot of time to do thinking too. I’ve been looking at photos, both old and new, and I’m thinking; “what was I and what have I become?” I have come a long way from where I started, but am I any different?

Do I still pass off as that straightjacket person, who knows nothing about fun? Do I still pass off as that nerd who cannot make and take stupid jokes? Do I pass off as a sensible person who is unperturbed by squabbles and tiny petty problems in her life? Do I still pass off as that person?

Because sometimes, I feel like I still do. And though it is not all the time a bad thing, I’m starting to think that I am becoming more and more unmemorable. Because it does seem like people are lost for words when they’re describing me. And it could be that they’re just plain scared of me, but it could also mean that there is simply nothing to say about me because there is seriously nothing to say about me.

I don’t know what else to write actually. I seriously don’t know.

boredom

officially bored. so here I thought I should make myself useful by trying out something new. Apart from that, I am honestly f*cking pissed. I feel a bit down. I feel like I'm not worth it.

Hah. That's better. I can do this. HTML is not so bad after all. Hehe.

contradictions

old post, but what the hell

Five subjects and you’d think I’m elated. I WAS elated, I will admit, because throughout the entirety of my varsity years, I’ve had nothing less than seven. But alas, five subjects proved to feel more like ten, because there is nothing interesting about Assoc. II, nor is there anything interesting about PIL, when both are examinable subjects, simply because; there are just way, way too many things to remember.

But let bygones be bygones because I can’t turn back time and make any of it better, as I have done every paper to the best of my capabilities. No regrets.

Five subjects done, and exams are over, and you’d think I’m relieved. And again, I must admit that I thought I would be too. So, why on earth do I feel like this? Why on earth do I feel like I am about to breakdown and die of boredom? To start off with, the end of the exams was not at all memorable; nothing like I envisaged, definitely, because instead of us all staying back and taking pictures and saying goodbye, we all went back, dispersed into separate directions, all heading towards the one thing in our heads; our beds. We were just plain exhausted, that I know.

And I thought I’d be really elated that I am now free, for one and a half months at least before I enter a new hell, but I’m not. I have this crazy impulse to spend all that I’ve meticulously saved, but I know I can’t because I have bills to pay. And the worst part is that I don’t at all sound like a person who has finished her exams should sound. I am just not in a mood for a holiday, maybe.

So, am I plain crazy, or am I just an ungrateful brat? Or is everyone else feeling this way too? Because I can’t get my head around the fact that I will be so full of nothing but fat this holiday. Bye bye people while I try to get into holiday mode. If only it were as easy as turning on and off a switch.

3 to go

I came back home today to get my baby. It was left at the workshop for about a week or so because the clutch plate had slipped. But it is okay now and I’ll be heading for Shah Alam soon. 2 first papers gone already; the first was superb, and the second, I am just about as speechless as any other person who sat for the paper today. So, let’s not talk about it at all, since it will give me unnecessary stress, especially when I have 3 more to go.

3 more to go and I’m graduating. So long has it been since I thought of Torts as a really tough subject, and here I am dealing with Association II, and then next thing I know, I’ll be pursuing my Honours (insya Allah), and then, I’ll be working. Work life. I wonder what it would be like. I just saw my working cousin today and he looked really stressed out. Like really, really stressed out. He’s got deadlines to meet, and tenders and clients to think of. Does that suck more than now or what?

Know what? I honestly don’t know. I don’t even know why on earth I’m writing an entry, when I don’t even know the point. So I’ll just stop and take a short nap before I head back to Shah Alam.

malaysia boleh?

It’s that time of year again. Or more like time of the semester. I think I’ve repeated this for the past… let’s see... the past 5 semesters, since I started a blog. I’m eating like nobody’s business, and I can’t even be bothered if I piled on the kilos. Okay, wait, I’m lying. I do mind, and I will become obsessively obsessive with my weight. These are just tips of the iceberg, of what goes on with me during exams.

Next. I get panic attacks. Especially when it’s nearing the exams, and people ask me questions that I’m supposed to know how to answer, but for some unfathomable reason, cannot at that point in time, when asked.

Then, I throw tantrums; both the silent and not so silent ones. I get all moody, and for that, I’m thankful that I moved out, because these past 3 weeks or so have been absolutely great, as one of the sources of my anger, so to speak, is eliminated.

And last, but not least. I blog. I write crap even if I don’t post it, because it helps. And today, I want to talk about Malaysia Boleh.

