hormone casserole

Have you ever felt like one?

I certainly have and am certainly feeling like one right.this.moment.

Totally not cool, if you asked me, especially if all waterworks began right after my husband told me "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?"

So.Not. Cool. And ironic to say the least.

Thing is this always, always happens when he's been home more than "normal" -- like when he comes home in the middle of the week for meetings in HQ or he's home for more than 2-3 days, for example.

Thing is, I love him being home! I mean, OF COURSE I love it when he's home. But the parting makes it SEEM like I don't like it that he's home for more than "normal" because it will inadvertently end up with me in tears! And believe you me, that tear-streaked, swollen eyes-nose-face combo does not make a pretty sight for sore-eyes, especially not in the wee hours of the morning, when someone is about to begin a 4-hour long journey!

My husband's confusion after I broke down this morning after he said "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?" was so apparent... just thinking about it (in retrospect of course...) makes all of this seem so funny! Of course, when it was all happening, it wasn't so funny, because right now, I know that I just sounded and looked so silly, haih. But at the time, I just couldn't help it, please!

I (partly) attribute this to my being pregnant of course... and only partly because crying really is my special power, if I ever had to declare any hehe. Plus it would be so unfair to unload all the blame on Adik Baby for all these tears because clearly, it isn't her fault at all.

It's just that... with 16 days (more or less) to go, I'm really not sure how I should feel.

I'm really not sure if there's enough time to do the things that I have to do like stock up home-cooked food for my boy since he's such an eater and he loves.my.cooking (at least for now, because he doesn't have much of a choice hehe). Plus the fact that there's no packed hospital bag all set and ready in the car (GASP!), which kind of makes me want to kick myself in the teeth, yet at the same time, I'm so beat at the end of the day, I kind of feel like I should cut myself some slack.

And the funny thing is that... I am at the moment, making such a big deal out of the silliest, smallest things -- like whether or not I actually bought that bunny rabbit cap for Adik Baby in the first place?; or whether or not I'd be able to get that cute little cupboard I've been aiming for before I give birth?; or whether or not I'd be able to eat that lovely mango lassi-fruit combo which my ex-boss treated me to again before I go to the labour room; or when I would be able to get all the ingredients needed to make that parfait (probably the only thing I'm craving at this point); or whether I should get a whole month's stock of disposable panties and how much sanitary pads and panties should I be getting again? -- I've gone without my period for so long now that I have forgotten all about them. 

Eh, wait, what on earth am I supposed to bring to the hospital? I've been googling way too much on what not to bring that I now officially don't know what I should bring. And bila nak cuci breastpump parts and bottles ni???

Can you sense my panic? HAHAHAH.

Maybe I should consider going out for lunch. Like right about now?

Sheesh, I think I really am going nuts! Like a walking waddling human hormone casserole!

over the weekend

When we first started planning, there were 2 main questions; (1) are the kids invited; and (2) would I be too heavy to make it?

And as it turns out, the answer for both -- is YES! 

While the first made me jump with joy (not literally of course hehe!), the second "yes" made me a little worried. I am, after all 37 weeks pregnant. Be that as it may, I made it! Because missing her wedding (though not really by choice!!!) is making me feel bad enough already, so I was determined to try not miss her Hen Party -- unless I popped sooner.

But, oh, how tame we have gotten with our parties! Not that we were ever that wild to begin with (probably the wildest being Sunway Lagoon? Eheheh) but still... our Hen Parties have now been "reduced" to 3-hour tea parties with plenty of good food and selfies (and trying our best to retain our sanity while we tried to keep our children well-behaved -- probably to no avail, haih!). And while things have changed completely wherein we no longer jump from one activity to another because we're really not sure where we should park the kids meanwhile... the great company hasn't at all changed. 

 It's not like we haven't changed -- we have; it's just that we all somehow did it together (despite being physically apart) and embraced whatever it is that we have become and are becoming and we were all set to have a good time, in whatever little time we had. 

In my opinion, that spells quality over quantity all over, which is mighty fine with me!

