Eight Weeks In

I constantly remind myself that it is okay, that I will be okay , that it has ONLY been 8 weeks. I have ONLY been here, for 8 weeks -- hence, I need to give myself a break.

I need to learn to forgive my own shortcomings -- for not having the "right" sources and resources (for now at least) because my 8 weeks here can never match my 13 years of sources and resources in my previous work place because it has after all, only been ... you guessed it -- 8 WEEKS.

I also need to remind myself that these feelings that I have aren't peculiar to this situation alone -- that I have, some 8 years ago felt the same way after my transfer to some other new department at Menara Usahawan after having spent 5 years at the Headquarters back then. At the time, I was so "homesick" I even detested the automated flushing system in the restrooms and hated the fact that they didn't provide us with plastic label tags -- like seriously, the littlest things got to me, you have no idea. And this annoyance was so unwarranted because it's not that I was in love with Headquarters or anything of the sort.  

Nonetheless, I didn't give up on myself then -- even when I knew that certain people (the boss back then, no less!) had preconceived ideas about the kind of person that I was -- and had doubts of my ability to work under the circumstances that Menara Usahawan was in at the time. I didn't care and soldiered on. I didn't know anything other than giving my best -- and that's exactly what I did. I gave it my best shot. And believe you me, it totally worked in my favour.  

It not only worked in my favour  in my quest of gaining my Department's trust, I eventually came to love the subject matter I HATED the most prior to me moving to Menara Usahawan. It was a subject matter I had been avoiding for all of my short career back then and my goodness it was so hard to learn but now that I know it, I think it's really hard not to love.  

Which is probably why leaving it all behind is hitting me hard... because when my transfer order came out 8 weeks ago, exhausted and jaded as I was with everything going on, I already had the year planned. Sure, I welcomed the change because it was due... it has, after all been 5 (really long) years! But having left that life behind for 8 weeks now... I can't help but miss it.  

What makes things worst is that MCO is now implemented and we have limited face to face interactions... and so, creating connections over texts and Google Meets just isn't the same, which makes the challenge of acquiring trust become just so much more harder than it should be! 

I'm working so hard to kill the demons inside my head. I tell myself that it is okay. That Allah is giving me a chance to work on myself -- because it is ONLY through an empty vessel that I will start learning new things again. And right now, that's exactly what I am right now -- an empty vessel. An empty vessel that can unlearn all that she had learned before, so that she can relearn all the new things there is to learn.

living with YOU

My thoughts as I drove to work today - is on how I am to adapt to living with this pandemic. Because clearly, it looks like it's here to stay.

I'll be honest that at this point, I have given up on all my 2020 plans. 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that my 2020 did not turn out the way I thought it would be. And that it never will.

Although I didn't exactly have any grand plans for my kids and our family, I now have to settle with the fact that we can't even spend our day-to-day as we knew it. Up until January til the end of February (when the gravity of this pandemic hadn't yet set in), we had gotten into a comfortable rhythm -- we were able to balance between work, kids' after school classes, weekend activities, family visits and everything else in between. 

Then, March came, and totally turned our lives upside down. Though I must say that there are many upsides to being in total lockdown (at least for our family), there have also been moments when our patience and sanity were tested -- especially work-wise, for me --

and those moments have made me realise (even more so) that the challenges I am facing is akin to a huge (HUGE) boulder, which is impossible to push. 

And with that, I (no, wait, actually WE as partners and parents) have learned to manage our expectations better.

...

The above is something that I wrote on 20th October 2020, when PKPB was implemented AGAIN after so many months of some sort of normalcy, and then today 30 days into 2021, I can't believe that not much has changed since.

To be honest, when PKP 2.0 was announced, I was flabbergasted. I simply could not bear the thought of having to go through the entire process of total lockdown again -- ONCE was enough for me... and that is HUGE coming from ME, considering how much of a homebody I am.

I guess the thought of having to manage wayyy too much on my plate really just got to me. I had gone through it before in 2020, where I needed to juggle between work, and kids online classes and keeping my sanity intact... and it really just took a toll on me in a way I never imagined it could. This is me we're talking about -- I've always prided in the fact that I have high pain  thresholds, high patience levels and I could take anything life threw my way, but the many types of movement control orders implemented (and the effects of it that followed) simply just changed me and I am not proud of what I am becoming. 

