Altered.

I have become an altered person. Increasingly, I find that there are many things I love which I don’t anymore and there are many undiscovered wonders, which I have found joy in. Like a pack of Ligo Raisins for example.

Besides being totally and completely altered, I have also become preoccupied. Totally and completely. Preoccupied and in fact committed with making myself feel better for the benefit of all.

You see, life normally takes you through this “course of nature”, where one thing takes place after the other. And naturally, with marriage, people next expect “comes the baby carriage”.

And 8 months, 3 HPTs and 2 doctor visits later, I was confirmed pregnant.

It’s been a while since I knew. In fact, it’s been a while since everyone around me sort of... “knew”. It got to a point where they wanted to get me tested because I have never been that sick ever. It got to a point where everyone just let me sleep on a working day, sometimes past 3 p.m. on a Friday because I looked so weak. Everyone “knew”. Especially those who are mothers.

I was the only one who was too cowardly to test. For fear that the line does not turn blue like I want it to.

But after so many queries, even from friends who simply guessed by reading my blog posts and tweets, I thought, “It could be my turn. This could be my time.”

It’s funny how instincts work sometimes. Some time end of July just before Ramadan, I told my husband about the non-existent HPTs in our house. I told him that it seems like every married couple kept at least ONE in their medicine cabinet and all we had in ours was pills and vicks vaporub and the likes. So, he obliged and bought me the twin packed Clearblue.

When my worst reached its peak, I decided to pee on the stick. Because mind you, I really have never been that weak. Or that sick. In fact, I have never been that sleepy. So, if it wasn’t pregnancy, I knew that I had to get some medical attention. And fast.

And in about 3 seconds, the line turned blue. A clear, clear blue, just as the name suggests. Of course, I had doubts. Fears, even, that the HPT was faulty. So, I read up on the Clearblue website and it confirmed that without the existence of HCG in my urine, the test would have turned out negative. So, a week later, I tested some more. And on the day I went to see the doctor, I tested with Clearblue Digital. Just to be sure.

You may wonder why I was so doubtful.

I mean, for most women, them missing a period is indication enough, right? Thing is, just before Ramadan, my “period” did come. Only when I scanned my tummy at the clinic did I know that my baby already has a heartbeat! So, turns out that my “period” was mere spotting (which I kind of guessed but didn’t want to get my hopes too high at that point). Thus, this previous post.

And so, there goes. We are both ecstatic about this! You can’t even start to imagine how ecstatic my parents and siblings and in-laws are too. Of course, I’m a bit scared, but having this little friend growing inside me, whom I can talk to everyday whenever I want because s/he is always there overrides whatever fears that I have. In fact, I can’t wait for the next scan because I can’t wait to see how much s/he has grown!

I already know how much I love you, even before I met you. And I so can’t wait to plant sloppy kisses on your cheeks come April.

Alhamdulillah for the heartbeat. And for my growing belly, with my little growing friend inside of it.

:')

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