So, here's to wishing Faizah a life time of happiness... and patience hehehe. Because the road ahead will be wonderful and eventful ;)

Here's The One for the album courtesy of Nadira!

been such a long while since we had a full quorum, so this was momentous :')

tiger mom.

If there is anything that I am not, it would be a TIGER MOM. 

I don't know whether it's because Luqman is only 4, or because he does really well in general in school and he gets what I am talking about if I randomly question him about his lessons or because I grew up with a tiger mom myself hehe and see so much of myself in my son... bottom line is, I just can't be a tiger mom -- at least not yet.

I keep telling myself that it is okay because he's only 4, but then again, that's the same thing I said last year when he was only 3! In fact... last year when his teachers told me that he refused to do one of his worksheets during their mid-term assessment in school, I told the teacher that it was okay because he's only 3. I mean, seriously -- I don't expect him to even sit still for more than 5 minutes, what more to complete a whole worksheet without incident! Hahaha.

Not sure when I'm going to start taking his lessons more seriously, but for now, I'm kind of just letting him play because I feel like that is the best for him, for now. I am so worried that if I apply too much academic pressure on him, he might just get bored and he might lose interest in learning altogether, which I believe is far worse than not getting good grades in preschool.

I really don't know if I'm doing things right... but at the moment, I'm kind of happy that I am not comparing myself to other tiger moms out there who I am sure, also want the very best for their children, but whose children's make up are also very different from mine. 

I might change in the near future and that's okay... but for now, I'm happy with the way things have worked out for us. Many might beg to differ with my methods but on that note, maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. Hehe.

*note: writing this because Luqman has a test today and we spent the whole evening yesterday at the playground playing instead of studying. Hoping I won't get complaints (again) about him not cooperating during test time because though I frankly don't care if he doesn't get 5 stars for his test (for now hehe) I do really care if people think he has a bad attitude!

the name searching game.

The best thing about my housing area is that it is filled to the brim with growing families, just like mine! That means that Luqman is never short of friends, even after he returns home from school. The best part is that they're the type who actually play as in play outside like we did when we were kids, which I very much appreciate... because as you probably already know, I'm so old school liddat =.="

Anyways, most of them have siblings of their own already, so there are days when they compare notes about their respective adiks. 

Yesterday was one of those days when they were talking about their siblings' names -- much to my son's chagrin because he only calls his sister as Adik since we haven't told him her name yet -- and sometimes, we tell him that it's RAHSIA -- because he really is the last person you would trust with a secret. Semua dia bagitahu kepada semua orang! 

I mean like, I know people will eventually know Adik Baby's name but well.. you know, hehehe. 

ANYWAY, back to yesterday. 

While they were talking about their adiks' names, Luqman came up to me to give me a hug and kept asking me whether Adik Baby has a name, to which I responded with a shushing motion (finger to lips kind of motion) but unsatisfied with my reaction, he kept reassuring his friends that she too has a name. 

When he couldn't stand it any more, he finally said out loud, 

"HEY ADIK SAYA PUN ADA NAMA. NAMA DIA RAHSIA KAN, MAMA?!"

 And Luqman doesn't even know what RAHSIA means! 

Oh. My. God. 

Kesian anak aku (^.^;;;;)

Just for the record though (just in case you're wondering, which you're probably not hahah) it's Baby A, for now. And it's really nothing fancy. In fact, after we confirmed it's a girl, my husband gave me the liberty to go crazy with the name searching provided that it has the one name we've earlier agreed on even before we had children and that is has a good meaning. But so far, we're satisfied with our simple choice!

Hoping that the name we chose is a good one for her, amin! 

full term.

It's my second pregnancy and I'm still not very sure how the weeks are counted. All I know is that by the end of this week when I go for my check-up, I will be full-term -- 36 weeks.

Since I kept my pregnancy a secret for quite some time and my belly is relatively small as compared to the rest of some other pregnant mommies out there, most people who have just discovered my pregnancy, which is when I started to really show some time January/February, think that I'll only be going on my maternity leave some time in July. 

ha nah! bukti!

