my biggest issue.

My biggest issue in life is trust.

It's either I trust you. Or I don't.

And normally, I trust you. Until you give me a reason not to.

And from then on, you can expect this. Yes, this thing I'm doing.

This whole silent treatment. This whole avoidance.

You broke me. Or I'm broken? Doesn't matter.

Point is, don't rile me. Don't make me angry.

Because once I'm broken, you can consider me gone.

it was written in the stars.

For a few months now, I've been telling my mom that I wanted to treat myself to something. I've been working for 5 years now and the only expensive thing I've bought so far is a normal leather bag, which has served me well and is in fact, still serving me fine.

While others have treated themselves with lovely designer bags, I decidedly felt that a designer bag wouldn't make me happy enough.

I wanted to treat myself to a charm bracelet from Pandora, but kept hesitating, for the same reason I decided not to treat myself to a designer handbag.

In the end, I knew that only one thing could make me happy enough.

Told my husband about it and he, being the enthusiast, didn't hesitate to accompany me to my "try-outs". At the end of it all, we decided against any purchase because the price of all of those that I liked were just too steep. I either had to settle with something less or wait until things looked up for me.

I decided on the latter.

As fate had it, yesterday was the day.

My husband called me up excitedly, telling me of the good news. The moment I was able to leave office, we went to the shop, hand in hand, just hoping that The One was still there. As I had so fervently hoped, there it was, in the glass showcase, just like when I first saw it.

There was no more room for hesitation. I knew that I had to have it then. Best thing of all is that it seemed to (perfectly) go with everything I had on for work yesterday (read: yellow|cream|brown). If I had let it go yesterday, I don't think I would have forgiven myself.

Now that it's draped around my wrist, I feel a sense of accomplishment for having worked so hard for the past 5 years.

This is the best present one could ever treat herself with and I'm glad I did.

Alhamdulillah :)

some balloons and a yummy cake.

The photo in the post below is from Luqman's 1st birthday celebration, which no one in particular was invited to.

*gaasp!*

Yes, after thinking things through long and hard, I finally decided not to hold a full-blown celebration for him. Not just yet. Not this year.

Of course, it was a tough decision to make. Every other kid these days gets a full-blown celebration and I wasn't even considering one? Of course, my ego was scratched and deflated and I felt like a failed parent. What if he one day questioned my decision?

Well, since it's my decision to make, I shall be the one to answer.

(though I very much doubt he'll be questioning me)

So, anyways, for keepsake purposes, we held a small do just to mark his first birthday. It was also to mark his daddy's homecoming.

We had pasta, pizza, soup and (ohsoyummy)cake.

Of course, the birthday boy got some pizza crust and a few chocolate crumbs, just so he gets to taste what his own party's food tastes like.

But anway, all he enjoyed was nursing from his Sippy(Mama's)Cup really, so it mattered very little to him what was served. He did enjoy opening his presents, though and of course loved ALL of them. And I think  he napped TWICE during the celebration.

At the end of the day, my brother said, "The birthday boy is the person who least understands what's going on today!"

He kind of took the words right out of my mouth.

So, I'm really glad we had it small and intimate. And that everybody had some fun.

Probably next year, you can expect an invite in your post. Probably ;)



he just couldn't keep his hands off Mr. Bozo | From Wondermilk.

and here he is being a complete angel for keeping his party hat on! | He hates anything on his head, so this is a big deal for me ;)

Mama hopes you had fun baby boy!

the end.

The long awaited end of 6 months finally came on 12.04.2013.

I embraced it with euphoria, nothing less.

That night, I slept sandwiched between my boys, who both hugged me lovingly, and equally tight.

Now that we're three, we are finally ONE.

Thank you Allah for protecting us, for reuniting us, for keeping the love alive.

And I am once again, complete.

at the end of the day....

what most days look like.

throwback.

I purposely waited until April to update my blog.

March was way too depressing for me and I dare say that that was one of the lowest of the lowest points in my life.

But now that March has passed, I’m happy to announce that April began with a bang! A great big bang as it began with my baby’s first ever birthday.

