3 January 2023

3/365.

Has it really been that long since I last updated this space? 

Yes, it has. 

Truth is, there are so many unpublished posts in my tray, but I somehow never found the motivation or need to post them. And it's not that I'm silent just in this space here, I can't be found updating much anywhere else either. 

Over the years, I've  discovered that keeping most of my life under covers has helped me stay in my lane. That, plus the fact that people generally ruin beautiful things-- which I definitely could do without. 

But here I am today, simply because it is a nice date. And simply because I wanted to note what a wonderfully fulfilling year 2022 was. 

The biggest highlight of 2022 was that on 4th of July 2022, my husband and I both left for Hajj, Alhamdulillah. 

So technically, this is the 6th month anniversary since. 

Even if it has been 6 months since, I don't think I ever got over missing the whole Hajj experience. I once read a friend's description about seeing the Kaabah for the first time-- and she said that the feeling is not something that can be explained, only experienced. 

And I thought, that that was the most apt description of what I've been feeling about my whole Hajj experience. 

It truly was an exceptionally life-changing time like no other. 

I plan to pen down my experiences in this blog (if time permits) because it was through others' blogs that I learned so many things leading to my Hajj. That, plus I'd like to be able to look back and think of all the wonderful times we had while hoping that others would be able to benefit from them too.

But for now, I think this photo would suffice for now. Rindu. Always.

Mabit in Mudzalifah. 
 

blessings for the introverted soul and a little about loving yourself.

I see alot of people doing their own version of #lockdownchallenge and it's rather entertaining to see how people are trying their best to cope and make things interesting in these trying times. And though I haven't joined in any of these challenges myself, I too cope with being cooped up in my own way. 

By nature, I am (mostly) an introvert, so spending too much time with others (even family) drains my energy. I used to be ashamed to admit this, but now that I've really come to terms with this fact, I'm happy that I've identified one of the main reasons why I always need to retract and recharge and take a breather from things. 

 Be that as it may, my introverted nature has caused me to be extremely reluctant to join in talks or events or greet and meets because I simply don't know what to say and do on such occasions. Small talk really isn't my ball game HAHA, I'm really awkward around people I don't know and even if I go with someone I know, being in these events physically causes me a fair bit of discomfort. Plus, my main aim in joining events or classes is predominantly because I want to learn something new and so mingling and making connections is just... well... an ancillary consequence that I anticipate but don't really care for. Hence, with all of this in mind... I never joined any of the talks I was interested in...

until recently... my other half asked me if I'd like to attend an online talk and the speaker was none other than Mizi Wahid! 

I have all 3 of his books, finished reading 2/3 (stopped mid-way You Are Loved because I started on Secrets of Divine Love and I got hooked hehe), and I have re-read The Art of Letting God again and again. So, anyway, I was just trying to prove my point that I am an avid fan of his works --

OF COURSE I SAID YES WHEN MY HUSBAND ASKED!

And so, we sat there, listening to his one hour talk (+Q&A) and I'm happy to report that I'm such a happy clam! Not only was I able to attend my first talk ever, I was able to achieve the exact thing that I want, which is... more knowledge! Aaaa, days like this are such blessings for an introverted soul such as myself!

...

One of the questions, which was asked during that session is one that I myself have been really interested about, which is --

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-LOVE AND SELFISHNESS.

Where do we draw the line?

Some time in 2018, when I was going through a period of intense personal growth, I actually asked one of colleagues (whom I truly love and respect) -- of whether I should "simply be myself because God made me this way" OR if I needed to change myself so that others are pleased with me.

And her answer then was so simple -- 

"Allah made us all with our own set of characteristics, quirks, weaknesses. But those are only tests for us because no way Allah did Allah mean for us to be of  harm to others. So, if our characteristics, quirks and weaknesses cause harm to others, then, that is the indication that we need to change our ways -- not so they are pleased with us, but so that we stop being a harm to them.".

And that answer has stuck with me since then... and it has made me change some of my ways -- those which I felt were harming others and also those which I felt were self-destructive.

Turns out, Mizi Wahid in his book "You Are Loved" also said --

"Loving yourself does not mean that it gives you the license to push for the right to be accepted even when you display rude, selfish, and obnoxious behaviour.

I had to write about his briefly, as I am seeing more and more such behaviour being displayed, most apparently on social media. I have noticed that in the quest of trying to encourage more voices to be open and heard, and for individuals to be unapologetic for who they are, some have misunderstood the whole point and believe that they no longer have to be nice and courteous to people anymore. And that is just not right."

