kau yang bernama Cinta.

Kau yang bernama Cinta,

Kau yang memberi rasa,

Kau yang ilhamkan Bahagia,

Hingga aku terasa indah.

- Yang Terindah

Last weekend, he came back for a bit (for actually less than 24 hours), before heading off to another module.

We stayed up on Saturday night, looking through old photos. I was the one who insisted. And he, being him, naturally obliged.

We ended up having a really good laugh.

At ourselves.
At Luqman.
At our life.

Our wonderful life.

It has been far from perfect.

But it has been wonderful, nonetheless.

It's easy to fall prey to jealousy and mistrust, especially in trying times like these, but we both try not to. We've made so much effort to stay strong. We've both been really honest with each other. We've come oh so very far.

Anything can happen, even at this point in time. And I keep reminding myself that it could happen to anyone. Yes, anyone, even us. We are not invincible. We never will be. But it's okay. We can still die standing, just trying. 

Only 2 months and 22 days to go. We'll ace this. Let's promise.

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"whatever" it takes

Now, the phrase “whatever it takes” has a long, dark and twisty past to it. It began years ago when I was still too little to understand anything, yet old enough to remember.

And as I grew older, my mom filled me in with the sad details of the things that happened back in the day.

One of my late cousins once dated a Chinese guy. I don’t know what aunt has against Chinese, but I am positively sure it isn’t racism, seeing that she was born Chinese herself. But point is, she didn’t like him and most definitely didn’t like her being with him.

When my late cousin dropped hints of tying the knot with the Chinese guy, I was told that one of the things my aunt said was, “Aku taknak dia kahwin dengan laki Cino tu, tak kisah apo pun nak jadi!” (I don’t want her to marry that Chinese guy, whatever it takes!)

And so, it took my late cousin’s life, who passed away from a motor accident.

I know that her death was probably already written. But we all know that doa ibu juga makbul. No doubt no one can tell whether the union would have lasted or would have been happy one, but now, no one will ever know.

Since then, everyone in my family has been careful not to over exert the phrase “whatever it takes”

But as you would have already read in my previous post, I prayed to Allah to protect my parents, whatever it takes. And it took away my Aunt’s Visa application. I know that it’s selfish to feel good about another person’s misgiving, but I couldn’t help feeling relieved. I couldn’t help it.

But just as things were looking up…

I woke up in the wee hours of Friday morning to a baby with a fever. A very high fever.

It was circa 1 a.m. when my baby woke up for his midnight feed.

As I was kissing his head, it felt hot to the touch.

I felt his armpits. Then, I touched his toes. They were, likewise, hot to the touch.

After feeding him, I thought of what I was supposed to do. Being alone, the first thing that I must do is to NOT PANIC. I couldn’t panic no matter how scared I was of the situation. And to achieve that, I had to refrain from crying.

And man, that was hard.

I don’t know why but I don’t keep medicine in the house. Not mine and not the baby’s. In other words, I don’t really like to self-prescribe and generally believe more in natural remedies. So, after taking my baby’s temperature, I started sponging him and feeding him as much and as long as he wanted.

He wasn’t vomiting and he wasn’t fretting, but I kept sponging him anyway. Then, after about an hour, his temperature didn’t drop and I knew that I had to do something about it. Fast.

So, I bundled him up, strapped him to his carseat, and started driving around Putrajaya, looking for the illusive, non-existent 24-hour clinic. I already knew it didn’t exist (because I looked it up beforehand) and that the closest was in Bangi, so I had no choice but to get whatever medicine I could from 7-Eleven.

Luck was on our side and we secured the last bottle of Panadol Suspension on the shelves.

I immediately fed him the medicine in the car (yes, already brought the syringe with me) and drove back home slowly. On one occasion, I glanced at him and it hit me. Oh my God, could this be among the “whatever it takes?”

“Please, please, please Allah. Not him. Not him”, I prayed. “Not his health, not his well-being, not, nauzubillah his life. Please?”

He’s recovering now, Alhamdulillah. And smart as ever.

Yesterday, I was so overcome with emotion; I began crying after my husband left.

And guess what my lil’ angel did? He caught each and every one of my tears with his tiny little fingers. And here I thought I was the bigger person.

Please Ya Allah, I don’t know if I can take it back, but please.

Not when "whatever" is him.

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great lengths.

Sometimes, I'm amazed at the great lengths people are willing to go to, just to make my boy laugh.

Kind of reminds me of... ME.

What's not to love about my cousins? ;)

Tapi kesian, budak tu sikit pun tak senyum. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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chantique.

Yesterday morning, when my husband called, the first thing he said was, “Cantiknya harini.”

I went to the office feeling all giddy and as I was clocking in, one of my staff said, “Comelnya diaa.”

As if that wasn’t enough, when I went to the toilet, one of my colleagues said, “Puan, cantiknya harini.”

