on the receiving end of rebellion

Mid-2018 will mark my 10th year in Service. 

And my oh my, what a long way I have come from that innocent young officer who once walked through the doors on my first day of work.

I admit that I wasn't the instant favourite. In fact, since I did pretty well in University, I kind of felt entitled -- like I wasn't supposed to be tasked with the "menial" tasks which I was tasked with; that I was worth SO MUCH MORE -- that I deserved whatever it is that I thought I deserved.

Thing is, just like in any organisation, respect is earned; and so is trust. 

And though I learned the hard and long way, at least I took the time to learn.

xx

 

Now 10 years on, I find myself on the receiving end of rebellion.

I find myself being disappointed with the current breed/crop of officers reporting to duty. I keep thinking about why and how they turned out the way they turned out -- though I must admit that not everything is bad about them, no. They know leeways and loopholes and shortcuts of all sorts and some can be really smart when they put their mind over matter. BUT BUT BUT -- for "old timers" like myself, some successes cannot be reached via shortcuts. And no matter how "open to change" I am and should be about "evolution", there are some things which cannot be substituted, one of them being PURE HARD WORK.

Thing is, there's a grave misconception about "pure hard work". People think that people who put in pure hard work don't "work smart" because there are seemingly "smarter" and "shorter" ways to reach the intended result. But the thing is, if you are not "technically sound" about a particular subject matter you are tasked to, can you really work smart without going that extra mile i.e. putting in the extra effort? 

From years of personal observation, many of us don't think that putting in that extra effort is worth what it really is. Many perceive their hard work to be of no use because Service is so big so really, what is the point of working so hard anyway? Would anyone even care to recognise our efforts in any way?

But why must it always be about what other people think? What about what you think about yourself and how well-earned your money is? I know a thing or two about the importance of getting validation and how hard it can be, but it isn't an impossible feat. What I've learned in this past decade is that the harder I try to make others happy, the less happy I become with the end results. And I'm not saying that we should defy authority on purpose just to prove our worth - I'm just saying that for the most part, you should be yourself -- 

Speaking of which... I am not a rebel at heart and rebellion never looked good on me. To many, I may look like the perfect product of brainwash, whose life revolves around that " Perfect Life Checklist", who chooses to be "safe" and "boring" because I toe the line and conform to the norms of the society. 

The thing is, I'm HAPPY.

Has anyone ever wondered whether I am happy -- despite my seemingly "routine life" and "lack of richness" (i.e. money)? 

Have you ever felt liberated to not be in debt? To not be under the pressure of owning branded goods? To not compare how well your children are doing next to the next genius kid in town who can spell a 100 words at the age of 5? To feel ENOUGH? Have you?

If you haven't, then, you should really stop judging the way I live my life and my personal preference of "staying safe" -- because I have never questioned anyone's personal choices in life no matter how much I disagree. 

Because like I said before, I am HAPPY -- with my life -- the one I chose. So, I think questions about being hard working, and safe and boring should stop because it's bordering on becoming personal insult.

xx

So, maybe I've digressed a little from the original intent of writing this post. 

But it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Because being at the receiving end of rebellion is no fun. 

Dealing with people who think that defying authority just to prove a point isn't fun.

And frankly, people who think that working hard is overrated are way too overrated.

At least I'm pulling my own weight. So, be thankful about that.

let me photograph you in this light.

“But when she is gone, those photos won’t show your children the women who was behind the camera. Take the photo. Messy hair, no make up or a dirty old t-shirt won’t matter to your children when she is gone someday.”

...

And just like that, it struck a cord and hit right home.

Not sure how other phones work, but the iPhone has a face recognition function and groups people according to how frequently they are photographed on the phone.

And guess what? 

I'm the only one right now without a folder... on my own phone!

HAHAHAHAH.

I know some people think that I shouldn't make a big deal out of this... but when I realised that my sister (who is in Australia, by the way!) has a folder of her own, on my phone... I kind of think that things just don't add up. 