I’m so thankful that I managed to spend more hours with him than normal on that day, and that he was in such a good mood to begin with. He was all smiles the moment he woke up and as I watched him sleep, I caught him smiling in his dreams too. I guess he could sense how different and special that day was seeing that I came to pick him up way earlier than normal and that he was made to wear the new clothes his pengasuh got for him for his birthday. Of course, we got him a mini Big Bird to commemorate the day (though I still wish Elmo was not sold out!), which he of course loves!

Well anyway, as I’ve poured my heart out on FB and Instagram, I don’t plan on doing the same here on my blog.

So, I’ll leave you with never seen before photos (on this blog) from a year back. Enjoy!



the start of my sleepless nights ;)

surah Maryam

my firstborn

in the nook of my arms :)

peaceful

all I know is sleep

and that I want milk. more milk!

at 6 weeks I was all smiles.

when previously I didn't know what on earth was going on.

but still sempat buat muka manis minta susu ;)

aaah, that's more like me hihi

this is when Mama started to lose more weight. ha ha ha

Okay, dah. Tak larat. There's probably thousands of his photos which have never been published. I'll save that for another throwback.

 

Happy birthday my baby darling :)

At the edge of the cliff

… was where I was last week.

People say that your aim in life shouldn’t solely be reciprocity and for most people (including me), it isn’t. Note that the operative word is solely. So I dare say that reciprocity really isn’t the boon of my existence.

Up until last week, I thought everything was okay with the way I was handling things. But then, I was reminded by someone who has turned to be one of my bestest friends and critic, my husband, that it is time I chose my battles.

And much as I admit to hate how right he is, he is… right.

There’s something about giving your all which takes your all away from you. I’ve got to learn to keep some of me for me. Because a jaded me is of no use to anyone.

So, anyway. I’ve stepped off the edge but not where I originally planned on going, which is off the cliff.

I’m going to keep my head up high because no one knows what the future holds.

And when we get tired of trying, we can always move on and try again… and try differently the next time.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

macro.

These days, I’m mostly on Pinterest or FifteenSpatulas or Decor8blog. Either looking for DIY ideas, recipes or simply escaping reality.

Yes. Escaping reality.

I never thought I’m the type who fleas, but come to think of it, I do think I’ve been way too hard on myself. It’s okay to flea. It really is, especially when it doesn’t involve me going “anywhere”. At least not physically.

By “hanging out” on Pinterest and FifteenSpatulas and Decor8blog, I realise how hung up I’ve become on perfection; the perfect photos, the perfect food, the perfect DIYs, the perfect lighting, the perfect set-up.

Yes, set-up.

I realised that it was all a set-up – it has all been orchestrated to look like perfect because of the intentional focus given on the perfect elements of a particular situation, scenery or thing.

And though seemingly fraudulent, the macro focus magnifying the perfection of the otherwise imperfect is still perfectly fine by me.

We all need an escape route sometimes.

I guess this is part of mine.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

staccato.

At present, my head is made of a million little quotes; and they all depict and reflect moments in my life so very precisely.

I’ve tried writing them down to mark those happenings in my life, for keepsakes, I say, but to date, I have failed miserably.

My silence is not for lack of things to say, but rather, due to its abundance. Its overflowing abundance.

Have you ever been in a situation where your thoughts literally render you speechless?

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

are we human, or are we denser?

Slightly high and very obviously full from today’s heavy lunch, I’ve decided I’d take a mini break from work to blog.

Apart from the food that’s causing my lids to droop, I have generally been more sleep deprived than normal since that drive down the emergency department at Hospital Putrajaya just last 2 nights. We took the plunge because Luqman’s been having on and off fever since last Friday and to make things worse, he began vomiting non-stop just around Maghrib on Monday.

Blood was drawn out of his tiny body and he cried his lungs out, probably out of fear and pain from the needle poking him. Mama was obviously shooed out of the “crime scene”, tears welling in her eyes. I hated the whole procedure but it had to be done. It was better than sitting home wondering what was wrong with my otherwise healthy and happy baby.

Turns out that he’s fine, Alhamdulillah.

For a moment of brevity, I really thought we would be staying the night (at the hospital) though my heart protested against the idea in rebellion.

But no, Alhamdulillah, 2 nights after, armed with antibiotics and some other meds plus loads of doa, he’s back to the bouncy baby that he’s always been.

