September 22, 2007

angry-o-meter


I have to stop being so angry. I really have to. To begin with, I’m not so sure what ‘m so mad about. I think it might be a result of accumulated anger that I have been safely containing for the past 10 weeks or so. Because truth to be told, I don’t think I’ve been this emotionally wrecked before. I don’t think I have been acting this way at all in the past 10 weeks at least, and my acting like this is affecting everything in my life.

I don’t know. It’s affecting my Ramadhan and I don’t like that at all. I don’t like waking up in the morning already swearing away at an anger that just wouldn’t go away. Perhaps it’s just a test to see if I can take control of that anger by the horns and not let it take over me.

But why does it have to be so hard? “… Nobody said it was easy…” fine, I know, I know. Nobody ever said that it was going to be easy. But no one ever said that it would be this hard. I’m not saying that what I’m going through is freaking, freaking tough to the point that I cannot handle. It’s just the fact that it’s making me emotionally tired that’s taxing.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess I’m lost for words already. I don’t have much to say. To begin with, I don’t have much of a life either. So, yeah. There goes. A mindless entry from a good girl gone bad. I miss the old me. I don’t want to be angry anymore :((

September 19, 2007

there goes

I’m seething and it’s only 6 in the morning. I’ve got so much anger I don’t even know where to channel it. I’m not even sure I can channel it. I’ve been saying so many harsh things of late. I’ve been acting tough. I’m tired. I give up trying to make people, people. That’s because they refuse to try to be useful people. Let’s say I’m surrounded by “dungus” who don’t work like I work, and who don’t think like I think.

And just in case you’re still wondering why Malays are still down low in the society, stop thinking and come here where I am. Then, you’ll see why Malays will never go anywhere; simply because all they know is how to be a clerk.

No offence to the good ones. But there are only a handful of those, who can really be relied on. The rest? Dream on! With their complacency, with their time wasting talking about crap, with their laziness, you can just dream on. They’re not getting anywhere. And even if they get anywhere, it would be at other people’s expense. That’s because that’s exactly what they do. They ride. That’s all they do. They don’t drive. And it’s not that they lack the drive. They just don’t. So, yeah, go figure dungu.

I’m at that stage when niceties don’t work with me anymore. Small talk isn’t a thing I want to be making. Work is all I am thinking about. And when I give out work, I expect it to be done. WELL. And when I delegate, I expect them to think like I think. But noo. All they’re ever going to say is that… “… ala.. dia SP bole la buat kerja cepat-cepat… sebab dia SP…” YOUR ASS DUNGU.

I’m human too. And guess what. My anger indicator has reached the danger zone. It’s going to take longer than long to cool down. So stop being a dungu. Because there goes my Ramadhan, thank you.

September 04, 2007

office politics

I can’t even start to describe how terrible I feel about this entire thing. I’ve never felt so lowly, not to mention cheap. I’ve never known myself to be the type of person who would buy herself out of something because I know I am the type who accepts her wrong, even if the mistake I made was due to sheer stupidity. And I have never known myself to be the type of person who would succumb to the kind of pressure I am now succumbing to; the type that gives the satisfaction to a particular type of “people” of knowing how freaking affected I am by them.

I hate Honours. I hate it because of the office politics. I hate it because my brain capacity is not put to good use. I hate it that my type of soft-skills will not get me through this extremely tough time. I hate it that this is the most crucial time of my life and that I need to surrender and compromise in areas in which I do not wish to do so. I simply hate the way things operate.

I know that probably a lot of people are clueless as to what I am babbling about. So, let me enlighten you. Have you ever been forced to go to an annual dinner? Have you ever been coerced to cooperate with a bunch of stuck up snobs who don’t give a damn who you are and think that the universe revolves around them, who expect everyone to pay to them an exorbitant amount? Have you ever been told in the rudest way possible that your attendance to a particular annual dinner would determine whether or not you would graduate?

Probably you all think that I’m exaggerating about the part where my non-attendance will affect the way in which I graduate. You probably think I’m making things up when I say that I most probably will fail a particular paper if I don’t go to this stupid annual dinner. But you probably don’t know what’s going on in the Faculty. You have no idea the extent to which some people would strive to get what they want because they are so used to getting what they want. And to top that, you have no idea what the people “upstairs” are capable of doing… things like failing students due to non-academic-related things, perhaps.

It sucks. It really does. These things give me unnecessary stress that I definitely do not need. Though I might not be in much of a financial problem as compared to some people whose problems are real, I know for a fact that the RM 85.00 that I have forked out to get myself out of failing a paper for non-academic reasons could be put to better use… like filling in my petrol, or buying myself a new cartridge, perhaps?

