Everyday, I try to map out how I anticipate my day would be like.
I kind of believe in the law of attraction so I guess that kind of comes naturally.
But sometimes, there are things I plan which never take place no matter how badly I want it to and it frustrates me and gets me thinking, which then leads me to write to myself in my blog like this. Hehe.
And before I continue with this post, I'd just like to put a caveat to any of my incoming statements as I am nowhere nearly as pious or as learned as our religious scholars and all the thoughts I am about to share are mostly based on my simple logic. But be that as it may, even though I am not that pious, I'd like for you to know that I do like to spend some time with my God everyday. I really do.
So, after each prayer, I try to slot in some time to recite the Quran; sometimes, I get to read 2 pages, sometimes more and other times... I don't get to read anything at all, which normally, is not at all by choice.
Normally, I would wait until all chores are done and everyone is asleep because that way, I would be able to focus entirely on the whole purpose of spending time with my God. There was a time in this year when I was able to do that because everyone (except me) would be knackered by the time it was 10 p.m. and I was able to do whatever I wanted, uninterrupted. When everyone stopped being knackered at 10 p.m., my schedule changed and I then began spending time with my God during the wee hours of the morning when my boys were still enjoying their dream-laced slumber.
Then, there came a time when no one would sleep at 10 p.m. but still woke up in the wee hours of the morning and that's when I became exasperated about the whole situation.
If it was housework, chores, preparing dinner etc. etc., I'm open to the idea of a crying baby following me everywhere, wanting my attention. But when spending time with my God, I can't stand any of that. I really can't. I don't know if it's just me or it's wrong of me to want it the way I want it, but yeah. That's just the way it is.
And because of my inability to spend as much time with my God as I'd like, I started thinking about how unfair it is for women to not be able to pursue their religious interests (on top of other interests, let's not go there in this post), so how was I supposed to get to heaven in one piece in the hereafter if I am unable to collect enough pahala throughout my life on earth?
Do you see what I'm getting at?
I started thinking about all the congregational prayers I can never attend for fear of my son running around unsupervised.
I started thinking about all the religious talks I can never attend for fear of disturbing the rest of the audience with my son's curiousity and incessant need to move around.
I started thinking about all those pages of the Quran I can never read when my son wakes up in the middle of the night wanting no one else but me.
How do I get to heaven if I can never do enough?
I must have forgotten that I'm now married.
Nobody said that congregational prayers have to be performed in the masjid/surau. You just have to have imam and makmum. And poof! 27 times pahala for you!
Nobody said that you would not be justly rewarded for caring for your family. You cook, you clean, you love and you make your family happy so surely there is some share of heaven for you, right? (I hope)
I've also read before that when you kiss your child(ren), you would be rewarded justly with satu darjat syurga. And that when you kiss your husband, your minor sins would be expiated.
And guess what, when you're married, you're even rewarded with pahala for having sex with your husband.
And these are just some of the simpler things.
So, to console myself for the time I don't get to properly spend on my personal ibadah, I tell myself that marriage is the easiest way to heaven.
Because in all honesty, I really do think so. If not, it would be impossible to see the womankind in heaven, kan?
Nah, Sayang. Chilli King Prawn Pasta. Doakan saya masuk syurga, ye?
Please and thank you.