December 31, 2015

overwhelmingly plateaued.

... is the oxymoron that 2015 was/has been, in a nutshell. 

I knew it would somehow be different from 2014 -- which is what I anticipated the moment we closed the 2014 chapter, but I frankly never ever expected 2015 to turn out the way it did. 

Not in a million years, I didn't. 

I've lost count of the many times I thought about penning the things that tickled my fancy; of the things I observed, of the things I hated, of the things I loved, of the things I thought, of the place we now call our home and of course, of my son who lights up my whole wide world with him being at my most favourite age of all -- but nothing ever came out. Not even on my scribbling paper, where I would sometimes go when I didn't have the time to log on to my account. 

Instead, I hopped around from one favourite blog to another, just marveling at how others were coping with their lives and being able to write so eloquently of their day to day on-goings. I also marvelled at how the younger ones seem to have so much youth, so much passion in whatever they were doing and most of all -- of how much humour they seem to still have in them, which I quite frankly miss and wish I still had. 

xxx

Honestly, one of the reasons why I stopped writing is because I hated the tone of my posts. 

There are so many things I should be thankful and grateful for in 2015. Like for example, despite the imposition of GST and the increasing cost of living, we still found ourselves to be relatively comfortable; we had a choice -- if we didn't like A we could always switch to B or C or so on and so forth. BUT we or rather I just couldn't make myself sound grateful for all the things I have/had. 

Yes, it's true that I may have been too busy living life to the fullest in 2015 to even have the time to write about them or to seem grateful about them through my blog posts but having been a blogger for the longest time, it never occurred to me that I would ever be bitten by the Mental Block Bug! Yeah sure, I've been bit by it before but to suffer so much from the bite and for so long after? I never in a million years thought!

xxx

Everything in 2015 seems like such a remote past to me right now. Everything in the first quarter where we were busy with our Big Move seems like such a blur and everything after that -- even more of a blur. Days passed by us in rapid speed, every single day, and yet every single day was a drag. We were overwhelmed with change, but at the same time, our changes had bit by bit plateaued.

xxx

Until, I sat at the toilet seat one day, holding the stick while I peed, wondering why my period never came (the last time it did that was some good 4/5 years ago).

And then I knew that 2016 had to be better than any of the best years we've had before.

 xxx

So, goodbye 2015, I am glad you're finally over.

And welcome 2016 -- I sure do hope that you'd be one of the better ones.


December 18, 2015

the "apple".

Since I reinstalled the FB app on my phone, I've been getting numerous memory reminders on a daily basis -- which I consider both a blessing and a curse at the same time.

And today, one of the memories was exactly that -- a good and sad memory at the same time. 

Sad, considering the current ongoings involving changes in our organisation, which shall not be told so publicly. And good because back then, we really did find amusement in the simplest, silliest things -- which in this case was the "apple".

Those memories date back to so many years ago -- 6 years to be exact and though I have obviously moved on with life, got myself some equally good new friends and only occasionally keep in touch with those whom I've had (real good) memories with, I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. 

Truth is, a huge part of me misses being able to be so carefree about everything, including blogging -- without the underlying fear of hurting, annoying or offending anyone unnecessarily. Oh, and also without the fear of having someone or anyone maliciously screenshot my words/pictures to be twisted to their own advantage as as when they please. 

I don't know what's become of the online scene these days, but I find myself annoyed (probably unnecessarily too, let's blame the hormones for this) with how people think they know so much of other people, just by being their "friend" online, when in actual fact -- they don't. 

Which is probably one the biggest reasons why there's more than 10+ pending "follower" requests on my IG, which have been left "unnoticed". Not that I'm such a big shot, no. But I sometimes question the motive of those who "follow" people who they don't even say hi to when face to face. I'm probably guilty of this too, but trust me, I am trying to not "follow" so many "acquaintances" these days, because tak tahu lah apa pekdahnya kepada diri sendiri.

Having said that, I really do miss those times when we could joke about 3 apples having a threesome -- without anyone taking any offence or telling us that we are perempuan sesat yang akan masuk neraka.

December 17, 2015

the reset button.

Yesterday, FB's memories brought me back to a memory from 2 years ago --

"Heaven favours the strong and the just."

