Breather

I’m currently taking a break from doing my assignments. I seriously think that we’re a bunch of overworked and underpaid kids. Heck, we’re not paid at all, actually. Apart from the knowledge we get from going to classes, we’re just damn overworked. But I know I chose to be part of this competitive fraternity and nothing comes easy without any hard work first. So, I shall attempt to stop complaining... starting NOW.

Well, anyways, I just thought I’d update on what’s been going on these past few weeks. Although you’ve already guessed that my stories will revolve around doing work and nothing else, I’d have to say that yesterday was a real breather. Yesterday was Induction for the LLB Part I students; the latest admission to Level 7 of Law Faculty. My brilliant friends changed the event’s name to Carpe Diem, which means “seize the day” since Induction seemed a tad bit inappropriate for students whom have been part of the Law Faculty for years and years now.

Well, anyways, it was fun to be able to contribute to the event; I was part of the opening act! I mean, I do love dancing (oops, secret’s out) and contrary to popular believe, I do do other activities other than studying. And it was nice to end up making people gape in awe because who would have thought I was capable of doing a cartwheel in public? Hahah. I don’t know if I danced well but I know I had fun yesterday and for me that suffices to constitute a good day.

Inductions are... well... inductions. There’s nothing really different about any induction because I think all inductions have speeches, introduction sessions and games and prize giving ceremonies. What was different about ours is that we ran slide shows of every LLB Part II Class. Lee was kind enough to offer his help in making 2C’s slide show happen and it was fun watching reruns of the show even before yesterday’s event.

The first few times I watched the show, I did realise that bile kept rising in my throat every time the show was coming to an end. But yesterday? What on earth happened yesterday??? I CRIED yesterday although I never intended to. I don’t know why but I suspect it’s because last semester was a real test for me and it was quite a tough period for me to endure.

I mean, you come and go to the office everyday and meet the same people. You love and hate the same people; work and compete with them healthily and sometimes unhealthily ;p, and all in all we’ve all just become part of a huge family despite our initial differences. I just hope I won’t miss them too much when I leave Law School.

Well, other than yesterday, you’ve guessed and I guess you’ve guessed right. I do have tonnes of work to get back to. I just thought of coming up for some fresh air because I seriously do need a breather. Please Allah give me strength. I’ve just got a few more weeks to endure.

kerja kerja

Lalalalalala hari hari kerja

Lalalala bosan dengan kerja haha

Kerja kerja

please?

It’s 9.08 p.m. and I’m still in the office. I thought I vowed not to be a workaholic this semester? I really, really thought I vowed not to be a workaholic but I must have suffered amnesia when I made that vow because who would Hanisa be if she were not a workaholic? Well, honestly, I wouldn’t be Hanisa at all.

It’s been 4 weeks into our 2^nd semester of Honours, and I think I’m handling things better this time around. Undoubtedly, the workload is equivalent to a truckload of shit, opps, I meant uncountable tiny grains of sand, but I’m trying to be candid and maintain a positive attitude.

To be honest, there’s really nothing much to tell because everything is pretty much same old, same old. I do enjoy the subjects I’m taking this semester, bar Corporate Law. And it’s not that I don’t like the subject, it’s just that I don’t really like it to be tested and examinable, etc. simply because I suck at it. I think my dad and Abdul can verify that fact because it’s apparent that both of them have given up on teaching me the basics, even! Hah!

I seriously need a day off though and it’s good that we’ve had one 4-day week so far, for Awal Muharram and we’re getting another day off this week for Thaipusam. It’s really relieving to get to sleep until whatever time and do things at my own time and at my own pace. (even though there are still shitloads to deal with. Oops. Language again.)

But you know, at times like these, a long-distance relationship really is difficult to deal with. I haven’t seen my Abdul in about 2 months and I’m starting to go out of my mind. I listen to songs by Hujan that we used to scream our lungs out to in the car and I find tears falling for no reason; because to begin with, they aren’t sad songs at all.

