skin.

My eyes are really, really drooping. I am very, very sleepy. But I’m still here, up and alive because this thing has been playing around in my head for the whole evening, I know I won’t sleep soundly before writing something about it. I’m weird like that, so let me be.

Remember we all used to be teenagers? And some of you readers out are still teens especially if you have not yet reached the big two-zero. Point is, we’ve all gone through that adolescent stage; the only difference being— you enjoy it, or you don’t.

Some people loved their high school years. In fact, those were the best years of their lives that it defines who they are. They knew from high school that the people they are now are the people they always knew they would be. Well, good for them.

I hated high school. I didn’t hate the school; just the things I did not do and the things I could have done but didn’t and couldn’t. It’s something like this love-hate which is very difficult to explain. Though some of the best things happened there, some of the worst did as well.

Point is, back then when I was in high school, I was never at peace with myself. I guess alot of us weren’t at peace with ourselves, actually and not many of us were exceptions. I wasn’t happy with the way I looked nor was I happy with the way my brains functioned. I mean, I think I would have studied differently if only I knew my capacity back then, but I just didn’t know. You get what I mean?

It takes really long for one to be at peace with oneself. And it took me 22 years to do it. At the age of 22, I rarely cared about what people I did not care about thought of me. I just came to that point when I stopped minding about what everyone said and started focussing on what I had to say about myself.

Prior to that magic age, I always felt inadequate. In fact, I was even ashamed about the things I did. For example, when my (now still) bf called, and I didn’t pick up because I was performing my prayers, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I was praying. I know! Shame on me, right? And when I went out with my friends, I was always ashamed to tell anyone that I loved “kueyteow kungfu” or “nasik goring paprik” because I always thought that cool people didn’t eat all those stuff; that they only ate fast food or went fine dining all the time. I know! I’m such a nutcase, aren’t I?

I also became extremely brand conscious, because part of me always thought that cool people don’t buy bargained goods. I tried to follow trends because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. I felt inadequate that I didn’t wear make-up. I was always comparing with what other people had, thinking that I had less. I know! I’m such a loser for having the lowest self-esteem possible.

But all that is behind me now.

I am so comfortable in my own skin now that I don’t really care. Okay, that would be a lie. I care. I care about what I look like. And I do care about what the people I love think of me. But I’m no longer afraid to say, “I didn’t pick up the phone because I was praying and read the Quran after that.” I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a Sungai Wang Junkie, because I’m a crazy bargain hunter and Sungai Wang offers nothing but BARGAINS. And did I tell you how much I love to haggle?So what if it doesn’t have an expensive label, eh?

I’m no longer afraid to admit that I LOVE burger bodoh-bodoh (that’s what I call burger ramly) because I now know that we are all humans and just started working and don’t have THAT much money and well, no one can stand eating McDonalds every day, though I know of one girl who’s on a PB diet right now!

I’m so confident now that I simply blurt out silly little songs in the car (which are not playing on the radio mind you!) even if I’ve got the lyrics all wrong. I also ask more questions now, no matter how silly it makes me look. I want to know, so what’s wrong with me asking?

It’s good to laugh at myself nowadays and knowing that you can make others (whom you care about) laugh as well is a bonus.

So, this goes out to my little sister, who I know is having trouble coming to terms with herself sometimes. It’s okay. I may not be a beautiful swan now, but at least I’m a prettier duckling. And you have so much more, so make sure you grow into a beautiful swan okay?

And to all girls and guys out there who feel inadequate because you think you’ve got less than everyone else; THINK AGAIN! The only time you’ll learn to love yourself is when you are at peace with yourself.

When even the smelliest I-hate-to-mandi skin is the one you’re most comfortable in. Just like me. :)

Monday is good! (so far)

On a lighter note, the reasons I love these girls are endless and last night, they just added more reason to this real big love I have for them.






Terima kasih Kesayangans. I heart you people loads kerana menspoil saya dengan berjaya sekali.






And look what I got from Jakarta! Krispy Kreme, uhuh. What a way to start my Monday morning. Syiok! I guess Anak Boss keeps promises after all, aw, so sweet. :)

office, office, office. shut up office.

The thing about work is that there will always, always be office politics. It can be the very dirty I-bodek-you type, it can be I’m-not-very-good-but-I’m-a-parasite-type and it can be the very, very dirty type, where one does everything, against all odds, against all logic to satisfy their lust for money, sex and position.

I hope I will never be put in that position. I pray to Allah that I will never be one of those to sway to the dark side just because I want more money or more substantial work or a better position at the office.

The other thing which comes out of office politics is office gossip. It’s a bit sick because at times, I feel like everyone’s life is under a microscope. One wrong move and that’s it. one minute they’re your friends and the next thing you know they’ll be looking at you top to toe, analyzing, judging, gossiping some more.

Sometimes, those who are subjected to the unscrupulous stares can do nothing more than pray for the best. The worst part is that these things happen to those who look like they don’t deserve to go through so much hardship in life.

Why is it that all the bad things always happen to those who are so good, it’s almost unbelievable?

And why do people have to talk about other people? I understand if it’s out of genuine concern, but sometimes, it’s apparent that everyone just wants a piece of someone else because feeding off gossip is the only way to make a Monday morning, or any other morning for the matter, alive.

I wish people would just stop.

Kesian dia okay.

tapi kalau orang-orang yang wajar dikutuk sehingga ada KSFC tu takpe. sekian terima kasih.

sekali lagi :)

I’m off to melaka again!
Official business this time, but still :)
I’m hoping for loads more fun.

because Melaka is just Melaka.

