snug.

"Akak dah tembam kan", said my brother who I just met last week. 

Probably not the best thing to hear after not seeing him for a while, but it was probably what I needed to hear?

Adamant that he was wrong, I told him of my new routine of climbing up and down the stairs at work daily and how my diet hasn't changed at all i.e. I am not eating more than I used to and that I drink loads of water and that I don't snack at all. 

Nonchalantly, the just told me that it's probably no longer enough. Period. 

*Sigh*

Brothers can be so brutally honest, right?

Still a little shocked (well, not really) and in denial (mostly) I turned to my husband for support. And I know because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, he was really diplomatic about it, all the while telling me that he didn't see the "slight" weight gain as a problem at all. And to prove that I was just drowning in my own paranoia, he told me to take the weighing scale out. He stepped on it first to make sure that it was working i.e. his weight was correct, and then came my turn. 

The weighing scale no longer showed the figures 51. It showed more than 51. And since there are 2 weighing scales in my parents' house, it showed more than 51, TWICE.

"That's not so bad!", says my husband (a little too) jovially. 

Well, if it were 51.5, I would still be okay (I think) but you can probably guess by now that it's way way way more than 51 right?

So, that day was spent in alot of confusion. 

Like, seriously. 

I suggested to my brother that all that weight was probably from the muscle I was building from climbing up and down the stairs. He dismissed it as being bollocks! He just simply said that the climbing is just not enough. Not anymore. 

xxx

I know for a fact that the struggle is different for every person. And my struggle is that I have never had a problem with eating whatever I liked as long as I drank enough water daily and as long as I didn't snack, which really isn't a problem for me at all.

 But lately... I've noticed that no matter what I did... everything I put on feels a little snug. Tummy, arm, hips, butt (basically sounds like everywhere right?) and I don't know why. Well, okay maybe one of the main reasons is that I'm in the process of weaning Luqman of the B so his consumption is less... but this weight gain is really rapid, especially after I reached 51 the other day. 

And regarding exercise, I know for a fact that the thing that works best for me is actually brisk walking, but hello, let's get real here... unless I have a maid to pick up after me and complete all the housework while I'm away, I will most probably never get the time to work out. Like seriously.

When I get back from work, I take out the food I defrosted earlier for dinner. Meanwhile, I put in a batch of laundry in the machine while cooking dinner. And then, I serve dinner and later wash the dishes and clean the table and clean the kitchen. And then, I pray and I put the kettle on. And then I iron our clothes for work and pack Luqman's school bag. And then, the washing machine beeps and I hang the laundry. And then, I soak Luqman's clothes and wash his bottles. If I'm lucky, I'll get to bathe, if not, Luqman would already be hanging by my feet asking me to play with him, which I normally oblige. And he would play and play and play until his eyes cannot take it anymore (usually around 11 p.m.) and he would want his milk. And he would want me to be right there with him. Sometimes I would fall asleep with him and awaken in the middle of the night to perform my prayers. I used to be able to stay up right until morning, but my body can no longer take it so after that I sleep until Luqman wakes up again for his next round of milk, which is normally not long after. And then my day repeats. 

Oh, no, I digress. But seriously, after reading all of that, can you see me slotting in brisk walking anywhere? Nowhere?

  xxx

Because of that, I tried searching for alternative work-out ideas that might work for full time working mothers and wives like myself. I had to make sure that I got more exercise, in whatever way possible. People say that you've got to find the time, right?

And that's when I came across Freeletics Malaysia (on Instagram). 

They have this program (previously free) where they would suggest an exercise routine daily which you have to complete under a certain number of minutes. Since they also suggested a routine for beginners (I assume like myself), I decided to give it a try. 

75 jumping jacks (sounds like aerobics hari sukan to me!)

30 squats (berak pun squat kan, how hard can it be??)

30 burpees (burpees sound so cute!)

30 seconds planking (30 seconds je kecoh?)

I basically spoke too soon. I'm definitely not even a beginner!!! Definitely below par!

After I tried all of the above, not at all minding the time (except for the planking part), my body basically got a shock of it's life! Jumping jacks are no longer fun, I never knew how crazy difficult doing squats can be, there's nothing cute about burpees and those were most probably the longest 30 seconds of my life!

I didn't continue with the other routines for the days after that because my whole body ached so badly and I was suffering heartburn and was constantly gassy. I even thought I was pregnant! Yes, that's how badly I was affected and how unfit my body really, actually is!

I know I shouldn't give up just yet, but don't you think it's just too extreme for me to jump into the whole thing when I am getting zilch nada zero exercise right now? I think if I am currently exercising (even just a little bit), those routines wouldn't have been so difficult for me. I wish I could figure out a way to just slot in brisk walking somewhere in that tight schedule because I've tried my best to walk to everywhere; bank, shop, everywhere, but nothing seems to work!

Unless this means I'll be seeing double bars when my Ms P is due at the end of this month? (don't think so)...

But until then... I'm seriously bummed as to what I should do. 

Sincerely, Confused Ms Snug (size) 8.

p.s.: my journey will now be under a new label linked here!

the one with the flying trains.

