“Marriage is like the dark. We are scared of it, we face it anyway and eventually, we find solace in it.”
By Asar, both Luqman and I manage to nap; probably fatigued from our tears. I try not to, but I can’t help it; each time Luqman cries, I do too. Because I know he is searching for his Daddy. Sometimes, I catch him looking at our bedroom door, just waiting expectantly for his jolly ol’ Daddy to come bouncing through, being all funny. But, ah…
Come nightfall, the loneliness becomes overbearing. I switch on all the lights, all the fans, the TV, the ventilator and everything else imaginable.
Just so the silence does not become deafening.
I want to do a million household chores, but the moment I get out of Luqman’s sight, he cries his lungs out. Eventually, I give in to his cries. If there is this huge void in my heart, I cannot imagine how big of a loss this is to him. So, I carry him, cradle him and tell him it’s okay. In between my tears, I manage.
At one point after drinking his milk, he got tired, rolled onto his tummy and stared into space. He eventually fell asleep on his own.
I slip away from him, did what I could and finally, I too went to bed. We both went to bed berselimutkan the last kain pelikat my husband wore that day.
I know that crying won’t change things, it won’t stop him from going and it most definitely won’t stop the whole programme. Life must go on. So, I must get a grip, and move on too.
But for now, I’m going to give myself some time. Nobody said it was easy.
So let the tears begin.
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