I'm with my family (mostly with my kids) almost all the time. We may not be on a perpetual high, forever having fun and we have our off-ish, ugly days... but there are days when I just wished that someone would take a photo of me and me with them, in the same way and with the same care that I take their photos with my children -- whether we (I) look good or not. And I'm really not talking just about my husband. I'm talking about the whole population of people around me also with gadgets of their own, capable of photo-taking.

Sometimes I watch short videos of other people with their babies/children on Instagram and catch myself thinking... "Hey, I did that too!"... followed by... "I wish someone took my photo too..."... And not so much because I want to share my joy with everyone unnecessarily but purely as my own keepsake...

 Some people also suggested that I take more selfies of myself and the kids if I think that having photos with them is sooo important, but really..., "No woman wants to look back at a lifetime of selfies.". So, yeah...

There are times when I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks that it's important that I'm in the photos (some, if not all) and whether I'm a freak for wanting to be part of that "documentary", which is our lives together... but I'm pretty sure that I'm not (?)

Do you think it's too much to want to be part of the life that you are part of?

And how do I solve this "problem" which is seemingly so important to me at this point in my life?

Just for the record, this is a great picture despite the circumstances we were in.

hello, my new old friend.

I've resigned to the fact that we can no longer avoid growing older. I've embraced that fact so well now, that growing older doesn't scare or bother me anymore -- in fact, admitting my real age kind of makes me proud.

I know people say that growing old is inevitable and growing up is a choice... and yes, to a certain extent, I do believe that you will only feel as old as you allow yourself to feel. However, I do also think that you cannot not grow up -- as in mature kind of grow up. And no matter how you avoid growing up, maturity will (should) come to you to change you and I think we've all got to believe that that is inevitable too.

Maturity changes a person -- and with that, a person's priorities changes as well.

I think the biggest challenge for those who refuse to grow up is realising that the things which were once so important to everyone of the same age group now no longer seem as important anymore. And the thing is... after we reach a certain age (like, 30, for example), there is no hard and fast rule about what should or should not be important as our circumstances are no longer the same.

We are no longer expected to be struggling to complete our undergraduate studies.

We are no longer expected to be married and have children because that is a highly personal choice.

We are no longer expected to have a 8-5 job because we're old enough to make those kinds of decisions.

And so... to say that another person's priority should be of more or lesser priority than ours is kind of wrong especially when there can no longer be an apple to apple comparison between us. We're no longer one and the same like we used to be.

Having said that though...

I admit that we have to, to a certain extent have a list of priorities... some of them being children, family and old friends... And even so... there are times when we just can't get our priorities right, right? 

...

Recently, an old friend of mine called another old friend of mine her "new old friend" and it got me thinking really hard about life and how far along we've come and how many people might be calling me as their "new old friend".

Every time someone tells me that I've changed, I tell them that life happened and there was no way for me to stop the change from coming. And inevitably, I would end up being that "new old someone" to that person because I am no longer the person they used to know.

Thing is... though there might be people regarding me as their "new old someone"... I'm frankly not as bothered as I thought I would be because there's just so much going on in my life right now... that I need to keep some other things (which may seem a little less important at this stage in my life) at bay. I feel this way because I too always try to make leeway and concessions for those I know who are going through alot of their own struggles in life... But still... this will always be misunderstood as not putting in enough effort into the relationship, wouldn't it?

Would it be a tall order for me to wish that at some point in life, things (like friendship) will just pick themselves up and we can all start afresh again at a better time when I'm not so busy refereeing the kids?

Or would I be dying alone without friends because I have become that "new old someone" in their lives?

my and the social media.

Blogging used to be so much fun. Sharing used to be so much fun.

But now, I feel like everything you say could be used against you in the most adverse way possible. 

And as much as I don't get why, I do somehow believe in the "evil eye", which I believe is the very reason I have so much hesitance in posting anything because the question I keep asking myself every.single.time I feel like sharing anything now is...,

"Motip?"

