context

Assessment period is here! 

And that means it's time for us to write, write and write some more!

Transitioning from a career woman to a student again has been okay for me so far and I guess it's partly due to the "soft landing" I've had in the past 2 years (more on that later in a much longer post, I suppose).

I have always looked forward to becoming a student again. After all, I was (back in my undergraduate days) one of those annoying girls who would sit at the front of the class, vigourously taking notes and asking questions when the rest of the class was ready to leave for lunch. Hehe.

And though in this round of being a student, I am also a wife... and mother and those roles come with challenges of their own, I have come to terms with the fact that there can never really be perfection in any of these roles. Most days, I'm just winging it. 

I'm currently sitting in the library, with a huge window before me, basking in the sun (well, whatever is left there for the day, that is). And in this past week, I have thought alot about how sometimes, people need to be given context -- about me and my life now. 

While it's true that I've become really good at ignoring what other people think of me, and my focus after I turned 35 was basically to keep on going in a direction that my future self would thank me for, there are times when I tell things to people about myself, just to give them a little bit of context. 

My life as it is hasn't always been like this and I wasn't always like this. 

"You're so lucky" is the impression that most people have about me and I admit that to a large extent, I have been blessed in so many ways. But, like I said before, my (our) life wasn't always like this. Our "luckiness" didn't appear overnight and it's existence has a direct correlation with how hard we worked -- on our jobs, our marriage, our children and also our personal development. 

Were there blood and tears? Well, of course there were, there was plenty.

Hence, sometimes, when speaking to people who have not seen me go through it all, I give them a little bit of context -- of the many long years we were in a long-distance marriage, of the 7-year itch which apparently isn't a myth (please don't ever think that you won't ever get bitten by it no matter how strong your marriage is) and of generally how tough some times were (I initially wrote a really long paragraph about this and then deleted it because I can't, to this day, write about it).

I need to give them context because they need to know that sometimes, when it all adds up, it makes sense that we are who we are today and that our lives are the way it is today. If that explains anything at all. 

Of course, it's always easy to think that someone has it easy because they are lucky...

 ...but even if have been blessed in so many ways MasyaAllah, in so many ways, we have also learned to count everything we've been granted with as a blessing. 

So, yes, read that last sentence again.

And we hope that you could now put it all into perspective.

these thoughts won't won't fit on my IG post

This is going to take more than 140 words. 

Because frankly I can't really find the words to describe how I feel.

Because really, it's all feeling so very surreal, even though it's been almost 2 months now since we arrived and settled in.

x

Hello there from the UK. Yes, I am in the UK. In fact, we are all in the UK. We, being the #clingyclan. 

We've had this planned for about 2 years now and some of the days and months leading to today did at some point feel impossible, so much so that we lost hope over so many things, so many times over. Hence, making being here today feel even more surreal. 

Embarking on this journey, we kept many things under covers. We wanted to stay in our lane and didn't want to list help unnecessarily or get advice that were unsolicited. We wanted to try and do things our way, in our own pace, and to only get help from those who we knew wanted to help, genuinely. 

So here's a big shout out to those who helped get us here today! We could never have done it without your unwavering support.

Here for almost 2 months now, and I have come to the realisation that all we need is time. 

We need time to settle in, to adjust and time to get used to even the most basic of things. Moving to a foreign country (albeit at your own volition) is major, and giving yourself time and forgiving yourself for your shortcomings really, really helps. 

From past experience, I have learned not to push myself unnecessarily, and know better to make peace with myself for not figuring things out immediately (or ever, really!) and I have come to terms with the fact that as a normal human being with flaws of my own, some days I am upbeat and fine, but other days... well, other days like today, I am just feeling a tad bit bluer than I normally do. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's okay.

At the beginning of November, I saw a random IG post, which told me to begin November by reflecting on how far I've come this year.

And... wow. What a year it has been! 

To think that it was filled with all the important things; like sitting for IELTS, family members falling gravely sick, us moving homes, kids starting a new year at school and doing really well just before we left, visa applications, us scrambling to find a new home here in the UK, us worrying about how we were going to cope being students while raising our school-going children in a foreign place without family support, us packing 11 bags in anticipation of our move, me traveling on a separate plane than Hajihaji with the kids (and 7 bags!), us unpacking our lives here in our new place and now learning to call this place home, kids going to new schools and now enjoying themselves, and somehow in all of these experiences, despite our differences and inevitable arguments, Hajihaji and I have found renewed strength in each other as partners.

I guess it's no surprise that upon reflection of what 2023 has been (so far), I am feeling a little nostalgic. My playlist is most definitely not helping, and the fact that assessments have been uploaded for our action and my purple brain not allowing me to fall into an abyss of mediocrity (at least where preparation is concerned) is just adding up to my melancholy.

 I know that amongst my aims coming here is to come out from this experience more intellectually enlightened, and frankly, since I'm on scholarship and fully aware that I'm being funded by the hard-earned money of tax-paying Malaysians, I know that it'd be in everyone's interest that I do (really) well.

But... having said that, I know too, that this opportunity only comes once in a blue moon, and perhaps only far and few in between, and so I must learn to let my hair down... and plan for some of the fun things too.

But of course, only after I complete my assessment outline (I know right, boooooo!) But I'm really only doing this because I need to plan my life ahead so that I can really enjoy my holidays, instead of working on my assessments then! 

And with that, I shall get back to my assessments.

Despite the melancholy mood in which the post was written, I really, am truly grateful that we are here, experiencing all that we are experiencing, as a unit-- together. 

I need to always look back to this year... and think about those times when I had once wished for all that I now have. MasyaAllah, we must be thankful, always, for all the blessings we've been granted with.

With that, here's to 2023, and to all our future adventures ahead!