you will always be my baby.

As he falls "out of love" with me... or rather more in love with everything else in his life... I find myself falling more and more in love with him and his antics. 

My "baby" is now officially no longer an infant, nor a toddler. He is a preschooler -- and one who does me proud with how well he's growing up. 

As I spent time with him on his 4th birthday (2nd April 2016) and received numerous throwback posts and photos from FB, I became more and more convinced that all the time, energy, sweat and tears we have spent on him is totally worth it (I know I've said it before but yeah I just can't seem to say it enough, I guess...).

I'm not really sure how we got from those rough patches in our relationship to here... but I can no longer imagine a life without him. And I'm not sure now who's the one who needs the other more... though I'm not ashamed to admit I might be the one who's more needy. 

You may have outgrown my lap, my boy, but you will never outgrow my heart. 

And in my heart, you will always be my (first) baby. Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love... and for always making me work towards becoming a better version of myself. 

We love you so much baby, you know we always do. 

considering a different kind of binge.

38 weeks this weekend, which means there's about 2 weekends to go before I pop -- if all things go well, which I obviously continuously pray for.

Speaking of praying... 

The other day, I thought about how much I would miss praying when in confinement because well, most of us would have to go through a period in which we wouldn't be allowed to pray, which in my case is normally really long.

I noticed that most pregnant women would binge-eat before they gave birth because they say they would miss all those "forbidden foods" during confinement and OF COURSE I am no exception, but somehow... after that revelation, I kind of thought maybe I should consider binge-praying too.

Sometimes though, I notice how people (sadly other Muslims) make making prayer seem like such a big.unattainable.deal. that people taking baby steps like myself tend to believe that our baby steps are just not enough. 

Thing is, who are we (humans) to decide whether or not one's prayer is enough? 

"Our Lord descends during the last third of each night to the lower heaven, and says: 'Is there anyone who calls on Me that I may respond to him? Is there anyone who asks Me that I may give unto him? Is there anyone who requests My Forgiveness that I may forgive him?'" -- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D; Reclaim Your Heart

I talked this out with a few of my Very Trusted and I was encouraged when they told me to carry on. After all, "amalan yang disukai Allah, adalah yang terus menerus (istiqamah) walaupun sedikit...". Well, at least that's what I've gathered from my reading.

And although I've got to admit that maintaining consistency is difficult, I'm also happy to report that these one-to-one prayer sessions have borne fruits -- and better still, immediately, unexpectedly and precisely -- as in specific answers to questions and requests. If you asked me, that is A M A Z I N G, to say the least. 

Well, anyway. Here I am at (almost) 38 weeks, still standing. It's been a somewhat different third trimester experience for me this time round and although I am hoping that my labour would be just as uneventful as the last, I think I am mentally prepared if things don't turn out the way I want them to because "Allah knows and you know not...". 

I'm on the final leg of this journey so please do wish us the best of luck! 

hormone casserole

Have you ever felt like one?

I certainly have and am certainly feeling like one right.this.moment.

Totally not cool, if you asked me, especially if all waterworks began right after my husband told me "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?"

So.Not. Cool. And ironic to say the least.

Thing is this always, always happens when he's been home more than "normal" -- like when he comes home in the middle of the week for meetings in HQ or he's home for more than 2-3 days, for example.

Thing is, I love him being home! I mean, OF COURSE I love it when he's home. But the parting makes it SEEM like I don't like it that he's home for more than "normal" because it will inadvertently end up with me in tears! And believe you me, that tear-streaked, swollen eyes-nose-face combo does not make a pretty sight for sore-eyes, especially not in the wee hours of the morning, when someone is about to begin a 4-hour long journey!

My husband's confusion after I broke down this morning after he said "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?" was so apparent... just thinking about it (in retrospect of course...) makes all of this seem so funny! Of course, when it was all happening, it wasn't so funny, because right now, I know that I just sounded and looked so silly, haih. But at the time, I just couldn't help it, please!

I (partly) attribute this to my being pregnant of course... and only partly because crying really is my special power, if I ever had to declare any hehe. Plus it would be so unfair to unload all the blame on Adik Baby for all these tears because clearly, it isn't her fault at all.

It's just that... with 16 days (more or less) to go, I'm really not sure how I should feel.

I'm really not sure if there's enough time to do the things that I have to do like stock up home-cooked food for my boy since he's such an eater and he loves.my.cooking (at least for now, because he doesn't have much of a choice hehe). Plus the fact that there's no packed hospital bag all set and ready in the car (GASP!), which kind of makes me want to kick myself in the teeth, yet at the same time, I'm so beat at the end of the day, I kind of feel like I should cut myself some slack.

