my 2016, abbreviated.

Abbreviated in probably 2 words;

PJJ; and

WFHM.

Oh, and maybe 2015 in memory too.

It's been such a long time since the last time, in fact, it's been way too long.

I miss this space. I really do.

And to be honest, I kind of miss me too.

getting this off my chest -- so I can move on.

Tengok balik list, banyak betul draft these couple of months. BANYAK.

Tapi semua tak post, sudahnya jadi basi, lepas tu, terbuku dalam hati.

Padahal, ada hari, hati meronta nak ceritakan semuanya pada semuanya.

Hari ni, ada sikit masa senggang, rasa nak post balik drafts yang agak relevant walaupun dah basi... just so kita ada reference di kemudian hari, tapi entah -- rasanya selagi satu isi hati ni tak dilepaskan, selagi tu tak boleh move on.

So, here goes.

Nagging is not my second nature. Itu satu. Keduanya, I don't really know how to be angry. Sometimes, marah pun sambil senyum. Lepas tu, kalau marah betul, confirm menangis sendiri out of utter regret. Confirm. Pelik, tapi benar. Itulah dia true story.

Each time I get angry (really angry), I will eventually cry. And I'll feel bad and super tired about it for days on end.

Walaupun begitu, bila dah marah dengan orang/benda for something, it literally takes FOREVER for me to forget. Bukan berdendam, tapi tak boleh lupa. Kalau nak tahu, sebenarnya PENAT bila tak boleh lupa ni... agaknya itu lah sebab saya sentiasa kurus -- benda orang dah tak ingat, kita tak lupa-lupa juga. Tapi terima saja lah, dah Allah jadikan kita begitu... ada lah sebabnya tu. Everyone has their own set of challenges, bukan?

Itu cakap pasal marah dengan orang... kalau marah dengan anak-anak? Pergh. Dia punya sesalan tak boleh nak explain. I used to live with no regrets, tapi lepas dapat anak dua ni ... kumpul regrets yang rasa hari-hari dari anak bangun sampai anak tidur -- boleh gila dibuatnya.

Sebelum ada yang salah faham, let me explain. Bukan regret sebab beranak. Engko gila ke apa. Regret tu terbit daripada marah yang sengaja walaupun tak sengaja, ignorance yang sengaja disebabkan tak sengaja, upset secara sengaja dalam tak sengaja. Ayat tu sendiri dah pening, kan? Boleh imagine tak betapa dalam hati ni pening dia macam mana? Nak explain with words secara waras pun tak boleh, apatah lagi nak show you the shape of my heart. Ewah merapu dah. 

Pokoknya, every time I leave my kids at school, on the way to work mesti nangis. Not that their school is not good; I pay to send them to wonderful schools with wonderful teachers and they are superb at their jobs. Tapi nangis sebab malam sebelumnya mesti dah terjerit, termarah, ter-buat-buat tidur bila anak tanya soalan, terabaikan bila rasa pampers anak penuh. 

Paling best, ter-annoyed masa Atiya Ayesha first said "Mama". Boleh?

"Mama" was her first word and I was annoyed.

Punyalah nak anak sayang kita kali ni (Luqman masa kecik cakap "Daddy" dulu). But since she said "Mama" because wanted my attention and all I was thinking about then was getting the laundry done, I was annoyed. 

Last-last Luqman yang lagi excited. Lepas tu, I got annoyed at Luqman for being excited pulak.

It has been, for lack of better word, such a psychotic 6 months for me.

So much so that I wondered -- macam mana masa dengan Luqman dulu, I could survive the 6 months without my husband alone. Masa tu lagi lah, dengan duit tak ada, susu badan tak cukup, duduk dekat tingkat 8. I didn't eat dinner or bathe either. Solat pun macam pencuri. Tapi masa tu, survive dan seolah tak kisah dengan penat. 

Tapi sekarang macam annoyed. Dah kenapa? 

Jawapannya, sebab circumstances kali ni berbeza. Kali ni, I don't only have me to take care of, I have another human being (Luqman) depending on me too. There was once when I was afraid to ask him if he was hungry because I was sure that he was... tapi Atiya memerap -- tak boleh letak, tak boleh tinggal, tak boleh gerak. All she wanted to do was nurse. Nasib baik husband balik malam tu, so kita kasi Luqman makan at 11 p.m. sambil dia tersengguk-sengguk mengantuk. 

Ada sekali tu, bila kita dah penat, kita try crying it out method -- masa nak mandikan Luqman and masa dia mintak wash poopoo, and it worked -- she cried until she became quiet on her own. But after that, I vowed that it would be the first and only time I would ever do it. I never want to leave my child crying like that ever again. EVER. And I never did it again. Kalau sorang mandi, semua masuk toilet, sorang berak, semorang cuci. 

