September 27, 2008

sikat kutu

“awak, saya kat Feringghi nak apape?”

I hardly ask for anything. Tapi suddenly macam nak something pulak :p.

“sikat kutu yang ada manic-manik tu”

“okays dear. Saya cuba okay”

Wah. Pandai kan dia cari untuk saya. Siap belikan 2 yang cantik pulak tu. Hehe.

I’m a tad bit belated where this thing is concerned. When I was studying, I didn’t exactly want to splurge on accessories. When I started working I thought that RM 30 for one of these beauties was just too much. Then, Abduls comes along and asks me what I would like, so saya pesan lah ini dari Penang. There, he got 2 for RM 30. hehe.

As always, before Abduls heads back home to Melaka, he’ll drop by at my place. No, I don’t encourage him to put me before his mother, but it’s the more practical thing to do, since KL is on the way to Melaka from Penang.

After all, we spend like 4 hours with each other tops, if he’s on the way home. I would hardly call that a date especially if I haven’t seen him in eons but I’m not in the position to demand yet, am I. I’m just happy he dropped by :).

We buka together today. Along with Atit, Atan and Yanti. I was a tad bit quiet I think, but that’s only because we (my family) just watched The Other Boleyn Girl and somehow, it shocked me to see how twisted the English Royal Family really is.

It’s a bit sickening, to say the very least.

And then, when we got home, Abduls not only gave me the “sikat kutu”, he also gave me a little pouch to put my duit raya in. Matching sama baju raya. And he doesn't even know the exact green. Very pandai. :)

And we got excited about the sikat kutu, so I demonstrated how to use it.

He goes.... “Aaaah. Impressive”

And then, I salam him and promise to meet during raya. Our kampong is so damn near, we’re afraid we might be cousins. Yucks. Macam incest. But I don’t think so because we don’t have any relatives in Simpang Ampat. If I marry Abduls then we will start having relatives there :p

And then, I got a raya card from Hood. Haha. Terima kasih dearest!

And then, I showed off my pressies to my mom and sis.

And then, I bathe.

And then I see one missed call on my Digi. It's Abdul's maxis number.

I wonder why he didn't call my Maxis instead.

Thing is, he dialled.



*0

*1

*2

*6

*8

*4

*0

*2

*1

*1

And... The phone vibrates in Abduls pocket!

Yes, in all my excitement to show off my sikat kutu and how it works, I passed my handphone to him, which he conveniently stuffed into his jeans pocket and I forgot to claim it thinking that I put it in my handbag.

And now, some people will try to get through (I think) because some people want to meet up with me to collect their stuff.

And people can’t contact me.

I’ve already left one number here so I’m not sure if it’s wise to disclose my other number.

Digi is my dating phone, so I don’t like people to tut tut tut tut when I’m dating on the phone.

Haih...

Excited lagi pasal sikat kutu.

Mauahahahha. Jika saya tak reply Selamat Hari Raya it's because I don't have my handphone. Jangan marah okay?

And I am so mengarut today, no?

Yes, that’s because I’m happy, yes :D

September 25, 2008

presence

Hujan

The entire way to work, I listened to Everlong 3 times until I could even imitate the strum of the guitars. Thank you for remembering the rain and the cendol. Last night I slept smiling knowing how present you were all those times...

It meant a lot to me, although it is one of the things I least expected you to remember. May there be many more surprises like last night’s.

I heart you. Sangat.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m sorry.

I was reading Hanim’s blog and I realized the there is so much truth in what she wrote. Just one simple question, in which I think no one really has the answer to. Why would anyone be your friend on Friendster and Facebook when you aren’t really friends outside the cyberworld. Sort of doesn’t make sense, kan Hanim?

Sometimes, I wish my egotism were smaller. It’s so, so, so HUGE, I don’t even know how to deflate it. But at least I’m brave enough to admit that I have an ego so huge that it’s a pain in the ass (even for me).

How to make myself more compassionate about things? How to be more curious? How to leave a message on someone’s wall without them leaving a message first? To me, it’s always been about reciprocity. But I’m starting to realize what a sickening concept it really is.

There’s nothing really wrong in messaging someone “happy birthday!even when they forget yours, right? There’s really nothing wrong with sending out a “hi” or “how are you” even when they didn’t do it first right?

