Eight Weeks In

I constantly remind myself that it is okay, that I will be okay , that it has ONLY been 8 weeks. I have ONLY been here, for 8 weeks -- hence, I need to give myself a break.

I need to learn to forgive my own shortcomings -- for not having the "right" sources and resources (for now at least) because my 8 weeks here can never match my 13 years of sources and resources in my previous work place because it has after all, only been ... you guessed it -- 8 WEEKS.

I also need to remind myself that these feelings that I have aren't peculiar to this situation alone -- that I have, some 8 years ago felt the same way after my transfer to some other new department at Menara Usahawan after having spent 5 years at the Headquarters back then. At the time, I was so "homesick" I even detested the automated flushing system in the restrooms and hated the fact that they didn't provide us with plastic label tags -- like seriously, the littlest things got to me, you have no idea. And this annoyance was so unwarranted because it's not that I was in love with Headquarters or anything of the sort.  

Nonetheless, I didn't give up on myself then -- even when I knew that certain people (the boss back then, no less!) had preconceived ideas about the kind of person that I was -- and had doubts of my ability to work under the circumstances that Menara Usahawan was in at the time. I didn't care and soldiered on. I didn't know anything other than giving my best -- and that's exactly what I did. I gave it my best shot. And believe you me, it totally worked in my favour.  

It not only worked in my favour  in my quest of gaining my Department's trust, I eventually came to love the subject matter I HATED the most prior to me moving to Menara Usahawan. It was a subject matter I had been avoiding for all of my short career back then and my goodness it was so hard to learn but now that I know it, I think it's really hard not to love.  

Which is probably why leaving it all behind is hitting me hard... because when my transfer order came out 8 weeks ago, exhausted and jaded as I was with everything going on, I already had the year planned. Sure, I welcomed the change because it was due... it has, after all been 5 (really long) years! But having left that life behind for 8 weeks now... I can't help but miss it.  

What makes things worst is that MCO is now implemented and we have limited face to face interactions... and so, creating connections over texts and Google Meets just isn't the same, which makes the challenge of acquiring trust become just so much more harder than it should be! 

I'm working so hard to kill the demons inside my head. I tell myself that it is okay. That Allah is giving me a chance to work on myself -- because it is ONLY through an empty vessel that I will start learning new things again. And right now, that's exactly what I am right now -- an empty vessel. An empty vessel that can unlearn all that she had learned before, so that she can relearn all the new things there is to learn.