It's been a while since I last posted anything about Luqman, hasn't it? I've been complaining about work and weight gain and all things else, it almost seems like I've "lost touch" where being a mother is concerned. Or have I?

Truth is... of course I haven't! That's the most absurd thought! But honestly, after he hit the 18-month mark, it has been a little bit difficult to keep up with his developments to the T because he has become so (pleasantly) unpredictable! Hence, I took every day as it came and posted his daily antics on Instagram since he has so many aunties there who continuously wonder what he's up to. And since they were so kind to me throughout my pregnancy and beyond, I feel like I owe it to them :)

But I think this story is one that's worth telling.

Yesterday evening, when we got home, Luqman wouldn't let me do anything else apart from playing with him. After how he spent the weekends getting abundance of extra attention from his paternal grandparents and his uncles and aunty, I kind of anticipated that he would expect me to keep up the (attention) momentum. 

Since we're on some sort of a "TV-fast" at the moment, I decided that the best thing to do was to just entertain him because a happy baby makes a mommy happy, yes?

So we played. He has a set of favourite things that he cannot do without, some of which are his trains and cars, so we sat down and imagined that the trains were going through Daddy Mountain (basically my husband was forced to lie down sideways while we used his body as a track) where they would then take off and fly into the air onto Black Baby Mountain (our black sofabed) and from thereon they would chase the Baby (Luqman) who had to run away from those flying trains and the cars who were also ganging up against Baby. So he had to be fast to avoid being hit by them. 

(hahahahah insert amused icon) 

I felt like that that was the silliest story I have ever made up but you should have seen how frantic Luqman was, running away from the "flying" trains and the cars that were "chasing" him. Hahahah.

After such an fruitful playtime session, he slept like a log (expected) and I too, slept like a log. 

It was about 4.30 a.m. when I noticed him stirring in his sleep. He turned towards me and landed his palms on my cheeks and he then started touching my nose. I saw him peering through slit eyes to make sure that it was really me. And then he started laughing! It wasn't the scary kind of laugh, it was the kind of laugh he'd give every time he was thoroughly enjoying himself. And because I didn't know how to react... I laughed along with him!

from Pinterest.

HAHAHAHAHA, seriously the things that mothers do!

After all that laughing, he told me he wanted some milk so, I told him to wait while I made some for him. 

When I came back, I laid beside him while he finished his milk and as I was about to slip away from him (I no longer felt like sleeping), he turned towards me and plopped his right leg over my body. The more I inched away, the closer to me he came. And again, he would peer through slit eyes to confirm that I was still there with him.

xxx

I admit that I sometimes get a little frustrated with how clingy he is, especially with me. While he would let his Daddy read or do work in peace, with me it's a different scenario altogether. Mama only breathes and lives for Luqman (which really, isn't that far from the truth). But just like other women, I like my moment of solitude; the occasional uninterrupted bath time, some time to read books, going online on the laptop at home, you know... the likes... and having a clingy child limits you from doing those things. 

But I guess nothing can beat the feeling of having someone love you so boundlessly, right? I constantly remind myself that this phase shall pass and in time... I'm going to miss this constant neediness. I'm going to miss him calling me "Mama" in that particular tone when he wants something from me and that although he's all bright and smart (I'm naturally biased), he really is... very, very little. And most importantly, I was the one who decided on having him by choice (and of course with Allah's will), so why should he suffer my impatience and my selfish needs?

xxx

With him being 26 months now, every day is a new adventure for us. Every day is a learning process, not just for him, but also for me. Like I said, I take every day as it comes. Because with everything happening around us in the world right now, I don't know if today would be my last day, or his.

Cherish the love we have. We should cherish the life we live.

Especially the one with the flying trains ;)

beyond content.

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm just beyond content.

It's like nothing can really make me any more happier than I already am.

Well, okay, no doubt I have my crazy cravings for handbags, yes, crazy because I want 3 different colours of the same style and type, just the thought of owning more clothes makes me high and I love good food, but at the end of it all, I'm really happy as-is, even in the absence of those things.

Life, at the moment, is just really wonderful.

And it's at times like these that I find a void in my brain; I'm supposedly happy, supposedly grateful and supposedly ecstatic with the way things are turning out with my life (which in all honesty, I really am!), yet for some inexplicable reason, I can't seem to appropriately express my happiness (in words) without it coming across as me being indifferent or nonchalant or totally opposite to what I am feeling. 

While I have absolutely no problem pouring words out of frustration, happiness seems to have the opposite effect on me, which is fine because this isn't exactly new to me as I've always been this way, but it is still just as frustrating considering how happy I really am!

Gah, isn't it ironic that my happiness is making me annoyed? Faham tak ketidak logikan fikiran ini???

Well, whatever the case may be, I'm going to continue with this post, so you'll have to excuse me if I seem a little peeved (in my post) despite my (actual) happiness.

xxx

We're already half way through the year 2014.

And I guess it's just one of those days where I feel like there's a need to do a "semakan semula sasaran" for all the things I had aimed for myself earlier this year (excuse all of my work terms being brought into my posts, I pretty much breathe, eat, sleep them, so yeah).