Tapi tak boleh buat apa, sebab kita semua mesti survive. Paling penting anak-anak mesti survive. Abang must survive -- must be clean, must be healthy, safe, happy. And Adik must have enough milk, enough clean diapers, walaupun mungkin sedikit lacking in affection as compared to when Abang was growing up. Tapi tak apa, we'll make up for lost time, I convinced myself. 

But eventually, pinggang sakit, lutut sakit, kaki sakit, hati sakit.

Sakit sangat sampaikan anak cakap "Mama" pun annoyed. Sakit sangat sampai pergi kerja setiap hari tak pernah tak nangis. Sakit sampaikan 530 petang sampai anak-anak tidur, I would be holding my breath out of nervousness -- takut something goes wrong -- anak demam ke, jatuh ke, perlukan hospital ke. Psychotic kan?

And that's when I realised. sebenarnya for my children to survive, yang paling penting ialah for their Mama (read: me) to survive. My survival was paramount to theirs. 

I forgot that dalam banyak-banyak orang tu, I was the one who cannot fall or fall sick or go to the hospital and most importantly I cannot go crazy. Only problem is, I was on the brink of insanity. 

I realised that that could not go on if I wanted to survive. And I needed help. Big time. 

And just when I needed help the most, help came. And I shall forever be grateful to Allah, for granting me what I need, when I need it the most. 

It's been a week since help arrived. And I haven't made a big deal out of it yet because I don't want to jinx it. 

All I know is that if help is here to stay, we're going to have better days ahead, in sha Allah.

2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

Looks like this is what my "blogger" life has been reduced to; a 2-month once update.

Ashamed to call myself a "blogger" anymore because (1) not sure how relevant blogs are in the world of growing social media; and (2) I've jumped on the "bandwagon" of no updates for want of time (mostly).

Yet, at the same time... having kept this blog for so long, doing away with it doesn't seem like an option at all. 

My baby girl is now 6 months and 1 week young. She's currently down with fever, cutting 2 teeth at once. Can't flip onto her tummy by herself yet... but when you give her tummy time, she's pretty mobile. So, I really have to watch her because man is that girl fast! No solids yet because she can't sit upright on her own... but to be completely honest, I actually feel a little bit sayang to give her solids after all that hard work making sure she's 100% (b)oo(b)fed up to this point.

Other than that...

6 months after, we're still trying our best to understand each other.

I've relented to the fact that I can never be the same mother I was to Luqman when raising Atiya. And though I'm 6 months late in coming to that realisation, I do admit that admitting that fact has caused much liberation (to my surprise). Not sure who's standards I was trying to live up to previously, but now that I'm over being hard on myself, I should probably start to enjoy my girl before it's too late.

Other than that...

Life has been quite uneventful, I must say -- and the irony is that it has left me with very little (leisure) time in hand. I sometimes forget the person I was before I became a mom of two and my passion for the things I used to love -- and life generally... has just been reduced to well, going through day after day after day after day.

I know I sound a little ungrateful, unhappy even (which honestly is not the case at all)... but I can't help but sound that way while I'm going through this toughest phase (i.e. the First 18 Months) alone. 

And while I hope that this phase will pass, I do also hope that Atiya won't grow up too fast, leaving all her baby fat behind as a mere memory. In fact, like I've mentioned so many times before, I'd like for me to  be able to baby her a little while longer and for a chance for us to be able to understand each other a little bit better. 

So, that should be all you need to know as an update at 2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

I hope I will once again find the light in my soul -- and that that light would one day show in these writings that I very much like to share. 

4 months after.

Atiya Ayesha, my darling baby girl.

You may be my second born, but honestly, there are times when you make me feel like a first time mother all over again.

Sometimes, I just can’t figure you out and most times, I just let you be you. After all, apart from the first few queasy weeks in my womb, you generally were a very chill little passenger – even ran 12km with me, remember?

So, I let you have your moments – and I constantly remind myself that all babies are different and that each child is a different experience. Only thing is that I sometimes act the way I do (which is so different from how I was with your brother) because mostly I am doing all of this alone (though technically, we all know that that’s no one’s fault). I’m not proud of myself for losing my cool sometimes and I’m really sorry for being so… different with you, but I’m trying, girl. I really am.

Because just like you, I too, am new– new at this “job” as a Mom of Two. We’ve both got so much of learning to do.