With that, let us all remember that we were placed on this earth for a purpose and that purpose is never to harm others, or ourselves.

Here's to hoping that today has been a good one, and that it will continue to be great :)

you're simply the best

I had quite a productive morning today and now that my batteries are running a little bit low, I decided that I deserve a break.

I'm thinking of whether or not I should get some coffee, but considering that it might only arrive in 30 minutes at least, I'm contemplating against it. But then again, you know how sometimes you can just taste that something something that you've been craving for as if it's already there in your mouth? Yeah... that's what I'm experiencing right now, so I might as well just get it?

I don't know.

I've lost count of how many weeks it has been -- both the MCO and the number of weeks since my transfer to this new Division (if you hadn't already figured out what I was yapping about in my crazy cryptic 8 Weeks In Post). But due to my productive morning, I have been able to console and convince myself that I am not as much of as a loser as I initially thought I was and that for now, I'm doing my best. 

And sometimes, that's all there is to it.

But what is considered "doing my best?"

Of late, I've had to come face to face with the fact that "my best" may not be up to mark with another person's definition of "the best". Likewise, I may not appreciate someone else's "best efforts" as "the best". And trying to accept the difference in standard requires so much effort. In fact, it sometimes requires too much effort.

I've also noticed that sometimes, when I give "my best", people take me for a ride because they somehow know that I will get things done, even when I didn't have to, even when I say that I don't want to -- simply because I always do. And while I know that somehow or rather, in one way or another, this will work in my favour, I can't help but wonder if that is the reason why I always burn out so fast at work. Like I said in my previous post, I once weathered the challenges at another department in Menara Usahawan despite loathing the subject matter then and look at the great places that that took me! 

But still, I wish I knew how to slow down while at the same time, I wish that I had more tolerance towards the difference in standard of what "the best" should be. Until then, let's just end today on that note because I really didn't mean for this post to be so serious anyway.

things I need to be okay with.

On all the social media platforms in which I have an account, I see too much of everything -- too much negativity, too much positivity, too much hatred, too much love. Just way too much of everything that I don't really want to know --

-- which makes me (unnecessarily) annoyed, especially knowing that the authors of the negative, positive, hate and love posts didn't direct any of their posts towards me.

I know for a fact that it's just me, that I am the problem... that I was the one who had had enough of negativity, positivity,  hatred and love and I need to get away from it all. I was becoming the "evil eye".

Which is why I am here. This is my safe space. 

The relevance of this space may be questionable to the rest of the universe, but for me this space is bliss. I am allowed to show my true colours and upload totally un-Instagrammable content because who's looking this way anyway? Hahaha. 

Well, anyway, now that that is out of my system, I feel so much better. 

Because truth to be told, like I already mentioned earlier last year when the MCO was first implemented, this pandemic will come with its own set of losses. There is absolutely no winning against it -- because whichever way you go, something or someone is bound to lose. What's worse is that this particular cycle/strain/variant brings about with it loss of money and loss of lives. In fact, I personally know of a few people who have lost their loved ones due to the pandemic and I can only start to imagine what that might feel like. 

And while I have (Alhamdulillah) not lost anything too precious that I may never recover from, there are things which I too struggle daily with.

After all, I am only human. And there are time when I feel like way too much positivity kills. Like just because I struggle differently, I don't deserve to struggle? What kind of judgmental world do we live in, really? Yet in the same breath, I simply cannot stand too much of the negativity or self-loathe by others that I see on the daily, which is totally and completely judgmental of me.

To put it simply, I am for want of better word, conflicted. So, so conflicted. 

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

I feel like I'm losing my centre from having to juggle working from home with the kids' online classes and having to plan daily meals on a never-ending basis because on top of living with a super clingy clan, I happen to live with a really hungry one too *insert monologue telling myself to be grateful for family, food and all things good*. 

And while in actuality, for the most part, I am undoubtedly grateful for all that I have, there are just some days when I am... off.

Do you feel me?

Do you understand that this in no way means that I am ungrateful... or that I have all this while been unempathetic towards those who have less than what I have or that I a whiny little **toot**, but it just means that I have my days?

***

And to be honest, I have had the draft above for days now, but somehow, despite feeling like this platform is the safest, I still didn't find the courage to post it -- out of fear that I may seem ungrateful despite seeming to have it all. 

Until I came across this today, and I know that it's okay. That I am okay and I need to first and foremost, be okay with the things which can be equally true.

Eight Weeks In

I constantly remind myself that it is okay, that I will be okay , that it has ONLY been 8 weeks. I have ONLY been here, for 8 weeks -- hence, I need to give myself a break.