And I have been cracking my head eversince, just trying to remember what it was that happened a couple of years ago, which warranted such a statement.

I still can't remember but I suspect that it had to do with one of the major changes we've had to go through in our lives. 

Here's the thing -- every New Year seems to bring with it not only a whole new year, but also a reset button for our personal lives too. 

And though most of the time I am well armed and ready for what ever that may come my way (as the case is this time around), this particular reset button brings with it a different kind of feel

The closer we get to the day -- the more real it gets -- and the more emotional I become just thinking about the eventualities, the possibilities, the loneliness and the empty other side of everything

So some days, I allow myself to break down into a puddle of tears each time I think of the inevitability of having to press the reset button. Yes, heaven favours the strong... but surely there in strength in my softness?

3 more days to go. 

Bismillah. 

To the reset button we shall go.

December 10, 2015

Against all odds.

"Real love does not end just because things get difficult, 
Real love can withstand anything, 
You don't just simply give up because it's hard."


Some days, I just feel like saying, " Don't Go", but I know that that would just be selfish.

So I muster all the strength I can gather, put up a smile on my face and tell myself -- I'm stronger than I think-- and most definitely stronger than anyone else thinks. 

You don't know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.

10 days to go. 

Bismillah. 

December 06, 2015

This one's for you, October.

"Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call?
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy"

Only because today was such a good day, I have to constantly remind myself that anything could happen to anyone -- like how October happened to me and you.

"Told me not to cry when you were gone.."

And now I know it's impossible.

So this one's for you, October.

December 05, 2015

as told by a 3-year old.

"Boy pakai spender. Girl pakai spendie."

"Boy pakai spender. Girl pakai panty."

"Bukan. Kalau boy pakai spender, girl pakai spendie."


Sometimes, we forget all the lessons we can learn from these little persons.

It doesn't matter that he got it wrong. 

It matters though, how pure and literal he can be and how I must always tread carefully -- just enough to be sure that I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I have tried to get this whole motherhood thing right.

And it matters to know that it's okay to make mistakes -- whether you're 3 or you're 30

Just as long as you've really, really tried. 


December 04, 2015

when finding a purpose.

"Whoever makes the Hereafter his preoccupation, then Allah places freedom from want in his heart, gathers his affairs, and Dunya (wordly life) comes to him despite being reluctant to do so. And whoever makes Dunya his preoccupation, then Allah places poverty in front of his eyes, makes his affairs scattered, and nothing of Dunya comes to him except that which has been decreed for him"

- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D

Probably one of my most favourite quotes from Reclaim Your Heart. 

And honestly like a nutshell of both my 2014 and 2015 in a short long story. 

Sometimes I need to be reminded that piety and piousness don't always come in the most overt of forms. 

But rather, it is in the underlying purpose in whatever we do, that matters. 

Sure, we've got to strike a balance between that and niat tak menghalalkan cara

But seeing for myself the stark differences on how 2014 and 2015 turned out for me, I've got to say -- it's worth the shot. 

When finding a purpose, Hereafter is your shot.

December 03, 2015

this one reminds me of you.

"You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye
And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style

You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt.
And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt,
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style."

A seat for two on the steps. Under the spotless, starless sky. Relaying stories for the day.

It somehow felt overdue. But all the same, the timing felt just right.

And this song reminds me of you -- and all the good times leading to that seat for two.

December 02, 2015

the half way mark

Uh-oh, dancin' past the point of no return
Let go, we can free ourselves of all we've learned
I love this secret language that we're speaking
Say it to me, let's embrace the point of no return
Let's embrace the point of no return
Let's embrace the point of no return

This has been playing in my head since last night! We've reached this point so I figured, I might as well embrace it.

If you don't get what my posts on all these lyrics are all about, read here


December 01, 2015

so, here's the deal

To commemorate December -- and in anticipation of the New Year, I've decided to write either song lyrics or quotable quotes or passages from materials which I have read or came across, just so you know that I'm here, though sometimes I might not be that okay.

What my day is like/will be like or how I feel will depend solely on how you decipher the things I'm about to write in the next 31 days.

So, here goes my first one --

"Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal ya..."