I just saw the news. Some dudes are going to jump off choppers on parachutes at the North Pole. Very commendable indeed, because all are done in the spirit of the nation. Malaysia Boleh! I know some people from the Faculty and some others who are on an expedition to Everest. Very commendable thing to do too. After all, Malaysia Boleh!

But tell me why we do all these things? Tell me why we try to climb the tallest mountains? Tell me why we jump at the North Pole? Tell me why we try to cook the biggest feast? Tell me why we bake the longest cake or attempt to do all ‘longest’, ‘strongest’, ‘farthest’, and all else with the ‘est’ at the back, when what goes on in our heads do not change. At all. Period.

We’ve heard every now and then, that we are a country with first class facilities but with 3rd class citizens. Now, does that serve as an embarrassment to you, or does it not? Studies have shown that we are one of the rudest countries in the world. Does that not embarrass you yet? We’re known for hiding, denying and trying to cut out the truth, when the absolute truth is not how we or they are painting it.

Take for example the studies done by UKM, which was published sometime in March, stating that out of 800 over students, only one is a virgin, and the rest had already encountered some kind of sexual experience of some sort. I believed the study, trust me, I did. It’s not surprising, with all this globalisation and borderless world, where the internet is at our disposal, and where the media basically tells you everything and nothing at the same time.

I believed it not because I don’t mind it. I am worried. I am worried for my future, and for my children’s and their children’s future. I am worried for what they might become. I don’t have to go that far, even. I have a teenage sister, and I’m worried about her. And because I am worried, I choose to believe in it so that I can take extra precautions. So that I can keep an eye on her and remind her and pull her back if I see that she’s slipping away.

But no. a few weeks later, a press statement came out stating that the studies aren’t true. So, maybe they aren’t. They might not be. But so what if they are? “air tak berkocak kalau tak dibaling batu” What are these people trying to hide? There’s nothing to hide. We’re all liberated now and we are certainly not stupid to be fooled into thinking that there is no problem when it’s crystal clear that there exist such a problem.

I start to see why a lot of issues in this country become the “flavour of the week”. And it’s because we don’t care enough to look into the matter deeply enough. And it’s because we can’t be bothered to follow up on the solutions we come up with to solve problems. We don’t look far enough to see the repercussions of our actions, and all that, because we have become complacently comfortable with what we already have.

Probably we’ve never thought of the possibility that all this peace might not last. We’ve probably never even thought of the possibility that our resources are going to run out soon, and that we might be left with nothing to live on.

Probably, it takes a war, or famine or some disaster to make us open our eyes. Probably then, when it’s too late, we’ll start thinking of what we, as Malaysians could have done better to save our nation. By then, it would be too late to think of Malaysia Boleh!

take a look at my guy friend

I have guys friends, contrary to the popular believe that I don’t. But I have to admit, I lack them in numbers. But I always, always thought I won in terms of quality, because my guy friends treat me like queens, like sisters, and sometimes even like their girlfriends. The best part is, they treat me like a buddy. So there is no ego involved, no hard feelings; only frankness, bluntness, and a lot of fun. No strings attached.

The problem with no strings attached, and being so buddy, buddy, is that they tend to forget. They tend to forget that I too, not as an overly emotional girl, or a friend but merely as a human being, have feelings. Thus, I hate to be forgotten, I hate to be rejected, and I hate to be taken advantaged of.

I will not be disclosing any names, but even if I did, not many people would know about him. I have known him for quite some time, and like I mentioned earlier, he treats me well, and I never feel like s*it. The problem is, he forgot who I am the very moment he got a girlfriend. Or more like when his girlfriend was around. Because apparently, when he was treating me so nicely, his girlfriend was somewhere in a far, faraway land which required him to have at least RM 3,000 to go see her.

It’s not that I don’t understand this part. Honest. I place my Mr. above every other guy I know, because, yes, he earned that special place in my life. But I don’t forget my friends. I apologise if I have failed to be a good friend or if I fail to pick up the phone or if I fail to listen because the Mr. is around. Put it simply, I do not take people for granted. And if I go through a “phase” where I need to be alone, I make up for those times I was intentionally ignorant.

But this smart guy seems to think I am some girl he can come and go to whenever he wants. I don’t mind being a friend, a crying shoulder, or whatever. But if he suddenly calls you “just to talk” and you ask about his girl, and he tells you they just broke up the weekend before, that’s kind of fishy, isn’t it? “Just to talk la sangat?”. Blwek. Pegi mampus.