Have I achieved what I had set for myself this year? Did this year turn out as I thought it would? 

Well, yes and no, I guess. But in a good kind of yes and no. 

I entered this year having only one simple resolution, which to be responsible for my own happiness, which I think many would think to be absolutely silly because how can you aim for something which should come naturally for every person?

Well, I thought so too in the beginning, but believe you me, happiness is actually a force to be reckoned with. I mean, take this post for example; didn't I say that I was am happy and yet, I still have problems showing gratitude for it? Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to change about this year.

 And through the 100happydays challenge I signed up for (which I successfully completed on my Instagram *bow bow*!), I was able to achieve at least 85% of the happiness level I had aimed for this year and I think that's pretty amazing, considering the fact that it's only June!

What's even more amazing is that my happy spirit seems to have trickled down to all other aspects in my life in a way I never thought it would.

xxx

So, question is, did I do anything differently this year to achieve that one thing I aimed for earlier?

Oh yes, of course I did.

I had to change many innate characteristics in me; things that I thought were naturally me, so they should not and could not be changed, which apparently should and could be changed.

I also managed to identify one of the things that made me most worried i.e. money and made a pact with my husband to not splurge unnecessarily on each other be it for our anniversary or birthdays and even for our son's birthday and I had a huge reawakening from sticking to that pact - it was definitely an eye opener which changed the dynamics of our family, which in turn, has made us really, really happy.

This year, I also revived the inner "kiasu" in me. For a while, it took a backseat until I recently suddenly realised what an idiot I was to let all those missed opportunities pass me by. I got up from the dream that things will eventually fall into place naturally because let's face it; you don't expect something to just happen, you have to make it happen.

And based on that premise, I became the go-getter I once was; I went out to get the things I wanted, I worked on them and prayed that they would turn out as well as I had hoped for or better, I took my head out of the sandbox and then I faced my fears. Turns out that those fears were mere games my mind played on me, which makes them totally and completely baseless!

Which brings me to the next thing I did this year; which is to realise the true potential of the brain that Allah has given me. My modus operandi so far has been to look at things "mind over matter". Anything the brain can think it, the body can do. And so, I have pushed through each and every day and found that there's always time and energy for everything, if you put your mind to it.

xxx

Having said all that, is there a downside to being all... positive?

Well, of course.

 The downside of being all positive is that you forget that there's only so much your body (and even mind!) can take. 

With every happiness I was blessed with, I was equally tested. There are times like yesterday when I just fell really sick without a reason and there are times like today when I feel so overwhelmed to the point that I just don't know what to feel anymore, that make me realise that it's either time to stop or slow down because Allah will not give you what you cannot handle, so you must be sure to never bite off more than you can chew. 

xxx

Be that as it may, if I had a favourite year to pick apart from the the year when I turned 22 (which was 7 years ago), this year (so far) would be it.

And yes, that's how good this year has been to me.

So, Alhamdulillah. Let's hope the next half of 2014 will be as equally happy, exciting and blessed. Amin to that!

what happens when I reach 51.

I've been harping on and on and on about wanting to buy a treadmill since early this year and my husband has been kind enough to look up on a few options so that we could make an informed purchase. 

Lucky for us, one of our friends was thinking of selling off his, so we were able to query more about the product; its performance and functions and price and all. 

When we came to the question of why our friend was selling it off... he said,

"Tak dan nak lari..."

And when I heard that, I was like... "and my working hours are longer than yours, so makes me think I'd make it home on time for a run on the treadmill?"

So, Treadmill Plan Abort lah jawabnya. 

xxx

BUT, having said that, I didn't abort my Healthy 2014 Plan, though ironically, my lifestyle is becoming more and more unhealthy. Bangun, tidur, sit all day at work, go home, do chores at home then sleep. And suddenly, my weight reached 51kgs and we all know what happens when it reaches 51... it won't go down!!! Oh my, oh my, what have I done??? Why did I allow my weight to reach 51!!!

At the rate I'm going, I'm so afraid I might have to spend my retirement in pain (touchwood!) and knowing how much I would hate that, I knew I had to take things into my own hands... or rather... feet. 

Introducing you to my "treadmill" -

7 floors of staircases from basement up daily. Not sure whether it has gotten easier or whether I've gotten better at it, but I look forward to this everyday now! *flips tudung!*

And this, my fellow staircasians, is a pitstop, which is not surprising since this building goes 15 floors up (minus the basement). BYO (drink of choice), though. Don' t take my word for it though, because people actually use this as a smoking bay, so you might just die from being a secondary smoker while trying to get healthy. I may have to buy a new "treadmill" because of this... *sigh*

And did you see my exercise gear; aren't those "sport shoes" the prettiest! Miahahahaha!

Speaking of which... when did sport shoes become so very expensive? When? Why? How? What happened??? I know that I've been a little bit out of touch from the "sporty" world, but just about 3 years ago, I still managed to bag a pair of Topper futsal shoes for RM100 and Nike running shoes for RM150. Now, they're selling for RM500! Who buys them anymore??? Okay, maybe you do since you're not so cheapskate like me but putting RM500 worth on your feet... all my hard earned money... Sigh. 

