February 21, 2008

it's complicated

Today, I had the liberty of replying my birthday messages which are long due, and I also had the freedom of browsing aimlessly through other people’s pages, being the curious me. In every page I happen to click on, something intrigues me; be it the type of pictures or poses people take, the things they disclose in their profiles and the most interesting is to see the changes they’ve gone through. Some people have gone from downright innocent to hot babe. Some have culture shock written all over their face. Some hide behind a happy facade, some try to make their lives look more interesting, some people’s lives are just interesting, good for them.

In the profiles of people I actually know, I also see their status changing. For about more than a year now, or probably longer, my status on friendster has been “it’s complicated”. Some people have gone from “in a relationship to single” vice versa and from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated”, vice versa. Sometimes, I wonder what people think of when they click on “it’s complicated”. I can’t remember what I was thinking of, besides the fact that my other half had opted to click on the same thing. Perhaps we agreed on it just for fun.

After having gone through pages and pages of other people’s profiles, I came to realise that there are some of those out there who had clicked on “it’s complicated” for a valid reason. Their relationships do look complicated. It’s not just the fact that they no longer take pictures together; hell, I don’t care, I hardly ever get to see me my other half, so I hardly ever take pictures with him as well. But, I don’t know. Sometimes we just know things just by looking at the surrounding circumstances, I guess? And from those circumstances, we come to the conclusion that things are complicated; much, much more complicated than whatever uncomplicated my relationship is in.

And so, my point is that I am changing my status right now, today. I am in a relationship; a happy relationship of almost 3 years. Happy, in love and blessed, regardless of the fact that our relationship is a far cry from perfect. I am in one, so, I will say that I am in one.

February 20, 2008

frustration

Oh, yes. A week has passed already since the day I turned 23 and yes, I still am receiving birthday presents. Just this morning, my firm mates presented me with a prettily packed package, which, when I opened, caused me to jump with utmost joy in seeing the content. They gave me a notepad cooler. Now, how cool is that? So, thanks to them, I no longer have to elevate my laptop manually using whatever books I can grab around me to avoid overheating, as I’ve got 2 very well functioning fans to do that for me.

Ouh, besides, this year alone, I received 4 dresses and an Arsenal jersey as my birthday presents. I don’t know where to wear them to because I’ve nothing to do other than going to classes, which requires me to wear black, white and grey all the time. But I sure am ecstatic about the fact that the 4 dresses are superbbbly to die for. The colours, the cutting, everything is just perfect. I guess I’ve got a good excuse to go out more often now so that I can dress up.

And this year, I can’t even start to count how many birthday celebrations there were. My housemates did one for me at the stroke of midnight, my firm mates brought me out on my birthday along with Faten’s firm, we were surprised by my classmates with a joint birthday party the day after my birthday, Cik Dinie tricked us February babies into coming to a party at Chillis on Friday (of course with the help of Mami and the girls’ respective partners and the rest who came to celebrate us). And lastly, us girls had a belated birthday picnic in Shah Alam just last Sunday to celebrate growing old but being young at heart.

The only bad thing that happened was that the pictures I took with my sister’s camera were automatically deleted when I tried to copy them, and so, I’m left with no memories of those happy moments, other than those in other people’s cameras, which I hope I would be able to copy and post soon.

And right now, apart from the terrible sore throat, the non-stop sneezing and a mild fever coming my way, I’m absolutely content bar a few things which cannot be helped, one of them being the distance, which is somehow or rather taking a toll on our relationship (at least in the opinion of this very paranoid mind of mine.). It’s strange how mysteriously distance works, you know. All this while, it has NEVER really posed a problem on us. We’ve always been accepting and content with the fact that he was in Malacca and that I was in KL. But this time, it’s just different. The fact that he’s in Penang makes it even more difficult to comprehend what I’m feeling. It makes all this paranoia ever so irritating, knowing that I never was that kind of person to be so afraid of where I stood.

It’s even more irritating knowing that I can’t be there in 2 hours; not anymore. It frustrates the hell out of me that I can’t do anything about missing him. Do you get what I’m trying to say? I don’t like feeling like I need to talk to him every hour of the day just because. It never was in me to be the clingy type. I don’t like it when the question “when will I see you again” is indeterminate. It’s frustrating, it’s making tears fall for no valid reason at all, and it’s wrecking me emotionally.

I thought I was stronger? Or am I just going through a phase of adjusting to these changes? Help help help. I don’t know what is becoming of me...

February 14, 2008

Turning 23


And so yesterday came and left, and today is coming to an end, too. But I’d have to say that these past 2 days have by far been the best yet. I can’t even start to express how grateful I am to everyone and everything. It seemed like fate was just leaning more on my side making these 2 days ones which I cannot even start to deduce into words.

