mixed feelings.

I have so many other things that I actually want to write about at the moment but I can't seem to. And to be honest, I don't think I ever will be able to until and unless I get this "bit" off of my chest.

Recently (like right after I wrote this post last 2 weeks), my life all of a sudden became... for want of better word... "happening". I was presented with one news after another with not much of a breather (or good news) if I might add and that has somewhat rendered me speechless and overwhelmed me on so many levels.

Out of all the "happenings", one of them was actually, actual good news. The news came about at just the nick of time and I should have gone over the moon over such news, but to be honest, that one piece of good news was the one thing that left me with mixed feelings. 

For the whole week after I came to know of such news, I prayed for some kind of enlightenment or revelation of some sort. Normally at times like these, I would talk things out with my husband but seeing how hard he's worked to achieve such good news, I didn't want to burden him with my silly insecurities and uncertainties. 

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, he asked me a question I've been silently asking myself. He sort of took the words right out of my mouth and echoed my thoughts precisely. To be honest, I've never really seen that side of him so I was (pleasantly?) surprised. I really never knew.

So, after talking things out and feeling a tad more confused than when we initially began trashing things out, he asked me out of the blue,

"You wanna take a drive?"

For someone who's been quarantined for 10 days (more on that later), I unhesitatingly obliged, very much happy with his temporary solution.

***

From where I'm sitting, I have a clear unobliterated view of the Putrajaya skyline at night. In the mornings, I see the most beautiful sunrises.

Where we may be moving, my view will be someone else's house. Every single day and night. 

From where I'm now living, I can hear the Azan clearly and get free tazkirah while I'm cooking dinner because the surau is directly below our block.

Where we may be moving... it's not as close. 

Yes, my dilemma is about us moving to another place (unfortunately still not our own), which commensurates with our actual entitlement.

Ironically, although this change is (or could be) for the better and something we've both looked forward to, we're both of 2 minds about whether or not we should move. I've started packing our stuff bit by bit by bit but yeah, that's more because I don't want to do things at the very last minute and not because I am excited.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way and I suspect it's because I've grown really attached to this place and for many good reasons too.

I spent the last 2 years plus living in this house and making it home.

I started a family here.

I spent a week of my confinement and the final month of my maternity leave here.

I spent 6 months alone with my son in this house; crying, laughing, fighting and playing with each other.

Oh man, moving is expensive alright!

I don't see the need to have more furniture but the new place requires loads of new furniture to fill in spaces. 

There's so many other silly reasons that I can think of and of course I'm aware that new memories can be made at the new home too, but as for now, my silly thinking says that I don't think I'll love it there as much as I do HERE.

Gah.

After taking that drive with my husband last night, we both concluded that we're both probably a tad too fussy about things. So, last night we resolved to just move first and see how things go.

Today though, we both started asking each other more questions and the "best" thing is... I've put my packing on hiatus. He he he.

We've got 3 weeks to decide and I hope that by then, we'll both come to a decision.

Whatever that decision may be.

home.

crispy skin.

So far, this year has been a very mundane year for me.

Yes, if I were to pick an adjective to describe 2013 thus far, it would be mundane.

I realise that like many of us in the same age group, I have become a slave to my job more than I thought I would be. No doubt I was one of the workaholics during the Honours program, but I (honestly) thought that things would change when I entered the workforce. Apparently not.

Day in, day out, different day, different drama and still, there's nothing in the difference that makes me feel like my days are anything close to eventful. Don't know if you get what I'm trying to say, but it is what it is.

So today, after a very productive day at work, I decided that I deserved a treat. Well, if it were up to me I'd treat myself everyday, but hey, we've got bills to pay! Anyway... after much deliberation, we headed to Sushi King and had a feast. Sort of. The spread on the kaiten seemed so much better during that hour (6.30 p.m. - 8.00 p.m.) and it was kind of therapeutic to see all kinds of sushi pass by me.

We took turns to eat and after my turn, I let my boy chase a cat all around the Alamanda compound. I found his obsession with his new found furry friend really just amusing. Then, as I was settling the bill, my husband told me to meet him at the expensive coffee shop (Starbucks je pun eheh). Score! That could only mean that I was also going to get my much needed coffee fix on top of my most favourite food, sushi. 2 of my favourites in one evening is a huge bonus for me.

