tell me, will you stay. or will you run away?

This MCO has brought out the best, and worst in all of us.

It has shown us true colours - that of others', and of our own.

It has seen some being frustrated by unmet expectations; some of which were unrealistic to begin with.

It has also seen those unable to meet those (unrealistic) expectations beat themselves up for their failure to live up.

This is a hard time for alot of us, even for some of us (like me) who have found a rhythm they can live with.

Because this MCO has seen some of us being asked to fend for ourselves - for us to think of the best way forward - for us to choose, between important things in our lives, some of which were never on the same pedestal of importance to begin with.

How does one prioritise? How does one choose? How does one drop one thing, and hold on to another, when business is expected to be run as usual, although the circumstances are a far cry from the usual.

Everything seems unusual. And I don't think we'll come out of this the same.

welcome, Ramadan

I make a point to not lose count of how many days we've been at home under the MCO... so, yes, hello there #day38.

What makes #day38 so special is that it also happens to be #day1 of Ramadan, my most favourite time of the year! 

Now that the kids are a little older, and #no1 has started fasting (since 2 years back), I find that Ramadan carries with it a whole new vibe, and it has of course, become alot more meaningful. Days are spent thinking of how to inculcate #no1's understanding of this Holy month, and hopefully as much love for it, as I have. And of course, with my #no1 being ever so helpful with coming up with the daily menu, I now find more reason and joy to cook, to prepare his requests, just to see that beaming million dollar smile on his face.

Alhamdulillah, we are again given the opportunity to meet Ramadan, albeit differently (than what we're used to). While some are used to congregating in mosques, having communal breaking of fasts and shopping at Ramadan Bazaars, making this Ramadan unlike any Ramadan they imagined of -

some... like us, are more than happy to be spending it at home, with our own nucleus family. 

I have nothing against communal events, but I don't really enjoy them mainly because that's just who I am by nature. So, I actually welcome this whole "spending time at home with your loved ones" idea that our PM has been trying to promote, especially during this time of year.

Though I haven't really been grieving about the implementation of the MCO, I think I really have reached that 5th stage of grief, i.e. "acceptance" just like the rest of the Malaysians. My naivete has been taken over by my acceptance that this "catastrophe" is unlike any other -- that it is impossible to eradicate and the numbers alone aren't the only indication of how safe it is out there, and hence, it would be impossible for us to go back to our old ways.

That being said, I have come to the realisation that it would be a while before this MCO will be lifted because the main goal of our country is to save lives... unlike some other countries who have weighed the risks and benefits and have ultimately come to the conclusion that... it is pointless to save lives when the economy is bleeding. Hence, the need to let all economic sectors run as per pre Covid-19 days. 

 But since we're in Malaysia, we have to come to accept that The New Normal is very much real.

And while I know that this phase may not be easy for alot of people, and even a homebody like me would like the option to eat out and shop at a physical store and all of the other simple pleasures in life that we've gotten used to (and probably have more than once in our lives taken for granted), I think that it's best we ride this phase out in compliance with the MCO laws. 

We've got to win this war with the unseen enemy.

And the only weapon we've got right now, is our patience, and faith that these measures that are being taken are really in our best interests. 

Salam Ramadan, everyone.

Please stay safe. 

#day23

It's #day23 of the MCO.

How's everyone doing?

We're doing okay. With erratic bursts of emotions from the kids, and I. And occasionally the dad, I guess that's to be expected. 

The number of #covid19 infections continue to be rather erratic, and judging by how erratic they are, I think that maybe we'll be stuck at home a little while longer than the 14th of April. 

We're actually getting the hang staying at home, to be honest. Plus, I've always been a homebody who'll find an excuse to not go out. So, I can't really say I don't enjoy being home.

But I can't help but wonder about the bigger picture - of the oil prices falling, of the people with day jobs and day wages who were never able make ends meet before; how are they fairing now? Is anyone thinking of taking out to the streets out of desperation? Is someone taking the easy way out by scamming others?

I'm beginning to think that no matter which way we try to fight this, there is bound to be "bloodshed" somewhere. We may win on the one hand, but lose on the other. 

Not very positive-minded, I know. But like I said, I can't really help myself. 

xxx

Well, anyways. Mommies out there feeling like Master Chefs already?