A hug would seriously do me good right now even though it wouldn’t take away any of the work away at all. I just need a crying shoulder and someone to pamper me when I whine perhaps? Yes. I miss all that. I miss him entertaining my antics. I miss him because he doesn’t mind waiting for me while I get my work done. Can I have him back here please, Intel?

Can you please give me back my Abdul, please?

it has begun

Aha. I have finally managed to squeeze in a little bit of writing in this very hectic week. I don’t think I’ve had the luxury of proper rest ever since I got back. Oh, by the way, Happy New Year everyone! I hope it was a good one. Mine wasn’t exactly memorable, but it certainly was different from what I’ve experienced before; I was in Abu Dhabi airport waiting for our transit plane back to KLIA. Ahah. Not exactly the most exciting but different nonetheless.

I’ll save the trip’s story until I get the pictures from my siblings and my dad. For now, I just want to talk about now.

The moment I got back, I called the key persons in my life and got to know that classes had commenced on new year’s eve, when I was happily stuck at Abu Dhabi for 6 hours. To make matters worse, I had already been summoned by Mr. Rajesh to meet him the moment I got back to explain and justify my absence. Imagine! Me getting into trouble on the very first day? That is just so ironic.

So, just a few hours after I landed, I headed back to Shah Alam, not exactly with a heavy heart, just a scared-to-death one. The first day of class (my first day, that is) started off with me apologising and justifying as to why I wasn’t able to attend Mr. Rajesh’s class. I shall not further elaborate, but it’s all out of the way for good now. And surprise, surprise. We got an assignment on the first day.

We got an assignment on the second day.

We got another assignment on the third day.

We’ve even booked a day for a replacement class.

We’ve only been in class for a few days now and out calendar board is already half full.

Welcome to my life. And this is not a complaint. I’ve gotten used to this. Apart from the slight jetlag, I’m doing perfectly fine. Though I do think that we all deserve more rest since most of us have got eyebags bulging from underneath our eyes already. We need some sleep. Yeap.

not my fault

The weather of late has been pretty bleak. It’s been raining almost everyday of the week and when the sun peeks, we normally don’t get our hopes too high because we know for sure that it wouldn’t be long before the rain starts pouring again.

The holidays are coming to an end and honestly, I don’t really mind. Everyday has pretty much been the same; late nights and late mornings, running errands and cooking lunch. It’s been pretty much a routine, actually, every single day.

The thought of going back to Law School gives me butterflies; good and bad, simultaneously. I guess I’m quite excited with the fact that we’re going to get to learn new things, and new lecturers with whom we can forge bonds (or become enemies) with. And I’m also quite excited with the fact that I have cooked up some kind of strategy to make sure I do better this coming semester.

I didn’t exactly do excellently in the past exams, but I DIDN’T EXACTLY NOT SCORE. So, to me, that’s pretty good already, considering the fact that there were quite a number of adjustments that had to be done. To those who made it through to the Honours programme, good luck. Getting into the programme is in itself a challenge, and trust me, the hurdles won’t end. So, yeah, all I can say is good luck. You’re going to need it if you wanted to survive.

As excited as I am about the coming new semester, I’m pretty worried that I might miss 2 or possibly even 3 days of classes. I don’t miss classes, okay? That’s the only reason why I score. And senior partners don’t skip classes just because they go on holidays. I know I’ve been rambling about the fact that SPs are human too and that we need a break sometimes, but I don’t agree on people missing classes, not in the first week, no sirree.

The reason for me missing my classes? Well, tomorrow night, we’ll all be leaving the country for 2 weeks! Initially I wasn’t really excited but I guess it began to sink in this week, where I’ve been handling most of the packing and stuff. This is going to be the last trip for our family as my brother’s leaving for Australia next year, and I’d probably be working already by the end of next year. So, only my little sister’s going to be following my parents, if they were to go anywhere. So, this trip is very much anticipated. Thihih.