I used to tell people that we should not let life harden us -- and yet, as life with COVID-19 turned out that way it did, I found out that it was becoming increasingly difficult to follow my own advice -- I had let life harden me, as I hardened my resolve to just keep swimming. 

I may be one of the luckier ones (at least where my pay and livelihood are not so much affected), but I've got to say, that "life with COVID-19" as I know it, has somewhat turned my life upside down and tested me in ways I never thought it would. As I constantly find the best ways to battle with the demons inside my head, I do hope that me and all of you, however you are affected, will come out of this challenge unscathed. 

Until then, may we find the strength in our hearts to take each difficult step in our path, and to place our utmost trust in the Most Loving, Most Merciful -- that He will not put us a situation too difficult for us to bear. 

tell me, will you stay. or will you run away?

This MCO has brought out the best, and worst in all of us.

It has shown us true colours - that of others', and of our own.

It has seen some being frustrated by unmet expectations; some of which were unrealistic to begin with.

It has also seen those unable to meet those (unrealistic) expectations beat themselves up for their failure to live up.

This is a hard time for alot of us, even for some of us (like me) who have found a rhythm they can live with.

Because this MCO has seen some of us being asked to fend for ourselves - for us to think of the best way forward - for us to choose, between important things in our lives, some of which were never on the same pedestal of importance to begin with.

How does one prioritise? How does one choose? How does one drop one thing, and hold on to another, when business is expected to be run as usual, although the circumstances are a far cry from the usual.

Everything seems unusual. And I don't think we'll come out of this the same.

welcome, Ramadan

I make a point to not lose count of how many days we've been at home under the MCO... so, yes, hello there #day38.

What makes #day38 so special is that it also happens to be #day1 of Ramadan, my most favourite time of the year! 

Now that the kids are a little older, and #no1 has started fasting (since 2 years back), I find that Ramadan carries with it a whole new vibe, and it has of course, become alot more meaningful. Days are spent thinking of how to inculcate #no1's understanding of this Holy month, and hopefully as much love for it, as I have. And of course, with my #no1 being ever so helpful with coming up with the daily menu, I now find more reason and joy to cook, to prepare his requests, just to see that beaming million dollar smile on his face.

Alhamdulillah, we are again given the opportunity to meet Ramadan, albeit differently (than what we're used to). While some are used to congregating in mosques, having communal breaking of fasts and shopping at Ramadan Bazaars, making this Ramadan unlike any Ramadan they imagined of -

some... like us, are more than happy to be spending it at home, with our own nucleus family. 

I have nothing against communal events, but I don't really enjoy them mainly because that's just who I am by nature. So, I actually welcome this whole "spending time at home with your loved ones" idea that our PM has been trying to promote, especially during this time of year.

Though I haven't really been grieving about the implementation of the MCO, I think I really have reached that 5th stage of grief, i.e. "acceptance" just like the rest of the Malaysians. My naivete has been taken over by my acceptance that this "catastrophe" is unlike any other -- that it is impossible to eradicate and the numbers alone aren't the only indication of how safe it is out there, and hence, it would be impossible for us to go back to our old ways.

That being said, I have come to the realisation that it would be a while before this MCO will be lifted because the main goal of our country is to save lives... unlike some other countries who have weighed the risks and benefits and have ultimately come to the conclusion that... it is pointless to save lives when the economy is bleeding. Hence, the need to let all economic sectors run as per pre Covid-19 days. 

 But since we're in Malaysia, we have to come to accept that The New Normal is very much real.

And while I know that this phase may not be easy for alot of people, and even a homebody like me would like the option to eat out and shop at a physical store and all of the other simple pleasures in life that we've gotten used to (and probably have more than once in our lives taken for granted), I think that it's best we ride this phase out in compliance with the MCO laws. 

We've got to win this war with the unseen enemy.

And the only weapon we've got right now, is our patience, and faith that these measures that are being taken are really in our best interests. 

Salam Ramadan, everyone.

Please stay safe. 

#day23

It's #day23 of the MCO.

How's everyone doing?

We're doing okay. With erratic bursts of emotions from the kids, and I. And occasionally the dad, I guess that's to be expected. 

The number of #covid19 infections continue to be rather erratic, and judging by how erratic they are, I think that maybe we'll be stuck at home a little while longer than the 14th of April. 

