sugar at the bottom.

35/365.

(written on 32/365)

As I was sipping on my store-bought instant coffee this morning, which I mixed at the convenience store to-go, I wondered why it wasn't as sweet as I thought it would be. After all, I did read the ingredients TWICE just to be sure that sugar was part of the package. 

My January was pretty much the same as my coffee this morning. After making sure that I had all the bases covered (or so I thought), I ended up having to constantly take deep, deep breathes to pace myself. Very deep ones. 

My stress levels were so stretched, they almost left permanent marks on my otherwise bubbly disposition. 

But then today, as I was coming to the last few sips of my coffee, I could finally taste the sweetness of the sugar. Talk about saving the best for last, huh?

And in the same way, that's exactly how my life went by in January (and actually pretty much every other month of the year, actually. Only more so this January, kind of); bitter--sweet - in that order. 

While I thought that my life had pretty much hit rock bottom just the other day, life itself promised that, contrary to popular believe, misery is not bottomless. 

It isn't. 

January closed with a HUGE bang (and a really good one at that); one good thing after another came (some of them when I least expected) -- one of them being the long weekend, which was one of most well-spent ones we've had in some time now. And with February starting with such brightness, it's difficult not to be thankful for how life has turned. 

Indeed, with hardship comes ease. 

Because even my bitter coffee had sugar at the bottom - as promised. 

what's done is done.

21/365.

I received an instruction from my Boss to attend a meeting on 21.1.2015 and for the life of me, I thought that 21/365 is tomorrow. It was when I passed the file on to the other officer involved, that I was told that today is the day. I wonder where Monday and Tuesday went to?

This week however, despite the absent-mindedness which seems to have hit me real hard on the head, has been a slightly better week than the last. 

Remember I said in the last post that last week was just a really long week?

Guess what? 

I had an emotional breakdown (which by the way, was the only "break" I really got). Ironically, the breakdown was caused by something which under normal circumstances would have been an otherwise joyous occasion! It was both funny and mysterious seeing myself sobbing uncontrollably. But my husband scooped me in his arms that night and let me sob myself to sleep. He told me (without saying a word) that it was okay to feel that way. 

The morning after the breakdown, I sat myself down with my sister and talked about the whole thing (but she's not the cause of my breakdown, okay!). Occasionally, bile rose in my throat from the hurt I still somehow felt inside. Seems like what I felt was totally normal and my reaction towards that occasion is somewhat warranted.

BUT.

Now that that fact is established, it's time to move on. 

Maybe this is the wake-up call that I needed. 

What's done is done.

the route unknown.

14/365.

6/365 was my first working day for the year. I survived the day (and week) with flying colours and it most definitely turned out a whole lot better than I expected, which is wonderful Alhamdulillah!

This week though, has been a rather tough week, so with only 2 days (plus minus) to go until the weekends come, you can imagine the state of my excitement! Mengalahkan budak-budak sekolah, I kid you not! 

After taking a break from running (not really by choice) for the whole of December, I started running again when January came. And 11.15 miles later, I have come to realise one thing; 

I always do better when I'm out on a new route. 

They aren't really "new" as in "unknown" kind of new, in fact I pass by those routes almost daily, sometimes, twice daily but there's something mysteriously exciting about embarking on the path by foot so much so that I keep going and going without even realising that I'm done.

During my last run, which happens to be my first attempt at running 5k non-stop since November, which also happens to be one of those days when I decided not to take my normal route, I thought about the possibility of taking a route which I have never ever thought of taking; which is to leave the known. 

I don't think about this very often (though ironically, my opinion is always sought when someone thinks about leaving the known) but that day, I just thought of the many "what ifs". I asked myself the important questions I normally ask my "clients" when they seek for advice, which among others include, 

"Do you (at the moment) feel underpaid?"

"Is the subject matter one which you don't have any interest in?"

"Do you have a special medical condition which doesn't allow you to be in a stressful environment?" (this job generally is not for the faint-hearted, I assure you!)

