I haven't move on - I just don't look back

Of late, it has become increasingly difficult for me to make time for recreational writing. Apart from the brain dump I do quite frequently on another private medium, I find that coming up with sentences beyond what is required at work has become quite the challenge. 

Let's face it, at work, I am, at times, swamped. Funnily enough though, on most days, I feel a quiet satisfaction with my job and its outcomes, so, I must say, I am probably swamped in the best way possible.

But let's get real guys, some days, despite having gotten back into the groove, so to speak, I think about "that version" of me quite often. Key words like "mountain" and "Leeds" and "desk" and "library", even, show up ever so often on my Google Photos search. Come to think of it, I really did savour every.single.moment. Not one moment seemed trivial to me in that one year in the UK.

I miss it more than I care to admit. 

Each search I key into my Google Photos overwhelms me in a way that is both good and bad. Good because the memories, and I mean all of it, seemed to have etched a core memory and makes me feel lucky and ever so grateful that I am still given the opportunity to create core memories in my 40s. Yet at the same time, I catch myself still thinking of the life that could have been; of whether we could have been happier if we had remained. 

Every now and then, we would revisit that question and wonder. 

And every now and then, all of us who were there at the same time and had returned home in the past 1 to 2 years would also look back with the same wonderment, complete with throwback pictures of that ridiculously glorious life, and think about the "could-have-beens" and the version of people that we were while we were there. 

I keep talking about this "version" of me as if I was a really different person.

And believe you me, I was a different version of me altogether. I don't know what that version would have become in the long-term, but for that moment, I would say that I was a better me while it lasted.

Maybe it was the cold air, maybe it was the natural boundary created from the 14-hour journey home which left us no choice or option but to survive, or maybe I was just able, for the first time in many years, be myself completely, knowing for a fact that no one knew who I was before.  And deep, deep down, I believe that that last bit was the one which made life so much better. 

There were no expectations as to how I was supposed to behave, or how I was supposed to act or react to certain things. I was free to completely reinvent myself as necessary and it was during that time that I opened and closed my heart to people all at the same time, both with the same kind of intensity AND clarity.

And to think that my big "why" wasn't because I was running away from a life that I hated here in Malaysia -- meaning that if I hated my life in Malaysia at the time we left, it would have been alot easier to justify why I loved my time there so much because it would just mean that I was infatuated with something new; much like when you're falling in love for the first time.

Although we know that deep down, staying on would have been an unreasonable decision, all things considered, but yeah, I suppose we sometimes just can't help but wonder if it really was just a pipe dream or a dream that could have developed into something more real had we given it a chance.

We always say that maybe we would have probably taken that leap of faith if we were younger. 

We always tell ourselves that we would probably not have liked life abroad and that life back home were better.

But, like I said, I miss it more than I care to admit.

//written on August 13, 2026.

what's meant for you will never miss you; what missed you was never meant for you.

found this in my drafts from months ago / I decided to just post it even if I can't really remember now, how I originally planned on finishing it. 

Indeed, we all had the most wonderful week spanning all the way from the Independence Day long weekend, all the way 'til just a couple of days ago. 

We've had guests coming in and out of our home and in all of those times, I was beaming with joy, I could just explode. There's just something about being with the right crowd that energises and recharges me in ways I can't even begin to explain. 

And to think some of them are actually friends that I made in just a span of a year - the time we were in the UK, who seem to have all become like family. 

We met, dined, sang, reminisced and still managed to talk about all the serious things in life. We still make fun of each other and though we don't meet as often as we'd like, not like how we did back then, it really does feel like we all got on right where we left off, as cliched as that sounds. 

This weekend made me think about all the serendipities and chance meetings and even missed opportunities that we've had to go through in life. 

As humans, it's only natural to sometimes wonder, even question, why life turned out the way it did. And much as we question, we too move on despite the questions -- only to gain knowledge, enlightenment or closure at some point in our lives, that things are the way they are because that's just how it is -- and for good reason.

