September 23, 2011

Alah bisa, tegal biasa.

If there is one word which could precisely depict this phase in my life, it would be erratic. Seriously, seriously erratic. One moment I am absolutely okay, the next, I’m not. And when I’m not, I really am not.

I’ve sought advice from my mommy friends and they told me to not think too much about it. It’s just a phase and it will pass and the next thing I know, I would already be delivering and that I would want to be pregnant all over again. So far, a lot of people tell me it’s an experience they would like to repeat.

And so, I tried. I tried to go about my life as per normal. As per before I actually found out that I was expecting.

But I’ve got to say that nausea is no laughing matter. And vomiting takes at least 2 days to recover from. So, though I try to keep my head up, think all positive thoughts and images of my unborn child, whom, despite everything, I have fallen deeply in love with, it eventually gets to my head.

I suddenly realise how tiring this early phase really is. Not so much because of the experience but more of because how out of control I am over everything.

I can’t help falling asleep at random times (and places). You don’t want to know how many times I have hid under my table at work and fell asleep because I just couldn’t stand looking at the computer, even, let alone staring at it to get my work done.

I don't even know why I'm so exhausted to begin with. Am I not the Energizer Bunny? *sigh*

I also can’t help that I’m expanding (though finally at places I was once challenged) and feeling absolutely ugly with my new hairdo and figure and all.

There are many things I would like to eat, but there is very little that I can stand cooking without throwing up. And so, we’re really bingeing on take-outs these days. My favourites are pizza and fries.

Oh, and you know what? I can’t even smell my husband’s perfume and I’m the one who bought that perfume for him! How bizarre is that?

The thing that I can’t stand most about myself is that I am currently a 24/7 Burp Machine and also Champion of Fart Fest. Those things don’t exist, but let’s hold a competition amongst pregnant women now, shall we? It’s possible that I’ll pass as Top 3.

When all these things are meshed into this little head of mine and my body feels like it’s alien to me, that’s when I break down. Like how I did this week. Like how I cried and moaned and asked every single day of the week when this will end or if it does actually get better like people say it will.

Despite my cravings to buy new clothes and wanting to blowdry my hair in the morning so that I look nice, I really don’t think I look nice at all, causing me all this unnecessary heartache and paranoia. And when people tell me I look lovely, I think they’re only being kind because I look huge? Psycho much? Uhuh, very, right?

I know things insyaAllah will eventually get better. And I believe it when they say that you’ll miss being pregnant and that you’d want more that one kid because it is an experience so good, it’s got to be repeated. My Mama is living proof. She had it worst than me but she still had 3 kids. So, yeah, I know that this phase will pass.

And for fear of sounding ungrateful and bratty, I did not update on these everyday “nuisances” every single day because I know that they are part of parcel of this process which many would kill to experience. Vomit or no vomit.

I’m approaching the end of my first trimester in about 2 weeks. I hope that I will be blessed with a “textbook” pregnancy where it will all “go away” at the end of 14 weeks. If not, I know that at least my next scan would be able to lighten my spirits up because they tell me that the baby will REALLY GROW from the 10th-14th week.

If it all won’t “go away”, I’ll just have to eventually tell myself that “alah bisa, tegal biasa”.

Maka, bersyukurlah that someone chose me to be his/her parent :)



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September 13, 2011

it's a small world after all.

If there is one thing that I can say with conviction, it would be that I had an awesome, awesome upbringing. Really. Despite hating the house rules once upon a time ago and wondering why everything had to be the way they are, I really am glad that I turned out the way I did because of those “so-called ridiculous” rules.

I think we were always taught to be kind. To not be prejudiced. To be friends with everyone. But of course, with certain limits. Since we all grew up in boarding schools, we also learnt that if someone “stepped on your foot” on purpose, you’re allowed to “step back” on theirs. Just so they know who they are messing with. But if there is anything “cruel” we were ever taught, that was just about it. In my eyes, I like to see it as “survival of the fetus” instead.

And so, we all grew up being friends with most people. I think I can also say with conviction that I have the kindest siblings anyone can ever ask for. And some of the most unprejudiced ones too. Always, always think of where people are coming from. No right or wrong, just different.

Which is why I am sometimes baffled at how snobbish and prejudiced and picky some people can get sometimes. Really. As if smiling will flex their face muscles until they’re ruined. Or saying “Hi” first at a random place will burst their ego or reputation. You know, things like that.

I’ve learnt more often than I care to remember that life is a cycle. When I say it is, I know it is. It’s not just a saying. And I also know that when people tell you to be nice to one another, it’s because you don’t know where you’ll be in say... 5 years time from now. It really doesn’t take that long. And you don’t know when you might need another person’s favour and so, you better not be mean because that person could be the person whose life you made miserable.

