some sense of normalcy.

The other day, I saw my neighbours arriving home from work at the same time. 

I was in the kitchen, cradling Ayesha on one hand while preparing the kids' dinner with the other.

And as I watched (or more like stalked) them, I started feeling... for lack of better word..., lonely.

My days and nights (apart from those 10 hours at work) are normally filled with all these "single-handed" activities. So though there are technically 3 people in the house, there's actually very little communication going on. Adult conversations are confined to our daily video calls. And most conversations revolve around what's showing on YouTube and who did what in school. And on the bad days, the house is like an army camp -- no one (but me) gets to say anything. But hey Mama's got to do what she needs to do (right?). 

So, I guess whatever it is that I felt yesterday evening has been a long time coming. 

People tell me that I'm lucky because I still get to see my husband at least 2 weeks once, and that I should appreciate his efforts of wanting to be with us, whenever he can.

It goes without saying that I'm the luckiest woman alive to have him as mine, and better still, to have him home to be with his kids. 

But sometimes, I think people (inadvertently) forget... that those left behind do have a set (or maybe many sets) of challenges of their own and most times, the struggle is real... so real -- 

I feel that being left behind hurts just as much as being the one leaving. I know that it shouldn't be a battle about who's hurting more because who on earth would want that kind of competition and frankly, we're both aware of each others' situation...

It's just that sometimes... I struggle  --

And I question the decisions we've made.

And doubt the love we have.

And I ponder on the daily if there is anything that I can do to make myself feel better. 

And I wonder if some day we'd be able to feel some sense on normalcy, whatever it is that may now be.

what day is it, and in what month?

Hello,

hello,

hello...

... is there any body in there?! Just nod if you can hear me...

It's been such a long time since I even had the chance to even think of escaping into this world.

No excuses whatsoever as I don't intend to justify my absence. And there really isn't any need for wild guesses as to what I've been up to because hey, I'm a Working Mom of Two with No Help, so that pretty much sums up where all my time and efforts have gone to (I think, HAHAHA).

Quite frankly, I would say that this is one of the toughest "jobs" I've ever had in my life.

I'm not too sure if I'm being too hard on myself or if it's actually normal to beat yourself up over all my little failures in motherhood, but to be honest, I really do feel like a loser on the daily. 

And honestly, it becomes exhausting over time, leaving me tired and uninspired. 

So on days like these, when I'm extra lacking in inspiration, I like to read through my old posts to reminisce the good old days.

And it gets me wondering -- were the good old days really better, or have I developed the inability to be grateful for everything good that I now have? Or could it be that my standards of what is "good" and "bad" be so horribly screwed that I can no longer differentiate one from the other?

Superwomanry.

image googled.

So the other day, I took Atiya Ayesha for her 9-month check-up and jab. And I met this nice petite lady at the nursing room where we instantly started telling each other of our... "predicament".

I'm guessing that she had just had the longest weekend and the rain that morning certainly didn't help her with ferrying her own circus clan out of the house to their respective schools and like me, she had to rush to get her baby for their appointment too. 

Hence, discovering someone else also living with the same plight certainly felt like finding sanctuary. At least that's how it felt to me. 

She asked me what my plans are going forward and I told her that I have, for a long time now, given up on Superwomanry. 

Because as you all already know, I certainly didn't ace the first few months as a Mom of Two. Heck I'm still grasping at straws even though it's been almost a year since, which is the very reason why I have decided to hang my "Superwoman" cape for good.

I always tell people that it's okay to ask for help; that a mother is of no use to anyone if she is sick, or unhappy, or overly tired -- Because sure, becoming a mother does come with its own set of sacrifices and challenges -- that's granted.

But when in the moment, the heart needs some intensive convincing that we've gained more than that which we have lost. And that's where most of us are fighting a lost cause. Because we're told to suck it up and to get used to it and that we are not grateful when we whine or pull a long face when the going gets tough. 

I wasn't too sure where I was going with this post when I began. But I guess I just wanted to let some things off my chest. And I wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, and that I personally feel like it's okay for me to lose my sh*t sometimes.

Especially right this moment when I can no longer remember what it feels like to be me...

my 2016, abbreviated.

Abbreviated in probably 2 words;

PJJ; and

WFHM.

Oh, and maybe 2015 in memory too.

It's been such a long time since the last time, in fact, it's been way too long.

I miss this space. I really do.

And to be honest, I kind of miss me too.

getting this off my chest -- so I can move on.