And much as we sometimes feel that we should get along with everyone and that there is absolutely no harm in being warm and kind towards everyone, there should be absolutely no pressure for us to force friendships or pretend chemistry in relationships where there is none. Because perhaps we were not meant to be everyone's cup of tea, and by that logic, we too should not feel obligated to favour all cups of tea.

I guess I'm writing this right now because we just recently discovered a saying --

"what's meant for you will never miss you; and that what missed you was never meant for you.". 

I guess I've always known, but the timing at which I (re)discovered the saying above enhanced my belief that nothing in this life is accidental - and that you really don't know beyond what you know - if that makes any sense at all.

a life fulfilled, and well-lived.

Too many deaths this year -- of people distant and close, and from all of them, we learned lessons--

-- that the biggest regrets come, not from the fights or misunderstandings, but rather from the robbed opportunity of saying a proper goodbye for one last time; and

-- that "life is fragile" and "life is short" gets even more real now as we grow older -- as we come to understand the fact that death really waits for no one. It really is just a matter of time.

Having seen so many different deaths -- the tragic ones, the sudden ones, the ones they knew were coming -- has cemented my belief all this while that each of us is currently running a race on our own tracks, in our own pace and against our own selves. From the many different final send-offs that I've attended thus far, all I can say is that -- a life fulfilled and well-lived, may mean a million different things for different people. 

There were times when the hospital morgue was flooded with visitors on a Friday morning. 

There were times when the mosque had to hold 3 prayer sessions on a Monday night because there were just too many people wanting to pay their last respects.

There were also times when the Thursday send-off was quiet, simple, uneventful, met with wind and a slight breeze -- yet attended by those who mattered, who cried meaningful tears, who knew the one who passed on a level that only they knew-- 

and really, after all of that, there can be no way to tell if their final send-off says anything about the life that they lived or be indicative of their final resting place in the afterlife. And it really is okay. It really isn't our place to judge. 

Alot of people I know (myself included) often wonder what the end of our lives would be like. 

And with an end goal of wanting to live a life fulfilled and well-lived, I try my best to tailor my days to achieve the end result that I hope and pray for. 

And hope that whenever it is that I shall pass, I would not be alone; or unloved. But rather, be remembered for all the good that I am, and for all the good that I've done. 

mid-year check in

Well, well, well.

One moment I'm dwelling about why social media has played such a central role in our lives, and the next thing I know, is that I blinked, and we're in May! May of 2026! 

We're just about a month short from the middle of the "New Year", and yet everything that happened in January now feels like a distant past.

I had put in place some aims for the first quarter of this year, achieved most of them, and now that we're entering, wait scratch that, now that we're nearing the end of the second quarter, I'm only <---this---> close to carrying out some of the other plans on my plate. Seems like the only thing I need more of is patience. And faith. Lots of faith that all of this will pan out exactly as it was meant to.

If anything, I would say that this year has been... paradoxical. It has pushed me to such great heights -- some distances I never knew I would ever reach, and ironically those heights have given me an insight about "what could also be mine" if only I took just one more step.

I'm left wondering whether I am, in some ways shortchanging myself, or whether deep down I'm feeding a certain greed that shouldn't be entertained. On the one hand I know that I've come to a certain juncture in life, where not many have reached, yet something in me makes me feel like there's a higher mountain I can scale. I don't want to fix something that's clearly not broken, yet the non-action on some days makes me unhappy. 

So, yeah. In a nutshell, paradoxical is the word. 

And on random note, I'll just write the words from a random song that's in my head right now--

"can you take me higher, to a place where blind men see?"

Pretty much sums up everything I've been thinking, don't you think? 

grateful for this little safe space.

We went for Hajj for a total of 28 days, including the days we self-quarantined before reuniting with the kids. During those 28 days, Hajihaji requested only one thing from me -- that I had to refrain from updating my socials over that period of time. This meant no FB, no IG, and no anything else, apart from contact with family and the kids through Whatsapp. 

And all this happened just as I was about to update my IG with the caption "please make prayer for us" with a photo of us when we were in transit in Bangkok. 

The rebel in me wanted to ignore Hajihaji's request. But a huge part of me knew how important it was for him that I focused. Just for that wee bit of time. 

