Day 14 of MCO

Malaysia is currently under partial lockdown, and it's Day 14.

While others are complaining about not going out, and mind you, I'm beginning to feel antsy about this whole thing too, I am first and foremost grateful - grateful that I am home with those who matter most to me. 

Of course, I'd very much like if both our families were nearer, so that we could look out for each other, pass food over the pagar and things like that, but even in this situation, I feel grateful that they are all safe and sound in their own homes, rather than being out there, being exposed to the virus.

The virus is vicious. It is unlike anything that mankind has ever known. It has lead us to lead our lives so differently, which ultimately begs the question of - whether this "changed lifestyle" is the way we should be living our lives, actually?

I don't know, but a huge part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, that's one of the lesson we should learn from this ordeal. 

Though we all know that when this ordeal is over and the world gets back on it's feet - by relearning how to crawl, walk and run again... the world would eventually forget what this ordeal has brought us through and we and the generations to come would get back to our old ways.

After all, old habits die hard.

All seriousness aside, we've had plenty of fun in our home, barring the occasional shouting matches against each other. 

And contrary to popular believe, Public Servants do continue to serve as best as we could during these tough times and I've already been to the office twice during in these 14 days, maintaining a safe distance from everyone and keeping my hands sanitised, always. And other days, I work from home, maybe not as productively as I'd like to  (or rather as I'm used to), but as best as I could do, which I think will have to do for the time being. 

Other than that, we are adjusting well, and we try to keep a positive mindset as much as we possibly can. Perhaps, just perhaps, that's the best that we could do for now.

Alhamdulillah for a smooth 14 days of MCO. Hoping that the next 14 would be without incident, and be the last of it in sha Allah.

today I turn 35

... and I figured that today would be a good time to post something.

*blows dust*

Assalamualaikum dunia. It has been a while, hasn't it?

2020  - the year we have all been waiting for. To be honest, the only thing I remember from when Wawasan 2020 was launched was me calculating the age I'd be at when 2020 finally comes.

Now that 2020 is here, I find myself questioning my achievements thus far. 

"What more can you do, so that your future self will thank you?",

seems to be central to my thoughts today.

And my only conclusion is that I most definitely can do more. 

More of things that make me happy.

More of making myself happy with what I have.

More of making the most of everything.

More of accepting the things that I cannot change.

And with that, I hope, like I do every year, that this year would be better than the year before. 

Happy 35th Birthday, Hanisa.

Happy Humpday

Throughout the whole journey to work today, I vowed to make today a better day.

So, the moment I arrived at my work station, I slapped on some lipstick just so I look a little better. And I decided -- that this little space of mine deserves some TLC -- and today, I decided that I deserve this *teenytiny* short break because it has been a rather long month or two or three (hehe) for me.

Truth is, despite my silence, I have been around, drafting drafts which never get posted, and thinking thoughts that never get written... or spoken. Most days on this page involves me simply staring at the blinking cursor, thinking about where or how to begin --  or if I even should. And obviously, that has resulted in the super long hiatus.

My days and months away have actually been more eventful than you think. 

In fact, I'd say that this year has been a year of major adjustments for me and my family.

I "suddenly" have a "baby" who turned 7 this year and all of a sudden, we've had to deal with early morning school runs, parent-teacher meets, homework, mathematics (like OMG!), lost water bottles and all the normal and not so normal school boy problems. And I find that my love for him grows along with his growth, and each day, I see how well he has blossomed and can't help but feel a sense of pride over how far he has come. 

On the other hand, my other "baby" whose birth story I never got to write, is also not a baby anymore as she turned 3 in April. Each day with her is a new challenge, as she constantly pushes my buttons in the most passive aggressive ways we can possibly think of! She really is a ball of fire and ice all in one and one can move from the feeling of adoration to annoyance towards her in a matter of seconds! She really is a force to be reckoned with and she totally puts me back in the position of a "first time mom" all over again because with her, I can never be too sure that she's BabyCentre material (^.^''). Be that as it may, I thank Allah everyday for putting her into our lives, for she really is a ray of sunshine on all our rainy days. 

