everybody's changing.

Reminiscence.

I began today with reminiscence. I probably will begin everyday with reminiscence from now onwards.

I left old songs to loop and eventually, I left Everybody’s Changing to play on its own.

It was such a long time ago. It has been so long since the last time I heard that song. But that doesn’t make the song any less important or less significant in any way.

Nice song, isn’t it?

It’s a wonder how songs can affect us and how some songs can tell us more stories about ourselves more than the rest. And although that chapter of my life has now passed, I still remember some things every time it plays. Hmm.

Moving on. Work has been kind of hectic of late. I have been sleeping a lot and have trouble waking up every morning. The weather is to blame, of course. It gets so cold at night that the only thing you can think of the moment the alarm rings is to snuggle deeper into your duvet because that seems like the right thing to do. Although it’ll cost you and you know it. We’re such weird creatures, don’t you think?

But be that as it may, we all change. And right now, everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.

But that’s okay. We’ll all change and we won’t feel the same. And that, we can’t control.

What we can determine, though, is whether for better or for worse.

I’d go for better, any time. Of course, dengan izin Allah. InsyaAllah ;)

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waiting outside the lines.

I was an athlete back in school.

I ran 4 x 100 in school. I was always the first runner. But that was not because I was the fastest but because I insisted. I insisted because I couldn’t grasp the concept of someone passing the baton to me.

I had to be the first one passing the baton.

Don’t get me wrong, I did try once in a while to receive the baton rather than being the first to pass it, but more often than not, I dropped the baton when I received it. No matter how ready I was, I was always taken by surprise. Somehow.

I know why, though.

The baton came from the back and I was running forward. Sometimes, I had to look back to see if my teammate was coming any closer. Then, I would see whether or not she was slower or faster than the other teams.

And that makes me lose my focus and of course, lose my speed. I know now that being the subsequent runners is a skill and an art. My job as a first runner was only to begin and to make sure that I was the first team to reach my second runner. But of course, that doesn’t make me any less important of course.

Because I was always the first to face the music. I was always there at the starting line. The white chalk beneath my spikes (or at times, just bare feet) unnerved me. Foul starts made me want to vomit. I felt the burning sensation of sprinting even before my sprints began.

And when I finally reached my second runner, I’d have to wait with bated breath until my last runner makes her victory run. Or not.

Somehow, that athletic streak stuck with me up until now.

I find comfort in the burning sensation in my chest every time I run out of breath. Disturbing, I know. Only now, I am a lone runner, sprinting. Just sprinting.

And right now, I feel like I am at the starting line, just like old times. Complete with pre burning sensation and everything. And after so many years of practice, I still can’t be taken by surprise.

Except good surprises, of course. Even then, I’d still cry.

I’m waiting just outside the lines. For good and better reasons, I am sure of, insyaAllah.

I’m waiting. I’m waiting.

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the memory keeper.

It’s a long lunch hour and here I am in the office.

I do not know what is causing me to not want to go out during lunch hour but I have faith that it is a good reason, whatever it may be.

I have eaten my lunch and I am in the process of fattening myself up. I think everyone around me will grow fat with all their attempts to make me fat because they are eating along with me. It’s a sad and kesian story for them, but well, it’s a true story.

Every time I go online, it’s like I have a thousand words all ready in my head.

It’s just sometimes, I find that I am lost for words despite those 1000 words. I am in a reflecting mood. I am reflecting all that I have done in the past years, way back to those times when I started to remember. I am a memory keeper.

After all these days perhaps couple of weeks I have been away from my blog, I have come to realise more and more that I am a memory keeper and that I have this storage in my head whose capacity I cannot gauge. There is so much in here (my head), I’m not sure whether I love it or hate it at this point.

Point is, I am in a reflecting mood. I am thinking of all I have said and done and I wonder about how it has affected people, in general.

So, now that I am here, reflecting and remembering oh so many things, I would like to apologise for all that I have said and done. Because I am sure that there are other memory keepers out there as well who simply cannot forget or let go of what I have said to them or any wrong I have done to them. Intentionally or not.

Memory keeper needs to get back to work right now because memory keeper was not paid to think of memories at work. Memory keeper is way random today. Way random.

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when did it all start?

When did it all start?

I wish I knew the answer, but does it really matter.

Someone asked this rhetorical question which made me wonder.

I think it began when we all grew up (and got our drivers license). It also reached a total high a year before Atuk’s passing. He always brought us together. Whether we liked it or not. What a wise man he was.

We grew up and found comfort in knowing that although we are all different and can never ever quite be the same, we are who we are and we love each other as is.

Sometimes, you make my heart soar, sometimes, you make me sad. But ultimately, the constant factor is you. All of you. You make my heart melt with all your silly gestures and you make me think about the things I have never thought of thinking. You people inspire me to a point where I wonder where all those little girls have hidden and the things you have been through to get to where you are; the things that have made you grow.