Somehow, I feel that these questions I keep asking myself stem from my own annoyance with the influx of unnecessary information on social media of late (like on Instagram, for instance).

I keep wondering why people share the things they do and to be completely honest, there are times when their postings make me feel somewhere between annoyance and jealousy, which is totally and completely ridiculous! And not to mention unhealthy! Because surely, there was no malice intent in their postings as they were just sharing. It's called SHARING, Hanisa!

And still!

It goes to show that although I am not an evil person in general, I do at times question other people's motives when they share something, when it's really none of my business! So I keep imagining having an evil person looking at my innocent postings with an evil eye and that sets off alarms which puts me in a whole new level of paranoia.

So anyways, my Instagram is a little dead right now because I don't know how much of myself I'm willing to expose (such an ironic statement considering the activities going on in this blog haha) and though I'm not sure why I blog anymore apart from wanting to have some keepsakes for my own future reference, here I am sharing away some of my life because here's where I feel the "safest".

I do sometimes wonder if I'm the only one having such chronic love-hate with the social media.

where do I even begin?

There really isn't anyone or anything to blame for my absence from this space. I've lost count of the many times I've stared into this "Compose" space and wondered,

"Where do I begin?"

Because between then (read: the last post) and now... so many things have taken place. And each time I think of everything that has happened during that space of time, my reactions range from anxiety to relief to sadness. Worst still, there are times when they're all bundled as one huge feeling ... and that's when it becomes overbearingly overwhelming.

Like it is today. 

And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.

So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.

Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?

Shall we begin with the multiple clinic visits and  hospitalisations that happened 2 weeks apart in the span of 6 weeks?

Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?

Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?

Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?

Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?

Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?

All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.

Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.

In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.

Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.

So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.

The Four Promises.

These past 2 weeks have been an amazing time for my little family. 

Despite the amount of convincing I had to do at the office, I managed to get my long leave approved... just because I needed to take a break. Not sure what kind of music I'll be facing when I get back to the mothership on Monday... but I know that it'll be worth it.

And to make use of this long break, we held a little Birthday Lunch for our kids with family and close friends, we went on a little holiday by the beach, we huddled to sleep together on the daily, played house and let the kids have extended bedtimes, just for the fun of it.

During this break, I've also been able to have some real conversations with my husband about all the things that matter; life, future, properties and religion. 

And on the topic of religion, we talked about what it felt like to feel so "removed" from Allah. 

Because truth to be told, of late, I have felt that way one too many times. And I don't know why.

Well, even if I did know why, there's actually very little that I can do to change it -- and therein lies the problem.

Because you see, as a mother, you are required to give 200% of yourself to motherhood -- even when you don't want to. So, being a "single parent" means that you've got to give double the attention and TLC to your kids, which means that you'd have very little of anything left to yourself... including time with your God. 

I know that children shouldn't be the reason but anyone who's been in my reality would know that I don't at all intend to use my children as a reason and honestly, I really miss time with my God. 

Having some time off from work gave me time to think about how to improve my relationship with God. Because like I said before, I miss my time alone with Him. So, I figured, even if I could no longer spend hours in prostration to Him, maybe I could just open up to Him right before I sleep and pray -- as in pray hard and submit to Him wholly (tawakkal) with hopes that whatever deeds I have done for the day would be enough.

And so, my journey of total submissiveness began. While putting my kids to sleep, I prayed,

"Ya Allah, please help me Ya Allah. I don't know what else I should do."

And that is really all it took.

Total submissiveness was really all that was required for Allah to bring light on my plight. 

Therefore, I am writing this today so that (you and) I shall never forget the 4 promises - 

(1) Remember Me, and I will remember you;

(2) Ask Me, and I shall give you;

(3) If you give thanks, I will give you more; and

(4) Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness. 

So, whatever you do, whatever you problems, don't give up on praying. 