"Does the offer out there have enough of a pulling factor?"

"Where are you going to send your kid while you're at work?"

etc., etc., etc..

And I answered "No", "It is extremely interesting", "Not yet", "I have never received an offer because well... I have never applied to anyone", and "I can't deal with him stressing out about changing schools again".

So...

Yeah.

Maybe all I really need is a break. 

(and to think that I said that just after 2 weeks entering the New Year!)

Hoping that next week would be a better one! Phew!

ampat tahun lah!!!

 1/365.

(autopublished)

Oftentimes (in the past years), the actual day of our anniversary isn't always the happiest time of the year. I don't know why (well, I do know why actually) but I have somehow become content with the way things are because what's one day compared to the rest of the (happier) days in that year, which by the way, was wonderful, right?

(that, coming from me was huge, right? hehe)

Like any good old couple, we've had our fair share of fights and arguments, but as thegoodquote.co says, "Never give up. Great things take time." And truthfully, even with all lows that we go through in our marriage, the highs have been pretty amazing too. 

So to the man after my own heart, thank you for all that you do; for the roof over my head, for the food on our table, for your neverending affection and generosity and your efforts in ensuring that we're always happy. 

And I may not say it as often as I should, but I love you, I really do. 

AMPAT TAHUN LAH!!!

♥

(to many more amazing years, in sha Allah okay?)

going back to basics.

 365/365.

Earlier this year, I entered the year with only one resolution in mind, which is to make 2014 happy (read here). At some point, I even thought that it was a funny resolution, but a necessary funny one all the same. And honestly, because of that one rather odd resolution, 2014 was a rather good year for me. Of course on the bigger scale; globally and nationally, things didn't turn out so well, but personally, this was one of the better years for me yet. 

Having gone through such a great year, I kind of feel sad to leave it all behind. I know for sure that it was a good year not just by fluke, and it certainly did require alot of effort on my part and I guess that's what's making me even more nervous wondering if I can keep it up in 2015 and the years to come.

.

In our younger years, our resolutions were so much simpler (not to mention, much funnier too LOL!). Once, I even had this log book dedicated to my resolutions and I vividly remember that one of those resolutions was to make SF my best friend (HAHAHAHAHA)! SF is no longer my best friend and we haven't been in contact for so long, but that's not really the point. My point is that as we grow older, we tend to take simplicity for granted. 

We go through year after year after year trying to make resolutions bigger and better than the last and in so doing, all simplicity (and some of reality too I reckon) gets lost in translation. 

We end up with unattainable goals and shoes which are too big to fill. And we end up frustrated. 

.

So, I've decided that in 2015, I'm going to go back to basics.

Be happy(ier), give back more to society, read more, call family and friends more often, clean my office desk more often, exercise more frequently, probably make another baby (eh? hahahahah) etc. etc. etc...

I really don't know yet how I'm going to go about it. And I don't know yet if 2015 and the years to come are going to be as good to me as 2014 has been (it's going to be pretty hard to beat, I admit) but I guess that's part of the challenge that I'll have to face. 

That's life, so bring it on! 

1/365 coming in 12 hours time.

|And here's 2014 in a nutshell|

the dark days are over.

November was such an amazing month for me that I sometimes couldn't believe how lucky I got. In fact, there were times when I thought it was just too good to be true.

It actually was.

Orang tua-tua selalu kata, "Jangan gelak kuat sangat, nanti menangis."

They said it for a reason. And a good one too.

Because just 2 days after my last post in November, my life flipped and I entered into what I would call the "dark days".

I knew then that those dark days would eventually end, but I just wished I knew when.

.

Then suddenly, we have the entire office all to ourselves until the end of the year. Although the end of the year seems like such a long time, it's actually just about 3 days from today. Or is it 2?

Be that as it may, I find myself acting like a kid who just won a free pass from prison. And so many things which I have unintentionally abandoned during those dark days are begging me for their attention, this blog and a myriad of other seemingly tedious and insignificant (but rather important, if that's possible) stuff, like filing of my personal documents, for instance.