You people make me cry yet kiss my tears away the moment they roll down my cheek. You people teach me that love comes in many different forms. And with you, I find comfort in the silence that engulfs us. Bile rises in my throat every time I think of us. Sometimes they are happy thoughts. Sometimes, they are sad ones.

I read through old blog posts and messages and wonder; how did we get from there to here?

So much has changed. But that’s what life is all about isn’t it? Change. Inevitable. But it will come to you. Whether or not you like it.

In years to come, will we change more than we will it? Definitely, I can guarantee so. But whether or not for better or for worst is something only we can determine.

I don’t know why I came up with this post, but its probably because I got these pictures. Credits to Sarah. Photos from 27112010 at my house for Kenduri Doa Selamat and Tahlil.

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fact.

A penny for my thoughts,

Oh, no. I’ll sell them for a dollar,

They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner,

And maybe you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing,

Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening.

-The Band Perry

How true.

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divine.

Yesterday was nothing short of amazing. It must have been one of the best days of my life so far. What a great, great day it was; from start to finish, everything was just amazing. Amazing.

You’ve never really seen me lost for words. Now, I am.

Friends are family we choose for ourselves, and I am more than glad I chose all of you.

Yesterday was what I needed and it was so much more.

Much ♥

You are all amazing.

Trust me, I will come up with a longer post than this, just not now okay, lovelies ;)?

Teaser should suffice for now :)

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I’m sorry.

I have been brought up in way where we were taught not to bitch about each other, as much as we possibly could.

I have been brought up in a way where we all acknowledge that life is not a bed of roses, or rather;

life is a bed of roses, with all the thorns on and still intact.

And so, when we have a problem with each other, we thrash it out. And my, my, my. It gets so painful sometimes. But we always emerge better. We always emerge stronger. We always emerge with love, oh yes, so much of it, you have no idea.

And that’s the way things go and are still going ‘til this very day. We try as much as we can to not bitch about each other because that’s just not the way to go.

So, when people pull faces at me when I do something wrong and expect me to understand body language of some sort (distancing oneself from me etc. for long periods of time) and expect me to actually broach him/her like I acknowledge that there is a problem, I refuse to do so.

Because to me, if you’ve got a problem, say what you need to say to me. Or forever hold your peace.

So, when I found out about something unbecoming that was happening, which I didn’t like, as it is an issue closely related to me, I decided to practice what I preach. I broached the issue and confronted the subject.

The thing with me is that I like to imagine what things would be like before they actually happen. So, I play and replay the scene in my head before I actually went on with my plan.

But it didn’t turn out to be the way I imagined.

It turned out to be better.

Sometimes, we’ve got to look back at all those old idioms and know for a fact that they were created because they are true and based on countless observations of mankind.

Honesty is the best policy.

I went along with that because I knew that I couldn’t do it any other way for me to heave the burden off my chest and shoulders.

And like I said, it turned out different. But it turned out better. Because all I did was to say what I needed to say in earnest. Because my aim for that meet was for him/her to find out exactly what it was that I thought and felt and most importantly, where I was coming from.

And I was coming from nowhere but the heart.

And thereafter, I aimed to never have a grudge about the issue or person anymore since I know that grudges and hate suck the life out of me like Dementors do. My aim was to clear the air and I did just that.

Alhamdulillah. I feel so much calmer now. Thank you.

All because I did it in earnest,

and because I had a clear aim of what I intended to achieve.

Now, let's put that smile on our face, and move on :)

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happiness.

Someday you'll turn the radio on, I hope it takes you back to that place,
When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress,
Think of my head on your chest,
And my old faded blue jeans.

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liaison.

A piece of my mind.

I hate to talk about work because I know there are silent readers at work who actually read this and when they meet me in the office, they either look me straight in the eye with the “I know” look or evade me altogether because they know things about me, some of which I don’t really want people to know.

But like I said, I write. And I have tried to go private with this blog before and that didn’t help with anything at all.

So, I don’t care. Let’s talk about work.

We are currently in the process of organising some event for Mid December. Organising yourself, organising a trip, organising events and organising events at work are all different facets of the same thing; each with their own modus operandi, each with different requirements.

Thing about organising events at work is that it is work, so there are certain procedures you need to adhere to and a lot of people who get away with just about anything. And then, there are people like ME, who do EVERYTHING.

For the past 2 weeks, my phone has not stopped ringing. People with queries, people with problems, people with doubts, people with no money. All kinds of people. I am a people person, so really, I am okay with that actually.

What I am NOT is someone who TOLERATES people who aren’t team players. I mean, it’s easy to say that you don’t know how to do something and just play dumb isn’t it? When people ask you whether or not you are used to organising events, you can simply say NO and get away with it?

What the Hell?