The last time he was sick, I could (and did) for the most part, blame myself. Because it was totally and completely avoidable had I fed him better and watched his cues more closely. But this time round, after re-rewinding the sequence of events in my head, again and again and again… I couldn’t put it down to anything. Not that I’m such fan of finger-pointing, but if the reason was me, then I’d very much like to know. Like how I’ve learnt not to feed my boy broccoli because it made him gassy. And not to wake him up from his nap unless it was totally and completely necessary.

But yeah. This time round, he just got sick.

I guess they all do (more often than normal) at this point in their lives. Because there were easily 20 babies at the emergency department the other day… so it’s kind of normal, I guess?

Things took a turning for the worst when my husband also began getting poorly. I guess it all started with lack of sleep from waiting at the emergency department, coupled with non-stop travelling and also probably something bad that he consumed, which then later lead to him vomiting and purging uncontrollably.

I heard him last night but I just couldn’t, for the life of me, open my eyes to check on him.

I also didn’t take emergency leave on Tuesday although Luqman was still slightly feverish when I dropped him off (albeit with a heavy heart) at the babysitter’s.

I know people are staring at me with mouth agape and all. Probably some even raising their eyebrows?

What the hell am I thinking right?

How could I even have the heart to go to work and leave my sick baby and sick husband behind? How could I even make peace with myself for doing that? How???

Well, who says I've made peace with myself or whether I ever will?

Welcome to a full-time working mother's world. And her endless dilemma.

I've got alot on my hands at the moment to juggle and no amount of judging is going to recede my burden, not to mention, pain.

The way of the world is such that a working mother is (normally) punished for the things out of her control. How am I suppossed to prevent my son from getting sick when he's growing up, picking things up from the floor, putting his hands into his mouth and interacting with other people, whose state of health is unknown to us? How am I supposed to avoid health check appointments on weekdays, unless I opt for a private clinic. Which is totally and completely absurd considering that I am a Public Servant, you see. How am I supposed to tell my husband to drive himself to the clinic when he can't even control his movements long enough to not pass out in the middle of something. How the hell am I supposed to break it to my superiors that my baby is (again) sick and that I need to take the day off when just the month before I had taken so many days off for the same reason.

How?

I've been told before to juggle my priorities and sort myself out and I believe that for the most part, I have been pretty successful so far. If we're talking about work, I've done my part as the desk officer. I don't have a pile of undone work on my desk and have never used my personal "problems" as a way out of things, unless it involved weekends or nights where my husband is not around. Even then, I do still stay back when I can get my mom to help with my baby at night. When my husband is around, I try to cook and clean and run the household as any good homemaker would do, though I admit that I am not that perfect.

But the thing is this. It's always the bad things that people remember.

Like how I forgot a piece of work because I had some other pressing matter at work to do. Or how I didn't manage to sweep and mop the floor and didn't manage to keep the house spick and span as I should, when in fact, that was the only week I didn't manage to do so because I was totally and completely burned out from so much work that week.

Nobody asks me how I manage to get my other works done on time or the amount of hours I spend at work, after hours. Nobody bothers to ask me how I manage to manage my work and my family, though for the most part, I am alone. Nobody asks me how I have managed to come to work on time every single effing day, put on a decent appearence, remain unperturbed by my own problems, not lose my cool and the list of other things I have managed to do. Nobody asks me how I have managed to come this far without breaking down and without listing for permanent help i.e. staying with my parents or having my parents stay with me. Nobody asks me how I manage to make it no matter how zonked out and sleep deprived I am. Nobody ever asks me.

The only things they remember are "I forgot to do something", "I have failed to keep the house clean", "I am struggling with my priorities".

When in fact, I've given 100% to my everything. 100% to motherhood. 100% to family. 100% to work. The only thing lacking is probably the percentage I allocate to myself. That's about 350% to everything. And trust me, that's alot to ask of someone.

The worst part of it all is that it's the women that don't understand other women.

Which is why I sometimes think we (women) are denser than human.

But regardless, I think we're all (deep, deep down) still very much human. Conditioned to grow a heart of steel. Because that's just the way of the world.

And that actually just makes us denser than denser.

And because of that, in all truth, I have become a live volcano that's ready to erupt.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)