am i fat?
I can’t wait! I’m currently downloading Grey’s Anatomy Season 3, episodes 20-25. I really, really can’t wait though I already know a little bit of the ending. But still, I can’t wait!
Speaking of which, I had the nerve to write that down? Because I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about piracy. My mama called me a pirate because I was downloading stuff from the internet. And I told her that I would only be a pirate if I distributed the materials and actually made profit out of it. Plus, I don’t think I’m a pirate where Grey’s Anatomy is concerned, at least, because it’s already aired in the US so by right, if I were in the US, I would have viewed it already. So, what I’m doing now is to view it earlier than everyone else in Malaysia. So, am I still a pirate?
But whatever it is, I really can’t wait. My holidays are coming to the second week, and I guess it’s not that bad, really. I just moved back into my own room in the attic and boy, there is a lot of cleaning up to be done because I was hardly ever home last semester. But anyways, it’s good to be back where I belong again.
I’m halfway through Jemima Jones, and I found it to be quite interesting after all. Only probably because there are some parts which I can really relate to for e.g. Jemima is not anorexic, she’s just obsessed, which is equally unhealthy and equally dangerous.
Can I tell you a secret?
I think I have an eating disorder. Okay, no. I don’t. I just finished a plateful of Swedish meatballs yesterday and I finished absolutely everything on the plate. (Don’t blame me; I was famished to begin with!). Okay, what I have is more of an obsession; something I’ve been obsessed about ever since I was a little kid.
I’ve been watching my weight ever since I was 10. I had to because my mom was just about the most petite person I knew, and the last thing I wanted to look like was to look like her sister, when I’m actually her daughter, or her little fat, wobbly daughter. So I watched my food intake and made mental notes every single day of what I ate.
No, don’t think of the unthinkable. I’ve never ever put a finger in my throat to puke after a meal, nor did I starve myself. I just made sure that my tummy was small, so to speak.
I remember one time, my main meal consisted of biskut marie and milo every single night, resulting in my cheeks bloating, which apparently, is the side effect of eating too many biscuits. I hated it then because I looked fat in pictures due to my cheeks, although I only weighed 43 kg then.
Then, at one point in time, I stopped watching what I ate because, hey, how many times in a lifetime do you get to enter a school which serves 6 meals per day? I took all 6 meals almost every day especially when my days in college were lessening by the minute and I weighed close to 60 at that time. Fat huh?
Then, there was one point in time where I lived on chocolates and plain water alone for an entire week, due to emotional breakdown (I am a pathological eater), and that was the beginning of my weight loss. That was when it started to yoyo from large to medium to small to super small to small again. People still say I’m small, though I don’t really think I am. I mean, I don’t know why I don’t think I am because I do fit into some of the smaller sizes in stores. But still.
The problem with reaching the super small stage is that I’ve become accustomed to being in that size. Even though at that point in time, I was told to put on some flesh because I was beginning to look like a scarecrow, I was so used to being super small that even scarecrow looking was attractive to me. So, the smaller my pants size got, the smaller I became, because I was trying to make sure that those pants only fit loosely on me.
Now who would have thought I had this kind of obsession with my body, huh? I mean, I’m sure many would agree that I look absolutely healthy, thanks to my habit of drinking mineral water and Rx-water everywhere I go and also due to my taking good care of my skin.
But still, my obsession is an unhealthy one, which I must admit. And I am proud I can admit that I have this problem. But how big of a problem is this, really to receive any medical attention at all?
Now, how did I go from piracy to eating disorders?
But still. Do you think I'm fat?
Speaking of which, I had the nerve to write that down? Because I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about piracy. My mama called me a pirate because I was downloading stuff from the internet. And I told her that I would only be a pirate if I distributed the materials and actually made profit out of it. Plus, I don’t think I’m a pirate where Grey’s Anatomy is concerned, at least, because it’s already aired in the US so by right, if I were in the US, I would have viewed it already. So, what I’m doing now is to view it earlier than everyone else in Malaysia. So, am I still a pirate?
But whatever it is, I really can’t wait. My holidays are coming to the second week, and I guess it’s not that bad, really. I just moved back into my own room in the attic and boy, there is a lot of cleaning up to be done because I was hardly ever home last semester. But anyways, it’s good to be back where I belong again.
I’m halfway through Jemima Jones, and I found it to be quite interesting after all. Only probably because there are some parts which I can really relate to for e.g. Jemima is not anorexic, she’s just obsessed, which is equally unhealthy and equally dangerous.
Can I tell you a secret?
I think I have an eating disorder. Okay, no. I don’t. I just finished a plateful of Swedish meatballs yesterday and I finished absolutely everything on the plate. (Don’t blame me; I was famished to begin with!). Okay, what I have is more of an obsession; something I’ve been obsessed about ever since I was a little kid.
I’ve been watching my weight ever since I was 10. I had to because my mom was just about the most petite person I knew, and the last thing I wanted to look like was to look like her sister, when I’m actually her daughter, or her little fat, wobbly daughter. So I watched my food intake and made mental notes every single day of what I ate.
No, don’t think of the unthinkable. I’ve never ever put a finger in my throat to puke after a meal, nor did I starve myself. I just made sure that my tummy was small, so to speak.
I remember one time, my main meal consisted of biskut marie and milo every single night, resulting in my cheeks bloating, which apparently, is the side effect of eating too many biscuits. I hated it then because I looked fat in pictures due to my cheeks, although I only weighed 43 kg then.
Then, at one point in time, I stopped watching what I ate because, hey, how many times in a lifetime do you get to enter a school which serves 6 meals per day? I took all 6 meals almost every day especially when my days in college were lessening by the minute and I weighed close to 60 at that time. Fat huh?
Then, there was one point in time where I lived on chocolates and plain water alone for an entire week, due to emotional breakdown (I am a pathological eater), and that was the beginning of my weight loss. That was when it started to yoyo from large to medium to small to super small to small again. People still say I’m small, though I don’t really think I am. I mean, I don’t know why I don’t think I am because I do fit into some of the smaller sizes in stores. But still.
The problem with reaching the super small stage is that I’ve become accustomed to being in that size. Even though at that point in time, I was told to put on some flesh because I was beginning to look like a scarecrow, I was so used to being super small that even scarecrow looking was attractive to me. So, the smaller my pants size got, the smaller I became, because I was trying to make sure that those pants only fit loosely on me.
Now who would have thought I had this kind of obsession with my body, huh? I mean, I’m sure many would agree that I look absolutely healthy, thanks to my habit of drinking mineral water and Rx-water everywhere I go and also due to my taking good care of my skin.
But still, my obsession is an unhealthy one, which I must admit. And I am proud I can admit that I have this problem. But how big of a problem is this, really to receive any medical attention at all?
Now, how did I go from piracy to eating disorders?
But still. Do you think I'm fat?
.jpeg)
Comments