I, on the otherhand, feel like I've been carrying Adik Baby like...  forever! Like I said in my previous post, I feel heavy and tired and sleepy all the time! In fact, over the weekend, I looked so round that an honest little boy (probably Luqman's age) came up to me and asked me, "Kenapa Acik gemok?" -___-"  So, in a way, I really can't wait to see her and finally hold her in my arms!

Having said that though, I do hope that Adik Baby will go on to bake in the oven for as long as she needs before she makes an entry into this world. Karang asyik cakap heavy and tired and sleepy all the time, dia merajuk and come out before its time sebab merajuk pula, ha! 

Anyways, I didn't buy that many clothes this time round (although my husband will beg to differ -- well, what's a mother expecting a girl got better to do when she's left unaccompanied at any shop selling baby clothes, kan? heheheh) and all those clothes have already been pre-washed and folded. I just haven't had the time to put them into my hospital bag yet!  *panic*

Speaking of necessities, there are quite a number of the bigger things which I have yet to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, among others including the breastpump. Friends on FB already know the tragic fate of my Medela Freestyle which has been declared to be beyond economic repair and my frantic search for a new breastpump (sadly other than Freestyle) which works well and wouldn't burn a hole in my pocket. So far, with the help of my fellow friends, I have managed to shortlist 2 which I might get and I'm just waiting for the right time to get them i.e. this weekend so that the warranty would run from a later date -- closer to my EDD. 

Other than the breastpump, I am also seriously considering buying a cot. We do still plan on co-sleeping, but with Luqman conquering the bed most nights, leaving my husband and I with barely any space to sleep on (plus all the jumping and ruckus and stunts he does on the bed) I definitely am not taking any chances. We had a playpen, which I decided to just leave at my mom's so that all her cucus would benefit from it, which we can re-use, but I feel like it's not very practical for breastfeeding moms -- especially if Adik Baby wakes up every 1-2 hours like her brother! =_='

And finally, one of the other bigger things which I hopefully can cross off my list is my confinement lady. The last time I came out from confinement, I felt... tired. Padahal I stayed with my mom and didn't have to do anything apart from feeding Luqman. This time round, I told all families that I'd like to try it on my own. Not that I don't appreciate them wanting to help, but I'm a big girl now. Plus, my paramount consideration is my children's comfort. I want Luqman to continue going to school and to not miss his toys and books and his familiar surroundings. I also hope that by staying in our own home, we (Adik Baby and I) would  be able to acclimatize faster to being on our own and stick to a schedule which would suit us all best. I've actually paid a booking fee to my confinement lady and now I'm just hoping that all things work out well when the time actually comes. 

I sound so much like a second time mom, don't you think? Hahaha. The things which used to matter so much back then don't really matter that much these days -- which makes me feel somewhat old, but at the same time, so much more mature, which I think really isn't a bad thing at all. 

Now, I just hope that everything will work out fine in the end and that Adik Baby would be born healthy and happy like her big brother. 

Here's to being full-term! Congratulations Adik Baby, for making it this far! :)

without a doubt

Without a doubt, when adult companionship and conversation is scarce during the week while waiting for my husband to come home -- the struggle is real. Without a doubt, when I sometimes lose my cool and the temperature rises between us (re: Luqman and I) both, we've had to go through our fair share of fights, causing bucketful of tears and teary nights.

But on days like today just last week, where laughter was free-flow, hugs were aplenty and sloppy kisses abundant, I think about all my early motherhood hurdles, my sleepless nights and constant worrying and remind myself that even though good things take time to reap after they are sowed, they are, without a doubt, (wonderfully!) worth it after all. 

These are the last few of my weeks alone with Luqman -- and somehow, unlike how most mothers feel, I am not feeling sad about the fact that he will be getting a sibling to share with me soon. More than anything, I'm mostly excited!

Although some days he acts out in rebellion (especially after a trip to the mall where everything is about buying his Adik's things) and tells me outright how he only loves me and not his Adik, most days, he ADORES her and talks to her like she's already born.

