my own tuft

I don’t know why I like to do this. I type something out after giving it much thought and then I decide not to post it. I think many people can make a living out of my unpublished blogs if they were to find my laptop lying around somewhere. I guess the next time I have something in mind; I shouldn’t talk about it in the midst of writing. Because after all that talking, I don’t feel like the matter is an issue anymore. So, you who always seem to catch me when I’m feeling a certain something and who always manages to siphon it out of me, stop siphoning things out of me. Thank you.

I had lunch with the girls yesterday. And we all had room for brownies so we headed for Ms. Read Delicious café. And the brownies are superb, obviously. We were stuffing our faces with all that food until we really couldn’t get up. Hehe. Just a little outing for Bats’ birthday and also before Nadira goes off.

I was alone at home last night with only Mama. I ended up sleeping with her. Currently reading Jemima J. by Jane Green. It’s an okay story I guess. There aren’t really too many good books around lately. Not any that I can find or think of though. And I’m not really in the mood to read after all. I guess the exams have made me hate having to read. Which is a bad thing by the way. Very bad thing indeed.

Alright, a little hint of my not posted entry; my network of friends are just about everywhere. I have friends from school, from Uni and also from work. I see a lot of people still very much in contact with their school friends, my mother included, and that is only the most natural thing to do I guess, because after all, we all did grow up together.

We had a song, and we still do have a song. It’s a matter of singing it or not that makes the difference. I don’t sing to it that much anymore truthfully. I hum to it sometimes, but I don’t really sing it. I have had some bad experiences with these people. But to call those years the worst years of my life would be an overstatement since my sweetest memories also come from those years we spent together.

So why do I still feel somewhat awkward and jittery around some of them sometimes? As if I had to act in a certain way which is expected out of me when I’m around them? Or am I just putting this on myself? Because I certainly don’t think I am any longer that rigid uncompromising person who knows nothing other than black and white and never the in between. Do I look like that person who does not know how to have fun? Or am I unnecessarily boggled down with these insecurities when I certainly don’t need to be?

I don’t know. Probably it’s because I’ve just lost trust in some people. To me, trust is the underlying element for every relationship be it a gf-bf relationship or just between friends. Because once I lose trust in someone or something, that would be the end of me being myself around them. After all, why should I act so much like myself when there is always a probability that they might use it against me, correct?

Probably, just probably, I’ve found my own tuft. Probably those yesteryears were just a stepping stone; a start to this beginning that I’ve just found. And the present could also be a mere second stepping stone. But I’m glad it’s better than the past.

I just hope that I don’t lose the only handful that I am actually in contact with. I don’t know. Holidays make me melancholy. They make me write. Thank you very much.

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