Speaking of being a mom of two, I have actually come to the realisation that I never really figured it out. What I did was to simply do the best that I could, in the way I thought was best. And in all honesty, doing things according to my own ideals have helped me become less hard on myself and gives me a chance to love my kids as they are rather than hoping that they'd conform to society's standard of what a "good kid" should be.

Apart from the our little (mis)adventures at home, life at work has also been somewhat overwhelming, for want of better word.

People oftentime think that all Public Servants are... well, the typical Public Servants, and though I used to, with all my might, fight to rebut the general perception of me... of us, these days, I just let them be. 

Like seriously, if I could flaunt all of the work that I do and shout from the rooftops about how awesome most of my smart and hardworking colleagues are, I would. Okay I lie, it's totally against my principles to go all gebang about all the good things that we do, but that's besides the point. The point is that my absence from this space for months on end in itself should serve as a proof of how I really haven't had the time nor energy for anything other than work and family. Heck, I started this post so early in the morning, like the moment I arrived and only get to post this 4 hours after! 

Post-GE14 has been particularly challenging as we all try to maneuver our way through uncharted territories. On top of that, now that I'm at this stage of my career (11 years in Service, you do the math), I have suddenly become wayy more "enlightened" about how office politics makes the world go round. And quite frankly, the game of politics (and backbiting) doesn't suit me well at all, having been a staunch believer that (real) talent should consist of both elements i.e. your brain AND how you make people feel. But from the looks of it right now, it seems to me that "how you make people feel" definitely gets the centre stage where certain things are concerned, leaving us absolutely no choice -- 

we either jump on the "feel good" bandwagon or fight the temptation and keep believing that someday, someone out there will recongnise "your brain" as real talent.

And though I admit that it is at times disheartening to know how misinterpreted real talent is, I guess I'd stick to the latter any time, just so my conscience is clear -- and so I can sleep peacefully at night.

And on that note, after yearss of Service, I have made a decision, to try as much as I possibly can to strike a work-personal life balance. 

But you know what, I really, really have to run, so more on that some time later? 

(by now you'd know "later" probably means in another quarter heeeheee)

2018 - the year of (intense) personal growth.

It does seem a little late for a 2018 recap, don't you think?

But considering what a nice date today is, I figured that it would be a good time to restart blogging (even if with just one post hehe). Because to be really honest, I have missed blogging so very badly.

Months have passed since my last post and to be honest, it was right after that post that the doors of countless opportunities were opened to me. I don't know how else to express my amazement, but masya Allah, the power of doa and a hopeful, wondering heart, has on countless occasions, proven to do wonders to my soul.

2018 has proven to be a year of intense growth for me, personally. 2018 saw me going through so much, and much of which were things I never quite imagined I would ever have to go through. I received alot of blessings yes, but 2018 also brought about with it so many tears and neverending, burning questions of what the future holds. I learned that with hardship comes ease. I also learned how important it was to always remember Allah, even in times of happiness. Especially in times of happiness. Because it's when we are (too) happy that we tend to forget who our hearts really belong to - and that He, is the turner of hearts. That He too, is the best of planners, even when it doesn't seem like so at the time.

There were times when I felt like I have been stretched thin in all directions (tapi perut tak kurus juga haha), and there were times when I questioned the fruitfulness of my efforts and whether my prayers have gone unheard, thinking that they have fallen on deaf ears... only to realise that my efforts and prayers have been answered in a different form from what I had expected.

So yes, 2018 definitely saw me growing bounds and leaps.

Most definitely, 2018 has made me grateful for all the little things.

And because of that, I have made 2019 the year of all the little things.

It has been said that in order to find balance, we need to keep on moving, which is exactly what I'm doing right now - which is to move on with life.

And in order to move on with life being genuinely happy, we need to realise that as much as the big moments count, the little blessings make up a huge part of our lives too. We need to train ourselves to see the good in most things, if not all. And no matter how hypocritical being kind or being nice to others may seem (at least at first), once kindness becomes a habit, it'll be hard to kick.