But still, missing class really is the biggest bummer! Argh. But can you blame me if they keep on changing the takwim? Last time, it said that school opens on the 7^th. The next thing you know, they tell you it reopens on the 31^st. Then, I asked my coordinator and she tells me that it opens on the 3^rd (I was so relieved, I tell you!). And yesterday, I met the Timbalan Dekan, and she tells me that it reopens much, much earlier; like on the 27^th or somewhere around that date.

Suka hati tak? Am I still the one to blame if this is how they operate? Am I the one to be blamed for missing classes if they seem so fickle as to when to reopen? Ingat rumah 3 minit dah sampai ke? Emo pulak. Haish.

look what i found!

Look what I found! Haha. I wrote this and forgot to post it. but I’m doing that now because I’m currently facing the problem of writing a good piece of crap. (as if I ever do anyways, haha)

Chubster
That’s actually a nickname Abu gave to a “dear” friend of his, whom we have all gotten used to calling the same. Thing is, it’s becoming more evident now that the name suits me just as well.

What I’m going to write about is probably already written somewhere in this somewhere in this blog, or you’ve probably heard me whine about it. If you happened to be my classmate or housemate, you’ve probably already witnessed my demonstration involving the juggling, dancing love handles, which is kind of giving me the creeps.

Thing is, I know I’m not big. Get it? I know that I fit into the smaller sizes, which makes me un-big at all. Correct? The thing is, all this rest, lots of free food and also alot of love is making me a tad bit chubbier than I normally am. And normally, I just dismiss the thought because the more I think about it, the chubbier I become and the more stressed out I am. So, normally, I just let the paranoia pass because I know I look alright.

Okay, this past semester has really been a stressful one and I think that’s pretty apparent from the all the anger and whining and babbling I’ve managed to put into writing, which I have successfully posted here. Anger makes me hungry, making me eat more, but since anger is so energy consuming, it makes me slim without me having to work too hard on it. I don’t have to think about what I put in my mouth because it all burns out eventually and I’ve nothing to worry about, really.

But right now, I really am having the time of my life, even if everyday were full with nothingness. I am happy despite the fact that my hair keeps falling every time I sweep the floor, causing me to have to sweep it again. I am happy although Abdul is leaving for Penang. I am happy although I stay in all day and no one calls me to ask me out for a drink. All in all, I’m grateful and I’ve just been really happy. The thing about endorphins is that... well, it just shows. And for me, especially, it’s been showing on my cheeks, on my arms, on my hips.

And every freaking body is noticing it. Like for once, everyone is telling me that I’ve GAINED WEIGHT.! Yikes. My sister keeps on reiterating the fact that I’m chubbier since I got home. Jaja says the same. Abdul claims that I look just fine, but that’s only probably because I asked him the question all men dread: “am I fat?”. And he’s probably just being kind because he loves me too much to even notice. Even my mom says that I’m on my way to becoming her. I’m a size 36 and she’s a 42. I’m her size now? Yikes again. And my brother is also one of the kinder ones who said that I look cuter when I’m chubby. Like damn. Ugly but adorable? Yikes, yikes and yikes again.

Should I just remain a scarecrow then? Should I stop eating altogether then because all this response is upsetting me. They probably all mean well and they’re probably telling me that I’m piling on the kilos and that I should stop munching chocolates (which btw, has NEVER given me problems before where weight is concerned!). And I should probably stop eating rice? (Which is highly impossible because I truly am Malay, and we must have rice! If tak, lapar la saya ni... kan Nadira?)

Or probably I look better with these chubby cheeks.
Probably the name Chubster suits me well after all...

anti anti-virus!

