April 24, 2014

it's not me, it's you.

My personality is who I really am, my attitude depends on you... 

Or something to that effect. You've heard of it before, right? Right?

So have I.

Thing is... bad attitude does not suit me. 

It think it does... oh wait... I thought it does.

But it doesn't. Period. 

So now, I have to deal with that fact and deal with it fast. 

And I know that I may even sound a little slightly disappointed with that fact and maybe, in a weird, twisty kind of way, I am. Just a little bit. But I am. 

It's not for any reason really; it's merely to prove the fact that I am capable of getting angry when I am bullied and displeased at the onset of being blamed for something (totally not my doing), or made to feel like I am an utter idiot, when clearly, I'm not. 

But after having tried so hard (so many times) to put up an attitude, I've decided to stop as I've become jaded. It's taking up too much precious energy to cook up something (re: an attitude) that I don't even have in the first place. 
 
So, goodbye to Hanisa Bad-ass. 

Hello, Million Dollar Smiles. 

Works every time. Effortlessly. 

xxx

SO the next time you see me smiling, try to properly cipher that smile. It's not just me, it's you.



April 16, 2014

the easiest road to heaven.

Everyday, I try to map out how I anticipate my day would be like. 

I kind of believe in the law of attraction so I guess that kind of comes naturally. 

But sometimes, there are things I plan which never take place no matter how badly I want it to and it frustrates me and gets me thinking, which then leads me to write to myself in my blog like this. Hehe.

xxx

And before I continue with this post, I'd just like to put a caveat to any of my incoming statements as I am nowhere nearly as pious or as learned as our religious scholars and all the thoughts I am about to share are mostly based on my simple logic. But be that as it may, even though I am not that pious, I'd like for you to know that I do like to spend some time with my God everyday. I really do. 

So, after each prayer, I try to slot in some time to recite the Quran; sometimes, I get to read 2 pages, sometimes more and other times... I don't get to read anything at all, which normally, is not at all by choice. 

Normally, I would wait until all chores are done and everyone is asleep because that way, I would be able to focus entirely on the whole purpose of spending time with my God. There was a time in this year when I was able to do that because everyone (except me) would be knackered by the time it was 10 p.m. and I was able to do whatever I wanted, uninterrupted. When everyone stopped being knackered at 10 p.m., my schedule changed and I then began spending time with my God during the wee hours of the morning when my boys were still enjoying their dream-laced slumber.

Then, there came a time when no one would sleep at 10 p.m. but still woke up in the wee hours of the morning and that's when I became exasperated about the whole situation.

If it was housework, chores, preparing dinner etc. etc., I'm open to the idea of a crying baby following me everywhere, wanting my attention. But when spending time with my God, I can't stand any of that. I really can't. I don't know if it's just me or it's wrong of me to want it the way I want it, but yeah. That's just the way it is. 

xxx

And because of my inability to spend as much time with my God as I'd like, I started thinking about how unfair it is for women to not be able to pursue their religious interests (on top of other interests, let's not go there in this post), so how was I supposed to get to heaven in one piece in the hereafter if I am unable to collect enough pahala throughout my life on earth?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

xxx

I started thinking about all the congregational prayers I can never attend for fear of my son running around unsupervised.

I started thinking about all the religious talks I can never attend for fear of disturbing the rest of the audience with my son's curiousity and incessant need to move around.

I started thinking about all those pages of the Quran I can never read when my son wakes up in the middle of the night wanting no one else but me.

How do I get to heaven if I can never do enough?

xxx

I must have forgotten that I'm now married. 

Nobody said that congregational prayers have to be performed in the masjid/surau. You just have to have imam and makmum. And poof! 27 times pahala for you!

Nobody said that you would not be justly rewarded for caring for your family. You cook, you clean, you love and you make your family happy so surely there is some share of heaven for you, right? (I hope)

I've also read before that when you kiss your child(ren), you would be rewarded justly with satu darjat syurga. And that when you kiss your husband, your minor sins would be expiated. 

And guess what, when you're married, you're even rewarded with pahala for having sex with your husband. 

And these are just some of the simpler things.

xxx

 So, to console myself for the time I don't get to properly spend on my personal ibadah, I tell myself that marriage is the easiest way to heaven. 