Prior to this period, I've already been cooking/preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner almost daily so... I can't really say that all of this cooking, cleaning, repeat is new for me. I sometimes think that Allah had prepped me for his situation, by continously throwing  curveballs at me, which I've had to overcome, so that this situation would not take me by surprise. Even so, there are some days when I feel totally jaded, and of course, I could (should) work on my patience (with the kids especially) and not raise my voice, especially when it's unnecessary.

Especially during this time when they can't turn to their "safety nets" (i.e. their grandparental units) for extra TLC when Mama turns into Hulk and things gets real ugly. 

Must remind myself that they most definitely aren't the reasons why we're stuck in a lockdown and that no matter how annoyed I get by the sheer amount of times they call my name in a day, it is most definitely better than you not hearing their voices at all (because you know, they may be up to some mischief heheh).

xxx

Speaking of Mommying, I'm missing my mom a tad bit more than usual today.

As I sat outside our home in the wee hours of this morning, watching the beautiful sunrise Allah painted out in the sky for me to see, I wondered of the many times my life has been saved by my mother's prayers.

In fact, just this morning, after I got back in the house after sunrise, I got a phone call telling me that I no longer needed to be present at the meeting that I was supposed to attend later today --

and this came just as I was wondering the wisdom of me having to deal with / attend a meeting which is more than 40 km away from home at a time like this. I mean, I knew from the very beginning that these kinds of sacrifices and risks come with the job and to be very honest, I would really take it up in a heartbeat.

But just this morning - 

I wondered if I would be able to come back safely. 

And I was just about to ask my mom to pray for my safety, especially so that I won't be affected by anyone infected and further (unknowingly) bring back the sickness with me, and infect my loved ones.

And then came the said phone call.

I guess she knew how I felt even without me having to tell her?

Or maybe, this is one of those times that her prayers has saved me from an unknown harm.

Whichever the case may be, let us cherish our parents for all the times their prayers have kept us in the safety of Allah's protection. And may we make du'a for them for all the good that this life and the hereafter may bring.

With that, may today be a better MCO day for all of us.

Day 14 of MCO

Malaysia is currently under partial lockdown, and it's Day 14.

While others are complaining about not going out, and mind you, I'm beginning to feel antsy about this whole thing too, I am first and foremost grateful - grateful that I am home with those who matter most to me. 

Of course, I'd very much like if both our families were nearer, so that we could look out for each other, pass food over the pagar and things like that, but even in this situation, I feel grateful that they are all safe and sound in their own homes, rather than being out there, being exposed to the virus.

The virus is vicious. It is unlike anything that mankind has ever known. It has lead us to lead our lives so differently, which ultimately begs the question of - whether this "changed lifestyle" is the way we should be living our lives, actually?

I don't know, but a huge part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, that's one of the lesson we should learn from this ordeal. 

Though we all know that when this ordeal is over and the world gets back on it's feet - by relearning how to crawl, walk and run again... the world would eventually forget what this ordeal has brought us through and we and the generations to come would get back to our old ways.

After all, old habits die hard.

All seriousness aside, we've had plenty of fun in our home, barring the occasional shouting matches against each other. 

And contrary to popular believe, Public Servants do continue to serve as best as we could during these tough times and I've already been to the office twice during in these 14 days, maintaining a safe distance from everyone and keeping my hands sanitised, always. And other days, I work from home, maybe not as productively as I'd like to  (or rather as I'm used to), but as best as I could do, which I think will have to do for the time being. 

Other than that, we are adjusting well, and we try to keep a positive mindset as much as we possibly can. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's the best that we could do for now.

Alhamdulillah for a smooth 14 days of MCO. Hoping that the next 14 would be without incident, and be the last of it in sha Allah.

today I turn 35

... and I figured that today would be a good time to post something.

*blows dust*

Assalamualaikum dunia. It has been a while, hasn't it?

2020  - the year we have all been waiting for. To be honest, the only thing I remember from when Wawasan 2020 was launched was me calculating the age I'd be at when 2020 finally comes.

Now that 2020 is here, I find myself questioning my achievements thus far. 

"What more can you do, so that your future self will thank you?",

seems to be central to my thoughts today.

And my only conclusion is that I most definitely can do more. 

More of things that make me happy.

More of making myself happy with what I have.

More of making the most of everything.

More of accepting the things that I cannot change.

And with that, I hope, like I do every year, that this year would be better than the year before. 

Happy 35th Birthday, Hanisa.