blessings for the introverted soul and a little about loving yourself.

I see alot of people doing their own version of #lockdownchallenge and it's rather entertaining to see how people are trying their best to cope and make things interesting in these trying times. And though I haven't joined in any of these challenges myself, I too cope with being cooped up in my own way. 

By nature, I am (mostly) an introvert, so spending too much time with others (even family) drains my energy. I used to be ashamed to admit this, but now that I've really come to terms with this fact, I'm happy that I've identified one of the main reasons why I always need to retract and recharge and take a breather from things. 

 Be that as it may, my introverted nature has caused me to be extremely reluctant to join in talks or events or greet and meets because I simply don't know what to say and do on such occasions. Small talk really isn't my ball game HAHA, I'm really awkward around people I don't know and even if I go with someone I know, being in these events physically causes me a fair bit of discomfort. Plus, my main aim in joining events or classes is predominantly because I want to learn something new and so mingling and making connections is just... well... an ancillary consequence that I anticipate but don't really care for. Hence, with all of this in mind... I never joined any of the talks I was interested in...

until recently... my other half asked me if I'd like to attend an online talk and the speaker was none other than Mizi Wahid! 

I have all 3 of his books, finished reading 2/3 (stopped mid-way You Are Loved because I started on Secrets of Divine Love and I got hooked hehe), and I have re-read The Art of Letting God again and again. So, anyway, I was just trying to prove my point that I am an avid fan of his works --

OF COURSE I SAID YES WHEN MY HUSBAND ASKED!

And so, we sat there, listening to his one hour talk (+Q&A) and I'm happy to report that I'm such a happy clam! Not only was I able to attend my first talk ever, I was able to achieve the exact thing that I want, which is... more knowledge! Aaaa, days like this are such blessings for an introverted soul such as myself!

...

One of the questions, which was asked during that session is one that I myself have been really interested about, which is --

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-LOVE AND SELFISHNESS.

Where do we draw the line?

Some time in 2018, when I was going through a period of intense personal growth, I actually asked one of colleagues (whom I truly love and respect) -- of whether I should "simply be myself because God made me this way" OR if I needed to change myself so that others are pleased with me.

And her answer then was so simple -- 

"Allah made us all with our own set of characteristics, quirks, weaknesses. But those are only tests for us because no way Allah did Allah mean for us to be of  harm to others. So, if our characteristics, quirks and weaknesses cause harm to others, then, that is the indication that we need to change our ways -- not so they are pleased with us, but so that we stop being a harm to them.".

And that answer has stuck with me since then... and it has made me change some of my ways -- those which I felt were harming others and also those which I felt were self-destructive.

Turns out, Mizi Wahid in his book "You Are Loved" also said --

"Loving yourself does not mean that it gives you the license to push for the right to be accepted even when you display rude, selfish, and obnoxious behaviour.

I had to write about his briefly, as I am seeing more and more such behaviour being displayed, most apparently on social media. I have noticed that in the quest of trying to encourage more voices to be open and heard, and for individuals to be unapologetic for who they are, some have misunderstood the whole point and believe that they no longer have to be nice and courteous to people anymore. And that is just not right."

With that, let us all remember that we were placed on this earth for a purpose and that purpose is never to harm others, or ourselves.

Here's to hoping that today has been a good one, and that it will continue to be great :)

you're simply the best

I had quite a productive morning today and now that my batteries are running a little bit low, I decided that I deserve a break.

I'm thinking of whether or not I should get some coffee, but considering that it might only arrive in 30 minutes at least, I'm contemplating against it. But then again, you know how sometimes you can just taste that something something that you've been craving for as if it's already there in your mouth? Yeah... that's what I'm experiencing right now, so I might as well just get it?

I don't know.

I've lost count of how many weeks it has been -- both the MCO and the number of weeks since my transfer to this new Division (if you hadn't already figured out what I was yapping about in my crazy cryptic 8 Weeks In Post). But due to my productive morning, I have been able to console and convince myself that I am not as much of as a loser as I initially thought I was and that for now, I'm doing my best. 

And sometimes, that's all there is to it.

But what is considered "doing my best?"