Because in all honesty, I really do think so. If not, it would be impossible to see the womankind in heaven, kan?

xxx

Nah, Sayang. Chilli King Prawn Pasta. Doakan saya masuk syurga, ye?


Please and thank you.

#tibe-tibe.


April 11, 2014

multi, to me.

I don't know what the accepted definition of multi-tasking is and frankly, I'm too lazy to look it up because I have my own definition of what it is -

(1) Multi-tasking is getting several things done at the same time

(2) Doing several things at the same time (especially of the same nature) to me, is NOT multi-tasking.

xxx

Think about it, and think real hard - there is a difference between getting several things done at once and doing several things at the same time.

While practicing the first creates efficiency, practice of the second, in my humble opinion, will just cause the outcome of all jobs done to be sloppy. 

xxx

Think about it. 

Cleaning bottles and washing dishes while boiling water = YES.

Laundry being washed in the machine while ironing clothes = YES.

Brushing teeth and washing underwear while bathing = YES

Talking on the phone while mopping floor = YES

Doing opinion while reading gossip columns = THIN LINE

Peeing while doing Number 2 = NO (well, except when you're in the labour room where anything is possible)

 Surgery while reading a book = NO

Solat while eating = BATAL

Driving while texting = SUICIDAL

Having a conversation while staring at the phone = RUDE

Watching kid at the pool while "social networking" = IRRESPONSIBLE 

xxx

Just. Think. About. It.

While getting some things done at once is fine, doing so many things at the same time is stupid, suicidal, irresponsible or just plain rude. 

April 10, 2014

remember me this way.

 WARNING: BANYAK GAMBAR.

The second half of March was such a stressful time for me, so I really looked forward to March ending and I was really determined to make sure that April began on the right foot. 

Lucky for me, my leave application was approved and my husband had an outstation assignment, so I was all set to tag along, even if it was just for one day.

And 'til today, when I get all stressed out at work, I remember those 2 days with much fondness and count my blessings for having had the chance to be so happy, despite it all. 

xxx


I was honestly very nervous about the trip. The only long-haul trip we've taken with Luqman before was to attend my cousin's wedding in Kuantan. We only managed to convince Luqman to sit in the carseat up until Genting Sempah and thereafter, he insisted to sit on my lap. And honestly, at the time, it wasn't so bad; he wasn't 12kgs then and when we arrived in Kuantan, my parents were around as well, so we had extra pairs of hands and eyes. 

This time though, I was alone with him. Well, not technically alone, since my husband was around, but while he was at work, I was alone. So, I was really nervous about the trip. 

xxx

Surprisingly, Luqman behaved EXTREMELY well. He sat in his carseat for like the longest time, soaking in the sun and marveling at the things we were passing by. He pointed to the objects he knew and named them, and kept telling us how "cantik" everything is. It was in Kemaman when he finally got restless and demanded that I hold him. And by then, since we were so close to Kerteh, I decided it was not worth putting up a fight with him and let him stand at the back so that he could continue admiring the beautiful night lights.

I obviously underestimated his ability to enjoy the simplest things in life.
 
All this happened on 1st of April.

xxx


It was about 8 p.m. when we finally arrived. We dropped our bags in the room and someone decided that it was nice to "deposit" some "fertilizers" on Terengganu soil, so we had to clean him up and bathe him first before we searched for dinner. 


So much for wanting to try local delicacies, we ended up in Mesra Mall because we're such Terengganu Noobs! Gah! Couldn't find the shops that I've been googling plus we needed some things from the supermarket, so yeah. That's where we had our dinner. 


Managed to get Luqman some floats for the swimming session I had planned for him the next day and got some things to munch before we called it a night. 

xxx

The next day was Luqman's birthday. We woke up singing "Happy Birthday" to him and though he was familiar with the song and seemed happy, he was still pretty clueless about what the day was all about. My husband left for work and we went down to have some breakfast. 

After that, I brought Luqman to the pool and guess who was more excited? Yes, ME! Luqman hated the pool and I didn't understand it at all! He used to love the pool, so what was up with him! Sebenarnya hangin sebab melayang RM18 for the float. Haha. And at the time, I was grateful I wasn't impulsive enough to get him some fancy swimming suit I saw. All that extra money is going to your education fund, son. Hehe. 