Thank you for all the wishes; to those who just popped their heads at the door just to wish me. Thank you to Hadi for singing a birthday song in the corridors every time he passed by my class and every time he saw me walking (or running everywhere and to anywhere). Thank you for those who messaged and called to just tell me they remembered me. Thanks to Fai for downloading Que Sera, Sera for me because I really badly wanted the song. Thanks to my firm mates for gathering our friends together for an outing to celebrate my day. Thank you to them too, for the very, very beautiful cake which I did not have the heart to cut in the beginning. Thank you to my friends who spent last evening with me. Thanks to Lee for the wonderful birthday present; he managed to make me look pretty in the photos though I’m really not.

Thanks to my classmates for buying a cake for the February babies and one January baby and surprising us this evening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot thank everyone enough and I hope I have not forgotten to mention anyone. These people make growing old something to look forward to.

February 09, 2008

surreal, isn't it?

I hate departures. I hate it so much because it is the main reason why I’m such a crybaby. I cry when going back to Shah Alam after hugging Mama. I even cry when my bf goes back to Melaka. And now, I don’t even want to start you all imagining on the many pails that are retaining my tears; the fact that he works in Penang. And tomorrow, my best friend, confidante and only brother will be leaving for Australia. It seems so surreal at this point. We all used to think of it as a future event which would come eventually, but never this soon. I think even he can’t face that fact yet.

We might have travelled to some parts of the world, but it’s always been together as a family, never without one or the other. But this time, it’s going to be very, very hard to say goodbye. I don’t know how many more pails I’ll need so that I don’t flood KLIA. But I’m glad that we’ve all ironed out our differences and realised the true meaning of family. I feel blessed the fact that our family is so close-knit that the saying “blood is thicker than water” applies precisely.

I don’t know what else to write. It all seems surreal, that’s all. And I don’t need to write all this but I feel like I want to. What would I do without him? Would he be the same when he returns? Would I still be his confidante and him, mine? Would we be able to talk as always? Would he still love me as he does when he returns? Would he? Would he?

Surreal isn’t it how fast time flies. Am I entitled to be a little bit emotional over this because it’s just too difficult to accept how fast time flies and how rapidly things are changing. Argh. I feel like crying already.

February 05, 2008

X, Y, Z

For someone who is blessed with a week long holiday, I sure am busy with tonnes of assignments to submit right after the School reopens. I’m currently working on my Evidence assignment (not because I like the subject or THE LECTURER (especially)) but I just plan on getting it done before I head home because the book is just too freaking thick to be lugged around everywhere. Evidence is actually quite an interesting subject to learn, only if the lecturer were a good one and only if I knew what to put into this assignment since it seems like the question requires us to copy everything in Augustine Paul’s book. I actually feel like submitting the whole textbook, to be honest.

Other than that, I’ve counted and we’ve all got 8 assignments to submit after school reopens. Since I’ve already wasted 2 days of my weekend, I’ve only got 5 days left (oops, 4 days because 1 day will be dedicated to dating a guy I have not met for 2 months) and that means that I won’t have the time to get all things done. Why the lecturers give us so much work remains a mystery to me, but I guess I’m not really in a position to complain.

And I’m not normally the type to complain about lecturers because I have been taught that no matter how bad their teaching is, the fact remains that they are educators and they do have something to share. The thing is what if the lecturer is one who is totally and completely unethical to the point that it is almost impossible to bear?

As you’ve already guessed, I will not mention names because that’s just something I can’t do and will not do. But I know that a lot of people have sentiments of their own regarding this person, X, me being one of them. I know that this person is in a way powerful owing to the fact that his connections with the people upstairs and the people from other varsities are somewhat superb in comparison to the rest of us. But what gives X the right to act like such a big-headed, pompous scumbag? The whole purpose of coming to class is to learn and I think that X should also bear that in mind; that the purpose X comes to class is to give education.

I know that probably X’s efforts are for the benefit of the Law School, etc. , but seriously, when you compromise your main job which is to teach, that really means that too much is too much right? I don’t dispute X’s capability of organising events, I don’t dispute any of the awards with which X has been blessed with. But that does not mean that X can answer ANY phone call in class. That does not mean that X can talk loudly like some pompous, arrogant king, when X is not. The least X can do is to get out of the class and settle all X has to settle. It’s just common sense isn’t it to show the best example possible to those you wish to educate. Isn’t it common sense anymore the fact courtesy and manners are the crux of everything you do. If you fail to show that you at least have some manners, how can you expect anyone to give you the respect that you by right should get?

I don’t know. Probably I’m speaking on behalf of the minority. After having gone through a semester of Honours Programme, I came to realise that politics do play an important role; that without it, probably no one would get anywhere. Lady lecturers just love the boys and male lecturers love it when someone is there to clean and kiss their A*SES for them. Which, by the way sucks because I know that in terms of knowledge and capabilities, alot of people deserve more credit than those who butt-kiss.

But I have come to accept the fact that those who “mengampu” go alot farther than those who study hard like myself. But now, I have to deal with pompous X and this is driving me crazy. Can’t X just let us read our books ourselves during X’s period so that it saves me from all this mengumpat I do after X’s classes?