And the funny thing is that... I am at the moment, making such a big deal out of the silliest, smallest things -- like whether or not I actually bought that bunny rabbit cap for Adik Baby in the first place?; or whether or not I'd be able to get that cute little cupboard I've been aiming for before I give birth?; or whether or not I'd be able to eat that lovely mango lassi-fruit combo which my ex-boss treated me to again before I go to the labour room; or when I would be able to get all the ingredients needed to make that parfait (probably the only thing I'm craving at this point); or whether I should get a whole month's stock of disposable panties and how much sanitary pads and panties should I be getting again? -- I've gone without my period for so long now that I have forgotten all about them. 

Eh, wait, what on earth am I supposed to bring to the hospital? I've been googling way too much on what not to bring that I now officially don't know what I should bring. And bila nak cuci breastpump parts and bottles ni???

Can you sense my panic? HAHAHAH.

Maybe I should consider going out for lunch. Like right about now?

Sheesh, I think I really am going nuts! Like a walking waddling human hormone casserole!

over the weekend

When we first started planning, there were 2 main questions; (1) are the kids invited; and (2) would I be too heavy to make it?

And as it turns out, the answer for both -- is YES! 

While the first made me jump with joy (not literally of course hehe!), the second "yes" made me a little worried. I am, after all 37 weeks pregnant. Be that as it may, I made it! Because missing her wedding (though not really by choice!!!) is making me feel bad enough already, so I was determined to try not miss her Hen Party -- unless I popped sooner.

But, oh, how tame we have gotten with our parties! Not that we were ever that wild to begin with (probably the wildest being Sunway Lagoon? Eheheh) but still... our Hen Parties have now been "reduced" to 3-hour tea parties with plenty of good food and selfies (and trying our best to retain our sanity while we tried to keep our children well-behaved -- probably to no avail, haih!). And while things have changed completely wherein we no longer jump from one activity to another because we're really not sure where we should park the kids meanwhile... the great company hasn't at all changed. 

 It's not like we haven't changed -- we have; it's just that we all somehow did it together (despite being physically apart) and embraced whatever it is that we have become and are becoming and we were all set to have a good time, in whatever little time we had. 

In my opinion, that spells quality over quantity all over, which is mighty fine with me!

So, here's to wishing Faizah a life time of happiness... and patience hehehe. Because the road ahead will be wonderful and eventful ;)

Here's The One for the album courtesy of Nadira!

been such a long while since we had a full quorum, so this was momentous :')

tiger mom.

If there is anything that I am not, it would be a TIGER MOM. 

I don't know whether it's because Luqman is only 4, or because he does really well in general in school and he gets what I am talking about if I randomly question him about his lessons or because I grew up with a tiger mom myself hehe and see so much of myself in my son... bottom line is, I just can't be a tiger mom -- at least not yet.

I keep telling myself that it is okay because he's only 4, but then again, that's the same thing I said last year when he was only 3! In fact... last year when his teachers told me that he refused to do one of his worksheets during their mid-term assessment in school, I told the teacher that it was okay because he's only 3. I mean, seriously -- I don't expect him to even sit still for more than 5 minutes, what more to complete a whole worksheet without incident! Hahaha.

Not sure when I'm going to start taking his lessons more seriously, but for now, I'm kind of just letting him play because I feel like that is the best for him, for now. I am so worried that if I apply too much academic pressure on him, he might just get bored and he might lose interest in learning altogether, which I believe is far worse than not getting good grades in preschool.

I really don't know if I'm doing things right... but at the moment, I'm kind of happy that I am not comparing myself to other tiger moms out there who I am sure, also want the very best for their children, but whose children's make up are also very different from mine. 

I might change in the near future and that's okay... but for now, I'm happy with the way things have worked out for us. Many might beg to differ with my methods but on that note, maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. Hehe.

*note: writing this because Luqman has a test today and we spent the whole evening yesterday at the playground playing instead of studying. Hoping I won't get complaints (again) about him not cooperating during test time because though I frankly don't care if he doesn't get 5 stars for his test (for now hehe) I do really care if people think he has a bad attitude!

the name searching game.

The best thing about my housing area is that it is filled to the brim with growing families, just like mine! That means that Luqman is never short of friends, even after he returns home from school. The best part is that they're the type who actually play as in play outside like we did when we were kids, which I very much appreciate... because as you probably already know, I'm so old school liddat =.="

Anyways, most of them have siblings of their own already, so there are days when they compare notes about their respective adiks. 