So, 2019, although I'm really late in letting you in, WELCOME.

Let's continue to count all the little blessings life has showered us with and be mindful that life may not always turn out the way we planned, but perhaps only for the best.

p.s.: I'm okay. I really am :) ♥

100 days til the end of the year

... and this seemed apt -

"When it's your turn, it doesn't matter if you're at the back of the line. God will move you to the front.".

Because the truth is that Allah is the only branch, which you hold on to, that will never break.

And when you take care of the things you NEED to take care of lillahita'ala, everything else will fall into place. You just have to TRUST that some things are beyond your control and beyond the control of those around you as well, and that everything and everyone is at the time and place they are meant to be at.

March(ing) On.

Fabulous February done and dusted and it was indeed 28 of the happiest (albeit busiest!) days I've had so far. 

I say busiest because apart from the happy days, I literally worked and worked and worked for all 20 working days, never leaving the office any earlier than 6.00 p.m. and even continued working on some weekends. I can't even explain how exhausting it got on some days but... it was all worth it in the end because The Team managed to submit the matter we were working on just as February was closing its doors!

The satisfaction I felt was just phenomenal... I can't even begin to explain how that feels!

With that, I decided that no matter how difficult these coming months will be, I shall continue marching on, pun intended (HAHA)

...

And that Ladies and Gents is the post I started writing on 1.3.2018 which I have yet to complete until today. 14 days into March and I really have been marching on, sticking true to my word.

But if I could be a little honest here, I'm starting to feel the heat of all my fervent.

Though marching on has indeed been a good game plan going forward, I do also think that I deserve a little pause; some sort of break if you like... just so I'm able to regain my strength and renew my spirits.

And though I have yet to figure out just what I'm going to do to avoid getting jaded (like I did before)... I know for a fact that sooner or later, I must do something about this situation I am in because like it or not, I need to continue marching on, like I said I would --

-- only this time, I've learned my lesson to not be too hard on myself.

I know I can do this, so next half of March, bring it on!

ticking boxes off my grateful list.

14/28

I turned 33 on 12/28 and I'm feeling absolutely amazing!

It all began with an amazing reunion weekend with the the TKC9802 girls and the spill over of good vibes made its way all the way to Monday, which was my birthday.

My husband, being the awesome person that he is, did not think that going to IKEA was a good idea. After all, he did take leave specifically to celebrate my birthday and we could go to IKEA like... any.time. So he suggested that we head to GPO instead -- without the kids. And though I didn't want anything particular, I thought that it would be a good getaway for us.

And boy, did we have fun! We had good coffee to start the day, I got to wear white (refer last post), we tried out a new place for lunch and though I didn't get myself anything fancy (much to my husband's dismay), I got exactly the kind of day that I wanted... where I get to relax and not think about anything at all. And most importantly, we headed home feeling happy that we spent the day being happy.

And just when I thought the celebrations have ended, my colleagues surprised me with a birthday lunch complete with K-Fry (like OMG!!!), balloons and the whole works. I was very pleasantly surprised because although we have good working relationship with each other, we seldom get to lounge around over lunch together, socialising and talking about other than work due to our crazy schedules. So today's surprise was just out of this world for me and I really felt the love.

The first 45 days of 2018 has so far been extremely kind to me and I've been able to tick off so much from my Grateful List. And despite knowing that life comes with its own inevitable occasional sadness, I hope that 2018 would continue to be as awesome as it has been to me so far.

Much ♥

33/365

33/365.

Despite how down-ish I felt after I came back from our Perth trip, I survived January! *throws confetti*

Now that February (my favourite month!) is here and I'm only 10 days shy from turning 33, naturally, my better half has started asking me what I'd like as a present this year. He tells me that I look like a girl who's got everything (that she needs). So, he can't think about surprising me with something that I might even remotely like.

