This one's for you, October.

"Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you

Can you hear my call?

This hurt that I've been through

I'm missing you, missing you like crazy"

Only because today was such a good day, I have to constantly remind myself that anything could happen to anyone -- like how October happened to me and you.

"Told me not to cry when you were gone.."

And now I know it's impossible.

So this one's for you, October.

as told by a 3-year old.

"Boy pakai spender. Girl pakai spendie."

"Boy pakai spender. Girl pakai panty."

"Bukan. Kalau boy pakai spender, girl pakai spendie."

Sometimes, we forget all the lessons we can learn from these little persons.

It doesn't matter that he got it wrong. 

It matters though, how pure and literal he can be and how I must always tread carefully -- just enough to be sure that I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I have tried to get this whole motherhood thing right.

And it matters to know that it's okay to make mistakes -- whether you're 3 or you're 30. 

Just as long as you've really, really tried. 

when finding a purpose.

"Whoever makes the Hereafter his preoccupation, then Allah places freedom from want in his heart, gathers his affairs, and Dunya (wordly life) comes to him despite being reluctant to do so. And whoever makes Dunya his preoccupation, then Allah places poverty in front of his eyes, makes his affairs scattered, and nothing of Dunya comes to him except that which has been decreed for him"

- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D

Probably one of my most favourite quotes from Reclaim Your Heart. 

And honestly like a nutshell of both my 2014 and 2015 in a short long story. 

Sometimes I need to be reminded that piety and piousness don't always come in the most overt of forms. 

But rather, it is in the underlying purpose in whatever we do, that matters. 

Sure, we've got to strike a balance between that and niat tak menghalalkan cara. 

But seeing for myself the stark differences on how 2014 and 2015 turned out for me, I've got to say -- it's worth the shot. 

When finding a purpose, Hereafter is your shot.

this one reminds me of you.

"You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye
And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style
You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt.
And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt,
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style."

A seat for two on the steps. Under the spotless, starless sky. Relaying stories for the day.

It somehow felt overdue. But all the same, the timing felt just right.

And this song reminds me of you -- and all the good times leading to that seat for two.

the half way mark

Uh-oh, dancin' past the point of no return
Let go, we can free ourselves of all we've learned
I love this secret language that we're speaking
Say it to me, let's embrace the point of no return
Let's embrace the point of no return
Let's embrace the point of no return

This has been playing in my head since last night! We've reached this point so I figured, I might as well embrace it.

If you don't get what my posts on all these lyrics are all about, read here. 

so, here's the deal

To commemorate December -- and in anticipation of the New Year, I've decided to write either song lyrics or quotable quotes or passages from materials which I have read or came across, just so you know that I'm here, though sometimes I might not be that okay.

What my day is like/will be like or how I feel will depend solely on how you decipher the things I'm about to write in the next 31 days.

So, here goes my first one --

"Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal ya..."

the extra mile.

I finished my 12 kilometer run in about 1 hour and 42 minutes -- average of 12 minutes per lap (1 mile/1.6 kilometres). Not much to shout out about, but after all things considered, I would say it's no small feat either.

Here's the "funny thing" -- I thought that I had signed up for a 10 km run instead of 12 km and confidently told my husband so just the night before -- until I saw the distance of my run on my bib, which I later confirmed with the deets on my confirmation slip.

Don't.know.what.I.was.thinking. So, don't ask. 

What's important is that I didn't allow myself to become disheartened by my "minor mistake" (minor la sangat. difference of an extra mile plus is no joke!), decided to keep on pushing and going non-stop although I was starting to go half-crazy once I reached the 6 km mark and I finished without vomiting -- or falling or tripping or feeling like a total loser. 

I am just happy that I am now a 12 km finisher ;)

Running -- I think is one of those life-changing decisions I have ever made. EVER. 

Sure, I've always been active. Sure, I've always loved sports. But running such long distances, pushing myself to the limit and feeling absolutely empowered although I run real slow like a siput? Really, who would have thought running would have that kind effect on me, right?

I've got another one coming up in October and I'm all excited and sad about it at the same time. Excited because I love night runs; sad because it's the last one I signed up for, for this year.

Oh, well. Girl's got to do what she's got to do, right?

"...you can do everything and be everything…just NOT at all once." - Sleepless in KL.  Best honest advice I've heard in years.

Anyways, next run -- bring it on! (hopefully with more practice!)

move -- you are not a tree.

Some days are like today -- I wake up with "Sunshine" as my middle name and I'm just happy to go to work.

But some days (which these days seem like most), I.literally.drag.my.feet.

I even feel that way after taking many days off for a break!

People often tell me that if I don't like where I am -- I should move. After all, I am not a tree and I agree; but only on the part about the tree. 

It's really not that simple you see -- like it isn't for so many of us out there. It's not just about our commitments or housing loans or any other typical reason you can think of. 

Here is the (ironic) thing -- I actually like my line of work and I don't mind it at all; but I'm just tired, which I think is pretty acceptable seeing that it's now my 7th year in Service; longer than the period of time I've been married. 

I don't hate hate my job, I just need some time off. Because just like all other things in life, familiarity breeds contempt. 

This has got me thinking about how sucky Service is -- it doesn't give you the chance to return once you leave; like a talak tiga kind of thing. Because sometimes, when you go through confusing times such as this -- all you want is to try something else. 

But you can't.

Hence, when anyone reading Law asks me what they should do after getting their LLB, I tell them that they should go do their Chambering. Sure, they'll lose out on seniority and the other what-nots in Service, but at least, they would know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence --

and not wonder for the rest of her life whether she would have liked it... or not (although she knows for a fact that she hates Civil Procedure hehe). 