It really isn't too late to ask. 

be kind - none of us can make it alone in this world.

Readers of this space would probably think that I am exactly like I am here and in real life -- at least in terms of how open I am about my life.

Truth is, my whole "make up" is the complete opposite; I don't really trust that easily; I hardly open up to those who I don't know on a personal basis; and though I don't really have a resting bi*ch face, many have confessed that they don't find me that approachable.

Kind of makes this space a contradiction in itself, since I have absolutely no idea who exactly is reading these mindless rants of mine. And yet, I've been pouring my heart out in this space for years with so much comfort, so much so that some might think that they know me though they've never met me.

I actually don't enjoy being unapproachable. And although I'm not really that sociable or outgoing, I do occasionally enjoy random conversations with random people and I wonder how I can be just a little slightly more than friendly, at the very least.

Which is why at the very beginning of 2017, I have resolved to try.

And... to my surprise, my efforts are beginning to reap extremely desirable effects. People around me who never knew me personally before, who initially thought I am "Super" now know that I, just like them, am human too -- that I have off days with my kids, that I enjoy online shopping and that I crave for some downtime from work although I love to work. 

It took so much for me to open up, but it took so little for them to accept the fact that I am not invincible.

Which then lead me to resolve on another thing, which is to be kinder to women in general.

Not sure about how things are on your end, but on my end, people seem to glorify a man's efforts, while the same effort in women is shun. Simple example - a man rushes home after work because he has to pick up his children = sweet and responsible, But if a woman does the same? = unfocused and doesn't know her priorities.

See what I mean?

Worst thing is that it's the women who belittle other women. We are our own worst enemy. 

Hence my earlier new resolution.

So, I'm basically writing this today to say that I'm just a normal human being. And that I have off days. And that I'm tired of being a woman belittled by other women. And so, I will continue to congratulate women for their husband's and their own successes. Because once in a while, people need to be reminded that behind every successful man is a (physically and mentally) strong woman and that none of us can make it in this world alone. So, be kind.

With that, Happy Monday everyone.

2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

Looks like this is what my "blogger" life has been reduced to; a 2-month once update.

Ashamed to call myself a "blogger" anymore because (1) not sure how relevant blogs are in the world of growing social media; and (2) I've jumped on the "bandwagon" of no updates for want of time (mostly).

Yet, at the same time... having kept this blog for so long, doing away with it doesn't seem like an option at all. 

My baby girl is now 6 months and 1 week young. She's currently down with fever, cutting 2 teeth at once. Can't flip onto her tummy by herself yet... but when you give her tummy time, she's pretty mobile. So, I really have to watch her because man is that girl fast! No solids yet because she can't sit upright on her own... but to be completely honest, I actually feel a little bit sayang to give her solids after all that hard work making sure she's 100% (b)oo(b)fed up to this point.

Other than that...

6 months after, we're still trying our best to understand each other.

I've relented to the fact that I can never be the same mother I was to Luqman when raising Atiya. And though I'm 6 months late in coming to that realisation, I do admit that admitting that fact has caused much liberation (to my surprise). Not sure who's standards I was trying to live up to previously, but now that I'm over being hard on myself, I should probably start to enjoy my girl before it's too late.

Other than that...

Life has been quite uneventful, I must say -- and the irony is that it has left me with very little (leisure) time in hand. I sometimes forget the person I was before I became a mom of two and my passion for the things I used to love -- and life generally... has just been reduced to well, going through day after day after day after day.

I know I sound a little ungrateful, unhappy even (which honestly is not the case at all)... but I can't help but sound that way while I'm going through this toughest phase (i.e. the First 18 Months) alone. 

And while I hope that this phase will pass, I do also hope that Atiya won't grow up too fast, leaving all her baby fat behind as a mere memory. In fact, like I've mentioned so many times before, I'd like for me to  be able to baby her a little while longer and for a chance for us to be able to understand each other a little bit better. 