I need to learn to forgive my own shortcomings -- for not having the "right" sources and resources (for now at least) because my 8 weeks here can never match my 13 years of sources and resources in my previous work place because it has after all, only been ... you guessed it -- 8 WEEKS.

I also need to remind myself that these feelings that I have aren't peculiar to this situation alone -- that I have, some 8 years ago felt the same way after my transfer to some other new department at Menara Usahawan after having spent 5 years at the Headquarters back then. At the time, I was so "homesick" I even detested the automated flushing system in the restrooms and hated the fact that they didn't provide us with plastic label tags -- like seriously, the littlest things got to me, you have no idea. And this annoyance was so unwarranted because it's not that I was in love with Headquarters or anything of the sort.  

Nonetheless, I didn't give up on myself then -- even when I knew that certain people (the boss back then, no less!) had preconceived ideas about the kind of person that I was -- and had doubts of my ability to work under the circumstances that Menara Usahawan was in at the time. I didn't care and soldiered on. I didn't know anything other than giving my best -- and that's exactly what I did. I gave it my best shot. And believe you me, it totally worked in my favour.  

It not only worked in my favour  in my quest of gaining my Department's trust, I eventually came to love the subject matter I HATED the most prior to me moving to Menara Usahawan. It was a subject matter I had been avoiding for all of my short career back then and my goodness it was so hard to learn but now that I know it, I think it's really hard not to love.  

Which is probably why leaving it all behind is hitting me hard... because when my transfer order came out 8 weeks ago, exhausted and jaded as I was with everything going on, I already had the year planned. Sure, I welcomed the change because it was due... it has, after all been 5 (really long) years! But having left that life behind for 8 weeks now... I can't help but miss it.  

What makes things worst is that MCO is now implemented and we have limited face to face interactions... and so, creating connections over texts and Google Meets just isn't the same, which makes the challenge of acquiring trust become just so much more harder than it should be! 

I'm working so hard to kill the demons inside my head. I tell myself that it is okay. That Allah is giving me a chance to work on myself -- because it is ONLY through an empty vessel that I will start learning new things again. And right now, that's exactly what I am right now -- an empty vessel. An empty vessel that can unlearn all that she had learned before, so that she can relearn all the new things there is to learn.

living with YOU

My thoughts as I drove to work today - is on how I am to adapt to living with this pandemic. Because clearly, it looks like it's here to stay.

I'll be honest that at this point, I have given up on all my 2020 plans. 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that my 2020 did not turn out the way I thought it would be. And that it never will.

Although I didn't exactly have any grand plans for my kids and our family, I now have to settle with the fact that we can't even spend our day-to-day as we knew it. Up until January til the end of February (when the gravity of this pandemic hadn't yet set in), we had gotten into a comfortable rhythm -- we were able to balance between work, kids' after school classes, weekend activities, family visits and everything else in between. 

Then, March came, and totally turned our lives upside down. Though I must say that there are many upsides to being in total lockdown (at least for our family), there have also been moments when our patience and sanity were tested -- especially work-wise, for me --

and those moments have made me realise (even more so) that the challenges I am facing is akin to a huge (HUGE) boulder, which is impossible to push. 

And with that, I (no, wait, actually WE as partners and parents) have learned to manage our expectations better.

...

The above is something that I wrote on 20th October 2020, when PKPB was implemented AGAIN after so many months of some sort of normalcy, and then today 30 days into 2021, I can't believe that not much has changed since.

To be honest, when PKP 2.0 was announced, I was flabbergasted. I simply could not bear the thought of having to go through the entire process of total lockdown again -- ONCE was enough for me... and that is HUGE coming from ME, considering how much of a homebody I am.

I guess the thought of having to manage wayyy too much on my plate really just got to me. I had gone through it before in 2020, where I needed to juggle between work, and kids online classes and keeping my sanity intact... and it really just took a toll on me in a way I never imagined it could. This is me we're talking about -- I've always prided in the fact that I have high pain  thresholds, high patience levels and I could take anything life threw my way, but the many types of movement control orders implemented (and the effects of it that followed) simply just changed me and I am not proud of what I am becoming. 

I used to tell people that we should not let life harden us -- and yet, as life with COVID-19 turned out that way it did, I found out that it was becoming increasingly difficult to follow my own advice -- I had let life harden me, as I hardened my resolve to just keep swimming. 