So, I obliged. 

Turns out that that was one of the best things he did for me.

I was laser focused on my ibadah and made so many meaningful connections with some of the loveliest people during that short period of time. And this, for the ambivert of a being that I am -- is huge. 

Upon returning home, I realised that I felt a whole lot more comfortable with people not constantly knowing what I was up to - and though I did occasionally update my IG account, especially during the year that I was away in the UK, I really preferred not to. 

Here's the thing -- after having spent a lot of time away from IG (where I'm most active), I came to the realisation that IG and every other social media platform for the matter, had created an unnatural need for engagement between humans. 

I mean, just think of it -- in the past, we would never expect people to respond immediately, or be in constant contact with each other or be so preoccupied with the assumption that people must know everything about us -- but in this time and age, not only are we presumptuous, we have also turned social media engagement as a measure of one's friendship, popularity and even mistaken lack of engagement as a sign of envy. 

Like, when did it all start to matter this much? 

Since when did the amount of likes and comments signaled one's validity and "right of passage" into the real world? 

The air sometimes feels way too heavy where the engagement is superficial and heightened. 

So, I guess it's no wonder I keep coming back to this safe space of mine. 

ichigo iche

 ... is a Japanese idiom, which roughly translates to "one time, one meeting - an encounter that only happens once in a lifetime", 

which is perhaps the single most important idiom that kept me from taking things for granted, especially in that one year we were in the UK. 

Somehow, having an end date, or rather knowing that your days are numbered really helps in making sure you soak in every single day like it's your last. You tend to celebrate each day that comes and become more attentive and observant - afraid that you would somehow miss something that may never repeat itself. You also hype your achievements, no matter how little, because there is no guarantee for those successes -- no matter how little, to repeat themselves.

But now that we're back home, life repeats itself on the daily and it's difficult to view the world with that same wondrous and positive outlook as I had last year - like I keep wondering, is this something really worth celebrating? 

Like I said in my earlier post, it's been a little over a year since our return. And likewise, it's been a little over a year since I reported back to the office to resume my duties as a Public Officer, which simply means I survived the first year of serving my 3-year bond! And that really is some cause for celebration, but still... deep down, I've long abandoned that celebratory trait in me, which I so cherished in the previous year, because I know for a fact that the life we came back to, came without it.

Be that as it may, I do hope that I would some day find the excitement in ichigo iche again. Or that I come to the realisation that even my every day mundane deserves the same kind of celebration.

one year on

Can you believe it, it's been a little over a year since we hopped on a plane back home?

I can hardly believe how fast time has flown by, and all of the seasons we've had to go through since we returned.

I sometimes wonder where that wondrous, adventure-seeking, mountain-scaling girl went to, and often think about the "demise" of that wonderful season in my life. 

It's not often that we get to experience a season in life where we are blessed with time, money and health all at once, and for that I am eternally grateful that we were given that opportunity. 

But our recent trip back "home" in July, as great as it was, finally brought me some closure. 

I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I said everything that I needed and wanted to say. 

And I finally had the courage to let go of the "could have beens" which plagued my mind just the year before. I came to an absolute realisation that the grass really is greener where we water it. And that we would be happy wherever we were, as long as we were together. 

No doubt we do think about that one year of bliss with fondness, and no doubt we miss that life sometimes because there was nothing not to love - weather and all included. But I am glad that we came home and really settled back in (albeit a year too late). I'm just grateful that we decided very early on during that season, that at least for the foreseeable future, that this life we are now going through was the season who are chosing for now. 

Although, I have to say... 

That one year of bliss has totally ignited an itch in me, which I can't seem to scratch away.

And I find myself manifesting a life beyond this life, because I now know how to find joy in things other than what brought me there in the first place. 

"it is what it is"...

 ... is what my friend recently wrote on IG.

And while at first blush it seems as if my friend had given up on life, she had actually not. 

On the contrary, while she was resigned to the fact that her life is what it is, and that she had made peace with it, she had, in the same breath validated the fact that what she is facing at the moment is hard.