I don’t even know how to start telling you about what I’ve done to keep this computer safe and sound and virus-free. I don’t know how many times I’ve reformatted my computer for fear of virus infections, I don’t know how many times I’ve been to the CC to have a new anti-virus installed, I don’t know how many CD-RW’s I’ve bought already to burn all the important data in my computer just in case it crashes. And I don’t know how much money I’ve invested in it already, just to ensure that when I sleep at night, I can be rest assured, that Insya Allah, I would not wake up in the morning only to find that I can no longer have access to all the data, photos, songs and games I’ve so carefully and diligently collected all these years.
Probably my computer isn’t one of those “canggih” ones where the monitor could be turned 360 degrees, or one which is super small it could be mistaken as a book, etc., etc. In fact, it has the most basic functions, which some of them I use only occasionally and still, I’m happy to have a computer on which I can get my work done.
But still, with all my TLC, this computer has failed to respond to me in a way which reflects all the care I have been giving. And I know it’s just plain silly to expect a gadget to reciprocate but really, trust me, if you were in my shoes, you’d be frustrated too.
And right now, a few months after I sent this computer to be reformatted and after months of hard work in making sure that all files were scanned before they were opened, it failed me AGAIN... and it’s not that I was watching some silly movie or some silly site. I was just looking at someone else’s fotopages to have a look at the photos he took for someone else’s wedding.
Argh. This is so irritating. Now, I have to fork out some money to get the CC to install a new anti-virus for me. I’m just really confused right now as to which I should use because I know that they were the ones who made the viruses anyways. So, there’s a high probability that they would release a new virus as and when they pleased just so they could sell their new products.
Am I rambling? Oh, yes, I am. I’m just so freaking frustrated, that’s all. And my computer is starting to switch itself off, and I would like to stop here before I get started on how annoyed I am of this gadget which helps me yet gives me a whole load of problem at the same time.
Salam. Good night.

chop the devil

Its 2 weeks into my holidays already. Truthfully, nothing productive or fruitful has been done to fill in the time. Just hours and hours of sleep, binge and more sleep. I’ve also made several attempts of writing a good blog entry or 2 but to no avail, although there are just about thousands of issues on which I have my 2 cents to contribute.

Ah, never mind that. I’m currently very proud of the fact that I have finally managed to clean my room, which was in total disarray when I arrived home and even more so after a week of my being home. But the sweeping-the-floor-which-will-never-be-clean part was really testy. I don’t normally sulk about housework because it’s something I don’t mind doing (besides the fact that I cannot stand dust, etc.). But I have no other option other than to complain about sweeping. Ah. The only housework I seem to have growing despise over as days go by.

I don’t understand why my room is dusty because our house isn’t on one of the busy or big roads and furthermore, my room is the top most floor, where dust particles are supposed to reach last!; this in itself is pretty hard to fathom, unless of course my knowledge of science is failing me terribly. Having to sweep the floors which refuse to become clean is another kind of agitation in itself. Imagine having swept the entire floor from one end to another, only to find out at the end of it that at the very spot you started, more dusts have accumulated. Or did I not see that dust in the beginning??

And it doesn’t help when you have hair like mine. By the end of the sweeping session, there would be strands of hair trailing after me, at every place I stepped. Argh. Annoying AND irritating! But I’m just glad that my room is organised now, though there really isn’t anything that can be done about the hair.

Speaking of the devil, I feel like having it chopped. Any suggestions, anyone? I thought of trying something new, but then again, I can’t think of a hairstyle which I have not yet tried. Hmm... look at what it was then, way, way before, what it was before it became this long, and what it looks like when it’s this long. Then, probably, you can help me decide?

tears and rain

The rain is pouring and it’s pouring really hard at the moment. Alhamdulillah my sister is back from my cousins’ sleepover party or else I would’ve been worried sick, my mom more so. The rain is pouring and here I am listening to Mr. Tumpul’s song, entitled Tears and Rain. Tears and rain. Tears and rain.

I’m currently going through the motions. I’m currently trying to put everything into perspective. I’m currently trying as much possible to accept change. After all, change is inevitable, isn’t it? And why do I feel so ashamed the fact that I hate departures? Is there even a necessity to feel so ashamed for tears that come so naturally? I mean, wouldn’t you cry if your man was leaving?