There are endless kisses to my growing belly despite his constant mocking of how huge my face is or how big I am in general (you have no idea how cheeky he is and I have no idea where he gets it from *stares at husband hmmm*) and their unilateral conversations are really, really comical plus he's really, really protective over this little girl now growing inside of me -- that I feel lucky and blessed to have such an understanding firstborn. His jealousy and antics postpartum is something we'll just have to embrace and deal with later when the time comes.

I'm really excited to meet my little baby girl too! -- because I feel like I'm so ready for this -- and also because I'm feeling so heavy and lethargic and sleepy all the time hehe. I know things won't get any easier when the newborn is actually out in the "real world" but still doesn't turn me off from wanting to see her and hold her in my arms and plant kisses on that face which she is so intent on hiding. Can you believe that the last time I saw her face during her scan was in December? Thereafter she wouldn't let any of us see that face! Grrr!

Anyways, speaking of being so ready, I really actually am not sure how I'm going to fair as a mother of 2. The endless possibilities scare me -- how it's going to change me scares me -- how it's going to affect us all scares me. Having said that though, I am trying to study every early motherhood hurdle I had to go through previously in hopes that I would be able to jump through them more gracefully this time -- or better still, eliminate the hurdle altogether.

But if despite all my efforts I'm still met with either a different set or the same set of obstacles along the way, this post would be here to remind me that at some point, all of it, without a doubt, is worth it. Wonderfully worth it.

Like really, with this (or better 2 of this!) to come home to, why wouldn't it be, right ;)

 

 

muka gembira makan roti krim coklat.

basic, but specific.

re: last post

Some people don't mind slogging on housework but for me personally, it is one of my biggest sources of stress. Come to think of it, among the reasons why I was so stressed out after the Big Move last year is because of the never ending laundry (I'm serious, it's a valid reason, it's not even funny!). So these days, I am not afraid to tell people that I reach out -- that I ask for help -- and that I don't slog. That I just can't.

Like I said in my previous post, even my husband knows that I need support.

Most people will tell me that since we're a couple, we should give each other support, people on Facebook will forward to me articles on "Tanggungjawab Suami Isteri" and the likes and while I know and appreciate the extra knowledge I get from those articles and scholarly sayings, I also know that to each their own -- and that support comes in many different forms.

Thing about me is that while I know I need support and the support I need is basic, I also know for a fact that my kind of basic -- is specific. 

 Specific as in -

Clothes are washed, hanged and dried in a certain way --  food is prepared in a particular way -- and my kitchen is later kept clean -- yes, you guessed it -- in a very particular way. My dishes must be thoroughly dried before they are kept in the cupboard and hear this -- they MUST be returned to the (specific) cupboard(s). NOT to be hanged out to dry forever and ever and ever no matter how many times you're going to reuse them in the future. And oh, I wash all my place mats after every meal -- simply wiping them and leaving them on the table until the next meal will never do.

My idea of a clean floor is one which is mopped with water (only water) at least 3 times. I don't care much for the floor cleaner and how nice it smells, I care more about whether or not the floor is harbouring dust. 

I care about how often towels and telekungs are washed -- and by my standards, Luqman's towels which I pack for him to school must be washed daily because we don't know with whom he's had to accidentally share with while he's there (which is the reason why he's got 9 of those. Yes, 9!) and ours go into the machine weekly.

Our water bottles are washed daily -- and every single part of Luqman's water bottle is dismantled so that I can clean the cap, the body, the straw and each little part before the next batch of plain water is filled in (which is the reason why he has 3 different straw cups and bottles for when he needs water while the other bottle is being washed and dried). The same apply to his milk bottles -- they are at least rinsed before the next feed (at night) and washed after each feed during the day -- also dismantled from top to toe. 

My bed must be made. But I don't like just anyone in my room. I also don't like people touching my things and changing its order without my permission.   

I don't have OCD (okay, maybe it's selective OCD and I don't know any better) and I know some thing's have got to give, but still there are things which I can never give up on. 

Now as for specific emotional support --

I appreciate presence in a comfortable silence. 

It's so simple, but it's really not.