We're actually getting the hang staying at home, to be honest. Plus, I've always been a homebody who'll find an excuse to not go out. So, I can't really say I don't enjoy being home.

But I can't help but wonder about the bigger picture - of the oil prices falling, of the people with day jobs and day wages who were never able make ends meet before; how are they fairing now? Is anyone thinking of taking out to the streets out of desperation? Is someone taking the easy way out by scamming others?

I'm beginning to think that no matter which way we try to fight this, there is bound to be "bloodshed" somewhere. We may win on the one hand, but lose on the other. 

Not very positive-minded, I know. But like I said, I can't really help myself. 

xxx

Well, anyways. Mommies out there feeling like Master Chefs already?

Prior to this period, I've already been cooking/preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner almost daily so... I can't really say that all of this cooking, cleaning, repeat is new for me. I sometimes think that Allah had prepped me for his situation, by continously throwing  curveballs at me, which I've had to overcome, so that this situation would not take me by surprise. Even so, there are some days when I feel totally jaded, and of course, I could (should) work on my patience (with the kids especially) and not raise my voice, especially when it's unnecessary.

Especially during this time when they can't turn to their "safety nets" (i.e. their grandparental units) for extra TLC when Mama turns into Hulk and things gets real ugly. 

Must remind myself that they most definitely aren't the reasons why we're stuck in a lockdown and that no matter how annoyed I get by the sheer amount of times they call my name in a day, it is most definitely better than you not hearing their voices at all (because you know, they may be up to some mischief heheh).

xxx

Speaking of Mommying, I'm missing my mom a tad bit more than usual today.

As I sat outside our home in the wee hours of this morning, watching the beautiful sunrise Allah painted out in the sky for me to see, I wondered of the many times my life has been saved by my mother's prayers.

In fact, just this morning, after I got back in the house after sunrise, I got a phone call telling me that I no longer needed to be present at the meeting that I was supposed to attend later today --

and this came just as I was wondering the wisdom of me having to deal with / attend a meeting which is more than 40 km away from home at a time like this. I mean, I knew from the very beginning that these kinds of sacrifices and risks come with the job and to be very honest, I would really take it up in a heartbeat.

But just this morning - 

I wondered if I would be able to come back safely. 

And I was just about to ask my mom to pray for my safety, especially so that I won't be affected by anyone infected and further (unknowingly) bring back the sickness with me, and infect my loved ones.

And then came the said phone call.

I guess she knew how I felt even without me having to tell her?

Or maybe, this is one of those times that her prayers has saved me from an unknown harm.

Whichever the case may be, let us cherish our parents for all the times their prayers have kept us in the safety of Allah's protection. And may we make du'a for them for all the good that this life and the hereafter may bring.

With that, may today be a better MCO day for all of us.

Day 14 of MCO

Malaysia is currently under partial lockdown, and it's Day 14.

While others are complaining about not going out, and mind you, I'm beginning to feel antsy about this whole thing too, I am first and foremost grateful - grateful that I am home with those who matter most to me. 

Of course, I'd very much like if both our families were nearer, so that we could look out for each other, pass food over the pagar and things like that, but even in this situation, I feel grateful that they are all safe and sound in their own homes, rather than being out there, being exposed to the virus.

The virus is vicious. It is unlike anything that mankind has ever known. It has lead us to lead our lives so differently, which ultimately begs the question of - whether this "changed lifestyle" is the way we should be living our lives, actually?

I don't know, but a huge part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, that's one of the lesson we should learn from this ordeal. 

Though we all know that when this ordeal is over and the world gets back on it's feet - by relearning how to crawl, walk and run again... the world would eventually forget what this ordeal has brought us through and we and the generations to come would get back to our old ways.

After all, old habits die hard.

All seriousness aside, we've had plenty of fun in our home, barring the occasional shouting matches against each other. 

And contrary to popular believe, Public Servants do continue to serve as best as we could during these tough times and I've already been to the office twice during in these 14 days, maintaining a safe distance from everyone and keeping my hands sanitised, always. And other days, I work from home, maybe not as productively as I'd like to  (or rather as I'm used to), but as best as I could do, which I think will have to do for the time being. 

Other than that, we are adjusting well, and we try to keep a positive mindset as much as we possibly can. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's the best that we could do for now.

