May 05, 2011

my calling

I didn’t always know that I wanted to work in the legal field. All I did was depend on my SPM results and tried to choose a Course, which I thought I would excel at. My top 3 choices in no particular order were English, Law and Tourism Management (random, I know) (!!!).

When I first got my offer letter, the University offered me the Tourism Management Course (“TMC”). After a long and hard discussion with my parents, we all decided that it probably wouldn’t be such a good idea for me to enroll into the TMC since the career path and development (at least at that point in time) wasn’t so clear. At least not as clear as the Legal Field was.

So, my father fought tooth and nail to get me a spot in the Law Faculty. Some people even questioned him of my capabilities to cope with the tight schedule and tough subjects. He gave them a piece of his mind and told them not to undermine me even before I tried.

And so, began my journey as a Law Student.

Surprisingly, I did quite well as a Law Student. I don’t know how I did it (though I must say that I worked very, very hard) and suddenly being a Law Student seemed like the “right” thing to do. That was until I was in the final semester of my final year, where I just lost all motivation.

Of course, with the lack of motivation came the occasional “failures” and with that came a decline in my self-esteem. I didn’t graduate happily but I still graduated with a good Law Degree.

But since then, I simply let life take its course and decided that if something were good for me, I would know it. I don’t think I have put that much reliance on fate per se for anything.

Once upon a time ago, I wrote about the Purple Dilemma. Back then, I was so focused on hating my job that waking up for work was in itself a painful chore to endure.

3 years later, I am still working at the same place in the same field.

Many things have changed since, but there are times when I feel like I need to or that I should have taken the bull by its horns, earlier. I’m not saying that I regret my decision to grab the first job that crossed my path because I think a lot of graduates do that – they secure a job first and see if they like it. If they don’t, the leave.

My only regret is that I failed to bring my good work culture and attitude during the 5-year Law Course I had to endure into the actual playing field and took the backseat for much too long, only to realise that it is to my own detriment.

Sometimes I loathe myself for not being able to work on the things I hate and for seeing those things as an obstacle rather than a positive challenge.

I have come to realise that it is no longer the people or the place that’s bugging the living daylights out of me, but more of my own negative attitude towards my job that's causing me this unnecessary unease. In this regard, the law of attraction really has worked (though sadly, to my disadvantage), much as I don’t believe in it.

Point is that I am currently floating mindlessly through this stretch in my life although the situation now as compared to the first day I came into office has greatly improved. I am better acknowledged and people “use” me for what I am good at, which I love. Because it means that to a certain degree, I am working my way towards being indispensible. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying to get there.

I’m not sure why I wrote this but it is perhaps a mere reminder to myself that things could be worse than this and that if I hadn’t taken this path, I would probably still be depending on my parents or husband for financial support. God Forbid.

I wouldn’t trade financial independence for anything in this world, no matter how much people say, “money can’t buy happiness”, which to a certain extent is true but at least money can buy shoes and ice-cream so I think that should suffice for now, right?

Point is that I am trying my best to relearn and re-love my job though I admit that at times I wonder too, what it is that I am doing sitting behind the PC while the whole Department thinks that my job is of no relevance or significance seeing that all I do is sit behind the PC, right?

At times like these, I can’t help but wonder if the grass is greener on the other side?

Whichever side, I still can’t decide.

Sometimes, I wonder if I would have made a better English teacher, baker or anything else but a lawyer.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


Helinomics said...

kakak dear, everything happens for a reason kan? atleast this quote is already planted in our head that we believe everything has its own reason for getting into our way. You'll be a better baker (yummm brownies), a better teacher, a damn good lawyer if u want to. Yes, i second u it's all about our attitudes towards it. Just dont regret it, because we might not be better back then when we have to choose, compared to the present now when we have our full commitment and power in dealing with the real situation. The older we get, the wiser we'll be, insyaAllah..

Live and let live. You know what i mean :)

Haneesa said...

thanks dear :) i just went through this moment of reflection to see if i had achieved anything and to see if there is anything i could do to achieve more.

yes, everything happens for a reason and we know it. like you always say, we've got to learn to live to accept some things and not too expect too much out of life.

we'll both be fine, insyaAllah :)

tmc said...

uuuu..TMC! hehe
hugs love to kakak, lynn and lynn's bubb!:)

Haneesa said...

omg timmc! awak sungguh random comel betul ahahahahahaha