Of course, I couldn't enjoy the pool on my own, after all, it was Luqman's birthday, not mine, hehehe so I brought him to the beach instead. He told me it was "cantik" but he clearly hated the sand! Gah, this boy! But of course, because I'm so full of tough love, I made him walk a few meters in the sand for him to get to the playground just to get him used to it. He probably didn't appreciate that very much, but it's okay. We spent just a few minutes at the playground and Luqman got bored when he couldn't find a slide (I found that to be odd as well) so I let him play with the plants and do whatever he liked. 

xxx

After we got back to our room, Luqman got all excited about the bathtub and had more fun in it than he had in the pool.

Sigh. Anak siapa lah ni.

xxx


After such an eventful morning, the boy slept like a log and wouldn't wake up, so we extended our check-out time. I was really sad to leave Terengganu and I wished that we could stay for just another day, at least. But alas, I had to go back to the office the next day and so did my husband, so the moment Luqman woke up, we checked out, paid the bills and left. 


If time and work permits, I would definitely love to tag along again. And next time, I'm so not going to repeat my "Terengganu Noob" mistakes and come prepared! Hehe.

xxx

We were all hungry by then but we couldn't get any recommendations on where to eat in Kerteh. (if you do have recommendations, please let me know, okay!) so we drove on and on and on until Kuantan, where many suggested Sara Thai and Ana Ikan Bakar (they're so famous, they're on Waze)! 


We decided on Sara Thai and we ordered whatever (well not everything of course) that the waiter suggested. 

Do you want to know how lovely the lemon steamed fish is? (1) I didn't bother to take a photo of it when it arrived and digged right in; and (2) at this moment, as I am writing this, I am salivating at the thought of the taste of the fish in my mouth! Gahhh.

Ya Allah, it was so delicious! And the portion was so big (as there was only the 2 of us and Luqman only ate omelette), so big that I didn't eat the whole day after that because I was still so full. Haha. 

xxx

Our journey ended with us having some cake at Secret Recipe that night just to commemorate Luqman's birthday. 

xxx

Technically, all of this happened in the span of 36 hours but tell you what, those 36 hours were among the best hours I've had this year. 

And I always want to remember us that way.
 


April 04, 2014

what happens when I don't care.

So, I recently had an emotional breakdown after holding back my emotions and holding in my pent up issues for so long. Coincidentally, that was when the MH370 was confirmed to have "ended" in the Southern Indian Ocean, so that just made my breakdown worse. It was horrible. I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop sobbing, couldn't stop my tears from trickling down my cheeks and basically felt like nothing could console me. 

I was a hormone casserole, a tear avalanche. 

That basically set the tone for the whole week that ensued. I was struggling with my 100HappyDays Challenge though in a way, I was glad that I challenged myself to find something to be happy about every day, because it avoided me from being overly depressed. 

And because it was such a sombre week, by the time the weekends came, I was so much more tired than usual. So tired that that particular weekend, I decided to take a break.

So, on that Saturday (29th March), while I was drifting off to sleep, 

I thought about the laundry - undone
I thought about the dirty floor - undone
I thought about the drinking water - unboiled.
I thought about lunch - uncooked.
I thought about the house - a mess.

"You can get these things done if you don't take a nap, you know?", says my version of Jiminy Cricket (don't know who? look it up!)

And thankfully, even with my Jiminy Cricket bringing me on a roller coaster guilt trip, I decided to ignore it and I SLEPT. Like a baby, I slept. I knew for a fact that the house couldn't run itself, but I knew that I couldn't run on depleting batteries either. Was I going to regret not doing housework when I had the chance? Probably. But did I regret taking that break? Never.

To hell with the house, to hell with undone.

What's important is that I woke up a different person; a better one

I woke up appreciating my husband's and baby's laughter, I woke up wanting to hear them call me, when just hours before, "Mama" was no longer music to my ears. I was alot more efficient in my movements and no longer felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. And most of all, once the fatigue waned off me, I no longer felt like I hated the life that I chose.

***

I guess this was bound to happen. I was going on and on and on like clockwork and it just felt like work, chores and responsibilities would never end. I forgot that they never will. In a house with living people, you're bound to have laundry, dishes, spilled milk and crayon marks on the walls.

Thing is, I just have to learn to not care (too much), so that I have some energy to spare to care for myself.