Really, there really is nothing wrong.

But I’m always waiting for someone to do it first, just to see if anyone actually thinks of me, or if someone actually remembers me without me having to remind them of my existence.

But then again, if America didn’t put itself on the map, it wouldn’t be on the map now, would it? Or if Tunku Abdul Rahman didn’t claim independence for Malaysia, we would still be… “Tanah Melayu, colony of Great Britain.”

I realize now that I have to be the one making more effort. I realize now that the only way for one to be remembered is by putting themselves on the map, where one can be seen, even if it is for the simplest of reasons.

Cik Natrah, I’m so sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Cik Natrah was my firm mate who stood up for me… ALL THE TIME. Even when I was super tough on them. She was my super rock who made sure no one hurt me. Eventhough it's just Fai yang suka kacau saya main-main.

Nadd Haridan, I’m sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Somehow, I feel like I’ve lost you because you haven’t been picking up my calls and haven’t been returning my messages. Actually, you’re part of that handful that I have left, and now, I’ve lost you too. What happened to our bingeing night outs? I miss you.

Apan, I’m sorry I did not make an effort to see you in Shah Alam for your 23rd gorgeous party. I had every intention to, but Putrajaya is so far away. But then again, I could have just driven there, not that I don’t have a car. I hate the excuses I make for myself.

Maybe that’s why no one does any surprise birthday parties for me or makes me feel like I belong to any group.

I’ve probably failed to make myself present at all…

I so have to start doing something. Living like a non-existent is just going to make me live in regret...

September 24, 2008

ole-ole (Part II)

Sometimes, things which are not too good for us are those which attract us the most. Like high-rise condos are not good for people like me who dream of having BBQs every week in her own lawn. Or like pinching pimples; it’s no good because it leaves scars but we seem addicted to it because it really gives us some kind of satisfaction.

Or… like online shopping...?

Erk..so much for not wanting to buy anything, I bought 2 pieces already.

One from Azureen (but that’s because I’m so in love with checkers (and green!) for some unfathomable reason) and one from Danielle just because I’ve been craving for something like that just to prove myself wrong. I seem to think that I don’t look really nice in them though what I bought is super pretty. Let’s just give this a try okay.

If I really don’t look nice in it, I’ll stick to t-shirt and jeans after this :)

WHOA

19th to the 24th. Amazing isn’t it that this blogger tegar has managed to not write anything in the past few days. Nothing to tell? Far from it. Too much to tell? Maybe. Don’t want to tell? Yes, I think most probably.

After last night, I realized that too many things have riled me up to the point that I can no longer keep my head straight. A lot of my energy has been spent on thinking about what I don’t have and what I want to do, instead of what I already have and what I’ve already done.

It makes so much difference looking at the glass half full instead of half empty, isn’t it?
It’s getting there that’s painful, but I’m okay.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m on a JP marathon. JP stands for Jodi Picoult. She’s a splendid, creative and very, very humane author. She does a lot of research on terminal illnesses, disparities and similarities between Christian groups, and mostly she talks a lot of the Jewish religion. My guess is that she’s one herself, but that really doesn’t bother me. And the best part is, she’s so human that you’d relate to her almost instantaneously.

So far, I’ve read 3 of he books and I’m ¾ way through my 4th. The first was My Sister’s Keeper, followed by Change of Heart, then by Nineteen Minutes, and now, I’m stuck on Keeping Faith. So far, she’s never failed me. Her books are such page turners that you’d burn the midnight oil (literally
macam study untuk exam) just so you get to the bottom of the story.

My Sister’s Keeper was very heartwarming. It talked about how a 13 year old craved medical emancipation from her parents because she felt like the only reason she were born was so that her sister who was diagnosed with leukemia could be saved. The ending… shhhh.. no, don’t worry, I won’t tell. But it’s bloody damn unpredictable you’d cry.