Can't blame him for feeling that way because I really do have everything (that I need). So... yeah. Let's just say that on that day, I'd like to have some good breakfast... followed by a whole day out, I'd like to wear white without worry (random, I know), and I'd be happy to spend the day in Ikea scouting for ideas because my last search on Pinterest was "ideas for 7-year old bedroom".... so yes, that says alot about my current state of mind, don't you think? Haha.

xxx

Speaking of dates, I have always had this thing about dates (both the verb and noun). I've always looked forward to particular dates because they matter(ed) a lot to me. Thing is, unlike the typical person who commands the "law of attraction", I seem to have the absolute opposite effect on such law... and I always find myself frustrated with the outcome of the date (sometimes verb, sometimes noun). And most times, it's not due to anyone's doing but my own and I have absolutely no idea why the day turns out so differently than how I envisioned it to be.

Is it because I envisioned it to be absolutely perfect (which is impossible on any given day); or

Could it be that I'm the one who can't handle the day when it doesn't turn out the way I thought it should have?

So... I've taken a little precautionary action on my part about planning dates.

Because I can't control when I would feel happy or sad or excited or meh... and that means that when I expect myself to be all upbeat and excited and happy on any given date AND I DON'T, I think I put myself under unnecessary stress to put in extra effort into everything even when I don't feel like it.

So, here's to today -- 33/365, 10 days to the day I turn 33.

Though I do hope that I'd feel super duper happy on the day that I'd turn a year older because 12/2 matters (to me), but for now, I think I'd be happy knowing that I'll be okay if the day turns out differently.

♥

we're off to a good start (hopefully)

25/365.

It's already 25 days into 2018... but I still hope that it isn't too late to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! 

If you've been following this space, you'd know that I have, for a while now, been anticipating a little something something and yes, if you haven't already guessed it, that little something something has been keeping me away from updating this space.

So, what have I been anticipating?

Well, 7 years after our last trip... we decided to go back to Perth... and this time with our kids.

And it was simply...

.

.

.

.

.

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

EXHAUSTING! 

True story, hahaha!

But, please, don't get me wrong... it was really a very memorable trip for us four.

It's actually our first time traveling on board a flight and to a foreign country with both kids so the learning curve (for all of us) was super steep. Physically, we were of course overly prepared thanks to a certain psycho mom in the house *insert flips tudung icon*, but as with any kid, you really cannot predict how unpredictable they would be... so yeah...

We went to Perth with minds totally and completely prepared for all eventualities. And some of the worst things that could happen, did happen - like how we lost (and found) our passports, like how Luqman was so sick that he finished a whole bottle of PCM the first 3 days we were there and instead of spending whole days exploring Perth like we did on our honeymoon, we settled for 1/2 day trips to avoid the kids from over exertion. We managed to cover all the bases and all in all, everyone had the time of our lives. Reminiscing Perth is one of our favourite pastimes these days and although for the most part, I honestly did feel super duper exhausted, here I am, missing Perth. *mysterious*

For our first long-haul trip with both kids, I think we did pretty well. *pats self on back*

I'm not so sure how long it'll take for me to update on what we did while we were there, for my own keepsakes, of course... but I really want to share our itinerary with everyone, just in case anyone travelling with kids would like to know what we can do in Perth for 8 days 7 nights, what to expect and not to expect and so on and so forth.

But for now, I'll sign this off with some of our trip's highlights.

on the receiving end of rebellion

Mid-2018 will mark my 10th year in Service. 

And my oh my, what a long way I have come from that innocent young officer who once walked through the doors on my first day of work.

I admit that I wasn't the instant favourite. In fact, since I did pretty well in University, I kind of felt entitled -- like I wasn't supposed to be tasked with the "menial" tasks which I was tasked with; that I was worth SO MUCH MORE -- that I deserved whatever it is that I thought I deserved.

Thing is, just like in any organisation, respect is earned; and so is trust. 

And though I learned the hard and long way, at least I took the time to learn.

xx

 

Now 10 years on, I find myself on the receiving end of rebellion.

