January 08, 2012

The Hormone Casserole

These days, I find that it’s easy to turn my “tap” on, causing me to be flooded in my own waterworks. I find that my staring into wide places and blank spaces can initiate thoughts in my head, which in turn would make me want to cry (or worst, actually cry) and it’s tough to turn that “tap” off, no matter how much or which way I turn it.

I’ve tons of posts sitting idly in my drafts section, but each time I read them, I feel like a complete hypocrite. Everything that I’ve written since the New Year seems removed or superficial; like something I just wrote for the sake of writing, when in actual fact, there’s something niggling at the back of my mind, which I can’t quite put a name to, which, depressingly so, I can’t seem to shake off too.

I’m scared to admit what it is, but at the same time, I know that if I hold it in any longer, I might as well go crazy already.

All I know right now is that that “niggling feeling I can’t seem to shake off” is causing me unnecessary irritability. I easily snap. I am acutely aware of the fact that I can’t seem to accept that some things, no matter how much you wished they weren’t, can’t be changed. And yet, despite being aware that I should not be feeling so, I still feel that way, no matter how much I tell myself not to.

Do you know how confusing that is? I just want to let them go. It’s exhausting.

At least was a good thing that I managed to get my much neeeded 28-day rest at the end of last year, as that was my only wish before 2011 ended. And still, I find that my fatigue had not subsided with ample rest.

xxx

Perhaps I am reminded of how near my EDD is, now that we're in 2012? I don't know. Either way, all I know is that I'm scared of the changes that are going to come my way. Don't get me wrong - I love this kid who's now having a ball in my belly. Like love, love and love! But things are going to change, aren't they? Things between my husband and myself. Scares the living daylights out of me, I tell you.

And that makes me cling extra close to him, wanting have him all to myself 24/7. All I can think of is how scary it is to be facing all that change and how I wished we could just make time stop for a while, go somewhere, spend time together, just the 2 of us, get to know each other better. Just the 2 of us, no interruptions.

Crazy isn't it? But that's what this crazy hormon casserole is all about at the moment.

And though I wish I could change the way I feel about things, I know that I can't. So be it. I know that this is probably just a phase I'm going through and I'll be fine in a while.

For now, I guess my husband will just have to deal with me clinging to him like a bubble gum. Heee ;)


Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

No comments: