context

Assessment period is here! 

And that means it's time for us to write, write and write some more!

Transitioning from a career woman to a student again has been okay for me so far and I guess it's partly due to the "soft landing" I've had in the past 2 years (more on that later in a much longer post, I suppose).

I have always looked forward to becoming a student again. After all, I was (back in my undergraduate days) one of those annoying girls who would sit at the front of the class, vigourously taking notes and asking questions when the rest of the class was ready to leave for lunch. Hehe.

And though in this round of being a student, I am also a wife... and mother and those roles come with challenges of their own, I have come to terms with the fact that there can never really be perfection in any of these roles. Most days, I'm just winging it. 

I'm currently sitting in the library, with a huge window before me, basking in the sun (well, whatever is left there for the day, that is). And in this past week, I have thought alot about how sometimes, people need to be given context -- about me and my life now. 

While it's true that I've become really good at ignoring what other people think of me, and my focus after I turned 35 was basically to keep on going in a direction that my future self would thank me for, there are times when I tell things to people about myself, just to give them a little bit of context. 

My life as it is hasn't always been like this and I wasn't always like this. 

"You're so lucky" is the impression that most people have about me and I admit that to a large extent, I have been blessed in so many ways. But, like I said before, my (our) life wasn't always like this. Our "luckiness" didn't appear overnight and it's existence has a direct correlation with how hard we worked -- on our jobs, our marriage, our children and also our personal development. 

Were there blood and tears? Well, of course there were, there was plenty.

Hence, sometimes, when speaking to people who have not seen me go through it all, I give them a little bit of context -- of the many long years we were in a long-distance marriage, of the 7-year itch which apparently isn't a myth (please don't ever think that you won't ever get bitten by it no matter how strong your marriage is) and of generally how tough some times were (I initially wrote a really long paragraph about this and then deleted it because I can't, to this day, write about it).

I need to give them context because they need to know that sometimes, when it all adds up, it makes sense that we are who we are today and that our lives are the way it is today. If that explains anything at all. 

Of course, it's always easy to think that someone has it easy because they are lucky...

 ...but even if have been blessed in so many ways MasyaAllah, in so many ways, we have also learned to count everything we've been granted with as a blessing. 

So, yes, read that last sentence again.

And we hope that you could now put it all into perspective.

these thoughts won't won't fit on my IG post

This is going to take more than 140 words. 

Because frankly I can't really find the words to describe how I feel.

Because really, it's all feeling so very surreal, even though it's been almost 2 months now since we arrived and settled in.

x

Hello there from the UK. Yes, I am in the UK. In fact, we are all in the UK. We, being the #clingyclan. 

We've had this planned for about 2 years now and some of the days and months leading to today did at some point feel impossible, so much so that we lost hope over so many things, so many times over. Hence, making being here today feel even more surreal. 

Embarking on this journey, we kept many things under covers. We wanted to stay in our lane and didn't want to list help unnecessarily or get advice that were unsolicited. We wanted to try and do things our way, in our own pace, and to only get help from those who we knew wanted to help, genuinely. 

So here's a big shout out to those who helped get us here today! We could never have done it without your unwavering support.

Here for almost 2 months now, and I have come to the realisation that all we need is time. 

We need time to settle in, to adjust and time to get used to even the most basic of things. Moving to a foreign country (albeit at your own volition) is major, and giving yourself time and forgiving yourself for your shortcomings really, really helps. 

From past experience, I have learned not to push myself unnecessarily, and know better to make peace with myself for not figuring things out immediately (or ever, really!) and I have come to terms with the fact that as a normal human being with flaws of my own, some days I am upbeat and fine, but other days... well, other days like today, I am just feeling a tad bit bluer than I normally do. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's okay.

At the beginning of November, I saw a random IG post, which told me to begin November by reflecting on how far I've come this year.

And... wow. What a year it has been! 

To think that it was filled with all the important things; like sitting for IELTS, family members falling gravely sick, us moving homes, kids starting a new year at school and doing really well just before we left, visa applications, us scrambling to find a new home here in the UK, us worrying about how we were going to cope being students while raising our school-going children in a foreign place without family support, us packing 11 bags in anticipation of our move, me traveling on a separate plane than Hajihaji with the kids (and 7 bags!), us unpacking our lives here in our new place and now learning to call this place home, kids going to new schools and now enjoying themselves, and somehow in all of these experiences, despite our differences and inevitable arguments, Hajihaji and I have found renewed strength in each other as partners.

I guess it's no surprise that upon reflection of what 2023 has been (so far), I am feeling a little nostalgic. My playlist is most definitely not helping, and the fact that assessments have been uploaded for our action and my purple brain not allowing me to fall into an abyss of mediocrity (at least where preparation is concerned) is just adding up to my melancholy.

 I know that amongst my aims coming here is to come out from this experience more intellectually enlightened, and frankly, since I'm on scholarship and fully aware that I'm being funded by the hard-earned money of tax-paying Malaysians, I know that it'd be in everyone's interest that I do (really) well.

But... having said that, I know too, that this opportunity only comes once in a blue moon, and perhaps only far and few in between, and so I must learn to let my hair down... and plan for some of the fun things too.

But of course, only after I complete my assessment outline (I know right, boooooo!) But I'm really only doing this because I need to plan my life ahead so that I can really enjoy my holidays, instead of working on my assessments then! 

And with that, I shall get back to my assessments.

Despite the melancholy mood in which the post was written, I really, am truly grateful that we are here, experiencing all that we are experiencing, as a unit-- together. 

I need to always look back to this year... and think about those times when I had once wished for all that I now have. MasyaAllah, we must be thankful, always, for all the blessings we've been granted with.

With that, here's to 2023, and to all our future adventures ahead!

We're totally feeling September

"But I can see us lost in a memory

August slipped away into a moment of time..."

-Taylor Swift

Today is the first day of September and after all that we've been through, and despite all the uncertainties ahead, I am totally feeling September.

So many things have happened this year, and so many times, I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on this journey, but didn't. And although no one really knows where this road will lead, I am glad that I didn't give up on this dream. 

September is really, really here!

We're down to tying up the loose ends, and getting mentally ready for what lies ahead. 

I've got to be honest that switching from one mode to another totally different one is quite a tall order, but having something totally different (and totally outside my comfort zone) to look forward in the near future to is making my counting days alot more exciting than I thought it would be. 

So, I'm nervous, I'm excited and at times scared, even. 

But I'm totally feeling September, especially now that September is here! 

Wish us luck, we're going to need all that we can get!

Taking #traveloghajikarimahanisa Here

Zulkaedah is here! And Hajj season is back again. It really warms my heart to see the first of our jemaah safely landed and happy in Madinah because it totally brings me back to our experience there, which was just exceptionally amazing! 

Since my last post, I haven't really updated on anything with regards to our Hajj, not even on IG, where I started #traveloghajikarimhanisa. Because somehow, each time I finished a story on our travelog, both of us would get really emotional and we would inevitably land ourselves into a silly nonsensical argument! I guess we just miss Hajj alot and any recount of our memories just hits our core in ways we cannot really explain. That, plus, it took me 6 whole months to not cry each time I recount my memories of Hajj.

But then, like I said, Zulkaedah is here again! And Masha Allah, more than a dozen people, who we know personally, will be performing their Hajj this year Alhamdulillah! 

And ironically, instead of us visiting them, most of them have been visiting us, asking us of our experience, although we are far from being experts on Hajj.   

Well, anyway, due to my excitement, I digress. 

I began this post with the intention of sharing as much as I possibly can to finish off the details of our #traveloghajikarimhanisa because there have been so many requests on IG to do so, which I feel the need to oblige. 

So, here goes. 

***

When I called my mom on that Friday morning on the 1st July 2022, I heard a grim silence on her end as I broke the news to her that we were going for our Hajj the following Monday (4th of July 2022). Knowing how worried she was, I told her to trust me because I would always make informed decisions, even more so for something as huge as Hajj. My mom didn't try to stop me because she knew that when I had decided something for myself, there really would be no point in trying to change my mind.

That grim silence was then broken by a very important question, 

"SO, WHEN DO I GET THE KIDS?"

Hahahahahaha. 

Thing is, although my parents really had no idea what we were up to, I think my mom had ALWAYS KNOWN that we would be going for our Hajj in 1443H.  

Around this time last year, as Syawal came to a close, she was the one who kept tabs on Tabung Haji quota and updated me on all things Hajj-related. 

In fact, when KT01 took off last year, she said, 

"Ma betul-betul ingat you pergi Haji tahun ni.".

Once, we left the kids with my parents one afternoon and snuck out to meet Wafi to pay our deposit, and at the time, I knew she could sniff that we were up to something. She wouldn't stop asking us about what we were up to, but at the same time, it seemed like she could feel it was about Hajj. 

It's not that we kept our intentions and desire to perform Hajj a secret from both our parents. In fact, we were always asking them to pray for us. 

It's just that, we all know that any mention of a Hajj visa coming from other than Tabung Haji will always be met with opposition, suspicion and a lot of questions, which we weren't sure we were ready to fend off at the time without us offending or hurting or worrying anyone unnecessarily. 

 Of course, we knew that their worries were not unfounded -- what with news and first-hand encounters by their friends who went for Hajj using Visa Haji Furada. We knew and understood that very well, but at the same time, all we knew is that we wanted to go for our Hajj. And it didn't really matter to us whether it was with Tabung Haji, or not, as long as we got to go. 

***

Among the reasons why we decided to go down this road (perform Hajj with Visa Haji Mujalamah (which is different from Furada but later on that matter)), is because our turn for Hajj with Tabung Haji is just too far away. Even if I lived long enough, I would be 87 then. Like I mentioned previously on IG at the beginning of #traveloghajikarimhanisa, we had been filing appeals ever since 2017, even before the existence of THijari. We basically just wanted to go. And last year, we knew we were ready to go. 

If any of you are riding down the same path as us, where you feel like and know with all your heart that it's time, and have done everything within your control to get a Hajj visa through less risky means such as through appeals to Tabung Haji to no avail, know that there are other options such as Visa Haji Mujamalah/Furada which you can consider. If you go with the right travel agency, Visa Haji Mujamalah is a legitimate piece of travel document, which will allow you to perform Hajj during that particular year legally.

Just make sure you make informed decisions about your choices so as to avoid disappointment and of course, to avoid being tricked or scammed due to your desperation. 

This year, we can assume that all the Malaysian Tabung Haji quota has been spent. 

But Visa Haji from other sources (Mujamalah/Furada) are most probably still available.

  

3 January 2023

3/365.

Has it really been that long since I last updated this space? 

Yes, it has. 

Truth is, there are so many unpublished posts in my tray, but I somehow never found the motivation or need to post them. And it's not that I'm silent just in this space here, I can't be found updating much anywhere else either. 

Over the years, I've  discovered that keeping most of my life under covers has helped me stay in my lane. That, plus the fact that people generally ruin beautiful things-- which I definitely could do without. 

But here I am today, simply because it is a nice date. And simply because I wanted to note what a wonderfully fulfilling year 2022 was. 

The biggest highlight of 2022 was that on 4th of July 2022, my husband and I both left for Hajj, Alhamdulillah. 

So technically, this is the 6th month anniversary since. 

Even if it has been 6 months since, I don't think I ever got over missing the whole Hajj experience. I once read a friend's description about seeing the Kaabah for the first time-- and she said that the feeling is not something that can be explained, only experienced. 

And I thought, that that was the most apt description of what I've been feeling about my whole Hajj experience. 

It truly was an exceptionally life-changing time like no other. 

I plan to pen down my experiences in this blog (if time permits) because it was through others' blogs that I learned so many things leading to my Hajj. That, plus I'd like to be able to look back and think of all the wonderful times we had while hoping that others would be able to benefit from them too.

But for now, I think this photo would suffice for now. Rindu. Always.

Mabit in Mudzalifah.