Yesterday was one of those days when they were talking about their siblings' names -- much to my son's chagrin because he only calls his sister as Adik since we haven't told him her name yet -- and sometimes, we tell him that it's RAHSIA -- because he really is the last person you would trust with a secret. Semua dia bagitahu kepada semua orang! 

I mean like, I know people will eventually know Adik Baby's name but well.. you know, hehehe. 

ANYWAY, back to yesterday. 

While they were talking about their adiks' names, Luqman came up to me to give me a hug and kept asking me whether Adik Baby has a name, to which I responded with a shushing motion (finger to lips kind of motion) but unsatisfied with my reaction, he kept reassuring his friends that she too has a name. 

When he couldn't stand it any more, he finally said out loud, 

"HEY ADIK SAYA PUN ADA NAMA. NAMA DIA RAHSIA KAN, MAMA?!"

 And Luqman doesn't even know what RAHSIA means! 

Oh. My. God. 

Kesian anak aku (^.^;;;;)

Just for the record though (just in case you're wondering, which you're probably not hahah) it's Baby A, for now. And it's really nothing fancy. In fact, after we confirmed it's a girl, my husband gave me the liberty to go crazy with the name searching provided that it has the one name we've earlier agreed on even before we had children and that is has a good meaning. But so far, we're satisfied with our simple choice!

Hoping that the name we chose is a good one for her, amin! 

full term.

It's my second pregnancy and I'm still not very sure how the weeks are counted. All I know is that by the end of this week when I go for my check-up, I will be full-term -- 36 weeks.

Since I kept my pregnancy a secret for quite some time and my belly is relatively small as compared to the rest of some other pregnant mommies out there, most people who have just discovered my pregnancy, which is when I started to really show some time January/February, think that I'll only be going on my maternity leave some time in July. 

ha nah! bukti!

I, on the otherhand, feel like I've been carrying Adik Baby like...  forever! Like I said in my previous post, I feel heavy and tired and sleepy all the time! In fact, over the weekend, I looked so round that an honest little boy (probably Luqman's age) came up to me and asked me, "Kenapa Acik gemok?" -___-"  So, in a way, I really can't wait to see her and finally hold her in my arms!

Having said that though, I do hope that Adik Baby will go on to bake in the oven for as long as she needs before she makes an entry into this world. Karang asyik cakap heavy and tired and sleepy all the time, dia merajuk and come out before its time sebab merajuk pula, ha! 

Anyways, I didn't buy that many clothes this time round (although my husband will beg to differ -- well, what's a mother expecting a girl got better to do when she's left unaccompanied at any shop selling baby clothes, kan? heheheh) and all those clothes have already been pre-washed and folded. I just haven't had the time to put them into my hospital bag yet!  *panic*

Speaking of necessities, there are quite a number of the bigger things which I have yet to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, among others including the breastpump. Friends on FB already know the tragic fate of my Medela Freestyle which has been declared to be beyond economic repair and my frantic search for a new breastpump (sadly other than Freestyle) which works well and wouldn't burn a hole in my pocket. So far, with the help of my fellow friends, I have managed to shortlist 2 which I might get and I'm just waiting for the right time to get them i.e. this weekend so that the warranty would run from a later date -- closer to my EDD. 

Other than the breastpump, I am also seriously considering buying a cot. We do still plan on co-sleeping, but with Luqman conquering the bed most nights, leaving my husband and I with barely any space to sleep on (plus all the jumping and ruckus and stunts he does on the bed) I definitely am not taking any chances. We had a playpen, which I decided to just leave at my mom's so that all her cucus would benefit from it, which we can re-use, but I feel like it's not very practical for breastfeeding moms -- especially if Adik Baby wakes up every 1-2 hours like her brother! =_='

And finally, one of the other bigger things which I hopefully can cross off my list is my confinement lady. The last time I came out from confinement, I felt... tired. Padahal I stayed with my mom and didn't have to do anything apart from feeding Luqman. This time round, I told all families that I'd like to try it on my own. Not that I don't appreciate them wanting to help, but I'm a big girl now. Plus, my paramount consideration is my children's comfort. I want Luqman to continue going to school and to not miss his toys and books and his familiar surroundings. I also hope that by staying in our own home, we (Adik Baby and I) would  be able to acclimatize faster to being on our own and stick to a schedule which would suit us all best. I've actually paid a booking fee to my confinement lady and now I'm just hoping that all things work out well when the time actually comes. 