But anyways, since I started my "treadmill" journey, I find myself being happier and feeling a whole load better about myself. I was an athlete in school so having baggage all around my midriff, thighs and everywhere else is new to me, so please forgive my obsession. But if you're at that stage in your life where you feel like there's nothing that can make you happy anymore, I recommend you to try exercising, I am serious. Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make us happy. 

The only thing not really making me happy is that... I'm still at 51! And I think right now, I may have to figure out which part I literally need to carve out.

But meanwhile, nah, happy face setelah berjaya menawan Tingkat 4 Menara Usahawan! Hurrah!

the cat in the aquarium.

Don't you think that it's annoying when some thoughts continue to niggle in your head and no matter how much you try to push it aside, it adamantly stays and continues to niggle in your head until you tell someone... or rather, write about it. AND the best part is that these kind of thoughts almost always crop up at a time when you're supposed to be doing something else, which is really more important and urgent, and yet, you can't get past it, until you get those niggling thoughts out of your head. 

Isn't it annoying, don't you think?

xxx

Today's that day. 

I have this "not run of the mill" kind of opinion which I need to research on, draft and submit at least by the end of this week (which is in 2 days!) and I've already been researching since last week. I more or less have some kind of idea on how I'm going to approach it and today's supposed to be THE DAY I start drafting it based on my findings, but as you can see... here I am, having this incessant need to get some things out of my system.

Else, I think I'd go insane, I'm serious. 

xxx

Some time last week, I came across an article about "cat in the aquarium vs. cat on the streets". I can't remember who wrote it, but it was on Facebook, so in retrospect I'm not really sure now whether it was really an article or just one of those "what's on your mind" kind of things.

After reading that "article", I don't know why I felt like saying something; not in defense, not in retaliation, not in anger but rather in a way which would (I hope) make people understand that each individual comes with their own set of skills (whatever that may be) and that even if other people thought you're better suited for another "calling", only you can determine if it's true. 

xxx

In gist, the story of the cat in the aquarium goes, 

"The cat in the aquarium gets fed on time, gets bathed on time, gets all the basic necessities that cats need, but the cat is in the aquarium, which if one thinks of really deeply, is not where cats really belong. On the other hand, the cat on the streets have to fight for territory, fight for food and fight for their basic needs but the cat on the street is on the streets, free to determine where it wants to go and how it should live... as it should be."

Do you understand the metaphor? And what the "author" was trying to get at? 

If you don't, then, I suggest you to not continue reading, because you, my friend, are a little bit lost (at least in this case).

The moment I finished reading that article, I admit that I, for a fleeting moment, felt little bit offended. Just a little bit. I wanted to comment on it, but knowing that that in itself would not satiate me of my need to say something, I decided that my comment was blog-worthy. So here I am.

xxx

I admit that cats don't belong in aquariums. No doubt about that. But I also think that that was too extreme an example to prove that those who work for others for a living are drowning in a place they do not belong. Cats, no doubt, don't swim. Not like fish do. But I always believe that cats, like all of us, can be taught to do something that they don't naturally do, in order to survive. 

Yes, I work for "someone" for a living and if you think about it really, really hard, I actually work for you. Yes, you, you and you, the public. You may think that public servants are a million little bad things and that we have no good in us, but you've probably never met me in a meeting involving public funds, and public rights and lands belonging to the Federation. 

You may think that I have the worst job in the world because I have no motivation to continuously strive for more and that I never think about how to improve myself or increase myself in knowledge since I work for someone else, so what's the point in that anyway... and I don't blame you because you probably don't know me at all. 

You may think I am drowning, but honey, do you really know?

xxx

I am a public servant by choice, just as some people who are working in corporations, and in companies, and just as you are on the streets, which I assume is also by choice. We all made the decision to be where we are today with (I assume) an open mind and an open heart and with eyes wide open and trust me, despite what you think about me and the other people working for other people, we, the cats in the aquarium are pretty content with our lives, thank you very much.

Newsflash! There's no easy job in this world, trust me. People say that being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world, but after having gone through 3 months of maternity leave, I can't say I agree. People say that doing business is the best way to get rich, but I've done small businesses before and I for one know that the initial weeks, months and sometimes years into the business are the hardest, especially if you have a shoestring budget. And that was just me selling phone credit and cookies. People can tell me a million times that working for themselves is the best thing in the world; they get to go to work at 10 a.m., they get to choose whether or not to actually get up, they get to determine their own time and where to go and who to meet and when and how, and much as I am convinced that that's the truth, we all know that when you work for yourself, time is money and each hour you spend lounging in bed or aimlessly surfing the internet, not actually finding business opportunities and not having the necessary willpower, tenacity and gut to keep on going with the business means that no money will be coming into your account. So, if you're not up for the challenge and don't have a trust fund in your name with millions in it, you can imagine how long you're going to take to recoup your already non-existent money.