So, that should be all you need to know as an update at 2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

I hope I will once again find the light in my soul -- and that that light would one day show in these writings that I very much like to share. 

buat baik tak payah berpada.

Lately… I’ve been thinking really hard about Him and all of His Grand Plans.

Sometimes, I get it, but sometimes I just don’t and although I generally wonder why things happen the way they do, these days, I’ve just learned to keep calm and soldier on. No matter which way whatever goes, there is always a hikmah – I just need to be patient to find it.

Lately, many things have happened to myself and also the people around me. And these things have gotten me thinking about how important it is to be an all round good person – jaga kata, jaga pandangan and most importantly, jaga hati.

Apa pun yang jadi, jaga hati – jangan ada rasa benci, jangan sengaja menyakiti, jangan ada rasa dengki.

Because no matter how clichéd the saying “Life is a circle” is… it really is the truth. You just don’t know at which point in your life you’ll be at the bottom so best be prepared to be trampled on. But better still, best be prepared with the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, there will be people who will have your back.

Kalau kita jahat/dengki dengan orang lain, kan dah susah? Because people will always remember how you make them feel and if 90% of the time you make people feel bad, there’s a high likelihood that people won’t feel bad about making you feel bad.

It’s a vicious cycle, I know. And it probably isn’t the way things should be… but it is.

So, better be safe than sorry – buat baik tak payahlah berpada-pada.

Tapi kalau orang baik, jangan lah pijak kepala pula.

mencari sebuah jawaban.

I just sent out my response to HR with regards to my upcoming transfer. And I've been asking around for some empty boxes for me to put my 3 years worth of stuff in. I haven't even acclimatised to being back in this office and now, I've got to prep myself for the new place, which isn't really that new come to think of it... but I have been away for 3 years, so I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I really don't know where I should begin. 

All I know is that this is the answer. 

You see, we've been spending some time looking for answers -- for everything. 

Life has thrown us a curveball we're not entirely sure how to deal with... and it's been super overwhelming to say the least. I no longer feel bad about crying openly about it and I no longer feel sorry for not having things figured out. My only regret is that I sometimes lose my temper and my firstborn has to bear the brunt of it, which gets me really upset every single time. 

Thing is, can anybody help it -- can anyone really abstain from losing their temper when there's just so much to do and seemingly so little time to do them. And what is up with children and their doing everything in tandem? Berak in tandem, cry in tandem, asking for food in tandem. They're like a tag team despite their age gap and I find my patience thinning every single day. 

I've got to admit that I sometimes feel really inferior to mothers in the same boat as myself who seem unfazed by their circumstances -- and doing everything that I'm currently doing and more. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they have a velcro baby like mine... or if they've deafened their ears to their baby's cries or if their babies don't cry to be picked up at all. And I sometimes wonder when on earth do these mothers pump milk and when do they ever sleep?

 Don't we all have the same 24 hours in a day...?

I'm so full of questions -- and I was so ready for answers when the Transfer Order came.

And even then, I was plagued by fear of my uncertain future.

Until I backtracked this whole year and realised how things have fallen into place just the way it should be even though there were days when I thought things turned out differently than they should have.

And that's when I realised -- that all I need to do is my best -- and leave Allah to do the rest.


Indeed He is the Best Planner -- so who am I to question his Grand Plans? 

Inilah dia jawapan yang dicari -- for now at least.

As a take home message for anyone who actually finished reading this --

"Always believe that someone will one day recognise your worth; if it isn't a person -- it would be The One who is bigger than a person." (says my Mom, may Allah bless her soul)

Now... let's get packing!

tiger mom.

If there is anything that I am not, it would be a TIGER MOM. 

I don't know whether it's because Luqman is only 4, or because he does really well in general in school and he gets what I am talking about if I randomly question him about his lessons or because I grew up with a tiger mom myself hehe and see so much of myself in my son... bottom line is, I just can't be a tiger mom -- at least not yet.

