ichigo iche

 ... is a Japanese idiom, which roughly translates to "one time, one meeting - an encounter that only happens once in a lifetime", 

which is perhaps the single most important idiom that kept me from taking things for granted, especially in that one year we were in the UK. 

Somehow, having an end date, or rather knowing that your days are numbered really helps in making sure you soak in every single day like it's your last. You tend to celebrate each day that comes and become more attentive and observant - afraid that you would somehow miss something that may never repeat itself. You also hype your achievements, no matter how little, because there is no guarantee for those successes -- no matter how little, to repeat themselves.

But now that we're back home, life repeats itself on the daily and it's difficult to view the world with that same wondrous and positive outlook as I had last year - like I keep wondering, is this something really worth celebrating? 

Like I said in my earlier post, it's been a little over a year since our return. And likewise, it's been a little over a year since I reported back to the office to resume my duties as a Public Officer, which simply means I survived the first year of serving my 3-year bond! And that really is some cause for celebration, but still... deep down, I've long abandoned that celebratory trait in me, which I so cherished in the previous year, because I know for a fact that the life we came back to, came without it.

Be that as it may, I do hope that I would some day find the excitement in ichigo iche again. Or that I come to the realisation that even my every day mundane deserves the same kind of celebration.

one year on

Can you believe it, it's been a little over a year since we hopped on a plane back home?

I can hardly believe how fast time has flown by, and all of the seasons we've had to go through since we returned.

I sometimes wonder where that wondrous, adventure-seeking, mountain-scaling girl went to, and often think about the "demise" of that wonderful season in my life. 

It's not often that we get to experience a season in life where we are blessed with time, money and health all at once, and for that I am eternally grateful that we were given that opportunity. 

But our recent trip back "home" in July, as great as it was, finally brought me some closure. 

I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I said everything that I needed and wanted to say. 

And I finally had the courage to let go of the "could have beens" which plagued my mind just the year before. I came to an absolute realisation that the grass really is greener where we water it. And that we would be happy wherever we were, as long as we were together. 

No doubt we do think about that one year of bliss with fondness, and no doubt we miss that life sometimes because there was nothing not to love - weather and all included. But I am glad that we came home and really settled back in (albeit a year too late). I'm just grateful that we decided very early on during that season, that at least for the foreseeable future, that this life we are now going through was the season who are chosing for now. 

Although, I have to say... 

That one year of bliss has totally ignited an itch in me, which I can't seem to scratch away.

And I find myself manifesting a life beyond this life, because I now know how to find joy in things other than what brought me there in the first place. 

"it is what it is"...

 ... is what my friend recently wrote on IG.

And while at first blush it seems as if my friend had given up on life, she had actually not. 

On the contrary, while she was resigned to the fact that her life is what it is, and that she had made peace with it, she had, in the same breath validated the fact that what she is facing at the moment is hard.

In life, some things are what they are, that's a given. But that doesn't make our challenges any less harder or that we have to simply brush them aside and ignore how they make us feel. This life is not meant to be perfect so it's really okay if it isn't.

But that said, if the imperfection makes us feel down or upset, we need to face that feeling and validate it. 

And to validate it, we need to recognise that we are allowed to have a reaction to how it makes us feel. 

And we need to always remember that, where reactions are concerned, we are in complete control. 

We may not always be able to respond to it rationally, or unemotionally, or in a way that is acceptable (to God knows who) but on the days we can, we should really give ourselves credit and pat ourselves on the back.

This past two weeks, I have been ebbing in and out of accepting that life is what it is. At the same time, I have also allowed myself to be upset about how some parts are making me feel less than great.

And while I am completely aware of how in control I am of my reactions, there are some days when I question if I should (control my reactions). 

On those days, I simply give in to how low the situation has brought me to and go with the flow; I let the dishes sit in the sink overnight, I sleep in for an extra hour, I don't rush anyone or anything although we are running late on school mornings and some days, I even explain to my children about the situation I am going through so that they are aware and somehow understand why I am the way I am, and I assure them that this phase shall pass.

Doing this has allowed me to have a little bit of "mope moment". Doing this has allowed me to somehow feel stronger, and have the energy get out of that warm duvet and be where I need to be and do things that I'm supposed to get done. Doing this has allowed me to validate the fact that life gets hard sometimes (and sometimes beyond my control) but it also allows me to know that after I give myself a breather, I am in total control of the things that follow, if that makes any sense to you at all.

(written on 12th July 2023 - found in my drafts)

(posting it anyway, because it still seems so valid)