Tengok balik list, banyak betul draft these couple of months. BANYAK.

Tapi semua tak post, sudahnya jadi basi, lepas tu, terbuku dalam hati.

Padahal, ada hari, hati meronta nak ceritakan semuanya pada semuanya.

Hari ni, ada sikit masa senggang, rasa nak post balik drafts yang agak relevant walaupun dah basi... just so kita ada reference di kemudian hari, tapi entah -- rasanya selagi satu isi hati ni tak dilepaskan, selagi tu tak boleh move on.

So, here goes.

Nagging is not my second nature. Itu satu. Keduanya, I don't really know how to be angry. Sometimes, marah pun sambil senyum. Lepas tu, kalau marah betul, confirm menangis sendiri out of utter regret. Confirm. Pelik, tapi benar. Itulah dia true story.

Each time I get angry (really angry), I will eventually cry. And I'll feel bad and super tired about it for days on end.

Walaupun begitu, bila dah marah dengan orang/benda for something, it literally takes FOREVER for me to forget. Bukan berdendam, tapi tak boleh lupa. Kalau nak tahu, sebenarnya PENAT bila tak boleh lupa ni... agaknya itu lah sebab saya sentiasa kurus -- benda orang dah tak ingat, kita tak lupa-lupa juga. Tapi terima saja lah, dah Allah jadikan kita begitu... ada lah sebabnya tu. Everyone has their own set of challenges, bukan?

Itu cakap pasal marah dengan orang... kalau marah dengan anak-anak? Pergh. Dia punya sesalan tak boleh nak explain. I used to live with no regrets, tapi lepas dapat anak dua ni ... kumpul regrets yang rasa hari-hari dari anak bangun sampai anak tidur -- boleh gila dibuatnya.

Sebelum ada yang salah faham, let me explain. Bukan regret sebab beranak. Engko gila ke apa. Regret tu terbit daripada marah yang sengaja walaupun tak sengaja, ignorance yang sengaja disebabkan tak sengaja, upset secara sengaja dalam tak sengaja. Ayat tu sendiri dah pening, kan? Boleh imagine tak betapa dalam hati ni pening dia macam mana? Nak explain with words secara waras pun tak boleh, apatah lagi nak show you the shape of my heart. Ewah merapu dah. 

Pokoknya, every time I leave my kids at school, on the way to work mesti nangis. Not that their school is not good; I pay to send them to wonderful schools with wonderful teachers and they are superb at their jobs. Tapi nangis sebab malam sebelumnya mesti dah terjerit, termarah, ter-buat-buat tidur bila anak tanya soalan, terabaikan bila rasa pampers anak penuh. 

Paling best, ter-annoyed masa Atiya Ayesha first said "Mama". Boleh?

"Mama" was her first word and I was annoyed.

Punyalah nak anak sayang kita kali ni (Luqman masa kecik cakap "Daddy" dulu). But since she said "Mama" because wanted my attention and all I was thinking about then was getting the laundry done, I was annoyed. 

Last-last Luqman yang lagi excited. Lepas tu, I got annoyed at Luqman for being excited pulak.

It has been, for lack of better word, such a psychotic 6 months for me.

So much so that I wondered -- macam mana masa dengan Luqman dulu, I could survive the 6 months without my husband alone. Masa tu lagi lah, dengan duit tak ada, susu badan tak cukup, duduk dekat tingkat 8. I didn't eat dinner or bathe either. Solat pun macam pencuri. Tapi masa tu, survive dan seolah tak kisah dengan penat. 

Tapi sekarang macam annoyed. Dah kenapa? 

Jawapannya, sebab circumstances kali ni berbeza. Kali ni, I don't only have me to take care of, I have another human being (Luqman) depending on me too. There was once when I was afraid to ask him if he was hungry because I was sure that he was... tapi Atiya memerap -- tak boleh letak, tak boleh tinggal, tak boleh gerak. All she wanted to do was nurse. Nasib baik husband balik malam tu, so kita kasi Luqman makan at 11 p.m. sambil dia tersengguk-sengguk mengantuk. 

Ada sekali tu, bila kita dah penat, kita try crying it out method -- masa nak mandikan Luqman and masa dia mintak wash poopoo, and it worked -- she cried until she became quiet on her own. But after that, I vowed that it would be the first and only time I would ever do it. I never want to leave my child crying like that ever again. EVER. And I never did it again. Kalau sorang mandi, semua masuk toilet, sorang berak, semorang cuci. 