In life, some things are what they are, that's a given. But that doesn't make our challenges any less harder or that we have to simply brush them aside and ignore how they make us feel. This life is not meant to be perfect so it's really okay if it isn't.

But that said, if the imperfection makes us feel down or upset, we need to face that feeling and validate it. 

And to validate it, we need to recognise that we are allowed to have a reaction to how it makes us feel. 

And we need to always remember that, where reactions are concerned, we are in complete control. 

We may not always be able to respond to it rationally, or unemotionally, or in a way that is acceptable (to God knows who) but on the days we can, we should really give ourselves credit and pat ourselves on the back.

This past two weeks, I have been ebbing in and out of accepting that life is what it is. At the same time, I have also allowed myself to be upset about how some parts are making me feel less than great.

And while I am completely aware of how in control I am of my reactions, there are some days when I question if I should (control my reactions). 

On those days, I simply give in to how low the situation has brought me to and go with the flow; I let the dishes sit in the sink overnight, I sleep in for an extra hour, I don't rush anyone or anything although we are running late on school mornings and some days, I even explain to my children about the situation I am going through so that they are aware and somehow understand why I am the way I am, and I assure them that this phase shall pass.

Doing this has allowed me to have a little bit of "mope moment". Doing this has allowed me to somehow feel stronger, and have the energy get out of that warm duvet and be where I need to be and do things that I'm supposed to get done. Doing this has allowed me to validate the fact that life gets hard sometimes (and sometimes beyond my control) but it also allows me to know that after I give myself a breather, I am in total control of the things that follow, if that makes any sense to you at all.

(written on 12th July 2023 - found in my drafts)

(posting it anyway, because it still seems so valid)

context

Assessment period is here! 

And that means it's time for us to write, write and write some more!

Transitioning from a career woman to a student again has been okay for me so far and I guess it's partly due to the "soft landing" I've had in the past 2 years (more on that later in a much longer post, I suppose).

I have always looked forward to becoming a student again. After all, I was (back in my undergraduate days) one of those annoying girls who would sit at the front of the class, vigourously taking notes and asking questions when the rest of the class was ready to leave for lunch. Hehe.

And though in this round of being a student, I am also a wife... and mother and those roles come with challenges of their own, I have come to terms with the fact that there can never really be perfection in any of these roles. Most days, I'm just winging it. 

I'm currently sitting in the library, with a huge window before me, basking in the sun (well, whatever is left there for the day, that is). And in this past week, I have thought alot about how sometimes, people need to be given context -- about me and my life now. 

While it's true that I've become really good at ignoring what other people think of me, and my focus after I turned 35 was basically to keep on going in a direction that my future self would thank me for, there are times when I tell things to people about myself, just to give them a little bit of context. 

My life as it is hasn't always been like this and I wasn't always like this. 

"You're so lucky" is the impression that most people have about me and I admit that to a large extent, I have been blessed in so many ways. But, like I said before, my (our) life wasn't always like this. Our "luckiness" didn't appear overnight and it's existence has a direct correlation with how hard we worked -- on our jobs, our marriage, our children and also our personal development. 

Were there blood and tears? Well, of course there were, there was plenty.

Hence, sometimes, when speaking to people who have not seen me go through it all, I give them a little bit of context -- of the many long years we were in a long-distance marriage, of the 7-year itch which apparently isn't a myth (please don't ever think that you won't ever get bitten by it no matter how strong your marriage is) and of generally how tough some times were (I initially wrote a really long paragraph about this and then deleted it because I can't, to this day, write about it).

I need to give them context because they need to know that sometimes, when it all adds up, it makes sense that we are who we are today and that our lives are the way it is today. If that explains anything at all. 

Of course, it's always easy to think that someone has it easy because they are lucky...

 ...but even if have been blessed in so many ways MasyaAllah, in so many ways, we have also learned to count everything we've been granted with as a blessing. 

So, yes, read that last sentence again.

And we hope that you could now put it all into perspective.

these thoughts won't won't fit on my IG post

This is going to take more than 140 words. 

Because frankly I can't really find the words to describe how I feel.