I can’t and won’t say the same because I know how capable I am and can be, but sometimes, when people get away with just about anything, just because they say they DON’T KNOW, that pisses me off BIG TIME.

I wonder what that huge paycheck is for? Isn’t it for you to learn things which you don’t know? Isn’t it for doing everything that your boss asks you to do? IF I CAN, I DON'T SEE WHY ANYONE ELSE CAN'T.

If someone of such stature can just act dumb AS IF s/he REALLY does not KNOW anything, whereas, all that person is doing is to not care enough to actually LEARN, I don’t know what is going to happen to us.

THAT BIG PAYCHECK CAN BE PUT TO BETTER USE. LIKE TO COMPENSATE FOR ALL THE LONG HOURS I SPEND AT WORK TO LEARN WHAT I DON’T KNOW. AND TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THAT I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE.

I sometimes just give up with the system where people get away with anything.

Oh, oh. The best part is that when it comes to showing that you actually DO some work, like being the liaison officer for some big shot, LAJU GILA JE.

I GIVE UP. Lebih baik berhenti kerja je. No, not me, but those yang tak buat kerja sungguh-sungguh tu.

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jump baby jump.



the one i like is a combination of number 7 in first picture and 4 in second picture.



Fashion and I, we have never really been in tandem.

I have gone through years before now, where I tried hard to be someone else, so hard that I even dressed (or attempted to) dress like them and now that I am more comfortable in my own skin, I figured that I should, by all means, wear something which I am most comfortable in.

After all, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Since yesterday was my (window) shopping day, I wanted to try many, many things on. But of course, you only have so little time and so much to do, so I couldn’t. But I made it a point to try the one thing I have always wanted to try on – jumpsuits.

I’m scrawny.

Though I don’t really believe it when people tell me that I’m small because I’m not the small kind of small as in Super SS kind of small, but like I’ve mentioned before, I have to, to a certain degree admit that I am scrawny because of my disproportionate body stats.

So, anyways, we went to this shop called Message. Some of their pieces are like dirt cheap! They can go for as low as RM9 per piece at times. But the jumpsuit I saw didn’t cost that cheap, of course. But I tried it on anyway.

I’ve got to say that I was surprised with the reflection I saw in the mirror…

In my head, I never thought I would look like I did yesterday. Although I did make fun of the jumpsuit at first,

“Adik, rasa-rasa seluar dia nampak macam seluar PJK kita masa kita kecik-kecik tak?”

“Adik tak rasa ke bontot Akak nampak macam jatuh pakai ni?”

And Adik goes,

“What bontot?”

“ T_T" ”

*Cry*

Anyways, I went home happy and satisfied, knowing that the one thing I have never really considered wearing, but always wondered what I would look like in, actually looked good on me. I am actually contemplating about buying it, although I wished it didn’t cost as much as it did.

Korang weekend ni apa theme colour dia? *grins sheepishly*

Where are we going? And what’s the plan? My mom has given the green light. Do I need to wear something new or something blue? Hahaha. Mengada.

Because that jumpsuit is navy blue. *drools*

Probably I should stop at OU after work today.

Oh, did I already mention how lucky I feel to have a little sister? Adik, tak payah la pergi sekolah :(

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We’re taking everything off.

genius.

Yesterday, I got my very much needed break.

My siblings brought me out (although I was the one who drove), HAHA and we headed to One Utama, where else. One Utama, the “playground” which I have not visited for eons now since OnlyGodKnowsWhen.

Since I was a little jakun and the Year End Sales have begun, I think I stopped at almost all shops to try this and that. Shoes are selling like hot cakes and the prices are so reasonable I felt like bagging everything that I liked! But of course, I didn’t.

That’s because I had something else in mind. Adik went shopping earlier last week and she was one happy monkey when she came home, alright. Turns out that she bought new girly-essentials for to-die for prices! I didn’t know how therapeutic buying girly-essentials could be. That was until yesterday, of course.

I mean, I have always known that splurging and spending money can somehow make you one happier cow, but buying girly-essentials brings you to another euphoric high altogether! I kid you not. I got 5 girly-essentials for an amazing price and I feel amazing. The salesgirl was really helpful too and I’ve got to say, she’s got some class. She picked all 5 girly-essentials in all kinds of colours and I bought them all. It’s as if she knew my taste or something!

Next time you go to Audrey , Parkson One Utama, look for Cynthia. She’s a great salesgirl. She also doesn’t make you feel so awkward when she teaches you how to wear it right.

Gee, I really had no idea they could make me so happy. Haha, you can count the amount of exclamation marks as proof of how excited I am.

Yes, I know that the promotion has ended, but I still think that they are priced more reasonably than some other brands even when the sales are not on. And I’m sure there are more promotions to come in the future because hey, this is the Year End Sales period, isn’t it?

I sure do love this period, alright ;)

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