Of late, I've had to come face to face with the fact that "my best" may not be up to mark with another person's definition of "the best". Likewise, I may not appreciate someone else's "best efforts" as "the best". And trying to accept the difference in standard requires so much effort. In fact, it sometimes requires too much effort.

I've also noticed that sometimes, when I give "my best", people take me for a ride because they somehow know that I will get things done, even when I didn't have to, even when I say that I don't want to -- simply because I always do. And while I know that somehow or rather, in one way or another, this will work in my favour, I can't help but wonder if that is the reason why I always burn out so fast at work. Like I said in my previous post, I once weathered the challenges at another department in Menara Usahawan despite loathing the subject matter then and look at the great places that that took me! 

But still, I wish I knew how to slow down while at the same time, I wish that I had more tolerance towards the difference in standard of what "the best" should be. Until then, let's just end today on that note because I really didn't mean for this post to be so serious anyway.

things I need to be okay with.

On all the social media platforms in which I have an account, I see too much of everything -- too much negativity, too much positivity, too much hatred, too much love. Just way too much of everything that I don't really want to know --

-- which makes me (unnecessarily) annoyed, especially knowing that the authors of the negative, positive, hate and love posts didn't direct any of their posts towards me.

I know for a fact that it's just me, that I am the problem... that I was the one who had had enough of negativity, positivity,  hatred and love and I need to get away from it all. I was becoming the "evil eye".

Which is why I am here. This is my safe space. 

The relevance of this space may be questionable to the rest of the universe, but for me this space is bliss. I am allowed to show my true colours and upload totally un-Instagrammable content because who's looking this way anyway? Hahaha. 

Well, anyway, now that that is out of my system, I feel so much better. 

Because truth to be told, like I already mentioned earlier last year when the MCO was first implemented, this pandemic will come with its own set of losses. There is absolutely no winning against it -- because whichever way you go, something or someone is bound to lose. What's worse is that this particular cycle/strain/variant brings about with it loss of money and loss of lives. In fact, I personally know of a few people who have lost their loved ones due to the pandemic and I can only start to imagine what that might feel like. 

And while I have (Alhamdulillah) not lost anything too precious that I may never recover from, there are things which I too struggle daily with.

After all, I am only human. And there are time when I feel like way too much positivity kills. Like just because I struggle differently, I don't deserve to struggle? What kind of judgmental world do we live in, really? Yet in the same breath, I simply cannot stand too much of the negativity or self-loathe by others that I see on the daily, which is totally and completely judgmental of me.

To put it simply, I am for want of better word, conflicted. So, so conflicted. 

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

I feel like I'm losing my centre from having to juggle working from home with the kids' online classes and having to plan daily meals on a never-ending basis because on top of living with a super clingy clan, I happen to live with a really hungry one too *insert monologue telling myself to be grateful for family, food and all things good*. 

And while in actuality, for the most part, I am undoubtedly grateful for all that I have, there are just some days when I am... off.

Do you feel me?

Do you understand that this in no way means that I am ungrateful... or that I have all this while been unempathetic towards those who have less than what I have or that I a whiny little **toot**, but it just means that I have my days?

***

And to be honest, I have had the draft above for days now, but somehow, despite feeling like this platform is the safest, I still didn't find the courage to post it -- out of fear that I may seem ungrateful despite seeming to have it all. 

Until I came across this today, and I know that it's okay. That I am okay and I need to first and foremost, be okay with the things which can be equally true.

Eight Weeks In

I constantly remind myself that it is okay, that I will be okay , that it has ONLY been 8 weeks. I have ONLY been here, for 8 weeks -- hence, I need to give myself a break.

I need to learn to forgive my own shortcomings -- for not having the "right" sources and resources (for now at least) because my 8 weeks here can never match my 13 years of sources and resources in my previous work place because it has after all, only been ... you guessed it -- 8 WEEKS.

I also need to remind myself that these feelings that I have aren't peculiar to this situation alone -- that I have, some 8 years ago felt the same way after my transfer to some other new department at Menara Usahawan after having spent 5 years at the Headquarters back then. At the time, I was so "homesick" I even detested the automated flushing system in the restrooms and hated the fact that they didn't provide us with plastic label tags -- like seriously, the littlest things got to me, you have no idea. And this annoyance was so unwarranted because it's not that I was in love with Headquarters or anything of the sort.  