Be that as it may, let’s just say that we’ve been able to manage all of our incoming hurdles so far. We both may not have done it very gracefully what with the tears and screams and drama and all (we sure look eww-ish with our puffy-runny-nose after-tears face) and due to some major changes going on in my life, I’ve had to make some very expensive investments too (bertuah punya anak!) but all in all, everything has been okay.

Honestly, although I know that things will get easier once you’re a little older and I’m so not cool with me constantly losing my cool, especially since you now understand my tone of voice even if you don’t totally understand what I’m saying… I’m not desperate for you to grow up so fast.

I want to baby you a little while longer. I want you to stay my cute little Dobot for as long as you feel like it because I know that once you start to “jumpa kaki” you’re going to lose all that yummy baby fat and you’re going to start wriggling your way out of my arms. I want you to want and need me like I’m the only person who can make you feel comfortable and give you whatever it is that you need (which in our case for the moment is YOUKNOWWHATLAH) and I honestly already miss our moments during my Maternity Leave where we spent all day, every single day together just the 2 of us.

So yeah, I basically don’t want to hurry this experience and you can take your time… though I do hope that you’d keep the screaming to a minimum lah girl, because apart from losing my hair, I sometimes feel like I’m losing my hearing too =.=” but like I said before, all in all, we’ve been pretty much okay.

4 months after – we’re coping, we’re surviving, we’re learning and we’re still standing. And okay is okay enough for me. You’re that “glass ball” I hope I’ll never break.

Thank you for coming into my life, baby girl. Feels wonderful to have a life-sized “doll” of my own.

*I still owe you your birth story, hihi.

buat baik tak payah berpada.

Lately… I’ve been thinking really hard about Him and all of His Grand Plans.

Sometimes, I get it, but sometimes I just don’t and although I generally wonder why things happen the way they do, these days, I’ve just learned to keep calm and soldier on. No matter which way whatever goes, there is always a hikmah – I just need to be patient to find it.

Lately, many things have happened to myself and also the people around me. And these things have gotten me thinking about how important it is to be an all round good person – jaga kata, jaga pandangan and most importantly, jaga hati.

Apa pun yang jadi, jaga hati – jangan ada rasa benci, jangan sengaja menyakiti, jangan ada rasa dengki.

Because no matter how clichéd the saying “Life is a circle” is… it really is the truth. You just don’t know at which point in your life you’ll be at the bottom so best be prepared to be trampled on. But better still, best be prepared with the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, there will be people who will have your back.

Kalau kita jahat/dengki dengan orang lain, kan dah susah? Because people will always remember how you make them feel and if 90% of the time you make people feel bad, there’s a high likelihood that people won’t feel bad about making you feel bad.

It’s a vicious cycle, I know. And it probably isn’t the way things should be… but it is.

So, better be safe than sorry – buat baik tak payahlah berpada-pada.

Tapi kalau orang baik, jangan lah pijak kepala pula.

mencari sebuah jawaban.

I just sent out my response to HR with regards to my upcoming transfer. And I've been asking around for some empty boxes for me to put my 3 years worth of stuff in. I haven't even acclimatised to being back in this office and now, I've got to prep myself for the new place, which isn't really that new come to think of it... but I have been away for 3 years, so I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I really don't know where I should begin. 

All I know is that this is the answer. 

You see, we've been spending some time looking for answers -- for everything. 

Life has thrown us a curveball we're not entirely sure how to deal with... and it's been super overwhelming to say the least. I no longer feel bad about crying openly about it and I no longer feel sorry for not having things figured out. My only regret is that I sometimes lose my temper and my firstborn has to bear the brunt of it, which gets me really upset every single time. 

Thing is, can anybody help it -- can anyone really abstain from losing their temper when there's just so much to do and seemingly so little time to do them. And what is up with children and their doing everything in tandem? Berak in tandem, cry in tandem, asking for food in tandem. They're like a tag team despite their age gap and I find my patience thinning every single day. 

I've got to admit that I sometimes feel really inferior to mothers in the same boat as myself who seem unfazed by their circumstances -- and doing everything that I'm currently doing and more. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they have a velcro baby like mine... or if they've deafened their ears to their baby's cries or if their babies don't cry to be picked up at all. And I sometimes wonder when on earth do these mothers pump milk and when do they ever sleep?

 Don't we all have the same 24 hours in a day...?

I'm so full of questions -- and I was so ready for answers when the Transfer Order came.

And even then, I was plagued by fear of my uncertain future.

Until I backtracked this whole year and realised how things have fallen into place just the way it should be even though there were days when I thought things turned out differently than they should have.

And that's when I realised -- that all I need to do is my best -- and leave Allah to do the rest.


Indeed He is the Best Planner -- so who am I to question his Grand Plans? 

Inilah dia jawapan yang dicari -- for now at least.