Alhamdulillah for a smooth 14 days of MCO. Hoping that the next 14 would be without incident, and be the last of it in sha Allah.

today I turn 35

... and I figured that today would be a good time to post something.

*blows dust*

Assalamualaikum dunia. It has been a while, hasn't it?

2020  - the year we have all been waiting for. To be honest, the only thing I remember from when Wawasan 2020 was launched was me calculating the age I'd be at when 2020 finally comes.

Now that 2020 is here, I find myself questioning my achievements thus far. 

"What more can you do, so that your future self will thank you?",

seems to be central to my thoughts today.

And my only conclusion is that I most definitely can do more. 

More of things that make me happy.

More of making myself happy with what I have.

More of making the most of everything.

More of accepting the things that I cannot change.

And with that, I hope, like I do every year, that this year would be better than the year before. 

Happy 35th Birthday, Hanisa.

Happy Humpday

Throughout the whole journey to work today, I vowed to make today a better day.

So, the moment I arrived at my work station, I slapped on some lipstick just so I look a little better. And I decided -- that this little space of mine deserves some TLC -- and today, I decided that I deserve this *teenytiny* short break because it has been a rather long month or two or three (hehe) for me.

Truth is, despite my silence, I have been around, drafting drafts which never get posted, and thinking thoughts that never get written... or spoken. Most days on this page involves me simply staring at the blinking cursor, thinking about where or how to begin --  or if I even should. And obviously, that has resulted in the super long hiatus.

My days and months away have actually been more eventful than you think. 

In fact, I'd say that this year has been a year of major adjustments for me and my family.

I "suddenly" have a "baby" who turned 7 this year and all of a sudden, we've had to deal with early morning school runs, parent-teacher meets, homework, mathematics (like OMG!), lost water bottles and all the normal and not so normal school boy problems. And I find that my love for him grows along with his growth, and each day, I see how well he has blossomed and can't help but feel a sense of pride over how far he has come. 

On the other hand, my other "baby" whose birth story I never got to write, is also not a baby anymore as she turned 3 in April. Each day with her is a new challenge, as she constantly pushes my buttons in the most passive aggressive ways we can possibly think of! She really is a ball of fire and ice all in one and one can move from the feeling of adoration to annoyance towards her in a matter of seconds! She really is a force to be reckoned with and she totally puts me back in the position of a "first time mom" all over again because with her, I can never be too sure that she's BabyCentre material (^.^''). Be that as it may, I thank Allah everyday for putting her into our lives, for she really is a ray of sunshine on all our rainy days. 

Speaking of being a mom of two, I have actually come to the realisation that I never really figured it out. What I did was to simply do the best that I could, in the way I thought was best. And in all honesty, doing things according to my own ideals have helped me become less hard on myself and gives me a chance to love my kids as they are rather than hoping that they'd conform to society's standard of what a "good kid" should be.

Apart from the our little (mis)adventures at home, life at work has also been somewhat overwhelming, for want of better word.

People oftentime think that all Public Servants are... well, the typical Public Servants, and though I used to, with all my might, fight to rebut the general perception of me... of us, these days, I just let them be. 

Like seriously, if I could flaunt all of the work that I do and shout from the rooftops about how awesome most of my smart and hardworking colleagues are, I would. Okay I lie, it's totally against my principles to go all gebang about all the good things that we do, but that's besides the point. The point is that my absence from this space for months on end in itself should serve as a proof of how I really haven't had the time nor energy for anything other than work and family. Heck, I started this post so early in the morning, like the moment I arrived and only get to post this 4 hours after! 

Post-GE14 has been particularly challenging as we all try to maneuver our way through uncharted territories. On top of that, now that I'm at this stage of my career (11 years in Service, you do the math), I have suddenly become wayy more "enlightened" about how office politics makes the world go round. And quite frankly, the game of politics (and backbiting) doesn't suit me well at all, having been a staunch believer that (real) talent should consist of both elements i.e. your brain AND how you make people feel. But from the looks of it right now, it seems to me that "how you make people feel" definitely gets the centre stage where certain things are concerned, leaving us absolutely no choice -- 

we either jump on the "feel good" bandwagon or fight the temptation and keep believing that someday, someone out there will recongnise "your brain" as real talent.