Change of Heart was a bit… spooky.. I guess that’s because it talked so much about miracles happening to and occurring in ordinary peoples’ lives. And the explanations on capital punishment are so vivid there are times you can feel the hairs on your neck stand. The ending… as always… is extremely unpredictable. I suggest Dean read this one since he doesn’t really like happy endings (do you still not like them?) and since this one has a twist to it, it makes it all the more better. :)

Nineteen Minutes is by far one which I can totally relate to. For those who don’t already know, my brother was bullied when he was a first former. So bad it was that he had bruises all over him. So bad it was that my mother couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t even hide that she was crying even when she was wearing sunglasses, and even when she tried to look happy. And so bad it was that the boys who were part of the scheme were expelled.
Padan muka. This book is extremely humane, extremely real, with extreme suspense. If I start writing about it, I might not stop, and that would spoil the surprise if you hadn’t read it already. Ending… let’s just call JP unpredictable. Rasa macam jantung gugur kejap.

And I can say something about Keeping Faith, but I won’t yet. But so far, it has kept me up long hours at night regardless of how tired I am. Let’s just say we’re in for a ride and maybe another surprise at the end of the story. Another page turner indeed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, that’s it from me for now. I didn’t intend on turning this into a book review corner, but I’m random like that.

Somebody take me out on more nights, please? Somehow, going out during the night perks me up more than I know it.

This weekend we’re in for a big, long ride towards raya. You’ll see why soon enough. :)
More updates soon if I'm not so malas :p

September 19, 2008

Fighterzs clique-ing

Here’s an observation: I always belong to a batch or a group which is not so united. (Smarties tak termasuk, you guys are practically sisters already).

This month alone, I observed 3 different outings, where 3 different sets of people joined. I know we might have all found our comfort groups and maybe there’s not much to talk about if all 3 groups were to be combined. But wouldn’t it be nice for a change if there were no cliques?

Ever noticed that when someone organises an event, the first thing that crosses your mind (most of us anyways) is, “mesti clique outing”. And this results in people from the organiser’s “clique” alone to participate, which somehow strengthens the belief that it was a clique outing from the very beginning.

It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. You think it’s a clique outing, but it’s not really. And the only people who turn up are those belongingto that "clique", and then, when that happens, you think that you were right to think that it really was a plan for that “clique”. Doesn’t it not make any sense? Because it doesn’t, you’re not weird to think that it doesn’t.

Sick kan? To think that we all spent like 5 years together building bridges as long as the Great Wall of China.

It’s also sickening sometimes when some people think and feel like they’ve gone much farther in life just because they seem cooler or richer or more happening. Or that maybe there’s some kind of secret code; a language exclusively understood by those who “belong”. I guess sometimes, high school doesn’t end for some people.

No, honestly, I don’t really mind. I’ve been a loner all my life, so I don’t care much about fitting in... or not.

It’s just that it’s sickening to know sometimes, that people don’t pick up your calls when you just need to talk... disappear and refuse to meet up with you for reasons unknown... and when all the cool and happening people around you aren’t there anymore, you suddenly seem to know my number?

Glad you managed to save it on piece of tissue paper somewhere.

my superheroes

<3

Today I was missing alot of things. Despite having quite alot to do at work as compared to the past few days, I still had time to miss them nonetheless. September 16th saw me breaking down. Mamita came to my rescue. She became the crying shoulder (over the phone) even though she was dead tired, busy and was just about to eat her dinner. Today, I found out that the girls (Adlin and Mamita) came close to rescuing me... literally. But they didn’t because they weren’t sure that I was allowed to be rescued.

But today, they came and brought me out for supper. Super best la okays. They never bore me. Stories are never ending, mikloocip is always part of the plot and we are so competitive that we are jealous of each others’ jobs, yet we still make time to share what we’re learning at work.

I have splendid friends, don’t I?

So, although I went a bit off tangent and out of control this week, some people make me feel good that some things have not changed at all.

I heart you guys loads. Tak tipu :)

2 out of 5 best friends pon jadi lah, kan kan?
thanks you and you for a great night :)
( shot by Mamita who's now doing a great job at camwhoring :P )

and just so you know, i miss these people too. where are you guys, ha? i really miss being SP garang. i know, so gila kuasa but i know you guys don't mind :p. kalau tak, siapa lagi nak kejar suruh siapkan kerja kan kan?

September 17, 2008

al-Fatihah

I attended a funeral today. The late Batun wasn’t someone very close to me, but we are related. And I just found out that she was my Mak Long’s ibu susu, which in my opinion is very, very noble indeed. I don’t think anyone is noble enough to split her milk between her own son and her niece nowadays. We’ve become so selfish and possessive of what is ours that we don’t want to share anymore.