I sound so much like a second time mom, don't you think? Hahaha. The things which used to matter so much back then don't really matter that much these days -- which makes me feel somewhat old, but at the same time, so much more mature, which I think really isn't a bad thing at all. 

Now, I just hope that everything will work out fine in the end and that Adik Baby would be born healthy and happy like her big brother. 

Here's to being full-term! Congratulations Adik Baby, for making it this far! :)

without a doubt

Without a doubt, when adult companionship and conversation is scarce during the week while waiting for my husband to come home -- the struggle is real. Without a doubt, when I sometimes lose my cool and the temperature rises between us (re: Luqman and I) both, we've had to go through our fair share of fights, causing bucketful of tears and teary nights.

But on days like today just last week, where laughter was free-flow, hugs were aplenty and sloppy kisses abundant, I think about all my early motherhood hurdles, my sleepless nights and constant worrying and remind myself that even though good things take time to reap after they are sowed, they are, without a doubt, (wonderfully!) worth it after all. 

These are the last few of my weeks alone with Luqman -- and somehow, unlike how most mothers feel, I am not feeling sad about the fact that he will be getting a sibling to share with me soon. More than anything, I'm mostly excited!

Although some days he acts out in rebellion (especially after a trip to the mall where everything is about buying his Adik's things) and tells me outright how he only loves me and not his Adik, most days, he ADORES her and talks to her like she's already born.

There are endless kisses to my growing belly despite his constant mocking of how huge my face is or how big I am in general (you have no idea how cheeky he is and I have no idea where he gets it from *stares at husband hmmm*) and their unilateral conversations are really, really comical plus he's really, really protective over this little girl now growing inside of me -- that I feel lucky and blessed to have such an understanding firstborn. His jealousy and antics postpartum is something we'll just have to embrace and deal with later when the time comes.

I'm really excited to meet my little baby girl too! -- because I feel like I'm so ready for this -- and also because I'm feeling so heavy and lethargic and sleepy all the time hehe. I know things won't get any easier when the newborn is actually out in the "real world" but still doesn't turn me off from wanting to see her and hold her in my arms and plant kisses on that face which she is so intent on hiding. Can you believe that the last time I saw her face during her scan was in December? Thereafter she wouldn't let any of us see that face! Grrr!

Anyways, speaking of being so ready, I really actually am not sure how I'm going to fair as a mother of 2. The endless possibilities scare me -- how it's going to change me scares me -- how it's going to affect us all scares me. Having said that though, I am trying to study every early motherhood hurdle I had to go through previously in hopes that I would be able to jump through them more gracefully this time -- or better still, eliminate the hurdle altogether.

But if despite all my efforts I'm still met with either a different set or the same set of obstacles along the way, this post would be here to remind me that at some point, all of it, without a doubt, is worth it. Wonderfully worth it.

Like really, with this (or better 2 of this!) to come home to, why wouldn't it be, right ;)

 

 

muka gembira makan roti krim coklat.

basic, but specific.

re: last post

Some people don't mind slogging on housework but for me personally, it is one of my biggest sources of stress. Come to think of it, among the reasons why I was so stressed out after the Big Move last year is because of the never ending laundry (I'm serious, it's a valid reason, it's not even funny!). So these days, I am not afraid to tell people that I reach out -- that I ask for help -- and that I don't slog. That I just can't.

Like I said in my previous post, even my husband knows that I need support.

Most people will tell me that since we're a couple, we should give each other support, people on Facebook will forward to me articles on "Tanggungjawab Suami Isteri" and the likes and while I know and appreciate the extra knowledge I get from those articles and scholarly sayings, I also know that to each their own -- and that support comes in many different forms.

Thing about me is that while I know I need support and the support I need is basic, I also know for a fact that my kind of basic -- is specific. 

 Specific as in -

Clothes are washed, hanged and dried in a certain way --  food is prepared in a particular way -- and my kitchen is later kept clean -- yes, you guessed it -- in a very particular way. My dishes must be thoroughly dried before they are kept in the cupboard and hear this -- they MUST be returned to the (specific) cupboard(s). NOT to be hanged out to dry forever and ever and ever no matter how many times you're going to reuse them in the future. And oh, I wash all my place mats after every meal -- simply wiping them and leaving them on the table until the next meal will never do.

My idea of a clean floor is one which is mopped with water (only water) at least 3 times. I don't care much for the floor cleaner and how nice it smells, I care more about whether or not the floor is harbouring dust. 

I care about how often towels and telekungs are washed -- and by my standards, Luqman's towels which I pack for him to school must be washed daily because we don't know with whom he's had to accidentally share with while he's there (which is the reason why he's got 9 of those. Yes, 9!) and ours go into the machine weekly.