I may be one of the luckier ones (at least where my pay and livelihood are not so much affected), but I've got to say, that "life with COVID-19" as I know it, has somewhat turned my life upside down and tested me in ways I never thought it would. As I constantly find the best ways to battle with the demons inside my head, I do hope that me and all of you, however you are affected, will come out of this challenge unscathed. 

Until then, may we find the strength in our hearts to take each difficult step in our path, and to place our utmost trust in the Most Loving, Most Merciful -- that He will not put us a situation too difficult for us to bear. 

tell me, will you stay. or will you run away?

This MCO has brought out the best, and worst in all of us.

It has shown us true colours - that of others', and of our own.

It has seen some being frustrated by unmet expectations; some of which were unrealistic to begin with.

It has also seen those unable to meet those (unrealistic) expectations beat themselves up for their failure to live up.

This is a hard time for alot of us, even for some of us (like me) who have found a rhythm they can live with.

Because this MCO has seen some of us being asked to fend for ourselves - for us to think of the best way forward - for us to choose, between important things in our lives, some of which were never on the same pedestal of importance to begin with.

How does one prioritise? How does one choose? How does one drop one thing, and hold on to another, when business is expected to be run as usual, although the circumstances are a far cry from the usual.

Everything seems unusual. And I don't think we'll come out of this the same.

welcome, Ramadan

I make a point to not lose count of how many days we've been at home under the MCO... so, yes, hello there #day38.

What makes #day38 so special is that it also happens to be #day1 of Ramadan, my most favourite time of the year! 

Now that the kids are a little older, and #no1 has started fasting (since 2 years back), I find that Ramadan carries with it a whole new vibe, and it has of course, become alot more meaningful. Days are spent thinking of how to inculcate #no1's understanding of this Holy month, and hopefully as much love for it, as I have. And of course, with my #no1 being ever so helpful with coming up with the daily menu, I now find more reason and joy to cook, to prepare his requests, just to see that beaming million dollar smile on his face.

Alhamdulillah, we are again given the opportunity to meet Ramadan, albeit differently (than what we're used to). While some are used to congregating in mosques, having communal breaking of fasts and shopping at Ramadan Bazaars, making this Ramadan unlike any Ramadan they imagined of -

some... like us, are more than happy to be spending it at home, with our own nucleus family. 

I have nothing against communal events, but I don't really enjoy them mainly because that's just who I am by nature. So, I actually welcome this whole "spending time at home with your loved ones" idea that our PM has been trying to promote, especially during this time of year.

Though I haven't really been grieving about the implementation of the MCO, I think I really have reached that 5th stage of grief, i.e. "acceptance" just like the rest of the Malaysians. My naivete has been taken over by my acceptance that this "catastrophe" is unlike any other -- that it is impossible to eradicate and the numbers alone aren't the only indication of how safe it is out there, and hence, it would be impossible for us to go back to our old ways.

That being said, I have come to the realisation that it would be a while before this MCO will be lifted because the main goal of our country is to save lives... unlike some other countries who have weighed the risks and benefits and have ultimately come to the conclusion that... it is pointless to save lives when the economy is bleeding. Hence, the need to let all economic sectors run as per pre Covid-19 days. 

 But since we're in Malaysia, we have to come to accept that The New Normal is very much real.

And while I know that this phase may not be easy for alot of people, and even a homebody like me would like the option to eat out and shop at a physical store and all of the other simple pleasures in life that we've gotten used to (and probably have more than once in our lives taken for granted), I think that it's best we ride this phase out in compliance with the MCO laws. 

We've got to win this war with the unseen enemy.

And the only weapon we've got right now, is our patience, and faith that these measures that are being taken are really in our best interests. 

Salam Ramadan, everyone.

Please stay safe. 

#day23

It's #day23 of the MCO.

How's everyone doing?

We're doing okay. With erratic bursts of emotions from the kids, and I. And occasionally the dad, I guess that's to be expected. 

The number of #covid19 infections continue to be rather erratic, and judging by how erratic they are, I think that maybe we'll be stuck at home a little while longer than the 14th of April. 

We're actually getting the hang staying at home, to be honest. Plus, I've always been a homebody who'll find an excuse to not go out. So, I can't really say I don't enjoy being home.

But I can't help but wonder about the bigger picture - of the oil prices falling, of the people with day jobs and day wages who were never able make ends meet before; how are they fairing now? Is anyone thinking of taking out to the streets out of desperation? Is someone taking the easy way out by scamming others?

I'm beginning to think that no matter which way we try to fight this, there is bound to be "bloodshed" somewhere. We may win on the one hand, but lose on the other. 