Be that as it may, too late for me to find out now, so I really have got to find myself some remedy! 

And all I can think of are-

Cuti belajar (boleh consider).

Cuti tanpa gaji (boleh cuba kalau nak mati).

Cuti bersalin (haahahaah heeeheeheee).

On that note, I am late, you know. Bahahahaha saja kasi kontroversi.

the last thing on your mind.

last seen at ... 5.06 p.m.

Last message I read had a timestamp of 5.06 p.m.

I may already be 30 but I've discovered that I still find pleasure in all the simple pleasures in life 

-- like knowing that I was the last thing on your mind.

oh yes, I am OK.

The other day, my mother in law dropped me a one-liner, which got me thinking. It was in relation to her question of whether or not I was okay, which, honest to God, is a question I try answering honestly to myself first, every single day. 

I ask myself the question every single day, because it seems like alot of other people around me are curious about the same as well. 

Why is your blog private? 

Why is your Insta feed so quiet?

Why is the tone of your posts so different?

Why are you so different?

And although most days I feel OK, the rest of the world seem to feel otherwise and whether or not I care about what they think or feel, I know that those who have taken the time to ask me personally are those who really, truly care because they made the decision to not gossip about me and my so-called change, but thought it would be better to ask me directly instead. 

So, anyway. When I told my mother in law that I was "OK je. Biasa lah stress sikit-sikit.", she then asked me again what I was stressed out about, to which I answered... "Sa tak tahu lah, Mak..."

And then, she dropped it, 

"Stress tak tahu punca ni lah stress yang paling bahaya."

So, it got me thinking about what it was that I was actually stressed out about because I've been told that unidentified sources of stress could lead to that thing we all know as... depression. 

And although I am pretty sure that I am not depressed because there's really no reason to be depressed, I do know that not many people (probably myself included) are willing to accept and admit that they are suffering from such condition. 

In my attempts to ensure that I am of optimum mental health, I went through my blog posts (thank God, I love writing crap) to find a lead of some sort and my discovery shocked me.

This year has been a year of too much self-loathing. Too many meltdowns. Too many regrets over "failed attempts at perfection". Too much drama. Too much inner conflict. Too much negativity. Too much change. Too much bottling up. Too much caving in.  

This year in a nutshell has been a year of too many too muches, if there is such a thing. 

Be that as it may, since I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, I've made a mental pact with myself to acknowledge and celebrate each day that I wake up happy, just so the final quarter of this year doesn't go to waste.

Sure, I've been feeling a little sucky (a little, yeah right bahahaha) in 2015, but in sha Allah, I'll be OK. 

And just for the record, today, I am OK.

beautiful soul.

It was a Saturday night and we were driving back from my Aunty's house after buka puasa. Luqman (the radio-hogger) was in another car so we had the radio to ourselves! Yippee! Since my car battery went dead on me a few weeks back, we lost all our favourite radio stations so my husband was unable to find LiteFM (yes, LITEFM). We finally found the station and a few minutes after, Jesse McCartney's Beautiful Soul was aired. 

You should have seen how happy we were to finally hear something decent (and familiar) on air! Jesse McCartney was playing! On LiteFM! The station that plays Classic Hits All Day... (!!!) Ok... 

Then it hit me -- we're old. I'd like to say that we're just older but no (please, Beautiful Soul is considered classic ok), we're actually old. 

And we both grew older together. 

I started dating him from about a decade ago.

We planned on getting married, almost didn't get married, and then we got married.

We had a child together. And we want more together.

We survived a 6-month long distance relationship. And we both had to relearn how to live together again, together.

We bought a house together. And we now live in it together. 

And despite all the togetherness, we still argue and fight and cry (well, I cry) to try and figure out what's going on in each other's mind; or what we both feel; or what's making either one of us happy or not.

Even after all this while. 

And then, it hit me again -- of how much our relationship has changed (or evolved, more like) and how that has changed him, changed me, and changed us. Or is it really that he changed, and I changed and we changed, and that's why our relationship too, has changed? I can't quite figure out which is which and what came first. 

All I know is that we're somewhat different than when we first started. 

And although I know that we can't be 15 or 25 forever (and I don't want to be 15 forever) and growing up and living this journey called life just has to be done before we are called to meet our Creator someday, I can't help but miss... us. Yes, US. The goofy couple who walked through the rain to get me my Theodore. The crazy couple who surprised each other by getting on a bus just to spend a couple of hours at the bus station eating KFC. The simple couple who used to make some random 45 minutes in the week the best date in months. I also miss those times when smartphones were a thing of the unknown and that when we were together, we didn't have anyone else "third-wheeling"-- just us.

Of course we had a kid, and that changed us. Of course, we moved house and that too, changed us. 

But I can't help but miss the US that I once knew. 

And that tiny glimpse of us on that Saturday night made me realise that deep down somewhere, both of us were still there, albeit (majorly) altered. We just have to work harder to fall in love with a different version of the same person, I guess?

Because beneath all our alterations, I'm pretty sure that there is still that beautiful soul we once knew (plus of course that guy and girl who still loves to sing along to Beautiful Soul and every other classic hits we grew up listening to, of course). 

Maybe we'll live and learn, maybe we'll crash and burn
maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return...
maybe another fight, maybe we won't survive,
maybe we'll grow,
we'll never know,
'cause baby you and I,
we're just ordinary people,
we don't know which way to go.