I keep telling myself that it is okay because he's only 4, but then again, that's the same thing I said last year when he was only 3! In fact... last year when his teachers told me that he refused to do one of his worksheets during their mid-term assessment in school, I told the teacher that it was okay because he's only 3. I mean, seriously -- I don't expect him to even sit still for more than 5 minutes, what more to complete a whole worksheet without incident! Hahaha.

Not sure when I'm going to start taking his lessons more seriously, but for now, I'm kind of just letting him play because I feel like that is the best for him, for now. I am so worried that if I apply too much academic pressure on him, he might just get bored and he might lose interest in learning altogether, which I believe is far worse than not getting good grades in preschool.

I really don't know if I'm doing things right... but at the moment, I'm kind of happy that I am not comparing myself to other tiger moms out there who I am sure, also want the very best for their children, but whose children's make up are also very different from mine. 

I might change in the near future and that's okay... but for now, I'm happy with the way things have worked out for us. Many might beg to differ with my methods but on that note, maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. Hehe.

*note: writing this because Luqman has a test today and we spent the whole evening yesterday at the playground playing instead of studying. Hoping I won't get complaints (again) about him not cooperating during test time because though I frankly don't care if he doesn't get 5 stars for his test (for now hehe) I do really care if people think he has a bad attitude!

basic, but specific.

re: last post

Some people don't mind slogging on housework but for me personally, it is one of my biggest sources of stress. Come to think of it, among the reasons why I was so stressed out after the Big Move last year is because of the never ending laundry (I'm serious, it's a valid reason, it's not even funny!). So these days, I am not afraid to tell people that I reach out -- that I ask for help -- and that I don't slog. That I just can't.

Like I said in my previous post, even my husband knows that I need support.

Most people will tell me that since we're a couple, we should give each other support, people on Facebook will forward to me articles on "Tanggungjawab Suami Isteri" and the likes and while I know and appreciate the extra knowledge I get from those articles and scholarly sayings, I also know that to each their own -- and that support comes in many different forms.

Thing about me is that while I know I need support and the support I need is basic, I also know for a fact that my kind of basic -- is specific. 

 Specific as in -

Clothes are washed, hanged and dried in a certain way --  food is prepared in a particular way -- and my kitchen is later kept clean -- yes, you guessed it -- in a very particular way. My dishes must be thoroughly dried before they are kept in the cupboard and hear this -- they MUST be returned to the (specific) cupboard(s). NOT to be hanged out to dry forever and ever and ever no matter how many times you're going to reuse them in the future. And oh, I wash all my place mats after every meal -- simply wiping them and leaving them on the table until the next meal will never do.

My idea of a clean floor is one which is mopped with water (only water) at least 3 times. I don't care much for the floor cleaner and how nice it smells, I care more about whether or not the floor is harbouring dust. 

I care about how often towels and telekungs are washed -- and by my standards, Luqman's towels which I pack for him to school must be washed daily because we don't know with whom he's had to accidentally share with while he's there (which is the reason why he's got 9 of those. Yes, 9!) and ours go into the machine weekly.

Our water bottles are washed daily -- and every single part of Luqman's water bottle is dismantled so that I can clean the cap, the body, the straw and each little part before the next batch of plain water is filled in (which is the reason why he has 3 different straw cups and bottles for when he needs water while the other bottle is being washed and dried). The same apply to his milk bottles -- they are at least rinsed before the next feed (at night) and washed after each feed during the day -- also dismantled from top to toe. 

My bed must be made. But I don't like just anyone in my room. I also don't like people touching my things and changing its order without my permission.   

I don't have OCD (okay, maybe it's selective OCD and I don't know any better) and I know some thing's have got to give, but still there are things which I can never give up on. 

Now as for specific emotional support --

I appreciate presence in a comfortable silence. 

It's so simple, but it's really not.

