June 10, 2014

beyond content.

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm just beyond content.

It's like nothing can really make me any more happier than I already am.

Well, okay, no doubt I have my crazy cravings for handbags, yes, crazy because I want 3 different colours of the same style and type, just the thought of owning more clothes makes me high and I love good food, but at the end of it all, I'm really happy as-is, even in the absence of those things.

Life, at the moment, is just really wonderful.

And it's at times like these that I find a void in my brain; I'm supposedly happy, supposedly grateful and supposedly ecstatic with the way things are turning out with my life (which in all honesty, I really am!), yet for some inexplicable reason, I can't seem to appropriately express my happiness (in words) without it coming across as me being indifferent or nonchalant or totally opposite to what I am feeling. 

While I have absolutely no problem pouring words out of frustration, happiness seems to have the opposite effect on me, which is fine because this isn't exactly new to me as I've always been this way, but it is still just as frustrating considering how happy I really am!

Gah, isn't it ironic that my happiness is making me annoyed? Faham tak ketidak logikan fikiran ini???

Well, whatever the case may be, I'm going to continue with this post, so you'll have to excuse me if I seem a little peeved (in my post) despite my (actual) happiness.


We're already half way through the year 2014.

And I guess it's just one of those days where I feel like there's a need to do a "semakan semula sasaran" for all the things I had aimed for myself earlier this year (excuse all of my work terms being brought into my posts, I pretty much breathe, eat, sleep them, so yeah).

Have I achieved what I had set for myself this year? Did this year turn out as I thought it would? 

Well, yes and no, I guess. But in a good kind of yes and no. 

I entered this year having only one simple resolution, which to be responsible for my own happiness, which I think many would think to be absolutely silly because how can you aim for something which should come naturally for every person?

Well, I thought so too in the beginning, but believe you me, happiness is actually a force to be reckoned with. I mean, take this post for example; didn't I say that I was am happy and yet, I still have problems showing gratitude for it? Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to change about this year.

 And through the 100happydays challenge I signed up for (which I successfully completed on my Instagram *bow bow*!), I was able to achieve at least 85% of the happiness level I had aimed for this year and I think that's pretty amazing, considering the fact that it's only June!

What's even more amazing is that my happy spirit seems to have trickled down to all other aspects in my life in a way I never thought it would.


So, question is, did I do anything differently this year to achieve that one thing I aimed for earlier?

Oh yes, of course I did.

I had to change many innate characteristics in me; things that I thought were naturally me, so they should not and could not be changed, which apparently should and could be changed.

I also managed to identify one of the things that made me most worried i.e. money and made a pact with my husband to not splurge unnecessarily on each other be it for our anniversary or birthdays and even for our son's birthday and I had a huge reawakening from sticking to that pact - it was definitely an eye opener which changed the dynamics of our family, which in turn, has made us really, really happy.

This year, I also revived the inner "kiasu" in me. For a while, it took a backseat until I recently suddenly realised what an idiot I was to let all those missed opportunities pass me by. I got up from the dream that things will eventually fall into place naturally because let's face it; you don't expect something to just happen, you have to make it happen.

And based on that premise, I became the go-getter I once was; I went out to get the things I wanted, I worked on them and prayed that they would turn out as well as I had hoped for or better, I took my head out of the sandbox and then I faced my fears. Turns out that those fears were mere games my mind played on me, which makes them totally and completely baseless!

Which brings me to the next thing I did this year; which is to realise the true potential of the brain that Allah has given me. My modus operandi so far has been to look at things "mind over matter". Anything the brain can think it, the body can do. And so, I have pushed through each and every day and found that there's always time and energy for everything, if you put your mind to it.


Having said all that, is there a downside to being all... positive?

Well, of course.

 The downside of being all positive is that you forget that there's only so much your body (and even mind!) can take. 

With every happiness I was blessed with, I was equally tested. There are times like yesterday when I just fell really sick without a reason and there are times like today when I feel so overwhelmed to the point that I just don't know what to feel anymore, that make me realise that it's either time to stop or slow down because Allah will not give you what you cannot handle, so you must be sure to never bite off more than you can chew. 


Be that as it may, if I had a favourite year to pick apart from the the year when I turned 22 (which was 7 years ago), this year (so far) would be it.

And yes, that's how good this year has been to me.

So, Alhamdulillah. Let's hope the next half of 2014 will be as equally happy, exciting and blessed. Amin to that!


Anonymous said...

Say ... make me any more happy .. or make me any happier ...

Haneesa said...

ooops my bad. sorry if it's an eyesore grammar police ;)