Nonetheless, I didn't give up on myself then -- even when I knew that certain people (the boss back then, no less!) had preconceived ideas about the kind of person that I was -- and had doubts of my ability to work under the circumstances that Menara Usahawan was in at the time. I didn't care and soldiered on. I didn't know anything other than giving my best -- and that's exactly what I did. I gave it my best shot. And believe you me, it totally worked in my favour.  

It not only worked in my favour  in my quest of gaining my Department's trust, I eventually came to love the subject matter I HATED the most prior to me moving to Menara Usahawan. It was a subject matter I had been avoiding for all of my short career back then and my goodness it was so hard to learn but now that I know it, I think it's really hard not to love.  

Which is probably why leaving it all behind is hitting me hard... because when my transfer order came out 8 weeks ago, exhausted and jaded as I was with everything going on, I already had the year planned. Sure, I welcomed the change because it was due... it has, after all been 5 (really long) years! But having left that life behind for 8 weeks now... I can't help but miss it.  

What makes things worst is that MCO is now implemented and we have limited face to face interactions... and so, creating connections over texts and Google Meets just isn't the same, which makes the challenge of acquiring trust become just so much more harder than it should be! 

I'm working so hard to kill the demons inside my head. I tell myself that it is okay. That Allah is giving me a chance to work on myself -- because it is ONLY through an empty vessel that I will start learning new things again. And right now, that's exactly what I am right now -- an empty vessel. An empty vessel that can unlearn all that she had learned before, so that she can relearn all the new things there is to learn.

living with YOU

My thoughts as I drove to work today - is on how I am to adapt to living with this pandemic. Because clearly, it looks like it's here to stay.

I'll be honest that at this point, I have given up on all my 2020 plans. 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that my 2020 did not turn out the way I thought it would be. And that it never will.

Although I didn't exactly have any grand plans for my kids and our family, I now have to settle with the fact that we can't even spend our day-to-day as we knew it. Up until January til the end of February (when the gravity of this pandemic hadn't yet set in), we had gotten into a comfortable rhythm -- we were able to balance between work, kids' after school classes, weekend activities, family visits and everything else in between. 

Then, March came, and totally turned our lives upside down. Though I must say that there are many upsides to being in total lockdown (at least for our family), there have also been moments when our patience and sanity were tested -- especially work-wise, for me --

and those moments have made me realise (even more so) that the challenges I am facing is akin to a huge (HUGE) boulder, which is impossible to push. 

And with that, I (no, wait, actually WE as partners and parents) have learned to manage our expectations better.

...

The above is something that I wrote on 20th October 2020, when PKPB was implemented AGAIN after so many months of some sort of normalcy, and then today 30 days into 2021, I can't believe that not much has changed since.

To be honest, when PKP 2.0 was announced, I was flabbergasted. I simply could not bear the thought of having to go through the entire process of total lockdown again -- ONCE was enough for me... and that is HUGE coming from ME, considering how much of a homebody I am.

I guess the thought of having to manage wayyy too much on my plate really just got to me. I had gone through it before in 2020, where I needed to juggle between work, and kids online classes and keeping my sanity intact... and it really just took a toll on me in a way I never imagined it could. This is me we're talking about -- I've always prided in the fact that I have high pain  thresholds, high patience levels and I could take anything life threw my way, but the many types of movement control orders implemented (and the effects of it that followed) simply just changed me and I am not proud of what I am becoming. 

I used to tell people that we should not let life harden us -- and yet, as life with COVID-19 turned out that way it did, I found out that it was becoming increasingly difficult to follow my own advice -- I had let life harden me, as I hardened my resolve to just keep swimming. 

I may be one of the luckier ones (at least where my pay and livelihood are not so much affected), but I've got to say, that "life with COVID-19" as I know it, has somewhat turned my life upside down and tested me in ways I never thought it would. As I constantly find the best ways to battle with the demons inside my head, I do hope that me and all of you, however you are affected, will come out of this challenge unscathed. 

Until then, may we find the strength in our hearts to take each difficult step in our path, and to place our utmost trust in the Most Loving, Most Merciful -- that He will not put us a situation too difficult for us to bear.