 But I admit that life working for other people isn't exactly a walk in the park and far from being glamorous, no doubt about that. I have my moments of frustration, I have moments when I'm just so lazy to even get out of bed to head to the office, I have had moments when I feel like an undeserving colleague shouldn't have been promoted along with me because I feel like I've worked so much harder and that I deserve preferential treatment for it, I have moments when I just feel like flipping the table when I get it from my bosses, but believe you me, I have my happy moments as well. I have the opportunity to learn a million different things daily, I get motivated to learn more even when I get something wrong because there are people willing to teach me the right way and best of all, I have a constant payslip which makes it pretty easy to get a housing loan, among other things. May not sound very inspiring or interesting or challenging in the eyes of the street cat, but I don't have a trust fund in my name with millions in it, so a girl's got to do what she's got to do. Always remember that most of the important (and basic) things in life require money. Constant money. And constant is my choice.

xxx

From my general observations, people often like to paint a glamorous picture of their lives. Don't know whether it's more for show or more for their own self conviction.

For women it's all about the handbags and "abundance" of time for their children. For men, it's all about their ability to determine their own way and not having to subject themselves to some other big guy's directions or decisions; in a nutshell, it's all (always) about their ego. And I admit that working for yourself gives you an unmatched satisfaction, gives you freedom to determine exactly how you want things to go and how things will get done, but working for other people has its perks too.

Thing is, the hard truth is, whether you work for other people or work for yourselves, you have to toe the line. It doesn't matter which line; but there's always one you need to follow. Be it for funding purposes, lobbying purposes, business opportunity purposes, getting approval purposes, trust purposes. 

The very least is you've got to follow the law (commercial, contract, personal data protection, online banking) and that my friend, is also known as a line. In some way or another, you are bound to be subjected to some other big guys' rules. True story.

xxx

I've so much more to say, but I think I've already lost most, if not all of my readers by now.

In a nutshell, we all think that working for ourselves is the best thing to do, but are we really up for it? Do we have to make an informed decision or can we just dive into it head first? Will passion be enough? Seriously, if you don't want to take it from me, take it from Malaysia's sweetheart Vivy, who I think aptly summarised the point I'm trying to make -  

"I think most of my friends and I are at that stage where we’re trying to find careers that make money, not something that make our eyes bright up. Most of us probably don’t even know what our passions are yet.

I think when we want to start a business out of passion, we have to use our heads. Life is about happiness but also about survival; to survive in this world you need money.  So we can’t be happy creating a passion business that doesn’t make money. It’s like falling in love. Yes, love is dandy but it alone won’t pay the bills or feed the family."

And if you're working for someone else, is it really that bad or are you just jealous that some of our other feline friends are able to roam the malls on weekdays during office hours while we toil and type and work our butts off in the office? Seriously, is it really that uninteresting and boring to be getting a paycheck at the end of the month and to be given recognition for helping an organisation grow? Seriously, think!

xxx

I think we all have a place in this world; some people can work for themselves because they have the discipline, passion, money, contacts and skill to do so.

Some people are better off working for other people because we work better with people even if it meant that we would be making money for and together with others.

Like my mom always said, "Some people lead and some people follow; and people lead and follow in different shows. Sometimes other people are better in other things that we were never even good at. And yes, we can be good at everything, but we must never be greedy. Be thankful, be honest, be hardworking. Things will just fall into place."

And like my dad always says, "Rezeki itu datang dalam pelbagai bentuk. Bukan saja duit yang banyak, tapi hati yang senang, kesihatan yang baik, dan semuanya cukup. Kalau dah ada semua, jangan lupa bersyukur."

xxx

So, yes, some cats don't mind it in the aquarium; some cats like it better in the streets.

To each their own.

80+ days after...

Oh, hello there everybody! *waves frantically, blows cobwebs off!* Is there still anybody here? Anyone? No one?

If there’s no one, that’s fine… I’m still comfortable talking to myself, as always. Hehe.

If it weren’t for the time stamp on the last post, I seriously wouldn’t have known that I’ve been away from this blog for a month! And this time, away, really means AWAY! I haven’t logged on, haven’t tried to compose anything, didn’t contemplate on whether or not I should or should not share something. I was just… I don’t know… not in the mood to blog, perhaps?

Though I’ve been on Instagram most of the time, I wouldn’t blame Instagram for taking me away from my blog, because even there, I don’t share much of anything apart from my #100happydays challenge. Speaking of which, did you know that I’m already past the 80 day mark for my #100happydays challenge? Yes! Who would have thought, right?

But I’ll let you in on something… 80 days after, I became, for lack of better word, jaded. Yes. I think anyone looking at my photos on Instagram would conclude that I’m a lady who’s crazy obsessed about food, work, my family and my kid. Which to be honest isn’t very far from the truth because they are my universe. After all, why shouldn’t they be? But having said that, I am thankful that I signed up because on days when the going gets tough, I force myself to be grateful for the little moments in life that make me happy.

Speaking of which, there are big things happening in my life right now, and I’m like bursting at the seams, wanting to tell someone or just about anyone about them! But I know that my husband wouldn’t approve as nothing is set in stone and I honour his concerns so the big news will have to wait.