Now that 1/3 days is coming to an end, I sure do hope that the next 2 will be alot more productive than this. also hope that I would be able to begin next year with better spirits, and on the right foot.

For now, I'm just happy that the dark days (for me at least) are over and I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

.

In remembrance of our fellow Malaysians who are suffering from the floods in the East Coast and Northern regions of Malaysia, I'd like to share with you something that I read in a book (which I've already posted on Facebook) -

From Soalan 19 daripada 47 Persoalan Berkenaan Qadar dan Qadha - Bolehkah musibah disandarkan kepada taqdir Allah?

Please know that you are not alone in this as we are all being tested too. 

With hardship comes ease, in sha Allah.

♥

count your blessings to find what you look for.

So, yesterday, Mama called me to ask me about something. It's been such a long, long, long time since I last talked to her. In fact, it's been a long time since I last updated anyone at home about my well-being; not even on Whatsapp. My sister told me that they're all getting a little worried of my silence. 

Anyway, after we were done talking about business, Mama asked me how things generally are. I think she sort of sensed that I was holding "something" back, mothers naturally being the intuitive people that they are. And with that, came the whole heart to heart session along with the water works, which was expected and also accepted with calming, soothing words from the other side of the line.

Mama then told me that in the face of all this adversity, I really should count my blessings and to always remember that Allah is here for us. And that this phase, like every other good and bad phase I've been through in my life, shall pass.

To many, Mama's advice may just be an overused hackneyed expression meant to be said when nothing else could be said, but I knew that Mama wasn't just using that advice because she had nothing better to advise; she really, really meant it and wanted me to think real hard about it. 

Which I did. 

Yesterday, after battling with a severe bout of demotivation and feeling exhausted from being emotionally battered, I returned to my family, who didn't expect me to be back so early, but jumped with utmost joy from the surprise, nonetheless. 

Last night, as we huddled together under the duvet, trying to keep each other warm (it was raining non-stop yesterday), I realised that that was the happiest I've been in close to a month. And that was probably all it would take to make me really happy for all my life. 

I won't lie and say that I'm feeling a 100% better today, but I'm somewhat feeling better. Because next to that door slammed shut right in my face, are a the million other doors which have widely opened for me. And when I think about those open doors, I know that I'm actually alot luckier than I think. 

"normal"

Under normal circumstances, very few things can leave me unfazed.

Only recently (the past 4 weeks of silence on this blog kind of recently), I'm beginning to wonder what "normal" really is.

I used to think that minding my own business was the most normal thing to do. I come in. I do my job. I leave. I repeat. I don't care about what other people have in their trays. I don't bother them with what I have in mine. And to a certain degree, I expect reciprocity for all the respect I accord to others; their work, their time and their ethics (or even lack of). 

In a nutshell, I do what I need to do to keep my balance. After all, it is said that to avoid falling off the bicycle, you've got to keep on peddling, which I do. But when someone kicks my bike intentionally so that I fall down and hurt, just for the fun of it, I begin to wonder if I've been doing things wrong. And if I too should play that dirty game called "dengki".  

Truth to be told, that thought consumes me. I sometimes catch myself inadvertently scheming evil thoughts and plans because I think that whatever it is I am going through right now is so unfair and that the only way the other person can learn is through a hard and bitter lesson. Each time I think of all that I should do to avenge myself, my chest hurts so bad because it is so abnormal to align each and every thought and action so maliciously, that I start to wonder how others who so naturally do it, can do it so naturally. 

 Seriously. How do you do what you do?

How do you sleep at night?

my heart breaks a little when I hear your name.

This morning, I woke up earlier than normal. I didn't plan on it but after the final susu request from Luqman for the night (circa 4.30 a.m.), I just couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to do some reading. 

When I was taking a breather, I turned to face one of the walls in the bedroom. And I saw a small bag, which carries one of the things I've always loved (which I still very much love) sitting pretty on the shelves. And if you haven't already guessed, that bag contains Theodore. 