Tapi tak boleh buat apa, sebab kita semua mesti survive. Paling penting anak-anak mesti survive. Abang must survive -- must be clean, must be healthy, safe, happy. And Adik must have enough milk, enough clean diapers, walaupun mungkin sedikit lacking in affection as compared to when Abang was growing up. Tapi tak apa, we'll make up for lost time, I convinced myself. 

But eventually, pinggang sakit, lutut sakit, kaki sakit, hati sakit.

Sakit sangat sampaikan anak cakap "Mama" pun annoyed. Sakit sangat sampai pergi kerja setiap hari tak pernah tak nangis. Sakit sampaikan 530 petang sampai anak-anak tidur, I would be holding my breath out of nervousness -- takut something goes wrong -- anak demam ke, jatuh ke, perlukan hospital ke. Psychotic kan?

And that's when I realised. sebenarnya for my children to survive, yang paling penting ialah for their Mama (read: me) to survive. My survival was paramount to theirs. 

I forgot that dalam banyak-banyak orang tu, I was the one who cannot fall or fall sick or go to the hospital and most importantly I cannot go crazy. Only problem is, I was on the brink of insanity. 

I realised that that could not go on if I wanted to survive. And I needed help. Big time. 

And just when I needed help the most, help came. And I shall forever be grateful to Allah, for granting me what I need, when I need it the most. 

It's been a week since help arrived. And I haven't made a big deal out of it yet because I don't want to jinx it. 

All I know is that if help is here to stay, we're going to have better days ahead, in sha Allah.

2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

Looks like this is what my "blogger" life has been reduced to; a 2-month once update.

Ashamed to call myself a "blogger" anymore because (1) not sure how relevant blogs are in the world of growing social media; and (2) I've jumped on the "bandwagon" of no updates for want of time (mostly).

Yet, at the same time... having kept this blog for so long, doing away with it doesn't seem like an option at all. 

My baby girl is now 6 months and 1 week young. She's currently down with fever, cutting 2 teeth at once. Can't flip onto her tummy by herself yet... but when you give her tummy time, she's pretty mobile. So, I really have to watch her because man is that girl fast! No solids yet because she can't sit upright on her own... but to be completely honest, I actually feel a little bit sayang to give her solids after all that hard work making sure she's 100% (b)oo(b)fed up to this point.

Other than that...

6 months after, we're still trying our best to understand each other.

I've relented to the fact that I can never be the same mother I was to Luqman when raising Atiya. And though I'm 6 months late in coming to that realisation, I do admit that admitting that fact has caused much liberation (to my surprise). Not sure who's standards I was trying to live up to previously, but now that I'm over being hard on myself, I should probably start to enjoy my girl before it's too late.

Other than that...

Life has been quite uneventful, I must say -- and the irony is that it has left me with very little (leisure) time in hand. I sometimes forget the person I was before I became a mom of two and my passion for the things I used to love -- and life generally... has just been reduced to well, going through day after day after day after day.

I know I sound a little ungrateful, unhappy even (which honestly is not the case at all)... but I can't help but sound that way while I'm going through this toughest phase (i.e. the First 18 Months) alone. 

And while I hope that this phase will pass, I do also hope that Atiya won't grow up too fast, leaving all her baby fat behind as a mere memory. In fact, like I've mentioned so many times before, I'd like for me to  be able to baby her a little while longer and for a chance for us to be able to understand each other a little bit better. 

So, that should be all you need to know as an update at 2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

I hope I will once again find the light in my soul -- and that that light would one day show in these writings that I very much like to share. 

4 months after.

Atiya Ayesha, my darling baby girl.

You may be my second born, but honestly, there are times when you make me feel like a first time mother all over again.

Sometimes, I just can’t figure you out and most times, I just let you be you. After all, apart from the first few queasy weeks in my womb, you generally were a very chill little passenger – even ran 12km with me, remember?

So, I let you have your moments – and I constantly remind myself that all babies are different and that each child is a different experience. Only thing is that I sometimes act the way I do (which is so different from how I was with your brother) because mostly I am doing all of this alone (though technically, we all know that that’s no one’s fault). I’m not proud of myself for losing my cool sometimes and I’m really sorry for being so… different with you, but I’m trying, girl. I really am.

Because just like you, I too, am new– new at this “job” as a Mom of Two. We’ve both got so much of learning to do.