Other than that, my days have been pretty much of the same old routine; I wake up, go to work, come back, and go to work again; not much excitement going on, which probably explains the long hiatus… (not that I need anything “happening” to blog about, since I’m so comfortable talking to myself, ehem!)  

In the past few weeks, the only thing that’s even remotely interesting is probably the fact that I locked myself out of the house, with house keys AND car keys IN THE HOUSE, when my husband (who has the spare keys) was well on his way to Melaka for a 3-day outstation assignment and oh, on the very same day, I was stranded at a car park after Luqman’s routine check-up at the clinic because my car wouldn’t start.

So yeah, just another normal day for us. Yeah, right.

xxx

It was just one of those days when everything that could go wrong, went wrong. After all the drama of being locked out and not having a spare key with me, my husband made a turn back to hand me the spare keys, where I noticed daggers shooting out of his eyes. That must have been one of the scariest moments in 3 years of our life as a couple.

I cancelled my EL, went to work, got things done and went for my time-off to bring Luqman for his scheduled routine check-up. And after all that was done, my car wouldn’t start. Like it just went dead. Alhamdulillah for the good Samaritans who were around the area, I got some light on what I was supposed to do in situations like that. After we figured out that the car battery wasn’t the problem, there was no other option but to call for a tow truck. That was the first time it happened to me, so I was really… clueless. It was later determined that the transponder had somehow slipped out of the key-casing. My dad tells me that the guy at the shop’s trolling me because there’s no such thing as a transponder in cars. But I haven’t had the time nor energy to look it up, so I’m going to accept our guy’s diagnosis in good faith.

xxx

That day was a very humbling day for me. We always think that certain things only happen to certain people when really, it could happen to anyone of us, anyone you think of.

That day was just MY DAY. I rediscovered my strength within, and rekindled my love for my boy who was such a great sport, who made me forget about all the negative things people in that situation thought about. My faith in humanity was also restored that day when none of the passers-by who helped me took advantage of me but instead stayed to help and made sure everything was okay from start to finish. And of course, that day, I was reminded again why we must always make doa for our parents’ health and safety because if I didn’t have my parents that day, I don’t know what I would have done.

xxx

So, yeah. I guess I’ve been way too overwhelmed with everything that’s happened. After that incident, the big news came, so I haven’t really had the time to sit down and digest how the scales can tip from one end to the other in a split second.

I guess once I’m more settled, I’d be more comfortable to blog even about my mundane life or my silly little nonsensical thoughts.

For now, I hope this appeases your curiousity of what’s been going on in my life *perasan ada orang curious!* Mih mih mih.

But whatever that case is, this sure has helped me miss my blog a little less!

Til the next post, ta!  

it's not me, it's you.

My personality is who I really am, my attitude depends on you... 

Or something to that effect. You've heard of it before, right? Right?

So have I.

Thing is... bad attitude does not suit me. 

It think it does... oh wait... I thought it does.

But it doesn't. Period. 

So now, I have to deal with that fact and deal with it fast. 

And I know that I may even sound a little slightly disappointed with that fact and maybe, in a weird, twisty kind of way, I am. Just a little bit. But I am. 

It's not for any reason really; it's merely to prove the fact that I am capable of getting angry when I am bullied and displeased at the onset of being blamed for something (totally not my doing), or made to feel like I am an utter idiot, when clearly, I'm not. 

But after having tried so hard (so many times) to put up an attitude, I've decided to stop as I've become jaded. It's taking up too much precious energy to cook up something (re: an attitude) that I don't even have in the first place. 

 

So, goodbye to Hanisa Bad-ass. 

Hello, Million Dollar Smiles. 

Works every time. Effortlessly. 

xxx

SO the next time you see me smiling, try to properly cipher that smile. It's not just me, it's you.

the easiest road to heaven.

Everyday, I try to map out how I anticipate my day would be like. 

I kind of believe in the law of attraction so I guess that kind of comes naturally. 

But sometimes, there are things I plan which never take place no matter how badly I want it to and it frustrates me and gets me thinking, which then leads me to write to myself in my blog like this. Hehe.

xxx

And before I continue with this post, I'd just like to put a caveat to any of my incoming statements as I am nowhere nearly as pious or as learned as our religious scholars and all the thoughts I am about to share are mostly based on my simple logic. But be that as it may, even though I am not that pious, I'd like for you to know that I do like to spend some time with my God everyday. I really do. 

So, after each prayer, I try to slot in some time to recite the Quran; sometimes, I get to read 2 pages, sometimes more and other times... I don't get to read anything at all, which normally, is not at all by choice. 

Normally, I would wait until all chores are done and everyone is asleep because that way, I would be able to focus entirely on the whole purpose of spending time with my God. There was a time in this year when I was able to do that because everyone (except me) would be knackered by the time it was 10 p.m. and I was able to do whatever I wanted, uninterrupted. When everyone stopped being knackered at 10 p.m., my schedule changed and I then began spending time with my God during the wee hours of the morning when my boys were still enjoying their dream-laced slumber.

Then, there came a time when no one would sleep at 10 p.m. but still woke up in the wee hours of the morning and that's when I became exasperated about the whole situation.

