Happy Humpday

Throughout the whole journey to work today, I vowed to make today a better day.

So, the moment I arrived at my work station, I slapped on some lipstick just so I look a little better. And I decided -- that this little space of mine deserves some TLC -- and today, I decided that I deserve this *teenytiny* short break because it has been a rather long month or two or three (hehe) for me.

Truth is, despite my silence, I have been around, drafting drafts which never get posted, and thinking thoughts that never get written... or spoken. Most days on this page involves me simply staring at the blinking cursor, thinking about where or how to begin --  or if I even should. And obviously, that has resulted in the super long hiatus.

My days and months away have actually been more eventful than you think. 

In fact, I'd say that this year has been a year of major adjustments for me and my family.

I "suddenly" have a "baby" who turned 7 this year and all of a sudden, we've had to deal with early morning school runs, parent-teacher meets, homework, mathematics (like OMG!), lost water bottles and all the normal and not so normal school boy problems. And I find that my love for him grows along with his growth, and each day, I see how well he has blossomed and can't help but feel a sense of pride over how far he has come. 

On the other hand, my other "baby" whose birth story I never got to write, is also not a baby anymore as she turned 3 in April. Each day with her is a new challenge, as she constantly pushes my buttons in the most passive aggressive ways we can possibly think of! She really is a ball of fire and ice all in one and one can move from the feeling of adoration to annoyance towards her in a matter of seconds! She really is a force to be reckoned with and she totally puts me back in the position of a "first time mom" all over again because with her, I can never be too sure that she's BabyCentre material (^.^''). Be that as it may, I thank Allah everyday for putting her into our lives, for she really is a ray of sunshine on all our rainy days. 

Speaking of being a mom of two, I have actually come to the realisation that I never really figured it out. What I did was to simply do the best that I could, in the way I thought was best. And in all honesty, doing things according to my own ideals have helped me become less hard on myself and gives me a chance to love my kids as they are rather than hoping that they'd conform to society's standard of what a "good kid" should be.

Apart from the our little (mis)adventures at home, life at work has also been somewhat overwhelming, for want of better word.

People oftentime think that all Public Servants are... well, the typical Public Servants, and though I used to, with all my might, fight to rebut the general perception of me... of us, these days, I just let them be. 

Like seriously, if I could flaunt all of the work that I do and shout from the rooftops about how awesome most of my smart and hardworking colleagues are, I would. Okay I lie, it's totally against my principles to go all gebang about all the good things that we do, but that's besides the point. The point is that my absence from this space for months on end in itself should serve as a proof of how I really haven't had the time nor energy for anything other than work and family. Heck, I started this post so early in the morning, like the moment I arrived and only get to post this 4 hours after! 

Post-GE14 has been particularly challenging as we all try to maneuver our way through uncharted territories. On top of that, now that I'm at this stage of my career (11 years in Service, you do the math), I have suddenly become wayy more "enlightened" about how office politics makes the world go round. And quite frankly, the game of politics (and backbiting) doesn't suit me well at all, having been a staunch believer that (real) talent should consist of both elements i.e. your brain AND how you make people feel. But from the looks of it right now, it seems to me that "how you make people feel" definitely gets the centre stage where certain things are concerned, leaving us absolutely no choice -- 

we either jump on the "feel good" bandwagon or fight the temptation and keep believing that someday, someone out there will recongnise "your brain" as real talent.

And though I admit that it is at times disheartening to know how misinterpreted real talent is, I guess I'd stick to the latter any time, just so my conscience is clear -- and so I can sleep peacefully at night.

And on that note, after yearss of Service, I have made a decision, to try as much as I possibly can to strike a work-personal life balance. 

But you know what, I really, really have to run, so more on that some time later? 

(by now you'd know "later" probably means in another quarter heeeheee)

2018 - the year of (intense) personal growth.

It does seem a little late for a 2018 recap, don't you think?

But considering what a nice date today is, I figured that it would be a good time to restart blogging (even if with just one post hehe). Because to be really honest, I have missed blogging so very badly.

Months have passed since my last post and to be honest, it was right after that post that the doors of countless opportunities were opened to me. I don't know how else to express my amazement, but masya Allah, the power of doa and a hopeful, wondering heart, has on countless occasions, proven to do wonders to my soul.

2018 has proven to be a year of intense growth for me, personally. 2018 saw me going through so much, and much of which were things I never quite imagined I would ever have to go through. I received alot of blessings yes, but 2018 also brought about with it so many tears and neverending, burning questions of what the future holds. I learned that with hardship comes ease. I also learned how important it was to always remember Allah, even in times of happiness. Especially in times of happiness. Because it's when we are (too) happy that we tend to forget who our hearts really belong to - and that He, is the turner of hearts. That He too, is the best of planners, even when it doesn't seem like so at the time.

There were times when I felt like I have been stretched thin in all directions (tapi perut tak kurus juga haha), and there were times when I questioned the fruitfulness of my efforts and whether my prayers have gone unheard, thinking that they have fallen on deaf ears... only to realise that my efforts and prayers have been answered in a different form from what I had expected.

So yes, 2018 definitely saw me growing bounds and leaps.

Most definitely, 2018 has made me grateful for all the little things.

And because of that, I have made 2019 the year of all the little things.

It has been said that in order to find balance, we need to keep on moving, which is exactly what I'm doing right now - which is to move on with life.

And in order to move on with life being genuinely happy, we need to realise that as much as the big moments count, the little blessings make up a huge part of our lives too. We need to train ourselves to see the good in most things, if not all. And no matter how hypocritical being kind or being nice to others may seem (at least at first), once kindness becomes a habit, it'll be hard to kick.

So, 2019, although I'm really late in letting you in, WELCOME.

Let's continue to count all the little blessings life has showered us with and be mindful that life may not always turn out the way we planned, but perhaps only for the best.

p.s.: I'm okay. I really am :) ♥