Be that as it may, let’s just say that we’ve been able to manage all of our incoming hurdles so far. We both may not have done it very gracefully what with the tears and screams and drama and all (we sure look eww-ish with our puffy-runny-nose after-tears face) and due to some major changes going on in my life, I’ve had to make some very expensive investments too (bertuah punya anak!) but all in all, everything has been okay.

Honestly, although I know that things will get easier once you’re a little older and I’m so not cool with me constantly losing my cool, especially since you now understand my tone of voice even if you don’t totally understand what I’m saying… I’m not desperate for you to grow up so fast.

I want to baby you a little while longer. I want you to stay my cute little Dobot for as long as you feel like it because I know that once you start to “jumpa kaki” you’re going to lose all that yummy baby fat and you’re going to start wriggling your way out of my arms. I want you to want and need me like I’m the only person who can make you feel comfortable and give you whatever it is that you need (which in our case for the moment is YOUKNOWWHATLAH) and I honestly already miss our moments during my Maternity Leave where we spent all day, every single day together just the 2 of us.

So yeah, I basically don’t want to hurry this experience and you can take your time… though I do hope that you’d keep the screaming to a minimum lah girl, because apart from losing my hair, I sometimes feel like I’m losing my hearing too =.=” but like I said before, all in all, we’ve been pretty much okay.

4 months after – we’re coping, we’re surviving, we’re learning and we’re still standing. And okay is okay enough for me. You’re that “glass ball” I hope I’ll never break.

Thank you for coming into my life, baby girl. Feels wonderful to have a life-sized “doll” of my own.

*I still owe you your birth story, hihi.

buat baik tak payah berpada.

Lately… I’ve been thinking really hard about Him and all of His Grand Plans.

Sometimes, I get it, but sometimes I just don’t and although I generally wonder why things happen the way they do, these days, I’ve just learned to keep calm and soldier on. No matter which way whatever goes, there is always a hikmah – I just need to be patient to find it.

Lately, many things have happened to myself and also the people around me. And these things have gotten me thinking about how important it is to be an all round good person – jaga kata, jaga pandangan and most importantly, jaga hati.

Apa pun yang jadi, jaga hati – jangan ada rasa benci, jangan sengaja menyakiti, jangan ada rasa dengki.

Because no matter how clichéd the saying “Life is a circle” is… it really is the truth. You just don’t know at which point in your life you’ll be at the bottom so best be prepared to be trampled on. But better still, best be prepared with the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, there will be people who will have your back.

Kalau kita jahat/dengki dengan orang lain, kan dah susah? Because people will always remember how you make them feel and if 90% of the time you make people feel bad, there’s a high likelihood that people won’t feel bad about making you feel bad.

It’s a vicious cycle, I know. And it probably isn’t the way things should be… but it is.

So, better be safe than sorry – buat baik tak payahlah berpada-pada.

Tapi kalau orang baik, jangan lah pijak kepala pula.

mencari sebuah jawaban.

I just sent out my response to HR with regards to my upcoming transfer. And I've been asking around for some empty boxes for me to put my 3 years worth of stuff in. I haven't even acclimatised to being back in this office and now, I've got to prep myself for the new place, which isn't really that new come to think of it... but I have been away for 3 years, so I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I really don't know where I should begin. 

All I know is that this is the answer. 

You see, we've been spending some time looking for answers -- for everything. 

Life has thrown us a curveball we're not entirely sure how to deal with... and it's been super overwhelming to say the least. I no longer feel bad about crying openly about it and I no longer feel sorry for not having things figured out. My only regret is that I sometimes lose my temper and my firstborn has to bear the brunt of it, which gets me really upset every single time. 

Thing is, can anybody help it -- can anyone really abstain from losing their temper when there's just so much to do and seemingly so little time to do them. And what is up with children and their doing everything in tandem? Berak in tandem, cry in tandem, asking for food in tandem. They're like a tag team despite their age gap and I find my patience thinning every single day. 

I've got to admit that I sometimes feel really inferior to mothers in the same boat as myself who seem unfazed by their circumstances -- and doing everything that I'm currently doing and more. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they have a velcro baby like mine... or if they've deafened their ears to their baby's cries or if their babies don't cry to be picked up at all. And I sometimes wonder when on earth do these mothers pump milk and when do they ever sleep?

 Don't we all have the same 24 hours in a day...?

I'm so full of questions -- and I was so ready for answers when the Transfer Order came.

And even then, I was plagued by fear of my uncertain future.

Until I backtracked this whole year and realised how things have fallen into place just the way it should be even though there were days when I thought things turned out differently than they should have.