I'm not sure how many times Theodore has been mentioned in this blog, but I know it's ALOT (he even has as label of his own here and even then, I've missed some posts). In fact, in my younger years, I always talked about how much I missed Theodore each time I accidentally left him at home or had no choice but not to let him tag along with me to wherever I was going. I talked about Theodore like he was a real person, like a baby, like a best friend. 

However, after having a real baby of my own (which I don't at all regret by the way), I found it increasingly difficult to pay any attention to Theodore at all. It just wasn't possible to carry a 14 kilo baby while also lugging around a DSLR everywhere, no matter how ideal the thought of that situation is. 

I have thought about selling him off before, but I just couldn't bring myself to part with him because he had become such a huge part of me, even when I no longer use him as often as I used to or as often as I'd like. He's one of those things which has made a mark in so many important areas of my life like my relationship and financial independence, for instance...

Plus, there were times when he came in handy, although I've got to admit that the most recent photos I took with Theodore have remained in it, due to it's lack of mobility or rather the lack of space in my bag (as you-know-who has conveniently taken over our lives for good, hehe).

So, with all my reluctance to let it go yet not exactly having enough time and energy to put it to good use, Theodore has been sitting idly on the shelves, where he doesn't belong.  

A few months back, my sister wanted my opinion on which camera she should consider buying in view of her growing projects and without a moment of hesitation, I offered her mine. 

For free.

(yes, isn't she lucky?)

I'm thinking, if I had to give it away/sell it off, it better be passed on to good, loving hands, right?

And I can't think of anyone better than my sister.

And just in case you're wondering why I had to post this... it's just to make things final in writing, so that I don't look back on my decision. Also, I had to get rid of that niggling feeling of sadness each time I think of how underutilised Theodore is (though I know that it's not for long now!) and of how hard I worked to get it. 

For now, I know that this is the best decision for everyone. 

And if Theodore could talk, I bet he is jumping with joy right now, because who wouldn't want to be jet-setting off to different places with Adik on her archi-adventures?

There. I said it.

Now, I can pass Theodore on in peace. I think. 

Ehehe. 

ikan bakar, ikan goreng.

Secara amnya, ikan adalah antara sumber makanan yang paling berkhasiat untuk dimakan. Akan tetapi, khasiat ikan dan kiraan kalori berubah-ubah bergantung kepada cara ia dimasak dan disediakan. 

Jadi, kalau lunch tadi kita dua-dua makan ikan tapi aku makin gemuk dan kau makin slim, berkemungkinan besar kau makan ikan bakar (80 kalori) dan aku makan ikan goreng (111 kalori).

Aku mungkin tanya kau, kenapa kau kurus padahal kita makan benda yang sama. Tapi aku malas nak ambil tahu kiraan ikan goreng dan bila aku dah tahu pun, aku cakap, "hek elek, beza 30 kalori je pun!"

Padahal, kalau nak bakar 111 kalori tadi, aku kena jogging 13 minit (lebih kurang 1 batu atau 1.6 k.m). 

Bila aku dah tahu macam-macam kebaikan pasal ikan bakar, aku tetap nak cuba tegakkan juga fakta bahawa ikan goreng yang aku suka tu lah yang paling baik. 

Antaranya, bila kita goreng ikan, semua tulang, sisip, sisik sekalipun jadi rangup, maka tak perlu kita susah-susah nak kuis ikan tu cari tulang bila nak makan. 

Lagi satu, bila kita boleh makan semua bahagian, dah tentu tak ada pembaziran, kan?

Tak cukup dengan itu, aku cuba burukkan ikan bakar pula- 

Sudahlah lambat nak masak, kos penyediaan tinggi pula; kena balut dengan daun pisang lah, sediakan air asam lah. Lepas tu nak makan kena sibuk kuis-kuis tulang. Kalau sedap tak apa jugak! Dan lagi satu, ikan bakar mahal, okay! Ikan goreng aku berapa sen je, tapi kau? Lunch tadi kau kena bayar berapa?