As a take home message for anyone who actually finished reading this --

"Always believe that someone will one day recognise your worth; if it isn't a person -- it would be The One who is bigger than a person." (says my Mom, may Allah bless her soul)

Now... let's get packing!

90 days after.

Yesterday, my 90-day Maternity Leave ended... hence here I am today in the office, with only 3 other people. So it does sort of feel like I'm still on leave... only in work clothes?

Haha!

Feels so weird to be back.

Probably because I know that I'm only here to pack my things before I go off again (yes yes, I'm leaving this place but more on that later).

Life has been... roller-coaster-ish since I gave birth to my baby girl. There have been crazy highs and crazy lows and every day, I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Not sure if that's a bane or a boon but my policy right now is to take it a day at a time -- and to be thankful for whatever that gets me through the day.

Because honestly, I can't keep up.

I forgot how unpredictable life can be with a baby after having left that world for so long.

I also forgot how different each child can be -- even if I bore them both in my womb.

Baru tadi at around 10 a.m., Atiya Ayesha's school called me informing me that she refused her teat -- on the day I defrosted a good 18 oz of milk *sigh*. So, after the second SOS, I drove to her Taska, just to check on her. She was already asleep -- they said, probably out of hunger.

Thing is... I know my daughter. She would never sleep hungry! And... she would never let me go without asking for you-know-what if she was really hungry! Hahaha. Cuma,  when I sent her during the trial run before Raya, she would consume a minimum of 24 oz of milk from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m., hence why her teachers panicked when she refused her milk.

Turns out, she was just really sleepy and settled down soon after we swaddled her. She wasn't even bothered when she heard my voice calling her name. So, I left, hoping that she would be okay.

Never had this kind of problem with her brother so this kind of experience kind of puts me back into the shoes of a first time mom. Haha.

Well, anyways. I need to pump. This entry is obviously all over the place. Pretty much like how my brain feels.

Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day ;)

23 days after.

3 weeks since my last post.

Any wild guesses as to where I've been and what I've been up to?

You definitely don't have to be Einstein to figure that out right? Hehe.

Alhamdulillah, I have safely delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl on 12 April 2016. On the 7th day, we decided to name her Atiya Ayesha, which means "pemberian yang hidup bahagia" and despite the overwhelming first few days with her at home and the sleepless nights (which I'm getting used to), Atiya has indeed been a gift to us and our little family. 

Her delivery story is somewhat different from my first and it is rather long, so I might have to break it down into parts. While Atiya is asleep, here goes Part 1.

 

xxx

On 12 April 2016, after I was done with all my "wee-hour activities", I took a nap before the morning rush began. Next thing I know, I had overslept and so I hustled to wake Luqman up, got him ready for school and got myself ready for work. As I was hustling, I felt the constant urge to pee. That's when I discovered I had a bloody show. I knew that that wasn't the sign of labour especially since I felt no contractions whatsoever, but my ObyGyn did tell me to come in if the blood was bright red, which it was.

So, I called my boss and informed him of my predicament, and told him I didn't know what time I would be able to come in. Little did I know that it would be 3 months until I would see him again. HAHAHAHA. Because as I was packing Luqman's school bag, I felt wet... like water trickling down my legs. I thought I had lost all control of my bladder but after many visits to the toilet, I kind of figured -- my water had broke. And that meant that I had to deliver my baby in the next 24 hours. 

So, my SOS Plan kicked in. The Plan was that my parents would take over taking care of Luqman while my husband accompanied me at the hospital. Called my mom, called my husband, sent Luqman to school and drove myself to the Labour Room (yes, drove! HAHAHAHA). As expected, there were no parking spots left (although it was only 8.30 in the a.m.) so I parked my car at the nearby ERL Station and treated the walk as exercise. 

Reached the Labour Room and told the nurses of my signs of labour. They strapped me to a CTG machine and meanwhile got a doctor to check on me. As I suspected, there was no contraction present although baby's heartbeat was okay and although I was praying hard I would not be admitted yet (I had so many plans!), the doctor told me I was only 2 cm dilated. Be that as it may, she told me that they would not be able to discharge me since I was leaking. 

They then gave me my "uniform" and set me up in a Lodger since there were no free beds in the Executive Ward.

And that's where I spent most of the day in. 

More in Part 2 later, ya? 

#stillpregnant

39 weeks and I'm pretty much still pregnant... hence the hashtag, obviously!

Haha.

And just like with my previous pregnancy, many curious onlookers have asked me when I'm planning to take some time off and my answer is... when I give birth of course!