And for some reason, though coffee's never really had an effect on my bio clock (especially where bedtime is concerned), tonight proves to be an exception and a huge one at that. I've already done all my chores, ironed all our clothes, swept and mopped the floor and now here I am staring at your perfection... eh tibe-tibe lagu Daylight.

I do realise that this is to my detriment, and it's not so much because I'll wake up with panda eyes (because that is what I wake up with everyday anyway), but because I know I'm going to be dead tired at work come tomorrow (or today actually since it's already past midnight) and because I know that I'd have to wake up really early to beat my son who's probably going to wake up earlier than normal since he went to bed so early tonight.

Sigh. All because of those 'spensive coffee beans. Eh, tapi Encik Suami, janganlah segan nak belanja lagi. Eheh

Anyway, the point of this post was just to say that I may have misjudged 2013 too fast too soon. There's actually loads to be thankful for, like days like today for instance. Oh man, I am a little too easy to please I know for what are those colourful sushi plates, the yummy crispy salmon skin, my 2 boys, and some 'spensive coffee beans?

Well, for someone who's seen alot of mundane, they really are everything.

So, Alhamdulillah for that.

Some love...

... emanate from a place way deeper then where love comes from.



And of course, this love is one of it.

He's growing a personality and a strong one at that. He's got a little bit of an attitude worthy of a hashtag #likeaboss. I've come to a point in my life where I can no longer imagine what it'd be like without him. Of course I've been a mother for a year plus now and my earlier statement makes it look like it's only now that I appreciate his presence, but hey, come on, I'm only human. While it was life changing to have a child, it was also overbearing on so many levels, I can't even begin to explain.

So, don't judge. I probably love my child more than the rest of you all put together.

Well anyway.

Now that he's older, he's alot more capable of expressing his wants and needs.

Sometimes, he's glued to me like bubble gum and I wished it wasn't so.

But on some mornings (like this morning for instance), when he utterly refused me because he obviously thought Daddy was the cooler parent, I remind myself not to take heart for he is only a child. This wouldn't be the first time he would reject me or break my heart (so innocently and unintentionally too if I might add).

I sometimes think I need to brace myself before the time actually comes when he becomes old enough to be embarrased by my affection. And it's because I sometimes think I can never ever think of him as a big boy. But then again, no matter how fast he's now walking unsupported, no matter how big of an attitude he's got and no matter how much he loves grown-up food, he still finds comfort in the nook of my arm come night time when it's time to sleep. That's when I realise that he will always be my baby (in my eyes).

At the end of the day, I just hope that he takes after his Dad and wears his heart right smack on his sleeve, so that he wouldnt' be like the rest of the boys I know who are afraid to show their love.

Well anyway.

There's really nothing more to say.

That was just a random thought passing through my head on a crazy lazy Tuesday.

time flies.

Type. Erase. Retype. ... is really all I've been doing for the past few days.

Suddenly, it's 6 days into May, which means in about 9 days, it'll be half a month of May, which means there's only about half a month more to mid year, which means, in about 6 1/2 months, we'll be in 2014.

These days, time flies.

Whether you're having fun or not.

Though I haven't been keeping score, I do hope that I've (actually) been having more fun than the latter.

Let's just hope that the rest of us will be doing the same (having fun) even in the light of the recent happenings in Malaysia.

my biggest issue.

My biggest issue in life is trust.

It's either I trust you. Or I don't.

And normally, I trust you. Until you give me a reason not to.

And from then on, you can expect this. Yes, this thing I'm doing.

This whole silent treatment. This whole avoidance.

You broke me. Or I'm broken? Doesn't matter.

Point is, don't rile me. Don't make me angry.

Because once I'm broken, you can consider me gone.

it was written in the stars.

For a few months now, I've been telling my mom that I wanted to treat myself to something. I've been working for 5 years now and the only expensive thing I've bought so far is a normal leather bag, which has served me well and is in fact, still serving me fine.

While others have treated themselves with lovely designer bags, I decidedly felt that a designer bag wouldn't make me happy enough.

I wanted to treat myself to a charm bracelet from Pandora, but kept hesitating, for the same reason I decided not to treat myself to a designer handbag.

In the end, I knew that only one thing could make me happy enough.