Not very positive-minded, I know. But like I said, I can't really help myself. 

xxx

Well, anyways. Mommies out there feeling like Master Chefs already?

Prior to this period, I've already been cooking/preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner almost daily so... I can't really say that all of this cooking, cleaning, repeat is new for me. I sometimes think that Allah had prepped me for his situation, by continously throwing  curveballs at me, which I've had to overcome, so that this situation would not take me by surprise. Even so, there are some days when I feel totally jaded, and of course, I could (should) work on my patience (with the kids especially) and not raise my voice, especially when it's unnecessary.

Especially during this time when they can't turn to their "safety nets" (i.e. their grandparental units) for extra TLC when Mama turns into Hulk and things gets real ugly. 

Must remind myself that they most definitely aren't the reasons why we're stuck in a lockdown and that no matter how annoyed I get by the sheer amount of times they call my name in a day, it is most definitely better than you not hearing their voices at all (because you know, they may be up to some mischief heheh).

xxx

Speaking of Mommying, I'm missing my mom a tad bit more than usual today.

As I sat outside our home in the wee hours of this morning, watching the beautiful sunrise Allah painted out in the sky for me to see, I wondered of the many times my life has been saved by my mother's prayers.

In fact, just this morning, after I got back in the house after sunrise, I got a phone call telling me that I no longer needed to be present at the meeting that I was supposed to attend later today --

and this came just as I was wondering the wisdom of me having to deal with / attend a meeting which is more than 40 km away from home at a time like this. I mean, I knew from the very beginning that these kinds of sacrifices and risks come with the job and to be very honest, I would really take it up in a heartbeat.

But just this morning - 

I wondered if I would be able to come back safely. 

And I was just about to ask my mom to pray for my safety, especially so that I won't be affected by anyone infected and further (unknowingly) bring back the sickness with me, and infect my loved ones.

And then came the said phone call.

I guess she knew how I felt even without me having to tell her?

Or maybe, this is one of those times that her prayers has saved me from an unknown harm.

Whichever the case may be, let us cherish our parents for all the times their prayers have kept us in the safety of Allah's protection. And may we make du'a for them for all the good that this life and the hereafter may bring.

With that, may today be a better MCO day for all of us.

Day 14 of MCO

Malaysia is currently under partial lockdown, and it's Day 14.

While others are complaining about not going out, and mind you, I'm beginning to feel antsy about this whole thing too, I am first and foremost grateful - grateful that I am home with those who matter most to me. 

Of course, I'd very much like if both our families were nearer, so that we could look out for each other, pass food over the pagar and things like that, but even in this situation, I feel grateful that they are all safe and sound in their own homes, rather than being out there, being exposed to the virus.

The virus is vicious. It is unlike anything that mankind has ever known. It has lead us to lead our lives so differently, which ultimately begs the question of - whether this "changed lifestyle" is the way we should be living our lives, actually?

I don't know, but a huge part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, that's one of the lesson we should learn from this ordeal. 

Though we all know that when this ordeal is over and the world gets back on it's feet - by relearning how to crawl, walk and run again... the world would eventually forget what this ordeal has brought us through and we and the generations to come would get back to our old ways.

After all, old habits die hard.

All seriousness aside, we've had plenty of fun in our home, barring the occasional shouting matches against each other. 

And contrary to popular believe, Public Servants do continue to serve as best as we could during these tough times and I've already been to the office twice during in these 14 days, maintaining a safe distance from everyone and keeping my hands sanitised, always. And other days, I work from home, maybe not as productively as I'd like to  (or rather as I'm used to), but as best as I could do, which I think will have to do for the time being. 

Other than that, we are adjusting well, and we try to keep a positive mindset as much as we possibly can. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's the best that we could do for now.

Alhamdulillah for a smooth 14 days of MCO. Hoping that the next 14 would be without incident, and be the last of it in sha Allah.

today I turn 35

... and I figured that today would be a good time to post something.

*blows dust*

Assalamualaikum dunia. It has been a while, hasn't it?

2020  - the year we have all been waiting for. To be honest, the only thing I remember from when Wawasan 2020 was launched was me calculating the age I'd be at when 2020 finally comes.

Now that 2020 is here, I find myself questioning my achievements thus far. 

"What more can you do, so that your future self will thank you?",

seems to be central to my thoughts today.

And my only conclusion is that I most definitely can do more. 

More of things that make me happy.

More of making myself happy with what I have.

More of making the most of everything.

More of accepting the things that I cannot change.

And with that, I hope, like I do every year, that this year would be better than the year before. 

Happy 35th Birthday, Hanisa.