To all of them, I almost wanted to reply,

“Harini je ke saya cantik?”

But I caught my tongue quick enough to realise that they were all complimenting me.

Alhamdulillah. 

Actually, I think I look like how I do every day. Difference is, harini saya pakai skirt kembang. In all truth, I was a bit hesitant at first, seeing how... unusual this is, since this is me we're talking about.

Tudung – Summit USJ (RM10) Shirt – Nicole MNJ (RM15) Skirt – Flea Market (RM40) Belt – free

Agak-agak boleh menang tak kalau ada Competition “Dressing Up For Under RM100”?

Tapi kena tahan lah berkaki ayam. Dan duit kena bubuh dalam coli.

Sebab kasut beli kat Charles and Keith. Handbag Guy Laroche.

Still.

From this day onwards, I will try at least once a week to put in more effort into my appearence. Gives me a feel-good-feeling which is hard to explain. Heh.

p.s. I’m really good at bargain hunting. If you want to shop for really cheap brand-new clothes, which are no fuss maintenance (boleh masuk je dalam machine), seriously, I can go shop with you. I'm no good in the styling department though. Just saying.
 

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mysterious ways.

No matter how gracefully my parents are aging, it’s pretty difficult to ignore the huge mass of greying hair on my father’s head and my mom’s recurring muscle pains from years of rigorous use. Their aging is hardly negligible that I have to keep reminding myself that at some point in my life, I’ve got to know that they would leave. “The only sure thing in life is death,” Mama says.

Which is why, each time my parents travel without me, I get emotional. Of course, the “without me” factor is one of the reasons, but what causes me to be more emotional is the fact that I don’t know if I’ll get to see them again.

Morbid, I know. But totally unavoidable.

The last time they left the country was in November 2010. And they went to Egypt. Before they left, my mom left me their travel insurance via email with the message, “Just in case.” I remember crying and crying and crying during that week out of so much fear. I prayed and prayed and prayed that they returned home safely because the thought of losing them is just unbearable.

The moment they returned, there was unrest in Egypt. They barely escaped it. But they did.

A few weeks back, they told us (siblings) that they were leaving for Umrah, along with my youngest Aunt and her friend (who’s literally like family) who are going for the first time.

When they told me, I wasn’t at peace. Although I know for a fact that mengerjakan Umrah itu perkara baik. When my parents left me at my place last Sunday night, I thought long and hard about them leaving and started crying. Hard. I prayed and prayed and prayed to Allah to protect my parents, whatever it took.

And it took my Aunt’s and her friend’s Visa application.

Their application didn’t make it, even after appeals.

They were supposed to leave tomorrow.

And my parents don’t have the heart to leave without my Aunt and her friend. So, they decided not to go.

Sometimes, we think something is good for us, but Allah knows better.

This time round, Allah has ordained that it’s just not their time. Yet. They are not yet his tetamu and so, they must wait until Allah decides that it’s time.

Isn’t Allah’s way of answering my prayers mysterious?

Whatever the case may be, I couldn’t be more thankful.

I know I have to learn to eventually let them go, but I just don’t want to do it in one big bad blow.

Thank you Allah, for answering my prayers.

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baru tiga haribulan.

Kenapa bulan Januari selalu bulan emosi?

Tahun lepas pun sama. Yang tak sama ialah tahun lepas pregnant.

Dah, dah, jangan pandai-pandai buat kesimpulan sendiri. Saya belum pregnant balik okay. Anak sorang pun dah emosi mengalahkan orang pregnant, kalau pregnant tak boleh nak imagine macam mana rupanya. Nangis, hidung merah kembang kempis, keluar hingus. Buruk benor.

Hari ni bangun super awal sebab ada kerja nak kena selesaikan. Boss ada mention yang saya nampak struggling with my juggling dan saya tak nafikan. So, in my efforts nak minimise ke obvious-an struggle my juggle, saya pun reschedule my routine supaya boleh siapkan kerja by the time I get to the office.

Rasa puas hati sangat sebab sempat buat semua benda dengan sempurna pagi ni. By the time Boss Lebih Besar Dari Boss Besar bangun, kerja siap, barang siap, saya siap. Tinggal nak siapkan anak je.

Best bila boleh beri 200% attention kepada dia sebab that will minimise the amount of drama in the morning. Sebenarnya tak selalu drama pun sebab anak macam angel kan. Wah, puji anak sendiri. But it’s true. Drama hanya akan berlaku kalau dia bangun awal sangat and by the time nak pergi kerja dia mengamuk nak nenen sebab nak tidur balik tapi Mama dah gegas dia suruh pergi kerja. Haha. Kecik-kecik Mama dah suruh cari rezeki sendiri.

Anyways, balik kepada menyiapkan anak.