Sometimes, people think that all the "comforting" and "words of wisdom" are necessary at the most crucial times such as labour and the "wee hour morning goodbyes with my husband" or when I'm having a heated argument with Luqman, for example -- but I guess it doesn't always apply to me. I appreciate if people let me decide on whether or not I want to deal with my sorrows on my own or in a crowd -- and I really appreciate if people would just pray for me when I reach out (especially online).

So, how many people can give that kind of (specific) support? Even some well meaning family members can't give me that.

And because of that, unless that support is in the form of a maid, or someone who is paid/commissioned to do specific jobs for me in those specific ways, I can't tell them what to do and how to do it -- because that someone could be family -- and the last people you want to hurt (no matter how unintentionally) are your own well-meaning family. Not that I plan on hurting my maid/confinement lady if I get one in the future but you get the drift, right? That if someone is commissioned and paid to do something for you, it is alot easier to tell them your specifics. That it makes alot of difference because you have some form of control over how things get done in your own home.

I scare myself with my own requirements sometimes, but being alone has opened up my mind to my own disabilities and shortcomings -- and has made me brave enough to know and admit how difficult I can be to please.

Which is why, when my husband suggests support, I tell him that there are very few people/things that can give me actual support. Because as basic and simplistic as I may be, my idea of basic -- is rather specific.

Now, I've just got to figure out how to fulfill them.

--___________--"

we're never just mothers anymore.

Pejam celik -- it's already the 28th day of January. 

Though it's been a pretty challenging month, what with me handling Luqman on my own with my ever growing belly, I've got to say that it hasn't been all that bad. 

Because in all honesty, it's been a pretty productive month too! 

Among the things that I love about my pregnancies (so far at least) is that those 9 months are almost always the most productive time of my life -- like ever! Sure, I do have off days where all I want to do is curl up and sleep and some days, I do just give in and sleep (don't ask where or how), but most days, I'm just happy to get things done and being productive just genuinely makes me happy -- which I reckon is good for producing happy babies (in sha Allah). 

Speaking of which, with time passing by so fast, it kind of scares me a little that my EDD (16.04.2016) is getting nearer. I pretty much had a non-eventful labour the last time, Alhamdulillah and despite my early breastfeeding and motherhood hurdles, things have turned out fine with Luqman (at least for now).

But having said that, it has been 4 years since I last raised a newborn and I've kind of forgotten what I did right (and wrong HAHA)... so I guess it's true what they say about mothers making different mistakes with each child -- as if they've never been a mother before. 

Phew.  

Speaking of motherhood, I noticed that mothers these days like to label ourselves according to groups -- according to how we prefer to bring up and/or feed our children, for example. It seems like we're never just mothers.

There's "Natural Parenting" and "Gentle Parenting" and "Home Made Solid Food For Babies" and "Baby Wearing" and "Kumpulan Ibu Menyusu" and all kinds of other names abbreviated into fancy little labels.

While I admit that these groups are great help especially for the once "Newbie Mom" and also "I Forgot How I Did Things Second Time Mom" like myself, and that it is extremely commendable to keep increasing ourselves in knowledge -- I have to say that I find some groups to be extremely intimidating -- and please, let's not get started on how high-handed some mothers can be about their choices -- hence making them seem extremely judgmental about others' choices. And what's up with using religion as part of your argument for every little thing?
 

What happened to doing something/anything that just seems like the right thing to do at that point in time? What happened to intuition -- the thing that only mothers (and fathers too) have when it comes to their children? What happened to being a diversified and flexible parent which allows you to just go with the flow when the situation requires -- so that your children too will grow up to be diversified and flexible. What is up with us and our obsession with all the labels we stick to ourselves? We are not trademarked products -- we are people -- PARENTS!

I truly believe that a parent can never be just one type of parent -- I know that Gentle Parenting promotes a parent to be Authoritative, which I agree wholeheartedly with BUT having said that, some things have got to give. I believe that no parent likes to use threats but if your paramount consideration is to get out of the door in one piece during school runs early in the mornings (while getting to work on time too!) -- then use those little threats if they work. And if the only way to get your son to finish his dinner is by letting him have some TV time and probably a few pieces of OREO before dinner time, so be it! -- as long as he eats his dinner and you (more like I) don't have to wake up 10,000 times a night to make milk because he's hungry.

