April 04, 2014

what happens when I don't care.

So, I recently had an emotional breakdown after holding back my emotions and holding in my pent up issues for so long. Coincidentally, that was when the MH370 was confirmed to have "ended" in the Southern Indian Ocean, so that just made my breakdown worse. It was horrible. I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop sobbing, couldn't stop my tears from trickling down my cheeks and basically felt like nothing could console me. 

I was a hormone casserole, a tear avalanche. 

That basically set the tone for the whole week that ensued. I was struggling with my 100HappyDays Challenge though in a way, I was glad that I challenged myself to find something to be happy about every day, because it avoided me from being overly depressed. 

And because it was such a sombre week, by the time the weekends came, I was so much more tired than usual. So tired that that particular weekend, I decided to take a break.

So, on that Saturday (29th March), while I was drifting off to sleep, 

I thought about the laundry - undone
I thought about the dirty floor - undone
I thought about the drinking water - unboiled.
I thought about lunch - uncooked.
I thought about the house - a mess.

"You can get these things done if you don't take a nap, you know?", says my version of Jiminy Cricket (don't know who? look it up!)

And thankfully, even with my Jiminy Cricket bringing me on a roller coaster guilt trip, I decided to ignore it and I SLEPT. Like a baby, I slept. I knew for a fact that the house couldn't run itself, but I knew that I couldn't run on depleting batteries either. Was I going to regret not doing housework when I had the chance? Probably. But did I regret taking that break? Never.

To hell with the house, to hell with undone.

What's important is that I woke up a different person; a better one

I woke up appreciating my husband's and baby's laughter, I woke up wanting to hear them call me, when just hours before, "Mama" was no longer music to my ears. I was alot more efficient in my movements and no longer felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. And most of all, once the fatigue waned off me, I no longer felt like I hated the life that I chose.

***

I guess this was bound to happen. I was going on and on and on like clockwork and it just felt like work, chores and responsibilities would never end. I forgot that they never will. In a house with living people, you're bound to have laundry, dishes, spilled milk and crayon marks on the walls.

Thing is, I just have to learn to not care (too much), so that I have some energy to spare to care for myself.

2 comments:

shueyshoelove said...

you really should come by my house on a weekday. or sometimes on a weekend. complete utter mess. thank goodness for an understanding husband. give yourself a break. we are not robots. *hugs* !!

Haneesa said...

gahh, i think i should take a chill pill, but that was the only time i took a chill pill. i'm now on "bionic woman" mode all over again. don't know what the hell is wrong with me hahahahahahahahahah