Sedang sibuk aku kutuk ikan bakar kau, tiba-tiba aku berhenti. 

Kau pun heran, jadi kau mendongak nak pandang aku (tadi kau tunduk je dan aku suka hati sebab rasa macam raja di dunia). Nasib baik kau baik hati pandang kat aku sebab rupanya, ada tulang ikan tersekat kat tekak. Iye, aku yang makan ikan goreng tadi ni punya tekak. 

Kau pun bagi aku air walaupun tadi, aku tak berhenti memekak-mekak. 

Hakikatnya, ikan memang elok untuk kita tapi hakikatnya juga, sesiapa yang makan ikan memang akan ada kemungkinan tercekik tulang. 

Kau goreng ke, kau bakar ke, blend buat laksa johor (330 kalori) ke, kau tetap akan tercekik kalau tak hati-hati bila nak makan.

Dan kalau kau betul-betul pandai, kau akan tahu yang post ini bukan semata-mata pasal ikan dan kalori dalam makanan. 

. 

how my manicure was ruined.

The last time I did my nails was before I got engaged. Yes, sila percaya. After all, I am a very simple person who needs very little or close to no maintenance and I still feel beautiful (ewah). Whether or not I am still beautiful is of course, a different subjective matter altogether. However, this time last week, I wanted only ONE THING as a treat for myself after receiving my confirmation letter (Alhamdulillah!), which is... if you haven't already guessed it, a manicure-pedicure session. 

So, I went to The Nail Parlour to get my nails done and it was 2 days before my husband noticed. Eheh. And that's the story of how I got my manicure done.

I cook dinner almost daily so at the end of the week, I'm really clueless as to what else I should make. Sometimes, I make whatever I feel like eating on that day, sometimes I try out simple experiments and last weekend, I just asked my husband what he wanted. 

And you know what he said? 

Ayam kurma. 

Period. 

I.WAS.SPEECHLESS. 

When people ask me how I manage to cook almost daily, I just smile and tell them that I just do. Today, I'm feeling generous so I'll let you in on a "secret", which is... I just do. Hehe. Okay, I'm joking. I manage because I plan my meals around things like grilled salmon, grilled chicken salad, one pot pastas and other easy peasy one pot meals like stir fried beef with snap peas, for example. These meals need very little effort, use very little oil and they cook real fast. 

And everyone is happy (and healthy).

Our traditional Malaysian cuisines like curry, kurma, ayam masak merah and the likes are without a doubt, delicious and are the truest forms of one pot meals in my opinion, but they take soooo much effort and time and the amount of oil and fat used, gahh!! Plus at the end of the day, I'm not too sure if anybody is too happy about being served with dinner at 9.30 p.m., (banyak betul alasan aku) so I steer clear of these dishes especially on weekdays. 

But on weekends, I have no excuse not to cook it, right? Especially since my husband asked for it?

So, I defrosted some chicken, set aside the ingredients and searched for a simple recipe on the net because frankly, this meal has never really made it to our dining table before... (bahahahah silalah gelakkan saya sebab nak buat kurma pun kena tengok recipe!).

We had late lunch that day. I remember because we were starving and eating like piranhas. So, that night, when I asked my husband whether he still wanted his kurma ayam, he said no and requested something else. Since I had defrosted all the ingredients, I went ahead to prepare the kurma anyway and fixed another simple dinner for the boys. However, I did let them have a little taste of the kurma gravy that night sebab lauk tak berkuah and for that, this is what I get in my inbox the next day- 

So on Monday, both boys walloped the kurma like nobody's business!

And yesterday, knowing well enough that I surely made more than just one batch of kurma (click here if you don't already know of my overcooking habits!), my husband requested for kurma AGAIN and ate plate after plate of rice while si kenit also finished up his meal with much gusto! They may have just been really, really hungry, but aaah, who cares!

After spending so much money and 75 minutes of my life on the whole mani-pedi treatment last week, that's the story of how my manicure was ruined. 

TOTALLY worth it, if you asked me. 

♥