To prove my point, I have seniors in school who are now my juniors in Service. Thank God I don’t hold grudges. I grew up with them and there are so many stories I could tell if I wanted, but I won’t.

You really wouldn’t know what’s going to happen. So, say “Hi”. If that’s so difficult to do, just smile. It really is that simple. And it really is a small world after all.

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September 12, 2011

Trust no one.

Recently, a scandal took storm in my office. And no, it’s not the “conservative” kind of scandal where boy meets girl, I just chose to use the term “scandal” loosely, for lack of better word.

I am not a fan of scandals. Really. To that end, I don’t contribute to creating one, nor do I “add salt to the open wound” where one takes place.

Because to me, a scandal is a scandal; it has taken place and there’s nothing that anyone can say or do to undo it. Plus, we’re all grown people, capable of making our own decisions. And to me, the decision made in that particular scandal was personal. It is a matter of choice and preference, which has nothing to do with me.

Only, I have to say that I’m not particularly impressed with the way the decision was made. Because from something which had nothing to do with me, it ended up having everything to do with me due to the circumstances.

If there is one thing I cannot tolerate, it would be irresponsibility and whatever took place recently spells irresponsibility all over. And such irresponsibility resulted in hardship onto others which others most definitely do not need.

Besides that, there’s a myriad of theories being passed around, some involving people around me and it affects me somehow because people talk.

What’s worst, some very irresponsible people have managed to “keep the fire ablaze” somehow, by not letting this thing pass. And when some quarters refuse to let things pass, this matter will never hear its end and we all live in fear that everything we say and do will somehow or rather, in some way, at some point in time, be used against us, by people we least expect. Even when we don’t deserve that kind of publicity.

In the end, the best bet is to trust no one. Which most definitely does not guarantee a thing. But the best thing. At least for now.

May this scandal pass. And quickly. I'm tired and I can't wait to move on.


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September 07, 2011

Altered.


I have become an altered person. Increasingly, I find that there are many things I love which I don’t anymore and there are many undiscovered wonders, which I have found joy in. Like a pack of Ligo Raisins for example.

Besides being totally and completely altered, I have also become preoccupied. Totally and completely. Preoccupied and in fact committed with making myself feel better for the benefit of all.

You see, life normally takes you through this “course of nature”, where one thing takes place after the other. And naturally, with marriage, people next expect “comes the baby carriage”.

And 8 months, 3 HPTs and 2 doctor visits later, I was confirmed pregnant.

It’s been a while since I knew. In fact, it’s been a while since everyone around me sort of... “knew. It got to a point where they wanted to get me tested because I have never been that sick ever. It got to a point where everyone just let me sleep on a working day, sometimes past 3 p.m. on a Friday because I looked so weak. Everyone “knew”. Especially those who are mothers.

I was the only one who was too cowardly to test. For fear that the line does not turn blue like I want it to.

But after so many queries, even from friends who simply guessed by reading my blog posts and tweets, I thought, “It could be my turn. This could be my time.”

It’s funny how instincts work sometimes. Some time end of July just before Ramadan, I told my husband about the non-existent HPTs in our house. I told him that it seems like every married couple kept at least ONE in their medicine cabinet and all we had in ours was pills and vicks vaporub and the likes. So, he obliged and bought me the twin packed Clearblue.

When my worst reached its peak, I decided to pee on the stick. Because mind you, I really have never been that weak. Or that sick. In fact, I have never been that sleepy. So, if it wasn’t pregnancy, I knew that I had to get some medical attention. And fast.

And in about 3 seconds, the line turned blue. A clear, clear blue, just as the name suggests. Of course, I had doubts. Fears, even, that the HPT was faulty. So, I read up on the Clearblue website and it confirmed that without the existence of HCG in my urine, the test would have turned out negative. So, a week later, I tested some more. And on the day I went to see the doctor, I tested with Clearblue Digital. Just to be sure.

You may wonder why I was so doubtful.

I mean, for most women, them missing a period is indication enough, right? Thing is, just before Ramadan, my “period” did come. Only when I scanned my tummy at the clinic did I know that my baby already has a heartbeat! So, turns out that my “period” was mere spotting (which I kind of guessed but didn’t want to get my hopes too high at that point). Thus, this previous post.

And so, there goes. We are both ecstatic about this! You can’t even start to imagine how ecstatic my parents and siblings and in-laws are too. Of course, I’m a bit scared, but having this little friend growing inside me, whom I can talk to everyday whenever I want because s/he is always there overrides whatever fears that I have. In fact, I can’t wait for the next scan because I can’t wait to see how much s/he has grown!

I already know how much I love you, even before I met you. And I so can’t wait to plant sloppy kisses on your cheeks come April.


Alhamdulillah for the heartbeat. And for my growing belly, with my little growing friend inside of it.

:')


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