If you knew me well enough, you’d probably know that I have this unfathomable love for Melaka. Not only did my love story begin there, but Melaka in itself has so much to offer. Initially, there were major screw ups in plans (on my part, obviously) but I’m glad everything went well. We met good friends, ate good food, laughed at our own jokes, made a statement (as you will most probably see in the pictures I will upload), laughed some more, ate more good food and basically, you can see that I am lost for words when it comes to Melaka because Melaka is just Melaka, no other description needed.

I finally get to continue my Tiga Jay Series (Jonker, Jiki And Jalan-Jalan) so yeay for me! The only thing I’ve missed is probably the infamous KueyTeowJiki, because we ran out of time and (tummy) space, so that means, I’m probably going back there pretty soon.

Thank you to all those who made my weekend one of the most exciting and interesting ones yet! Congrats to Lissa on her marriage and all the best! And to the both of you (not Lissa and her hubby), I hope you work things out (I know you know who you are). We all love you! Tak tipu, okay darlings :). Jangan sedih sedih lagi oaky :)

i was the one who said it would be okay.

When one advises another about something, or tries to console someone about something that’s bugging them, more often than not, those words of comfort are to console the one giving the advice. Welcome to my world.

There are alot of people in my phonebook who constantly message me or call me to tell me things or ask me for words of comfort. Hell, I’m even called Kakak for that very reason. No, honestly, I don’t mind. In fact, it’s good to know when people look for you even for the simplest of reasons such as whining.

But in between those comforting lines I say lays my own fear, or probably own denial of the emotions I know I would not be able to control properly. Like, say for example someone is scared of the quality of their performance, and they tell me about it. And I tell them its okay.

Actually, I’m hoping that I’d be okay if I were faced with such disappointment.

And when the entire week I’ve been telling someone that “if ada rezeki, adalah” and when I’ve been saying, “it’s okay”... all the while, I was comforting myself more than anything else.

Because after all, we had dreams about what it could have been if things were okay after all.

And although I keep on telling myself that I’m used to LDR and that we’d probably need some getting used to if we were so near, who wouldn’t want to go dating every weekend?

I’m probably telling everyone I don’t mind it because I don’t have a choice. I either suck it in, or suck at it.

So, yes, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because I said it would be okay.

Now, the one who’s not okay is me.

all i see.

This morning I heard the news on Mix.Fm. It was about the Smiley in the Sky. Yesterday, when we were heading back home after dinner, I saw it in the sky. I thought my imagination was pulling tricks on me. Apparently not. I am so happy to be part of history.

There was this time last week when I thought of clouds and wondered if all those tortoises, knights and flowers I saw in the clouds were just my imagination.

Kids can see so much more than we can perasan tak?

Because when we were kids, we always saw things in the clouds, we always saw everyone as a friend, we always imagined friends who weren’t really there.

I realize now that I can no longer see anything in the clouds anymore. I try so hard sometimes but I still cannot see what I saw 20 years before.

Is it because we are trying too hard now, that we can no longer see what we want to see?

Now, this is all I see.

second time around. i am officially done.

>
1^st December was my second convo. Since it was the second for me, it didn’t feel as exhilarating and as emotional as before. It was great because my parents came and all of my good friends were also there. Since it was my second, I wasn’t so skema anymore and ended up eating while waiting for our turn. And Hadi conveniently (walaupun I actually would not have been able to finish the hashbrown and mega sausage mcmuffin without him) munched on my food while I was doing the same. Thihihi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And we went hopping from house to house. Adlin-Mami-Mine just so we could join the dinner that night at Chillis. The crowd was disappointing. In fact, the organizer himself did not show up. Oh, well. But it was all in great fun anyways. We were laughing hard, gossiping even harder, passing food round the table like nobody’s business. Asking for refills of drinks and tortilla like crazy. I’m sure we were really high by the end of the night.

I’m still tending to my “hangover” (la sangat)

masjid orang lain.

Last week’s news was also a tad bit traumatising. And also disappointing because we’ve heard about it so many times before. Only this time, it hit quite close to home. I believe that the only people who can break a woman are other women. It’s as if your best friend and you best enemy is vested in the same person. I believe that young women can’t help it if they are young, carefree, and energetic. I believe that’s who most of us really are.

I believe that we also cannot help wanting to try on new clothes and putting on some make-up to make us look pretty. We cannot help but to want better things in life; more money, better car, better job, and better everything. We cannot help it that we want adventure; that we have so much drive we can’t contain. Trust me; I’m a young adult as well. I know there are certain things we just can’t help.

Because being young makes us that way. Being young simply makes us want-able and probably more loveable and probably also a lot more refreshing than our mothers could possibly be.

But thereare things which we can help. We can help by not flirting with someone else’s husband. We can help by striving harder and praying harder that our luck and rezeki becomes better. We can help by dating people our own age and working our ways up the ladder together. We can help by RESPECTING those older than us no matter how boring they seem, or how saggy they are or how utterly unpretty they may seem to their husbands.

Robohkan masjib orang tu seronok sangat ke agaknya?

my projek purse kuning.

>I’m anticipating that today is going to be a really slow day; that is unless of course I get something new on my plate. Today is my Monday.

Last week was both tiring and exciting. I’ve been away from the computer for almost a week now, thus the non-update. Projek Purse Kuning (actually known as CASTLE) was a great success bar a few glitches. But we couldn’t have hoped for anything better than the smiles on the kids’ faces and the appreciation they showed us just for spending the weekend with them. They played games, they laughed, danced, got presents more than their mini hands had room to hold, ate well, and hugged us really tight. They basically had so much fun, I’m sure they’ll remember the event always, always.