Sometimes, people think that all the "comforting" and "words of wisdom" are necessary at the most crucial times such as labour and the "wee hour morning goodbyes with my husband" or when I'm having a heated argument with Luqman, for example -- but I guess it doesn't always apply to me. I appreciate if people let me decide on whether or not I want to deal with my sorrows on my own or in a crowd -- and I really appreciate if people would just pray for me when I reach out (especially online).

So, how many people can give that kind of (specific) support? Even some well meaning family members can't give me that.

And because of that, unless that support is in the form of a maid, or someone who is paid/commissioned to do specific jobs for me in those specific ways, I can't tell them what to do and how to do it -- because that someone could be family -- and the last people you want to hurt (no matter how unintentionally) are your own well-meaning family. Not that I plan on hurting my maid/confinement lady if I get one in the future but you get the drift, right? That if someone is commissioned and paid to do something for you, it is alot easier to tell them your specifics. That it makes alot of difference because you have some form of control over how things get done in your own home.

I scare myself with my own requirements sometimes, but being alone has opened up my mind to my own disabilities and shortcomings -- and has made me brave enough to know and admit how difficult I can be to please.

Which is why, when my husband suggests support, I tell him that there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Because as basic and simplistic as I may be, my idea of basic -- is rather specific.

Now, I've just got to figure out how to fulfill them.

--___________--"

more complicated than I seem.

Do you prefer traveling at night or in the mornings?

I don't mind either. 

So, why don't you travel at night so that you have some time to rest before you go to work?

So that you won't cry.

But I will cry regardless - it has nothing to do with night or morning. 

No, what I meant was that I don't want him to see you cry.

xxx

But yesterday, despite my best efforts, I cried -- in front of him -- I cried. The day's events were just overly overwhelming. No one hurt me and no one made me cry -- at least not intentionally -- I just did.

I know that sometimes, he says the darnest things -- things he doesn't at all mean, but there are times when his words just cut through my heart like a knife and it baffles me as to why I'm so hurt because hey, let's face it -- he's just 4!

It may just be my raging hormones. It may also be my way of telling him how hurt I feel when I see him cry. It may just be my fear of the unknown -- of the time when there will be 2 of them to deal instead of just 1. It may also be my guilt towards the new baby with whom I'm already feeling like a total failure with even before I've started!

My husband tells me that I need support. I tell him that in reality, there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but there are times when I can be more complicated than I seem. 

little things that mean big things.

I just turned 31 on 12.02.2016 but it kind of feels like I've been celebrating for a while now already.

It began with - 

Ms. Cherry Blossom wheeshing through our gates with an unexpectedly meaningful "symbol of love", so to speak, which has made us fuss over it silly. 

Then, came his trip back to us, bearing gifts -- (1) of his arriving home safely; and (2) the thing which I have for a long while now, been needing so very badly. 

On The Day itself, came a bouquet of flowers through my door with a really funny delivery story -- which then lead to a colleague discovering that that day was my birthday. 

So, after lunch, they (my colleagues) cheekily sneaked up on me in my room bearing cakes to surprise me.

-- only to be surprised in return when a certain "someone" (re: Luqman) crept out from under my table, where he was previously napping. 

The string of all things good seem to have some spillover effect on the weekends -- where our time was well spent with friends and family. 

And the only bummer was probably my having to watch my husband drive back to where he came from while I got all teary (yes, 1 month in the arrangement and I'm still pretty much a crybaby).

This year, we didn't take the obligatory leave to celebrate as we do normally. And nope, we didn't plan on anything fancy.

Instead, we embraced life as it came and gave each other what we needed the most -- which is our presence, our patience, our love -- and each other. 

-- and of course, all the little things that mean big things that matter.

we're never just mothers anymore.

Pejam celik -- it's already the 28th day of January. 

Though it's been a pretty challenging month, what with me handling Luqman on my own with my ever growing belly, I've got to say that it hasn't been all that bad. 

Because in all honesty, it's been a pretty productive month too! 