Whatever. I’m rambling ever so randomly. It’s just tears and rain...

I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See a liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I'd screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

I wish I would save my soul.

I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and rain

Far, Far away;find comfort in pain

All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble

Its more than just words; its just tears and rain

worth it

It was my Convocation last Saturday, and my, my, what a long day it was for all of us. All the waiting, all the multimedia presentations, all the cheering, all the hunger and all restlessness was only for less than 3 seconds on the stage. But guess what? I really don’t mind because it was worth it.

Not to brag, but I am one out of the 3 who managed to get a First Class Honours for my BLS. And I am so glad that I was there with the people I love most; my family and my closest friends. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. I almost vowed to never come home again when my mom first dropped hints that she wouldn’t be there on the 24^th November. I know it’s a little bit childish of me, but still. It’s not everyday that I get to go on stage to receive that scroll. And of course I can’t promise her the same excellent results for my Honours, so yes; I really wanted her to be there. And of course I wanted the rest of my family to be there as well.

I’m proud of who I have become. I’m proud that I have finally gotten up from the long, hard fall I had to endure after I received my SPM results. I guess I really have found my tuft; something I really, really like to do. Though admittedly, reading the Law isn’t easy, but once you get the hang of it, it really all comes pretty naturally. It all really is common sense. And mostly, it’s all in the mind. I just hope that my Honours results are equally encouraging.

I don’t really have much to tell. I’m currently on holidays and basking in the luxury of sleep and rest. Pictures just for fun!

tak sabar dah ni

my life support

leganya kami

kanak-kanak pandai yang saya sayang

meet my firm mate, Natrah

not ready to make nice

Have you ever been in that spot where you felt like people came and went as and when they pleased? Have you ever felt like people trample on you just because you are you and that being you, you would respond ever so nicely despite the fact that you are upset, dissatisfied and utterly disappointed? Have you ever been in that spot before?

Because if you have been in that spot before, tell me what to do... please? I don’t think I’m the revengeful, remorseful, hating kind of person, bar one person, perhaps. Holding grudges against another never really has been my thing. I may be moody (where I have fluctuating mood swings, which are totally and completely incomprehensible) admittedly, but never to the point of being totally and completely rude or dismissive of people. And I am never ungrateful.

In a nutshell, I really am very seldom angry (unless of course to count the last 2 weeks of Honours I). So, it does seem silly somehow that I’m angered, annoyed and upset with the fact that some people act like I am a mat they can trample on as and when they please.

I don’t think it’s fair to disappear almost completely out of someone else’s life after all that has happened and then to come back strolling into that person’s life at one’s pleasure. Absurd isn’t it? Totally unacceptable.

Thing is, I used to have so much tolerance, so much patience for all these nitty gritty stuff which are actually quite petty, considering all other things that I have in mind. It’s just that I think I need to lash it out. Siapa tergigit cili, terasa lah pedasnya.

I’ve stopped being tolerant now. I’ve stopped being nice. I think it’s important that I make a statement. I think it’s important for some people to know that just because I act all nice almost all the time you can come strolling back into my life when you feel like you need me out of a sudden.

It’s not that I am hoping that people would reciprocate. It’s not that I am hoping that I would get return for all that I’ve done. I enjoy being a good friend. I enjoy being a confidante. I enjoy being there when people need me. Just don’t make it so obvious that you were using me for a temporary necessity and that I’ve actually lost such importance when you’ve gained what you came for to begin with.

I really shouldn’t be so angry, correct? It really isn’t worth my anger.

But like I said, I just need to make a statement.

Please. Don’t expect me to act like nothing happened when you’ve shut me out completely... well, okay, almost completely.

Don’t expect me to forget that you somehow forgot that we were good friends and that we enjoyed talking to each other.

Don’t expect me not to be angry because I DO feel USED.

So, don’t expect me to be nice just because I’m me. And trust me, I am nice.

I’m just not ready to make nice. Not for now.