Since tak banyak benda nak buat apart from switch off laptop dan masukkan Agreement dalam bag, I thought, hari ni tak payah tahan telinga dengar anak nangis lah. Kalau biar dia main sorang-sorang sambil nak selesaikan 2 benda tu, confirm dia jerit sebab kita tak pedulikan dia. So, saya pun dukung lah anak. Dan buat benda-benda yang nak kena buat.

Sekali, rasa basah. Oh my God, my boy peed on me. Well, memang lah dia pakai diapers. Tapi disebabkan malam tadi ada drama, diapers dipasang dengan senget. Maka…

Fuh…

It was already a bit late tapi takkan la sebab nak kejar punch card tak nak tukar diapers anak kan. Last night’s drama was enough. Memang insaf taknak buat dah. Sekali lagi, jangan lah pandai-pandai buat kesimpulan ye. I didn’t beat him or dera him. Ada acara jerit menjerit dan nangis kepada each other saja. See, told ya I’m human. Meltdown pasti ada.

Jadi, saya tarik nafas panjang kerna aku tak apa-apa. Tibe-tibe lagu Hujan.

Tukar diapers anak, pakaikan baju yang fresh.

And left for work with my baju yang dibasahi kencing anak.

Sampai car park, husband call. Jangan mengeluh kata dia. I said "okay, bang*" (*bang bukan nama sebenar ye, ewww), sambil mengeluh. Mesti dia fikir, degil bini aku ni. Tapi taklah. Tak baik buruk sangka kat dia okay. Dia tahu saya stressed out.

So, naik office, I texted him and asked him,

“…. Do you think I’m a terrible mom?”

“You are. Hahaha.”

Waterworks bermula. Sensitip bebenor.

  Itu lah orang tua-tua kata jangan gelak kuat sangat, nanti nangis.

Buat lompat bintang lagi.

Amekaw.

Nah.

Gambar dah tukar baju fresh. Tak cantik pun mengaku jugak cantik. Ngaku sekarang.

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pomp and circumstance.

If you’re a regular on this space, you’d know how big I am on dates. Yes dates; both the verb and noun. I’ve always believed that they don’t come round often and obviously come with no repeats, thus they must be commemorated as best as possible.

So, I chose to get married on 01.01.11, two years ago.

Ushering in the New Year with such an important event is wonderful. It’s the best thing to do because it's impossible to forget. Yet, that is also one of the worst features about getting married on New Year’s Day – you forgo every other celebration to make way for something way more important, thus causing a huge void in your heart when you’re forced to make way for things that cannot be changed.

Obviously, I wanted this year to be better than the last, but, oh well.

Am I even making sense here, you think?

So, I celebrated my 2nd Anniversary alone. Well, sort of.

I was basically dealing with a clingy baby who refused to be left alone and because of that, he didn’t want to sleep. Because of that, I became agitated and he obviously sensed it and it made things so much worse. At one point, I had to take a breather and left him to cry in the playpen. And when I walked back into the room, he gave me the most dazzling toothy smile like he was so pleased to see me. I literally melted so I picked him up, planted kisses and blew bubbles on his cheeks and tummy. And soon after, we dozed off together.

At some point yesterday, after I had chowed down millions of empty calories for quick energy, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I strapped my baby onto his car seat and went off to Alamanda for dinner. During dinner, we did our own stuff and kept to ourselves. We had both been focussing so much of our energy, love and attention on each other, not just yesterday but also for the past 3 months or so, especially and I needed that time off. And I kind of think that my baby appreciated that too.

My husband was so surprised that I let my baby entertain himself during dinner, but hey, I’m only human.

Basically that was how I spent the day. Alone, tired and hungry.

Yet, despite being alone, I longed for that moment of solitude. For that rare moment when I’m not running the house or slipping away from my baby to get a chore done or for that moment of uninterrupted time in front of my laptop.

About 10 minutes to midnight on 01.01.2013, I switched on my laptop and drafted 2 posts, both of which sounded so… fake. In the end, all I could think about is my baby’s toothy smile and his masham smell.

I switched off my laptop and joined him on the bed, dozing off while watching him sleep.

Soon after, he woke up searching for me and came crawling towards me with his eyes closed.

At that point, all waterworks broke loose. I should have been more grateful. After all, there is no one else on earth who could offer me such pure and unconditional love even after how I acted.

I may be the victim of circumstance, but he shouldn’t have become the victim of my emotions.

There’s always next year. Insya Allah.

my hot date.

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college grounds.

I have to say I have mixed feelings about TKC  moving. As skema as I was back then, which caused me to not explore the compounds as much as I should have, I have memories everywhere. The biskut krim in the Sickbay which I gobbled down each time I was on duty, Dewan Budiman where we burnt the midnight oil preparing for ED, the lanes in college on which we used to sneak on in the wee hours of the morning to get to some place we weren’t supposed to go. And of course, the Form 3 study room in Block E holds so many warm memories.