And that's when I realised -- that all I need to do is my best -- and leave Allah to do the rest.


Indeed He is the Best Planner -- so who am I to question his Grand Plans? 

Inilah dia jawapan yang dicari -- for now at least.

As a take home message for anyone who actually finished reading this --

"Always believe that someone will one day recognise your worth; if it isn't a person -- it would be The One who is bigger than a person." (says my Mom, may Allah bless her soul)

Now... let's get packing!

90 days after.

Yesterday, my 90-day Maternity Leave ended... hence here I am today in the office, with only 3 other people. So it does sort of feel like I'm still on leave... only in work clothes?

Haha!

Feels so weird to be back.

Probably because I know that I'm only here to pack my things before I go off again (yes yes, I'm leaving this place but more on that later).

Life has been... roller-coaster-ish since I gave birth to my baby girl. There have been crazy highs and crazy lows and every day, I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Not sure if that's a bane or a boon but my policy right now is to take it a day at a time -- and to be thankful for whatever that gets me through the day.

Because honestly, I can't keep up.

I forgot how unpredictable life can be with a baby after having left that world for so long.

I also forgot how different each child can be -- even if I bore them both in my womb.

Baru tadi at around 10 a.m., Atiya Ayesha's school called me informing me that she refused her teat -- on the day I defrosted a good 18 oz of milk *sigh*. So, after the second SOS, I drove to her Taska, just to check on her. She was already asleep -- they said, probably out of hunger.

Thing is... I know my daughter. She would never sleep hungry! And... she would never let me go without asking for you-know-what if she was really hungry! Hahaha. Cuma,  when I sent her during the trial run before Raya, she would consume a minimum of 24 oz of milk from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m., hence why her teachers panicked when she refused her milk.

Turns out, she was just really sleepy and settled down soon after we swaddled her. She wasn't even bothered when she heard my voice calling her name. So, I left, hoping that she would be okay.

Never had this kind of problem with her brother so this kind of experience kind of puts me back into the shoes of a first time mom. Haha.

Well, anyways. I need to pump. This entry is obviously all over the place. Pretty much like how my brain feels.

Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day ;)

23 days after.

3 weeks since my last post.

Any wild guesses as to where I've been and what I've been up to?

You definitely don't have to be Einstein to figure that out right? Hehe.

Alhamdulillah, I have safely delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl on 12 April 2016. On the 7th day, we decided to name her Atiya Ayesha, which means "pemberian yang hidup bahagia" and despite the overwhelming first few days with her at home and the sleepless nights (which I'm getting used to), Atiya has indeed been a gift to us and our little family. 

Her delivery story is somewhat different from my first and it is rather long, so I might have to break it down into parts. While Atiya is asleep, here goes Part 1.

 

xxx

On 12 April 2016, after I was done with all my "wee-hour activities", I took a nap before the morning rush began. Next thing I know, I had overslept and so I hustled to wake Luqman up, got him ready for school and got myself ready for work. As I was hustling, I felt the constant urge to pee. That's when I discovered I had a bloody show. I knew that that wasn't the sign of labour especially since I felt no contractions whatsoever, but my ObyGyn did tell me to come in if the blood was bright red, which it was.

So, I called my boss and informed him of my predicament, and told him I didn't know what time I would be able to come in. Little did I know that it would be 3 months until I would see him again. HAHAHAHA. Because as I was packing Luqman's school bag, I felt wet... like water trickling down my legs. I thought I had lost all control of my bladder but after many visits to the toilet, I kind of figured -- my water had broke. And that meant that I had to deliver my baby in the next 24 hours. 

So, my SOS Plan kicked in. The Plan was that my parents would take over taking care of Luqman while my husband accompanied me at the hospital. Called my mom, called my husband, sent Luqman to school and drove myself to the Labour Room (yes, drove! HAHAHAHA). As expected, there were no parking spots left (although it was only 8.30 in the a.m.) so I parked my car at the nearby ERL Station and treated the walk as exercise. 

Reached the Labour Room and told the nurses of my signs of labour. They strapped me to a CTG machine and meanwhile got a doctor to check on me. As I suspected, there was no contraction present although baby's heartbeat was okay and although I was praying hard I would not be admitted yet (I had so many plans!), the doctor told me I was only 2 cm dilated. Be that as it may, she told me that they would not be able to discharge me since I was leaking. 

They then gave me my "uniform" and set me up in a Lodger since there were no free beds in the Executive Ward.

And that's where I spent most of the day in. 

More in Part 2 later, ya?