If it was housework, chores, preparing dinner etc. etc., I'm open to the idea of a crying baby following me everywhere, wanting my attention. But when spending time with my God, I can't stand any of that. I really can't. I don't know if it's just me or it's wrong of me to want it the way I want it, but yeah. That's just the way it is. 

xxx

And because of my inability to spend as much time with my God as I'd like, I started thinking about how unfair it is for women to not be able to pursue their religious interests (on top of other interests, let's not go there in this post), so how was I supposed to get to heaven in one piece in the hereafter if I am unable to collect enough pahala throughout my life on earth?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

xxx

I started thinking about all the congregational prayers I can never attend for fear of my son running around unsupervised.

I started thinking about all the religious talks I can never attend for fear of disturbing the rest of the audience with my son's curiousity and incessant need to move around.

I started thinking about all those pages of the Quran I can never read when my son wakes up in the middle of the night wanting no one else but me.

How do I get to heaven if I can never do enough?

xxx

I must have forgotten that I'm now married. 

Nobody said that congregational prayers have to be performed in the masjid/surau. You just have to have imam and makmum. And poof! 27 times pahala for you!

Nobody said that you would not be justly rewarded for caring for your family. You cook, you clean, you love and you make your family happy so surely there is some share of heaven for you, right? (I hope)

I've also read before that when you kiss your child(ren), you would be rewarded justly with satu darjat syurga. And that when you kiss your husband, your minor sins would be expiated. 

And guess what, when you're married, you're even rewarded with pahala for having sex with your husband. 

And these are just some of the simpler things.

xxx

 So, to console myself for the time I don't get to properly spend on my personal ibadah, I tell myself that marriage is the easiest way to heaven. 

Because in all honesty, I really do think so. If not, it would be impossible to see the womankind in heaven, kan?

xxx

Nah, Sayang. Chilli King Prawn Pasta. Doakan saya masuk syurga, ye?

Please and thank you.

#tibe-tibe.

♥

multi, to me.

I don't know what the accepted definition of multi-tasking is and frankly, I'm too lazy to look it up because I have my own definition of what it is -

(1) Multi-tasking is getting several things done at the same time. 

(2) Doing several things at the same time (especially of the same nature) to me, is NOT multi-tasking.

xxx

Think about it, and think real hard - there is a difference between getting several things done at once and doing several things at the same time.

While practicing the first creates efficiency, practice of the second, in my humble opinion, will just cause the outcome of all jobs done to be sloppy. 

xxx

Think about it. 

Cleaning bottles and washing dishes while boiling water = YES.

Laundry being washed in the machine while ironing clothes = YES.

Brushing teeth and washing underwear while bathing = YES

Talking on the phone while mopping floor = YES

Doing opinion while reading gossip columns = THIN LINE

Peeing while doing Number 2 = NO (well, except when you're in the labour room where anything is possible)

 Surgery while reading a book = NO

Solat while eating = BATAL

Driving while texting = SUICIDAL

Having a conversation while staring at the phone = RUDE

Watching kid at the pool while "social networking" = IRRESPONSIBLE 

xxx

Just. Think. About. It.

While getting some things done at once is fine, doing so many things at the same time is stupid, suicidal, irresponsible or just plain rude. 

remember me this way.

 WARNING: BANYAK GAMBAR.

The second half of March was such a stressful time for me, so I really looked forward to March ending and I was really determined to make sure that April began on the right foot. 

Lucky for me, my leave application was approved and my husband had an outstation assignment, so I was all set to tag along, even if it was just for one day.

And 'til today, when I get all stressed out at work, I remember those 2 days with much fondness and count my blessings for having had the chance to be so happy, despite it all. 

xxx

I was honestly very nervous about the trip. The only long-haul trip we've taken with Luqman before was to attend my cousin's wedding in Kuantan. We only managed to convince Luqman to sit in the carseat up until Genting Sempah and thereafter, he insisted to sit on my lap. And honestly, at the time, it wasn't so bad; he wasn't 12kgs then and when we arrived in Kuantan, my parents were around as well, so we had extra pairs of hands and eyes. 

This time though, I was alone with him. Well, not technically alone, since my husband was around, but while he was at work, I was alone. So, I was really nervous about the trip. 

xxx

Surprisingly, Luqman behaved EXTREMELY well. He sat in his carseat for like the longest time, soaking in the sun and marveling at the things we were passing by. He pointed to the objects he knew and named them, and kept telling us how "cantik" everything is. It was in Kemaman when he finally got restless and demanded that I hold him. And by then, since we were so close to Kerteh, I decided it was not worth putting up a fight with him and let him stand at the back so that he could continue admiring the beautiful night lights.

I obviously underestimated his ability to enjoy the simplest things in life.

 

All this happened on 1st of April.

xxx

It was about 8 p.m. when we finally arrived. We dropped our bags in the room and someone decided that it was nice to "deposit" some "fertilizers" on Terengganu soil, so we had to clean him up and bathe him first before we searched for dinner. 

So much for wanting to try local delicacies, we ended up in Mesra Mall because we're such Terengganu Noobs! Gah! Couldn't find the shops that I've been googling plus we needed some things from the supermarket, so yeah. That's where we had our dinner. 