And though I admit that it is at times disheartening to know how misinterpreted real talent is, I guess I'd stick to the latter any time, just so my conscience is clear -- and so I can sleep peacefully at night.

And on that note, after yearss of Service, I have made a decision, to try as much as I possibly can to strike a work-personal life balance. 

But you know what, I really, really have to run, so more on that some time later? 

(by now you'd know "later" probably means in another quarter heeeheee)

2018 - the year of (intense) personal growth.

It does seem a little late for a 2018 recap, don't you think?

But considering what a nice date today is, I figured that it would be a good time to restart blogging (even if with just one post hehe). Because to be really honest, I have missed blogging so very badly.

Months have passed since my last post and to be honest, it was right after that post that the doors of countless opportunities were opened to me. I don't know how else to express my amazement, but masya Allah, the power of doa and a hopeful, wondering heart, has on countless occasions, proven to do wonders to my soul.

2018 has proven to be a year of intense growth for me, personally. 2018 saw me going through so much, and much of which were things I never quite imagined I would ever have to go through. I received alot of blessings yes, but 2018 also brought about with it so many tears and neverending, burning questions of what the future holds. I learned that with hardship comes ease. I also learned how important it was to always remember Allah, even in times of happiness. Especially in times of happiness. Because it's when we are (too) happy that we tend to forget who our hearts really belong to - and that He, is the turner of hearts. That He too, is the best of planners, even when it doesn't seem like so at the time.

There were times when I felt like I have been stretched thin in all directions (tapi perut tak kurus juga haha), and there were times when I questioned the fruitfulness of my efforts and whether my prayers have gone unheard, thinking that they have fallen on deaf ears... only to realise that my efforts and prayers have been answered in a different form from what I had expected.

So yes, 2018 definitely saw me growing bounds and leaps.

Most definitely, 2018 has made me grateful for all the little things.

And because of that, I have made 2019 the year of all the little things.

It has been said that in order to find balance, we need to keep on moving, which is exactly what I'm doing right now - which is to move on with life.

And in order to move on with life being genuinely happy, we need to realise that as much as the big moments count, the little blessings make up a huge part of our lives too. We need to train ourselves to see the good in most things, if not all. And no matter how hypocritical being kind or being nice to others may seem (at least at first), once kindness becomes a habit, it'll be hard to kick.

So, 2019, although I'm really late in letting you in, WELCOME.

Let's continue to count all the little blessings life has showered us with and be mindful that life may not always turn out the way we planned, but perhaps only for the best.

p.s.: I'm okay. I really am :) ♥

100 days til the end of the year

... and this seemed apt -

"When it's your turn, it doesn't matter if you're at the back of the line. God will move you to the front.".

Because the truth is that Allah is the only branch, which you hold on to, that will never break.

And when you take care of the things you NEED to take care of lillahita'ala, everything else will fall into place. You just have to TRUST that some things are beyond your control and beyond the control of those around you as well, and that everything and everyone is at the time and place they are meant to be at.

March(ing) On.

Fabulous February done and dusted and it was indeed 28 of the happiest (albeit busiest!) days I've had so far. 

I say busiest because apart from the happy days, I literally worked and worked and worked for all 20 working days, never leaving the office any earlier than 6.00 p.m. and even continued working on some weekends. I can't even explain how exhausting it got on some days but... it was all worth it in the end because The Team managed to submit the matter we were working on just as February was closing its doors!

The satisfaction I felt was just phenomenal... I can't even begin to explain how that feels!

With that, I decided that no matter how difficult these coming months will be, I shall continue marching on, pun intended (HAHA)

...

And that Ladies and Gents is the post I started writing on 1.3.2018 which I have yet to complete until today. 14 days into March and I really have been marching on, sticking true to my word.

But if I could be a little honest here, I'm starting to feel the heat of all my fervent.

Though marching on has indeed been a good game plan going forward, I do also think that I deserve a little pause; some sort of break if you like... just so I'm able to regain my strength and renew my spirits.

And though I have yet to figure out just what I'm going to do to avoid getting jaded (like I did before)... I know for a fact that sooner or later, I must do something about this situation I am in because like it or not, I need to continue marching on, like I said I would --

-- only this time, I've learned my lesson to not be too hard on myself.

I know I can do this, so next half of March, bring it on!