Told my husband about it and he, being the enthusiast, didn't hesitate to accompany me to my "try-outs". At the end of it all, we decided against any purchase because the price of all of those that I liked were just too steep. I either had to settle with something less or wait until things looked up for me.

I decided on the latter.

As fate had it, yesterday was the day.

My husband called me up excitedly, telling me of the good news. The moment I was able to leave office, we went to the shop, hand in hand, just hoping that The One was still there. As I had so fervently hoped, there it was, in the glass showcase, just like when I first saw it.

There was no more room for hesitation. I knew that I had to have it then. Best thing of all is that it seemed to (perfectly) go with everything I had on for work yesterday (read: yellow|cream|brown). If I had let it go yesterday, I don't think I would have forgiven myself.

Now that it's draped around my wrist, I feel a sense of accomplishment for having worked so hard for the past 5 years.

This is the best present one could ever treat herself with and I'm glad I did.

Alhamdulillah :)

some balloons and a yummy cake.

The photo in the post below is from Luqman's 1st birthday celebration, which no one in particular was invited to.

*gaasp!*

Yes, after thinking things through long and hard, I finally decided not to hold a full-blown celebration for him. Not just yet. Not this year.

Of course, it was a tough decision to make. Every other kid these days gets a full-blown celebration and I wasn't even considering one? Of course, my ego was scratched and deflated and I felt like a failed parent. What if he one day questioned my decision?

Well, since it's my decision to make, I shall be the one to answer.

(though I very much doubt he'll be questioning me)

So, anyways, for keepsake purposes, we held a small do just to mark his first birthday. It was also to mark his daddy's homecoming.

We had pasta, pizza, soup and (ohsoyummy)cake.

Of course, the birthday boy got some pizza crust and a few chocolate crumbs, just so he gets to taste what his own party's food tastes like.

But anway, all he enjoyed was nursing from his Sippy(Mama's)Cup really, so it mattered very little to him what was served. He did enjoy opening his presents, though and of course loved ALL of them. And I think  he napped TWICE during the celebration.

At the end of the day, my brother said, "The birthday boy is the person who least understands what's going on today!"

He kind of took the words right out of my mouth.

So, I'm really glad we had it small and intimate. And that everybody had some fun.

Probably next year, you can expect an invite in your post. Probably ;)



he just couldn't keep his hands off Mr. Bozo | From Wondermilk.

and here he is being a complete angel for keeping his party hat on! | He hates anything on his head, so this is a big deal for me ;)

Mama hopes you had fun baby boy!

the end.

The long awaited end of 6 months finally came on 12.04.2013.

I embraced it with euphoria, nothing less.

That night, I slept sandwiched between my boys, who both hugged me lovingly, and equally tight.

Now that we're three, we are finally ONE.

Thank you Allah for protecting us, for reuniting us, for keeping the love alive.

And I am once again, complete.

at the end of the day....

what most days look like.

throwback.

I purposely waited until April to update my blog.

March was way too depressing for me and I dare say that that was one of the lowest of the lowest points in my life.

But now that March has passed, I’m happy to announce that April began with a bang! A great big bang as it began with my baby’s first ever birthday.

I’m so thankful that I managed to spend more hours with him than normal on that day, and that he was in such a good mood to begin with. He was all smiles the moment he woke up and as I watched him sleep, I caught him smiling in his dreams too. I guess he could sense how different and special that day was seeing that I came to pick him up way earlier than normal and that he was made to wear the new clothes his pengasuh got for him for his birthday. Of course, we got him a mini Big Bird to commemorate the day (though I still wish Elmo was not sold out!), which he of course loves!

Well anyway, as I’ve poured my heart out on FB and Instagram, I don’t plan on doing the same here on my blog.

So, I’ll leave you with never seen before photos (on this blog) from a year back. Enjoy!



the start of my sleepless nights ;)

surah Maryam

my firstborn

in the nook of my arms :)

peaceful

all I know is sleep

and that I want milk. more milk!

at 6 weeks I was all smiles.

when previously I didn't know what on earth was going on.

but still sempat buat muka manis minta susu ;)

aaah, that's more like me hihi

this is when Mama started to lose more weight. ha ha ha

Okay, dah. Tak larat. There's probably thousands of his photos which have never been published. I'll save that for another throwback.

 

Happy birthday my baby darling :)