I came to learn that she passed away peacefully while she was being bathed by her daughter-in-law and granddaughters. They didn’t even realise it until they carried her out of the bathroom to dry her. By that time, it was like she was sleeping but not breathing.

Al-Fathihah. Alhamdulillah, everything went very, very well. She is a very well remembered and well loved woman. No one cried too hard, which was a relief to me. While getting there, I imagined people clinging to her motionless body, crying their hearts out. And when that happens, that could only mean one thing – there are regrets; for things undone, unsaid, and for things said and done. And nothing of that sort happened today, which makes me very warm inside.

But I can’t help but notice that at every funeral, the kapan part is extremely painful to bear. Especially when you call in all the sons, daughters and all other Muhrim to see her face and kiss her for one last time. Maybe it’s because we know that we would never hear or see her again that makes us all so sebak. Because although I was never close to her, I felt tears stinging my eyes and drops of water wetting my cheeks as I saw the last of her peaceful face.

I don’t want to imagine what it would feel like... if... I just don’t want to think of it...

May she rest in peace. Al-fatihah.

September 15, 2008

yeah, sue me.

There’s this thing about life; some people don’t deserve what they have and there are some people so deserving of all the good things yet they still don’t get what they deserve.

A few weeks back, I spent the weekend at one of the Smarties’ house. She’ll know who she is. We were talking about life, marriage (yes, a favourite topic no one can run away from) and work. And we were also talking about people and how some never change.

There’s this person we thought had changed. Because in all honesty, for an entire year, I too thought that she had become a better person. Yeah, I know I’m not even bothering to keep her anonymous, so be it. Sue me.

Sometimes, it’s very hard to understand why some people don’t change. It’s even more difficult to understand why things always, always, come easy for people like this who make life living hell for others. Like the fact that some people get attached to a loyal, rich and stable boyfriend when in actual fact, they lie in their boyfriends’ faces and flirt and hover and practically flaunt their assets for all other guys to see behind their boyfriends’ backs. And sometimes right under their boyfriends’ noses.

It’s also very difficult to understand why some more deserving girls always end up with jerks who don’t appreciate their girlfriends and who don’t stay around long enough to see their beauty which does not necessarily emanate from the fact that they are Miss Universe.

And it’s difficult to understand, why the majority of people just can’t be happy for other people although they look like they pretty much own the world.

It’s hard isn’t it looking at something thinking that “oh, that could have been mine.” It must be tough wondering what was in for you when you left it there and now it belongs to someone else you might never know (not without putting up a fight anyways). I wish you all would have thought of that before you did whatever you did. I wish you all stayed around a tad bit longer to see the beauty within, and not just flee the moment you got whatever you were out to get in the first place.

A thousand things have happened in the span of nearly a good 42 months. And not everything has been good. Just like you, I’m wondering too; did you all stick through all of it, through thick and thin, through his best and his worst to be able to say for sure that you love him… unconditionally.

Would you still be here after all that had happened; in spite of all that had happened like I stayed? Would you have minded being with the person he was and patiently waited for the person he has become and now is? Would you have stayed?

And the other thing is, would you still be happy in the relationship if he didn’t buy you a Guess watch? Would you still be happy if he didn’t bring you on holidays to Genting? Yes, I’m getting personal. Sue me. Would you have remained content if the only happiness came from seeing him safe after his long journey and playing bingo after dinner? Would you have been willing to hold his hand at the hospital? Would you still be there by his side if you went to visit him and he told you he wouldn’t be able to have lunch with you 2 days straight because of a job commitment? Are you sure that your love is still that unconditional?

I have a favourite picture of him. But it’s not one with me in it, but with one of you. It’s no longer publicly displayed, yet it’s perpetually stuck in my head. He looks really happy in it. It’s as if his eyes are dancing and the only thing on his mind was how much he loves the girl in his arms.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen those eyes dancing like that ever again. But I’m still here with him despite it all. And simply because I can say with conviction that I love him and not for any reason but just because. I’m still here though he may never love the way he loved all of you again. And maybe, just maybe you could be happy for me now. Now that you know I can never match up to what you were to him.


After all, happiness is subjective.