October 01, 2012

Day 1: Get a Grip, Move On.

“Marriage is like the dark. We are scared of it, we face it anyway and eventually, we find solace in it.”

By Asar, both Luqman and I manage to nap; probably fatigued from our tears. I try not to, but I can’t help it; each time Luqman cries, I do too. Because I know he is searching for his Daddy. Sometimes, I catch him looking at our bedroom door, just waiting expectantly for his jolly ol’ Daddy to come bouncing through, being all funny. But, ah…

Come nightfall, the loneliness becomes overbearing. I switch on all the lights, all the fans, the TV, the ventilator and everything else imaginable.

Just so the silence does not become deafening.

I want to do a million household chores, but the moment I get out of Luqman’s sight, he cries his lungs out. Eventually, I give in to his cries. If there is this huge void in my heart, I cannot imagine how big of a loss this is to him. So, I carry him, cradle him and tell him it’s okay. In between my tears, I manage.

At one point after drinking his milk, he got tired, rolled onto his tummy and stared into space. He eventually fell asleep on his own.

I slip away from him, did what I could and finally, I too went to bed. We both went to bed berselimutkan the last kain pelikat my husband wore that day.

I know that crying won’t change things, it won’t stop him from going and it most definitely won’t stop the whole programme. Life must go on. So, I must get a grip, and move on too.

But for now, I’m going to give myself some time. Nobody said it was easy.

So let the tears begin.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


Melissa said...

Awww, how long is the hubby going away for ? Hang in there, take one day at a time. InshaAllah. Hugs !

Raieza Hanim R said...

Kak, hang in there k? I know you'll hear that line a lot of but yea, stay strong.
The first few weeks will always be the hardest. Now Luqman, be a good boy to Mama now :)

Haneesa said...

melissa: he's going to be away for 6 months! hahaha. probably with a few breaks in between where he can come home, but still, after being married for a year plus, a home ain't a home without your better half right? i'm hoping i won't break down too often! thanks for your kind words, though :)

ieja: it's only been 2 days but i'm countdowning to the end of 6 months already. haha. so far, Luqman has been a gem! Alhamdulillah. merengek sikit biasalah kan :) hopefully things will get better :)