And the fact that I am so adamant about not going tells me something. I may not be the most superstitious person on planet earth and I normally don’t spot signs before something happens. But this particular event, I have doubts about a lot of things. Kalau ikut kata orang Melayu, “tak sedap hati”, macam tulah. I hate the fact that our money would be channeled into calling some Zouk DJ to host the “after-party” which I would not be staying for because that definitely is NOT my kind of thing. I think that if these people are so in need of entertainment as such, they should have a private party at a club where they would enjoy themselves without having to do so at the expense of other people.

Tak pernah fikir ke ha? If the police suddenly comes and raids the after-party? Have they never thought of the fact that people might abuse that particular time to use drugs and booze and stuff like that? Did it ever cross their minds the inappropriateness of such parties since the date of the dinner itself is just 3 days prior to Ramadhan?

I may not be the most pious person and I am definitely not one of those extreme conservatives. But hey, even I know my limits. Did it ever cross their minds, all of the things I mentioned above? Did it ever cross their minds to at least ask if we agreed to the things they had planned? I know that it’s virtually impossible to make everyone happy, but some courtesy of asking some other people’s opinion and consent would have been nice. So much for wanting to teach soft-skills. The organizers should look in the mirror and see what rude people they are before trying to preach to the rest of us about soft-skills.

It tires me just thinking about all of this. I hate all of this. I hate all of the politics. I hate it that the only way around the world is by using the root of all evil; MONEY. I hate it that I have surrendered though I very much wanted to hold on to the very last thread. I hate the fact that I made some petty, silly, technical mistakes, which actually does not amount to failing, but would result me in failing due to circumstances totally out of my control. I hate all of the things that are going on around me. Get me out of here.

September 03, 2007

ideal

It’s half past ten and I’m still lazing around in my PJs. Merdeka truly means a whole load of new things to me this year. I am a little bit disappointed that I did not see even a hint of fireworks since I slept like a baby that night; recuperating and getting all the much needed sleep I lost due to the hectic schedule the week before. It’s been a while since I last had the chance to laze around doing nothing like this. Note: I have tonnes of articles to read, but I decided to take a break for a while. It’s been a while since I last stayed put at home on a Sunday morning, not worrying about going to the office to complete this file or that file because I managed to do that yesterday.

I’d have to say that I would really like to propose to someone who would listen that every week be changed to a 4-day working week because it gives us all ample time to rest. I think I got as much sleep as I lost, in fact I got more. And I think that this 4-day a week working day gives me so much time to do all other chores other than studying or completing files. Even Mami is relaxing outside because we’ve got almost everything done and covered during the long weekend we got.

But tomorrow will come soon and I must admit how tempted I am to flee. It’s not that I’ve got problems with anyone in the Firm or Class or Batch. It’s just that sometimes I wish for things not to be routine all the time because it can get pretty sickening doing the same things over and over again. A break from the normal chain of events would be a treat indeed. Like a weekend off to PD at Nadd’s place would have been a great treat indeed. In fact the girls are there now probably jumping into the pool and soaking themselves until their skins shrivel, laughing like mad people. I could not join them due to obvious reasons. And I would have loved a weekend off at PD especially. That would have been a great Merdeka treat.

But I guess I’m wishing in vain. I guess I have to be content with a relaxing weekend such as this. I mean, this really is more than I could ever wish for, right? But I still wish every week were a 4-day working week. That would be extremely ideal…

September 01, 2007

deception

Every single week, we all come back home for the weekend with the impression that the worst is over. Every. Single. Week. Every other weekend, we make plans of where to go; we make plans to hang out with friends, we make plans to meet up, we make plans to go home to our families, we make plans to eat at nice places because truly, we are all deprived of the best things in life. But every single weekend, we go back home deceived. We are so busy that we all don’t realize what a deceitful programme Honours really is. Or probably we are all in denial, thinking that things will eventually get better.

Whatever it is, I’m starting to think real hard about things. If I haven’t mentioned this anywhere earlier, I’m saying this now; I wouldn’t have thought that this is humanly possible to endure if no batch has ever passed this programme. If I’ve said it somewhere before, then, I must be repeating myself for the thousandth time.

I don’t know. I haven’t been home for at least 4 weeks now, and not because I don’t want to. It’s just that, I’ll get homesick once I’m there, making it harder and harder to leave. And making it harder and harder for me to endure each week. I can’t even talk to my mom now because I miss her so much.

I think they intentionally designed it to be this way so that we would persevere in the real world. (and just in case you're smirking, I knew this a long time ago. I'm just thinking aloud). At this point, I think no one can afford to break down and crack. The last thing we all should do to is to succumb under this pressing pressure. I guess I’m pep-talking myself.

I really should get back to work, as there are tonnes and tonnes of things undone.

“and I can’t explain why it’s not enough, coz I’d give it all to you… do you see how much I need you right now?”