I find myself being disappointed with the current breed/crop of officers reporting to duty. I keep thinking about why and how they turned out the way they turned out -- though I must admit that not everything is bad about them, no. They know leeways and loopholes and shortcuts of all sorts and some can be really smart when they put their mind over matter. BUT BUT BUT -- for "old timers" like myself, some successes cannot be reached via shortcuts. And no matter how "open to change" I am and should be about "evolution", there are some things which cannot be substituted, one of them being PURE HARD WORK.

Thing is, there's a grave misconception about "pure hard work". People think that people who put in pure hard work don't "work smart" because there are seemingly "smarter" and "shorter" ways to reach the intended result. But the thing is, if you are not "technically sound" about a particular subject matter you are tasked to, can you really work smart without going that extra mile i.e. putting in the extra effort? 

From years of personal observation, many of us don't think that putting in that extra effort is worth what it really is. Many perceive their hard work to be of no use because Service is so big so really, what is the point of working so hard anyway? Would anyone even care to recognise our efforts in any way?

But why must it always be about what other people think? What about what you think about yourself and how well-earned your money is? I know a thing or two about the importance of getting validation and how hard it can be, but it isn't an impossible feat. What I've learned in this past decade is that the harder I try to make others happy, the less happy I become with the end results. And I'm not saying that we should defy authority on purpose just to prove our worth - I'm just saying that for the most part, you should be yourself -- 

Speaking of which... I am not a rebel at heart and rebellion never looked good on me. To many, I may look like the perfect product of brainwash, whose life revolves around that " Perfect Life Checklist", who chooses to be "safe" and "boring" because I toe the line and conform to the norms of the society. 

The thing is, I'm HAPPY.

Has anyone ever wondered whether I am happy -- despite my seemingly "routine life" and "lack of richness" (i.e. money)? 

Have you ever felt liberated to not be in debt? To not be under the pressure of owning branded goods? To not compare how well your children are doing next to the next genius kid in town who can spell a 100 words at the age of 5? To feel ENOUGH? Have you?

If you haven't, then, you should really stop judging the way I live my life and my personal preference of "staying safe" -- because I have never questioned anyone's personal choices in life no matter how much I disagree. 

Because like I said before, I am HAPPY -- with my life -- the one I chose. So, I think questions about being hard working, and safe and boring should stop because it's bordering on becoming personal insult.

xx

So, maybe I've digressed a little from the original intent of writing this post. 

But it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Because being at the receiving end of rebellion is no fun. 

Dealing with people who think that defying authority just to prove a point isn't fun.

And frankly, people who think that working hard is overrated are way too overrated.

At least I'm pulling my own weight. So, be thankful about that.

best decision ever.

Though I've gained a whole lot from motherhood (weight one of it, BAHAHAHAHA), there is one sure thing that I've inadvertently lost, which is my spontaneity.

I admit that I miss that part of me (sometimes), but most times, I'm more than happy to have the kids as the penultimate consideration in everything I do. They've become my check and balance of some sort and frankly I like it that way.

But, on occasion... I do let loose and let that much missed side of me surface. Like I did last weekend.

Last weekend was SO MUCH FUN! On a whim, we went roadtripping with my husband back to his place down south because he had some work commitments he had to attend to. And while he went to work, we had the time of our lives, just chilling and enjoying our time together. 

Also... just to support his event, I joined in the Fun Run and managed to get 3rd! And I also got a prize from the lucky draw! He wasn't biased, I promise! So getting 3rd was all my hard work and getting the prize was just my luck. Though I do think that he was secretly expecting me to get first place because we're both kiasu like that, haha. 

Well, anyways, we all slept in, ate out, played by the beach, dipped in the pool and sang and danced and sang again and though our lives was quite the moving circus, we would definitely do it all over again, I'm sure (though maybe we'll go by flight this time? haha).

And from the trip, there was a major take home lesson for me (especially); I learned to appreciate how much work my husband does to put food on our table and how much effort he puts in to just be home. It was a huge eye opener and I can safely say how proud I am of how well he's doing what he's doing. 

Making that decision on a whim was one of the best decisions I've made, ever!

And now that we're home, we can't hardly wait for our next family trip.

-- happening in 5 more sleeps! 

♥