Our water bottles are washed daily -- and every single part of Luqman's water bottle is dismantled so that I can clean the cap, the body, the straw and each little part before the next batch of plain water is filled in (which is the reason why he has 3 different straw cups and bottles for when he needs water while the other bottle is being washed and dried). The same apply to his milk bottles -- they are at least rinsed before the next feed (at night) and washed after each feed during the day -- also dismantled from top to toe. 

My bed must be made. But I don't like just anyone in my room. I also don't like people touching my things and changing its order without my permission.   

I don't have OCD (okay, maybe it's selective OCD and I don't know any better) and I know some thing's have got to give, but still there are things which I can never give up on. 

Now as for specific emotional support --

I appreciate presence in a comfortable silence. 

It's so simple, but it's really not.

Sometimes, people think that all the "comforting" and "words of wisdom" are necessary at the most crucial times such as labour and the "wee hour morning goodbyes with my husband" or when I'm having a heated argument with Luqman, for example -- but I guess it doesn't always apply to me. I appreciate if people let me decide on whether or not I want to deal with my sorrows on my own or in a crowd -- and I really appreciate if people would just pray for me when I reach out (especially online).

So, how many people can give that kind of (specific) support? Even some well meaning family members can't give me that.

And because of that, unless that support is in the form of a maid, or someone who is paid/commissioned to do specific jobs for me in those specific ways, I can't tell them what to do and how to do it -- because that someone could be family -- and the last people you want to hurt (no matter how unintentionally) are your own well-meaning family. Not that I plan on hurting my maid/confinement lady if I get one in the future but you get the drift, right? That if someone is commissioned and paid to do something for you, it is alot easier to tell them your specifics. That it makes alot of difference because you have some form of control over how things get done in your own home.

I scare myself with my own requirements sometimes, but being alone has opened up my mind to my own disabilities and shortcomings -- and has made me brave enough to know and admit how difficult I can be to please.

Which is why, when my husband suggests support, I tell him that there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Because as basic and simplistic as I may be, my idea of basic -- is rather specific.

Now, I've just got to figure out how to fulfill them.

--___________--"

more complicated than I seem.

Do you prefer traveling at night or in the mornings?

I don't mind either. 

So, why don't you travel at night so that you have some time to rest before you go to work?

So that you won't cry.

But I will cry regardless - it has nothing to do with night or morning. 

No, what I meant was that I don't want him to see you cry.

xxx

But yesterday, despite my best efforts, I cried -- in front of him -- I cried. The day's events were just overly overwhelming. No one hurt me and no one made me cry -- at least not intentionally -- I just did.

I know that sometimes, he says the darnest things -- things he doesn't at all mean, but there are times when his words just cut through my heart like a knife and it baffles me as to why I'm so hurt because hey, let's face it -- he's just 4!

It may just be my raging hormones. It may also be my way of telling him how hurt I feel when I see him cry. It may just be my fear of the unknown -- of the time when there will be 2 of them to deal instead of just 1. It may also be my guilt towards the new baby with whom I'm already feeling like a total failure with even before I've started!

My husband tells me that I need support. I tell him that in reality, there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but there are times when I can be more complicated than I seem. 

little things that mean big things.

I just turned 31 on 12.02.2016 but it kind of feels like I've been celebrating for a while now already.

It began with - 

Ms. Cherry Blossom wheeshing through our gates with an unexpectedly meaningful "symbol of love", so to speak, which has made us fuss over it silly. 

Then, came his trip back to us, bearing gifts -- (1) of his arriving home safely; and (2) the thing which I have for a long while now, been needing so very badly. 

On The Day itself, came a bouquet of flowers through my door with a really funny delivery story -- which then lead to a colleague discovering that that day was my birthday. 

So, after lunch, they (my colleagues) cheekily sneaked up on me in my room bearing cakes to surprise me.

-- only to be surprised in return when a certain "someone" (re: Luqman) crept out from under my table, where he was previously napping. 

The string of all things good seem to have some spillover effect on the weekends -- where our time was well spent with friends and family. 

And the only bummer was probably my having to watch my husband drive back to where he came from while I got all teary (yes, 1 month in the arrangement and I'm still pretty much a crybaby).

This year, we didn't take the obligatory leave to celebrate as we do normally. And nope, we didn't plan on anything fancy.

Instead, we embraced life as it came and gave each other what we needed the most -- which is our presence, our patience, our love -- and each other. 

-- and of course, all the little things that mean big things that matter.