Managed to get Luqman some floats for the swimming session I had planned for him the next day and got some things to munch before we called it a night. 

xxx

The next day was Luqman's birthday. We woke up singing "Happy Birthday" to him and though he was familiar with the song and seemed happy, he was still pretty clueless about what the day was all about. My husband left for work and we went down to have some breakfast. 

After that, I brought Luqman to the pool and guess who was more excited? Yes, ME! Luqman hated the pool and I didn't understand it at all! He used to love the pool, so what was up with him! Sebenarnya hangin sebab melayang RM18 for the float. Haha. And at the time, I was grateful I wasn't impulsive enough to get him some fancy swimming suit I saw. All that extra money is going to your education fund, son. Hehe. 

Of course, I couldn't enjoy the pool on my own, after all, it was Luqman's birthday, not mine, hehehe so I brought him to the beach instead. He told me it was "cantik" but he clearly hated the sand! Gah, this boy! But of course, because I'm so full of tough love, I made him walk a few meters in the sand for him to get to the playground just to get him used to it. He probably didn't appreciate that very much, but it's okay. We spent just a few minutes at the playground and Luqman got bored when he couldn't find a slide (I found that to be odd as well) so I let him play with the plants and do whatever he liked. 

xxx

After we got back to our room, Luqman got all excited about the bathtub and had more fun in it than he had in the pool.

Sigh. Anak siapa lah ni.

xxx

After such an eventful morning, the boy slept like a log and wouldn't wake up, so we extended our check-out time. I was really sad to leave Terengganu and I wished that we could stay for just another day, at least. But alas, I had to go back to the office the next day and so did my husband, so the moment Luqman woke up, we checked out, paid the bills and left. 

If time and work permits, I would definitely love to tag along again. And next time, I'm so not going to repeat my "Terengganu Noob" mistakes and come prepared! Hehe.

xxx

We were all hungry by then but we couldn't get any recommendations on where to eat in Kerteh. (if you do have recommendations, please let me know, okay!) so we drove on and on and on until Kuantan, where many suggested Sara Thai and Ana Ikan Bakar (they're so famous, they're on Waze)! 

We decided on Sara Thai and we ordered whatever (well not everything of course) that the waiter suggested. 

Do you want to know how lovely the lemon steamed fish is? (1) I didn't bother to take a photo of it when it arrived and digged right in; and (2) at this moment, as I am writing this, I am salivating at the thought of the taste of the fish in my mouth! Gahhh.

Ya Allah, it was so delicious! And the portion was so big (as there was only the 2 of us and Luqman only ate omelette), so big that I didn't eat the whole day after that because I was still so full. Haha. 

xxx

Our journey ended with us having some cake at Secret Recipe that night just to commemorate Luqman's birthday. 

xxx

Technically, all of this happened in the span of 36 hours but tell you what, those 36 hours were among the best hours I've had this year. 

And I always want to remember us that way.

 

♥

what happens when I don't care.

So, I recently had an emotional breakdown after holding back my emotions and holding in my pent up issues for so long. Coincidentally, that was when the MH370 was confirmed to have "ended" in the Southern Indian Ocean, so that just made my breakdown worse. It was horrible. I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop sobbing, couldn't stop my tears from trickling down my cheeks and basically felt like nothing could console me. 

I was a hormone casserole, a tear avalanche. 

That basically set the tone for the whole week that ensued. I was struggling with my 100HappyDays Challenge though in a way, I was glad that I challenged myself to find something to be happy about every day, because it avoided me from being overly depressed. 

And because it was such a sombre week, by the time the weekends came, I was so much more tired than usual. So tired that that particular weekend, I decided to take a break.

So, on that Saturday (29th March), while I was drifting off to sleep, 

I thought about the laundry - undone. 

I thought about the dirty floor - undone. 

I thought about the drinking water - unboiled.

I thought about lunch - uncooked.

I thought about the house - a mess.

"You can get these things done if you don't take a nap, you know?", says my version of Jiminy Cricket (don't know who? look it up!)

And thankfully, even with my Jiminy Cricket bringing me on a roller coaster guilt trip, I decided to ignore it and I SLEPT. Like a baby, I slept. I knew for a fact that the house couldn't run itself, but I knew that I couldn't run on depleting batteries either. Was I going to regret not doing housework when I had the chance? Probably. But did I regret taking that break? Never.

To hell with the house, to hell with undone.

What's important is that I woke up a different person; a better one. 

I woke up appreciating my husband's and baby's laughter, I woke up wanting to hear them call me, when just hours before, "Mama" was no longer music to my ears. I was alot more efficient in my movements and no longer felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. And most of all, once the fatigue waned off me, I no longer felt like I hated the life that I chose.

***

I guess this was bound to happen. I was going on and on and on like clockwork and it just felt like work, chores and responsibilities would never end. I forgot that they never will. In a house with living people, you're bound to have laundry, dishes, spilled milk and crayon marks on the walls.

Thing is, I just have to learn to not care (too much), so that I have some energy to spare to care for myself.