I guess I've been taught from my early days of motherhood that we must teach our children things that we can live with. Sure, it's noble to give our kids better things than we ever had but if it breaks our banks and causes unnecessary stress and resentment, what will we become as a parent? So, let the child sleep while we have the TV on, keep the blinds open during the day during nap time so that you don't have to keep the house dark just because your kid needs to sleep, supplement with formula if you've been pumping 6 times a day and you still can't fulfill your child's need of 21 oz at least while you're at work.

As long as you're not abusing your child, keeping them safe and not depriving them of their education, you're doing a great job as a parent -- at least in my books. After all, parenthood is not a competition -- so long as you've got your strings intact and no labels attached ;)    

in case this is the last time.

"Let me photograph you in this light

in case this is the last time

that we might be exactly like we were

before we realised

we we sad of getting old

it made us restless

it was just like a movie

it was just like a song..."

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for us since my husband lost 2 of his good friends -- both of whom I knew -- one through my friendship with one of my TKC girls and the other, through basketball gatherings. 

There are really no words I can say right now -- as those words have been said to those who matter the most.

But the song above basically captures my thoughts (and hopefully explains the tears) as I watched my husband drive away in the wee hours of Sunday morning, back to where he came from, demi sesuap rezeki. 

Because it took those two deaths to make me really realise that "from him we come and to him we shall return". 

Al-Fatihah for the both of them. May they both be placed among the righteous and rest peacefully.

the 10-day extension.

I was counting down the days to The Day -- and it finally came. 

The countdown finally reached the Zero Day mark. *gasp*. But like all other things in 2015, The Day didn't at all go as I thought it would. *double gasp*

Instead, The Day was somehow or rather postponed for about 10 more days where we were given the opportunity to spend ample time with each other -- albeit all of us being "stuck" in a hospital room with 2 of the loves of my life being warded in the hospital for dengue fever for 8 out of those 10 days. 

I wouldn't say that the situation was ideal, but I would say that those 10 days changed us -- and gave us what we needed instead of what we wanted. 

Sure, we wanted the 10-day extension, but we didn't think we needed those 10 days that bad.

In those 10 days, we went through a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions. If my life were lived in an emoticon world, I think it would have used up all of the available emoticons and so much more.

There was once when my husband's platelet count went down to 52 and the very next day, my son's dropped down to 97. The doctor ordered 3 blood draws per day for my husband to monitor his condition, the pediatrician ordered suppositories to be administered to my son every 4 hours because his fever wouldn't crash (39 degrees Celsius, no less) and I was told that at this point, both of them were susceptible to hemorrhaging due to their low platelet count. 

And all I could do then was cry. And pray. And cry some more. 

These are the loves of my life we are talking about -- these are the people I have given 5 years (and more) of my life loving to the moon and back -- these are the people I never knew I could love this much -- in fact, so much more than I even loved myself. 

In those 10 days, we all learned a valuable lesson about love and life -- that it is as temporary -- that it is fragile -- that it could be taken away from you without warning -- that health is indeed the greatest wealth we can have -- that crying is okay (because it helps) -- and most importantly, that in times of calamity such as this, what we really need is a handhold that never breaks -- that Allah is indeed the best of planners, no matter how clueless we are of what His plans really are.

Alhamdulillah, the worst is over (and they survived!!!) and we are all recovering physically and mentally from the ordeal. 

And I am grateful to once again be given the opportunity to spend the first day of 2016 (our 5th year Anniversary!!!) with my 2 cheeky monkeys (well, let's make that 3, because it has to include the little baby girl growing inside my tummy), in what must be one of the most appreciated low-key celebrations. 

Thank you Allah for my wonderful family.