Then, out of the blue, in the middle of a Friday, where you just came back from class, he messages you, asking if you’re busy studying. Suddenly you actually care? Or are you just filling your time; your lonely, lonely time without your girlfriend around anymore.

Bull la. He promised me a Valentines lunch, just for us best friends. He never called back on that day. I don’t mind about that so much because I don’t celebrate. And if there was anyone I’d rather be with, it would be Abdul. But then, he forgot my birthday. He justified himself by saying that he was “just about to message” me. Bull some more. And the best part is, he was silent throughout all this time. He never bothered to call or check on me, until he broke up. Sucks right?

I don’t normally get emotional about things like this; they just don’t bother me much. I don’t have the time. But I am so fed up. Because I remember him calling me, telling me about the stupid fights he had and how his girl hated him, for something bad he did. Something really bad, that is. And I was there.

And now, I just hate to be that “touch and go” person, whom he thinks he can come to and go from as and when he pleases. Does that make me a bad friend now? No right?

I’d rather save my credit for someone more worth it.

Just for the record, I’m not at all angry. I’m just a tad bit agitated by people who take me for granted. I do not appreciate people who fail to appreciate. Thank you, and beware.

back from nowhere

Let’s face it. I’ve been out of touch with everything and everyone I could possible have done so to. I’ve been a tiny bit absent of late. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, actually, and I really haven’t had the time to do anything leisurely like updating my blog.

And right now, I’m in some CC in section 2, sending an email to Jaja.

Life hasn’t been all that bad, really. There have been some great things which happened throughout my silence from blogging:

a) I moved into a new unit somewhere in Baiduri. Currently, most of the time there are only 3 of us. Zata comes on weekends, and Nadira will stay permanently next semester.
b) I celebrated my 2nd anniversary early last week. It wasn’t much, but it was enough I guess. Hope for many more to come.
c) I’m actually doing just okay for my studies, which is a good thing because finally I can rest my weary head and be a little bit more positive that I am going to make it to Honours programme with my friends.

Other than that, life generally has been good, I guess. I’ve developed an allergy for a certain someone, and I think I need not elaborate. And life’s been really good without her, and this too, I shall not elaborate.

I have pictures to share, actually, but I haven’t got the time to wait for them to load. So probably some other time, when I’m really, really free.

For now, I just want to get back to sending my email, and getting back home because it’s starting to rain.

first child syndrome

My uncle owns this really cool Gibson old school electric guitar. He has a cool computer with great tracks in it, and he has a Marshall amplifier. He has this whole study dedicated to himself, with all the things I mentioned above in it. And my brother happens to have this indisputable talent in music. Be it with the piano, or with the guitar. Totally and completely indisputable. Or is it undisputable? Forgive my confusion of words, if there is any difference.

I used to learn music. I played the piano once, and went all the way until Grade 5. And then, I left for boarding school, where I had little space to practice, not so great tutors, and not much opportunity to show off my talent. I also happened to be busy serving the school that I had not much time to spare. Thus, I left my classes, stopped practising, and never got the chance to learn how to play by ear, or combine 2 chords together to create a melody of my own. I always, always have to refer to my books. And even with that, I only know a handful of songs, which I am not so proud of, to begin with.

My sister plays the piano too. Her talent’s nowhere close to my brother’s, honestly. But she plays way better than me, that’s for sure. Perhaps her passion for it isn’t as deep as my brother’s. But nonetheless, she draws well, even if she can’t play that well. She draws so well, that she keeps comic books of her own creation. She has so many ideas, that the Form 1 English Drama this year was a great success. (of course she couldn’t have done it without the whole of her batch). But still, I was told by her friends that she did help a lot during practices. And that she was a good director.

I, on the other hand, though I was the assistant director once upon a time ago, did not, and never quite got such remarks from my fellow batchmates. In fact, I think they used to hate me because I had such a tough time managing the whole thing. And I made it tough for them, of course.

I know I shouldn’t feel bitter because after all, they are my siblings and I should want nothing BUT the best for them. I DO want the best for them, and don’t get me wrong, I AM happy that I have such amazing siblings. But tell me now; is it reasonable for me to feel somewhat like a failure amongst them? The fact that the only talent I have in music is singing along to some song on the radio, while drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, and the closest to creative that I am, is scribbling 5-petalled flowers at the side of my lecture notes when I am bored in class.

And the fact that I am still confused whether it should be un- or in-disputable. The fact that the only talent I may have is crapping my heart out.