Among the things that I love about my pregnancies (so far at least) is that those 9 months are almost always the most productive time of my life -- like ever! Sure, I do have off days where all I want to do is curl up and sleep and some days, I do just give in and sleep (don't ask where or how), but most days, I'm just happy to get things done and being productive just genuinely makes me happy -- which I reckon is good for producing happy babies (in sha Allah). 

Speaking of which, with time passing by so fast, it kind of scares me a little that my EDD (16.04.2016) is getting nearer. I pretty much had a non-eventful labour the last time, Alhamdulillah and despite my early breastfeeding and motherhood hurdles, things have turned out fine with Luqman (at least for now).

But having said that, it has been 4 years since I last raised a newborn and I've kind of forgotten what I did right (and wrong HAHA)... so I guess it's true what they say about mothers making different mistakes with each child -- as if they've never been a mother before. 

Phew.  

Speaking of motherhood, I noticed that mothers these days like to label ourselves according to groups -- according to how we prefer to bring up and/or feed our children, for example. It seems like we're never just mothers.

There's "Natural Parenting" and "Gentle Parenting" and "Home Made Solid Food For Babies" and "Baby Wearing" and "Kumpulan Ibu Menyusu" and all kinds of other names abbreviated into fancy little labels.

While I admit that these groups are great help especially for the once "Newbie Mom" and also "I Forgot How I Did Things Second Time Mom" like myself, and that it is extremely commendable to keep increasing ourselves in knowledge -- I have to say that I find some groups to be extremely intimidating -- and please, let's not get started on how high-handed some mothers can be about their choices -- hence making them seem extremely judgmental about others' choices. And what's up with using religion as part of your argument for every little thing?
 

What happened to doing something/anything that just seems like the right thing to do at that point in time? What happened to intuition -- the thing that only mothers (and fathers too) have when it comes to their children? What happened to being a diversified and flexible parent which allows you to just go with the flow when the situation requires -- so that your children too will grow up to be diversified and flexible. What is up with us and our obsession with all the labels we stick to ourselves? We are not trademarked products -- we are people -- PARENTS!

I truly believe that a parent can never be just one type of parent -- I know that Gentle Parenting promotes a parent to be Authoritative, which I agree wholeheartedly with BUT having said that, some things have got to give. I believe that no parent likes to use threats but if your paramount consideration is to get out of the door in one piece during school runs early in the mornings (while getting to work on time too!) -- then use those little threats if they work. And if the only way to get your son to finish his dinner is by letting him have some TV time and probably a few pieces of OREO before dinner time, so be it! -- as long as he eats his dinner and you (more like I) don't have to wake up 10,000 times a night to make milk because he's hungry.

I guess I've been taught from my early days of motherhood that we must teach our children things that we can live with. Sure, it's noble to give our kids better things than we ever had but if it breaks our banks and causes unnecessary stress and resentment, what will we become as a parent? So, let the child sleep while we have the TV on, keep the blinds open during the day during nap time so that you don't have to keep the house dark just because your kid needs to sleep, supplement with formula if you've been pumping 6 times a day and you still can't fulfill your child's need of 21 oz at least while you're at work.

As long as you're not abusing your child, keeping them safe and not depriving them of their education, you're doing a great job as a parent -- at least in my books. After all, parenthood is not a competition -- so long as you've got your strings intact and no labels attached ;)    

in case this is the last time.

"Let me photograph you in this light

in case this is the last time

that we might be exactly like we were

before we realised

we we sad of getting old

it made us restless

it was just like a movie

it was just like a song..."

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for us since my husband lost 2 of his good friends -- both of whom I knew -- one through my friendship with one of my TKC girls and the other, through basketball gatherings. 

There are really no words I can say right now -- as those words have been said to those who matter the most.

But the song above basically captures my thoughts (and hopefully explains the tears) as I watched my husband drive away in the wee hours of Sunday morning, back to where he came from, demi sesuap rezeki. 

Because it took those two deaths to make me really realise that "from him we come and to him we shall return". 

Al-Fatihah for the both of them. May they both be placed among the righteous and rest peacefully.