Because really, it's all feeling so very surreal, even though it's been almost 2 months now since we arrived and settled in.

x

Hello there from the UK. Yes, I am in the UK. In fact, we are all in the UK. We, being the #clingyclan. 

We've had this planned for about 2 years now and some of the days and months leading to today did at some point feel impossible, so much so that we lost hope over so many things, so many times over. Hence, making being here today feel even more surreal. 

Embarking on this journey, we kept many things under covers. We wanted to stay in our lane and didn't want to list help unnecessarily or get advice that were unsolicited. We wanted to try and do things our way, in our own pace, and to only get help from those who we knew wanted to help, genuinely. 

So here's a big shout out to those who helped get us here today! We could never have done it without your unwavering support.

Here for almost 2 months now, and I have come to the realisation that all we need is time. 

We need time to settle in, to adjust and time to get used to even the most basic of things. Moving to a foreign country (albeit at your own volition) is major, and giving yourself time and forgiving yourself for your shortcomings really, really helps. 

From past experience, I have learned not to push myself unnecessarily, and know better to make peace with myself for not figuring things out immediately (or ever, really!) and I have come to terms with the fact that as a normal human being with flaws of my own, some days I am upbeat and fine, but other days... well, other days like today, I am just feeling a tad bit bluer than I normally do. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's okay.

At the beginning of November, I saw a random IG post, which told me to begin November by reflecting on how far I've come this year.

And... wow. What a year it has been! 

To think that it was filled with all the important things; like sitting for IELTS, family members falling gravely sick, us moving homes, kids starting a new year at school and doing really well just before we left, visa applications, us scrambling to find a new home here in the UK, us worrying about how we were going to cope being students while raising our school-going children in a foreign place without family support, us packing 11 bags in anticipation of our move, me traveling on a separate plane than Hajihaji with the kids (and 7 bags!), us unpacking our lives here in our new place and now learning to call this place home, kids going to new schools and now enjoying themselves, and somehow in all of these experiences, despite our differences and inevitable arguments, Hajihaji and I have found renewed strength in each other as partners.

I guess it's no surprise that upon reflection of what 2023 has been (so far), I am feeling a little nostalgic. My playlist is most definitely not helping, and the fact that assessments have been uploaded for our action and my purple brain not allowing me to fall into an abyss of mediocrity (at least where preparation is concerned) is just adding up to my melancholy.

 I know that amongst my aims coming here is to come out from this experience more intellectually enlightened, and frankly, since I'm on scholarship and fully aware that I'm being funded by the hard-earned money of tax-paying Malaysians, I know that it'd be in everyone's interest that I do (really) well.

But... having said that, I know too, that this opportunity only comes once in a blue moon, and perhaps only far and few in between, and so I must learn to let my hair down... and plan for some of the fun things too.

But of course, only after I complete my assessment outline (I know right, boooooo!) But I'm really only doing this because I need to plan my life ahead so that I can really enjoy my holidays, instead of working on my assessments then! 

And with that, I shall get back to my assessments.

Despite the melancholy mood in which the post was written, I really, am truly grateful that we are here, experiencing all that we are experiencing, as a unit-- together. 

I need to always look back to this year... and think about those times when I had once wished for all that I now have. MasyaAllah, we must be thankful, always, for all the blessings we've been granted with.

With that, here's to 2023, and to all our future adventures ahead!

We're totally feeling September

"But I can see us lost in a memory

August slipped away into a moment of time..."

-Taylor Swift

Today is the first day of September and after all that we've been through, and despite all the uncertainties ahead, I am totally feeling September.

So many things have happened this year, and so many times, I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on this journey, but didn't. And although no one really knows where this road will lead, I am glad that I didn't give up on this dream. 

September is really, really here!

We're down to tying up the loose ends, and getting mentally ready for what lies ahead. 

I've got to be honest that switching from one mode to another totally different one is quite a tall order, but having something totally different (and totally outside my comfort zone) to look forward in the near future to is making my counting days alot more exciting than I thought it would be. 

So, I'm nervous, I'm excited and at times scared, even. 

But I'm totally feeling September, especially now that September is here! 

Wish us luck, we're going to need all that we can get!