I grew up on the grounds of Bukit Merbah.

So, it’s only natural that I’m sad that I wouldn’t be able to relate when people refer to TKC at Enstek.

But.

Having said that, for the betterment of the school, I think it’s a good move. Our TKC population is growing and so must our grounds. With the advancement of technology, it is only fitting that we improve our facilities and infrastructure.

We should be proud of this positive progression and always know that no matter where we reside, we’ve got to keep the flag flying high.

Still sad, I know.

Which is why I’m super glad we have photos to keep the memories alive.

top: at Dewan Budiman, bottom left: ♥, bottom right: mommies and babies

top left: Balsam, my first dorm, top right: Kesidang, my Form 3 dorm, bottom left: Mahsuri Lounge, bottom right: From the Lounge of Block D Mahsuri

top: Ada Aku Kesah? Siapa nak fine pun? Haha. p.s.: I miss Syood! bottom left: Block E Form 3 Lounge (now, Rosebay), bottom right: Dining Hall

LOVE-HATE. BAHAHAAHAHA. (note: NOT with the person of course!)

so many fond memories~

Bottom: kiri tu mama anak sorang, ehemm (tak sedar diri lagi tu, hehe)

It was good to grow up here. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

//p.s: all the while, Atok (my dad) taught Luqman how to use the horn in the car. So, throughout the time we were taking photos here, he honked me to hurry up!!! That cheeky boy!

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Rainbow High

Adik said, "OhmyGod, Kakak, your batch so beriya!" Hehe

First and foremost, I’d like to say kudos to the Organising Committee for planning such a beautiful event for us all!

This 10^th year reunion has always been one of the things in 9802’s pipeline, but it never really kicked off, much “thanks” to “initially nominated” OCs like me, whose life went on a fluctuating spiral after I gave birth.  

Yesterday’s Rainbow Party was superb and it was such a wonderful way to end 2012!

So many of us turned up and it felt like old times all over again. I’m sure the Plus Ones, who were mostly husbands and partners were shocked to see the true colours of their wives! (and for that, I’m sure my husband is mighty glad that he’s escaped the chaos, haha!)

There was so much shrieking, laughing and hugging to compensate for the many years we haven’t met.

Of course, there were (one too many) photography sessions, which I’m sure we the mommies would have loved if it were not for our babies wiggling like mini octopuses on our arms

But all in all, I had such a blast! Almost felt like a teenager all over again! Well, almost because it was kind of impossible to ignore my excited baby who looked like he couldn't wait to join his older Abangs and Kakaks running around the Grand Ballroom.

We both went home "high" on rainbow.

He slept smiling last night ;)

This reunion wasn’t only to celebrate the 10^th year after leaving college and 15 years of friendship, but also to visit TKC Bukit Merbah for the last time before it moves to Enstek, Nilai.

Which is why, after the Rainbow Party at Allson, we adjourned for an "after party" in TKC Bukit Merbah.

p/s: I was nominated best-dressed for all 3 categories tapi tak cukup vote! Aiseh~

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Dear Santa,

 Susulan mesyuarat terdahulu, berikut merupakan wish list saya. I've been good, I promise ;)

Since I am now all covered on top,

I still think that I should look great,

At that place where all looks now pop,

I can fit in a six to eight!

So many things, give you headache, aiyooo!

Perhaps “V.R.” would make you less glum,

It’s size 38, its colours glow,

But be forewarned, I have the plum!

But if you really want me to love you,

I’d like a Braun Buffel bag, the one in blue!

Eheh.

It doesn’t hurt to wish, no? I love this time of year.

Come on, people! Tell me watchu want! Hak hak!

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you remind me of a girl that I once knew.

There was a time in my life when it was okay to share everything.

It’s really not okay to share everything, but it was interesting that I did.

When I first opened a blog, I didn’t really think of sharing anything with anyone, let alone everyone.

But the prospect of having other people “read you” was a real thrill.

Now, it’s like a thriller.

People can be so insanely psychotic. And judgemental. So, they literally read you like a book. And gossip about you and your life, even if they didn’t know you at all.

Which is why I stopped being so honest about things, I guess. Which is why I also started writing things which I thought would inspire. And also dedicated my writings to my so-called travelogues and events only.

When really, my head is singing, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

My life is not all drama all the time. But it’s not perfect all the time either.

And most of the time, I wish I were more open about things, like I used to be.

Question is, do I want to be that person. Am I really still that person? Do I mind if some random stranger thinks I’m not that skema person they thought I was?

Because in truth, anyone who’s met me in person knows that far from skema, I can be crazy. In fact, most times, I am crazy.

Oh, youth, where art thou?

I really miss that free spirit.

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