Thing is, my husband, though on standby mode, isn't around... so days alone at home get pretty long (much longer than I'd like them to be) plus with neighbours who work, it will be very dangerous if anything happens at home during the day because there'll be no one to help because no one will actually be around. So, I've decided to keep on working until the time comes... whenever that is, of course. 

Plus of course... there's still work on my table! Not sure why because I finished everything off in March and then April came and everything is suddenly unfinished again. So, to avoid feeling guilty during my pre-approved 3 months leave (BIG HOORAY THERE!) towards my colleagues who have been crazy wonderful, I'm trying to finish off the remaining bits of my paper so that if I go into labour before the weekend comes, they'll at least have a first draft to work on. 

We're actually physically ready for  Adik Baby's arrival. Cot's been assembled, clothes are washed, home's been thoroughly cleaned and my husband and I have gone through our "nesting" process; some kind of pre-birth "ritual" we go through at Ikea each time baby's EDD is near... but the baby's still.not.out.yet.

And truth is, I don't really mind that much because like I said before, I'd like for Adik Baby to bake in the oven for as long as she needs to be fully developed and healthy... although I've got to say that the questions burning in my head i.e. how will labour be for me this time round... will there be a bloody show like the last time or will my water break... where will my water break... what on earth does water breaking feel like anyway???... will my husband make it back on time for Adik Baby's grand entrance... would Luqman be okay... and most importantly how I'm going to cope as a mom of 2... are really just killing me a little inside.

But, having said that... my mom has been advising me to keep in mind that the baby can hear me and that if I keep up being scared etc., she might think I don't want her to come out, which isn't the case at all, obviously! So, I'm trying my best to keep on being positive about the outcome of things, hoping that things will turn out okay in the end. 

Meanwhile, please pray for this #stillpregnant mom, okay! 

39 weeks, 2 days and (for now) counting.

you will always be my baby.

As he falls "out of love" with me... or rather more in love with everything else in his life... I find myself falling more and more in love with him and his antics. 

My "baby" is now officially no longer an infant, nor a toddler. He is a preschooler -- and one who does me proud with how well he's growing up. 

As I spent time with him on his 4th birthday (2nd April 2016) and received numerous throwback posts and photos from FB, I became more and more convinced that all the time, energy, sweat and tears we have spent on him is totally worth it (I know I've said it before but yeah I just can't seem to say it enough, I guess...).

I'm not really sure how we got from those rough patches in our relationship to here... but I can no longer imagine a life without him. And I'm not sure now who's the one who needs the other more... though I'm not ashamed to admit I might be the one who's more needy. 

You may have outgrown my lap, my boy, but you will never outgrow my heart. 

And in my heart, you will always be my (first) baby. Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love... and for always making me work towards becoming a better version of myself. 

We love you so much baby, you know we always do. 

considering a different kind of binge.

38 weeks this weekend, which means there's about 2 weekends to go before I pop -- if all things go well, which I obviously continuously pray for.

Speaking of praying... 

The other day, I thought about how much I would miss praying when in confinement because well, most of us would have to go through a period in which we wouldn't be allowed to pray, which in my case is normally really long.

I noticed that most pregnant women would binge-eat before they gave birth because they say they would miss all those "forbidden foods" during confinement and OF COURSE I am no exception, but somehow... after that revelation, I kind of thought maybe I should consider binge-praying too.

Sometimes though, I notice how people (sadly other Muslims) make making prayer seem like such a big.unattainable.deal. that people taking baby steps like myself tend to believe that our baby steps are just not enough. 

Thing is, who are we (humans) to decide whether or not one's prayer is enough? 

"Our Lord descends during the last third of each night to the lower heaven, and says: 'Is there anyone who calls on Me that I may respond to him? Is there anyone who asks Me that I may give unto him? Is there anyone who requests My Forgiveness that I may forgive him?'" -- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D; Reclaim Your Heart

I talked this out with a few of my Very Trusted and I was encouraged when they told me to carry on. After all, "amalan yang disukai Allah, adalah yang terus menerus (istiqamah) walaupun sedikit...". Well, at least that's what I've gathered from my reading.

And although I've got to admit that maintaining consistency is difficult, I'm also happy to report that these one-to-one prayer sessions have borne fruits -- and better still, immediately, unexpectedly and precisely -- as in specific answers to questions and requests. If you asked me, that is A M A Z I N G, to say the least. 

Well, anyway. Here I am at (almost) 38 weeks, still standing. It's been a somewhat different third trimester experience for me this time round and although I am hoping that my labour would be just as uneventful as the last, I think I am mentally prepared if things don't turn out the way I want them to because "Allah knows and you know not...". 

I'm on the final leg of this journey so please do wish us the best of luck!